The Communication Gap (Men vs Women) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Cool The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

This topic came up in another thread, so I thought it may be worthwhile to have a separate discussion regarding.

I saw a comment implying that young men (some/many?) don't know how to communicate, but young women do. Curious about everyone's thoughts on this perception?

There seems to be this perception (at least from what I have seen/heard as a dude) that men do not know how to communicate, and women have somehow mastered the art of communication. How about the idea that, instead of implying one gender is superior at communicating vs the other, it actually comes down to having different styles of communication. Maybe there are commonalities in how we communication along gender lines, maybe it is more individualistic.

I know from my own experience, I prefer to internalize things first. Many times (and we have all been there) I will find myself initially over reacting to something. Internalizing allows me to be more reflective, let things simmer down. From there I can decide whether it really is an issue worth discussing, or something that is better off let as is. Are there times I probably hold things in too long, sure, but I would bet this applies to most everyone. Funny enough, b/c of this, at times my W has felt that I don't always communicate well. Kind of ironic when at times when we have had discussions I have been hit with the "you should just know" or "I am fine" line. Who is the one not communicating well now lol

Blurting out every little thing that pops into your head does not make you some sort of master communicator, and in many cases can actually be counter productive.

So, in closing, maybe on a general basis there is a difference b/w how men and women communicate. Instead of assuming the other person must be inferior b/c they don't communicate like you do, how about we take to the time to understand and work with each other.

The other option of course, Men > Women



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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

I watched a documentary where male drug addicts were asked to assemble furniture while high, and the results were compared to a control group that were not on drugs.



Apparently the men working alone high on crack cocaine could follow these instructions not only correctly, but faster than anyone else.

I would be curious to watch the same documentary done with women, but the premise to start with was so unethical, that it is probably best left unexplored. Meanwhile in my opinion men tend to think analytically like a database flowchart while women will take the same concept and approach it emotionally.

BUT I am sure women will love this article on men versus women and IKEA furniture: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/...orscreenreader

Apparently a team of women work better on IKEA because they can communicate better as a team, whereas a team of men would prefer to work alone while interpreting IKEA instructions!

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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

My husband always gets shocked when I have deep conversations with his Dad, he told me that his father didn't talk to him much or his brothers growing up and if they had any issues or worries their Dad told them to go play sports or work on something, that men don't discuss "feelings" instead work on them? Whatever that means. I have no idea.

So when my husband has worries, he never really talks about emotions but he will ask me a question about something and then I give him a solution, he's real thankful afterwards, if my solution works, then if I'm lucky, he might tell me how he "felt".

So maybe it could be a communication difference because we base our roles in life from our same sex parent sometimes.

As for the "you should know" and "I'm fine" well as I've learned in therapy, that's someone who's actually afraid to discuss the feelings they feel. If you're wife does this in the future, give her time to calm down and then later maybe ask her some questions about it.

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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

I am the communicator in my marriage. My wife was raised by an abusive father who taught her like she was a man to keep things to herself and not show any weakness. I come from an Italian family where we said what was bothering us, fought and then forgot about it an hour later as if nothing was said or done.

After 44 years of marriage I still do not know her fears, hopes, dreams, etc.. It is like pulling teeth to get her to reveal her emotions. When I try she tells me to change the subject. She also believes that good communication is speaking to me when I am typing a program or troubleshooting a network problem and do not even acknowledge her presence. Then it is my fault and I try to explain to her that effective communication involves making sure that your audience is listening and understands what you said. You cannot just talk to someone who is looking at his iPad and listening to the TV and think that just because you said it, he heard it. I cannot break her of that habit. I have tried walking away from her to see how far she would go and she will follow me from room to room as I get things, do things and otherwise ignore her. She will never get my attention before she talks and most of what she says is about celebrities or people I never heard of and could care less about since I do not know them.

Anyway, I gave up on communicating about anything meaningful and instead I ask questions which she mostly evades. I do the best I can to guess about what she is feeling and all else is on her for not communicating. She is lucky that I ask questions or else I would never know if she is upset or afraid of something. I have to assume what she is feeling and as she says a lot, I should know these things without being told. So it is not always the man that is at fault. Our girlfriend was the same way. I had to ask and pry until she opened up and when she did she cried. I lived with two close mouthed women and I felt like a Psychologist at times.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post

As for the "you should know" and "I'm fine" well as I've learned in therapy, that's someone who's actually afraid to discuss the feelings they feel. If you're wife does this in the future, give her time to calm down and then later maybe ask her some questions about it.
I haven't gotten the "you should know" or "I'm fine" response in quite some time. I was not properly equipped for these responses in the past, but now I have a MEME to use as my response for every possible scenario known to man
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I haven't gotten the "you should know" or "I'm fine" response in quite some time. I was not properly equipped for these responses in the past, but now I have a MEME to use as my response for every possible scenario known to man
I've been known to do the shoulder shrug and burst out crying at the same time.

I think in general, men tend to hold in their feelings & emotions and this is perhaps because it's usually taught at a young age that men don't cry. However, I'm pretty guilty of bottling things up. Then, it explodes like a shaken can of pop. The bottling part, I learned from my dad. And the exploding part, I learned from my mom! I have, certainly, gotten better about communication over the years.

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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

Quote:
I saw a comment implying that young men (some/many?) don't know how to communicate, but young women do.
I think this is basically just a cliche. Lots of Men are great communicators and lots of women aren't. It has to be taught. So this stereotype hurts both. It teaches young women that they don't need to learn how to do it, and it teaches young men that they are incapable of doing it. You can see any number of threads where the young women and young men who destroy their marriages because neither on of them know how to do it.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Communication Gap (Men vs Women)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
My husband always gets shocked when I have deep conversations with his Dad, he told me that his father didn't talk to him much or his brothers growing up and if they had any issues or worries their Dad told them to go play sports or work on something, that men don't discuss "feelings" instead work on them? Whatever that means. I have no idea.

So when my husband has worries, he never really talks about emotions but he will ask me a question about something and then I give him a solution, he's real thankful afterwards, if my solution works, then if I'm lucky, he might tell me how he "felt".

So maybe it could be a communication difference because we base our roles in life from our same sex parent sometimes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
I've been known to do the shoulder shrug and burst out crying at the same time.

I think in general, men tend to hold in their feelings & emotions and this is perhaps because it's usually taught at a young age that men don't cry. However, I'm pretty guilty of bottling things up. Then, it explodes like a shaken can of pop. The bottling part, I learned from my dad. And the exploding part, I learned from my mom! I have, certainly, gotten better about communication over the years.
I was thinking as well, I would say growing up communication sucked at home lol. A lot of if though has as much to do with temperament. My dad had a lot more of a laid back personality, and I would say much of my personality mirrors his (vs my Mom). I know that for things that may bother my W or she may feel the need to express herself over, I am happy to deal with internally and move on. So what someone may think is bottling up, I have handled and moved on already (I think at times this may come off as cold or unemotional). Make me sit through Turner & Hooch, or My Dog Skip, and I am a sobbing mess lol.
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