Need some follow up advice - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:58 PM Thread Starter
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Cool Need some follow up advice

Im 37, been with a lady for about 5 years, married 2.5 years. Ive been a needy man, dependant on my wifes affirmation fora few of those years. I have got some great advice on here about becoming more alpha male less beta. So I am. I used to be that way. My wife has been very controlling and manipulative. I am through being treated like a doormat. For weeks now ive been taking me back. She seems to be responding well to the change except last night at dinner. We have a rule, no phones at dinner table. We were sitting down to eat and she set phone on the table. The two nights prior she had been on her phone at dinner, or i would have let it slide. But all I said was,"will you give me your phone so I can set it on the counter?" She then said in front of the kids,"I didnt know I wasnt allowed to use my phone?". I said we have always had a rule about phones at the kitchen table. She went in our room and ignored me while I played with kids down stairs. Today shes been a witch. Do i just stick by my guns? Dont cave in? She uses her anger and distance in past to get me to grovel. Im done doing that. Need help.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Need some follow up advice

You needed each other when you married. You needed a controlling wife. She needed someone to control.

It is a power struggle now. You should not have said, "will you give me your phone so I can set it on the counter?" That was acting like a parent and you are not her father.

Next time say "Dinner is family time for us to talk. Distractions such as cell phones should be left aside while we each together." This is a teaching moment for the kids. That gives you the high road and reminds the kids why you have "rules".

Tell us more. Since you have kids, are they from a prior marriage?
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Need some follow up advice

Based on the one scenario that you have explained and given that, as like you say, it has always been a rule to not have phones at the table and she has wilfully either been on the phone or had by her at the table, I would say you need to stick to the rule. It is known and in place and to let it go now would be a sign to say it's ok.
How you go about that is really determined upon you and your relationship as to the enforcement. I too have been in the scenario of getting ignored and the distance until I couldn't take it and caved in, me the one then grovelling and making apologies, and that is neither good nor helpful. So would you be able to approach it in a discussion manner, bringing the subject up perhaps asking if there was a specific reason it was necessary to maybe find the starting point as that may be an opening method without it turning into an aggressive situation.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Need some follow up advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying2getitRIGHT View Post
Im 37, been with a lady for about 5 years, married 2.5 years. Ive been a needy man, dependant on my wifes affirmation fora few of those years. I have got some great advice on here about becoming more alpha male less beta. So I am. I used to be that way. My wife has been very controlling and manipulative. I am through being treated like a doormat. For weeks now ive been taking me back. She seems to be responding well to the change except last night at dinner. We have a rule, no phones at dinner table. We were sitting down to eat and she set phone on the table. The two nights prior she had been on her phone at dinner, or i would have let it slide. But all I said was,"will you give me your phone so I can set it on the counter?" She then said in front of the kids,"I didnt know I wasnt allowed to use my phone?". I said we have always had a rule about phones at the kitchen table. She went in our room and ignored me while I played with kids down stairs. Today shes been a witch. Do i just stick by my guns? Dont cave in? She uses her anger and distance in past to get me to grovel. Im done doing that. Need help.

Absolutely stick to your guns OP. This is a **** test. Don't respond to her little tempter tantrum. Do not reward her behavior.

Agree with the rewording of the request suggested by the previous poster.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some follow up advice

I thought by asking to set on counter I was not treating like a child, not lecturing her.
Actually I used to be the alpha male, I gave it up. I groveled. Not anymore. She has two kids with me, two others with two other guys. Im a good husband and father. Ive been all about pleasing my wife and kids at my expense.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:45 PM
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Re: Need some follow up advice

If she is to do that again, quietly get up and tell her you will be eating out by yourself, she is disrespecting you....she is testing the boundaries.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:45 PM
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Re: Need some follow up advice

Two alphas do not make for a good marriage. Best if one is alpha and the other submissive. Better said is one has to be in charge of the marriage. Most things work best with one person in charge of the others. The military, organizations, governments, etc. are all examples of what I am saying. They would not function if they did not defer to the one in charge of them. Nothing would get done and ties could not be broken.

There is also a distinction between acting alpha and being a natural alpha throughout your whole life. It is like the difference between acting funny and being funny. Some comedians can act funny on stage but are not very funny in real life. Your wife was the alpha of your marriage and alphas do not step aside for another alpha without a fight. They may concede a little for the sake of harmony but if pushed too much they will fight back. That is how I am. I cannot take orders from another male and have overturned one boss's desk and slammed another into a wall for insulting me. I had to work for a woman to solve that problem. I was a first string football and baseball player from the time I was 8 until I was 18. I attracted women who wanted an alpha male. I led a squad in Vietnam and legally carry a gun and teach people how to shoot and use a gun defensively. I have been trained in various martial arts, knife and guns. I need to win at everything I do which has made me successful in business. I do what it takes to get what I want. I have a Machiavellian personality as diagnosed by a Psychologist. I back down to no one. That is who I am. A member of a dying breed it seems these days.

I would never even marry an alpha woman in the first place and after you are married it is too late to change. If you no longer want to take it from your wife, you will probably have to divorce. I doubt that she will step aside and let you take charge at this point. Good luck but I have had experience with 30 women over my 65 years on earth and pretty much know how it goes. I could be wrong but will never admit it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Need some follow up advice

It's all in how you worded it. I too realized recently that over the years my alpha side diminished because I was always trying to "fix" my marriage and do everything right to make my wife happy. If you had just said like "Could you please put the phone down, we're eating", it might have went differently. My situation has been improving lately but I had sent her a text last week saying the I was going out with a friend so she would have to watch our son. I didn't realize it until after she said something to me, but yes it was a little too direct and sounded more like an order than a request. There's a fine line between being an alpha and sounding like a controlling douche bag. I would stick to my guns about what I said but like what I did in my situation, I did apologize for the way it sounded and I told her I didn't mean for it to come off the way it did. It's not easy regaining yourself and gaining back that level of respect from your wife, you're going to make mistakes and push a little too far at times. When you realize you do or she says something about it you do need to take a step back and look at what happened or what was said, and yes sometimes an apology may be warranted.
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