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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:36 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

Googl serial cheaters. Thoughts of reconciliation are misplaced.



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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 06:37 AM
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Cool Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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Talk to a lawyer right away. Get your legal ducks in a row, ready to go after she finishes her last final exam of the semester.

As to confrontation, it depends on your goal.

The train has left the station as far as preventing an affair. If you want to kill an affair to save the marriage, you would confront after you have gathered proof positive of the affair. Then you expose widely for the purpose of making the affair very uncomfortable to continue. This, hopefully, would remove a major obstacle to reconciliation.

But if your intent is to divorce, there is no reason to have a big confrontation. She knows she's cheated numerous times. You know she's cheated. All you have to say is "I know you've been cheating and here are the divorce papers". You can use the threat of exposure as a lever to get her to cooperate in the divorce process. Not blackmail though. As long as she doesn't lie about you, doesn't ask for ridiculous property settlements, etc, you have no reason to out her affairs to the world. Offer her a fair settlement which she can sign off on, and in return you don't go scorched earth on her.
The only part that I really take exception to here is that the cheater should definitely be "outed," not as much for being the unequivocal "cheater" that they have so aptly demonstrated themselves to be; but for being the universal, consummate "liar" that they have so grossly represented themselves to be, in the eyes of the world, inclusive of family, mutual friends, church, and the public in general!

After all, since they obviously had no real problem in systematically and covertly stabbing their BS in the back with a serrated knife in their ultimate betrayal of their mutual marriage vows; then why on earth shouldn't "turnabout" in outing them be fair play?

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

I'm sorry but I wouldn't wait. Why torture yourself until June? Her degree is NOT your problem and educated or not once you leave her she is going to try and get as much money from you that she can. And she can. Respect yourself. She doesn't deserve it anymore. Save the evidence, get YOUR affairs n order, STI tests, and DNA for the kids, tell the other man's wife, then leave her point blank. Don't waste another damn day of your life loving that wretched woman.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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... and what's even worse, @AtMyEnd ~ is that even though these texts were effectively caught in time, the implicit aura of trust between the two of you will never ever quite be the same again, with you constantly looking over your shoulder from here on out!
That's been the hardest part about all this so far, the feeling that I don't trust her like I used to. Things have gotten better over the last month, from what I can see she hasn't had any further contact with him, and her whereabouts and who she's with when she goes out is always confirmed. There have been a few little things that have happened, like she's testing me and trying to get me to admit that I'm spying on her and watching her every move, but I haven't admitted to anything and the things she's accused me of doing I've actually been able to prove her wrong, even though she still says she doesn't believe I'm not spying on her.

The strangest thing about how I've been feeling though, is I recently dug up and learned a lot more about the man who texted her. I found out his last name, address, what school he teaches at, that he recently got married 2 years ago, his wife's name, his wife's Facebook and Twitter account information and even the odd coincidence that his wife is the sister of an old friend of mine from high school, lol.
Now being that all I ever saw was the one text from him and that there's nothing I've found that says there ever was anything more than that, I don't feel I should contact his wife over the one text. But it is comforting to know that I have all this information, and if I ever find anything else to prove something did in fact happen or if he sends another text like he sent, I can make his world imploded within a matter of minutes with just a few emails to his wife, the school board, the PTA and Facebook posts to his wife's account, the school districts page, the parents association page, and wherever else I can think of, lol.

I have settled down emotionally since all this happened and I don't feel it's right to ruin his life and in turn piss my wife off that I did and make my relationship bad again all over one text that he sent. But yes, if it happens again or if I uncover other information it's open season on making his life a living hell, lol
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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That's been the hardest part about all this so far, the feeling that I don't trust her like I used to. Things have gotten better over the last month, from what I can see she hasn't had any further contact with him, and her whereabouts and who she's with when she goes out is always confirmed. There have been a few little things that have happened, like she's testing me and trying to get me to admit that I'm spying on her and watching her every move, but I haven't admitted to anything and the things she's accused me of doing I've actually been able to prove her wrong, even though she still says she doesn't believe I'm not spying on her.

The strangest thing about how I've been feeling though, is I recently dug up and learned a lot more about the man who texted her. I found out his last name, address, what school he teaches at, that he recently got married 2 years ago, his wife's name, his wife's Facebook and Twitter account information and even the odd coincidence that his wife is the sister of an old friend of mine from high school, lol.
Now being that all I ever saw was the one text from him and that there's nothing I've found that says there ever was anything more than that, I don't feel I should contact his wife over the one text. But it is comforting to know that I have all this information, and if I ever find anything else to prove something did in fact happen or if he sends another text like he sent, I can make his world imploded within a matter of minutes with just a few emails to his wife, the school board, the PTA and Facebook posts to his wife's account, the school districts page, the parents association page, and wherever else I can think of, lol.

I have settled down emotionally since all this happened and I don't feel it's right to ruin his life and in turn piss my wife off that I did and make my relationship bad again all over one text that he sent. But yes, if it happens again or if I uncover other information it's open season on making his life a living hell, lol
Maybe, you just don't care that some other dude is banging your wife, and you are more bothered by the lies.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:28 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

If there's been no emails for 4 months its quite possible one of the cheaters has called it off. She might have gotten the guilts or he might have or he might have been busted by his wife. My point is there might not now be anything to spy on until/if/when it happens again.

Regardless of this... mate she sent topless photos of herself to some random guy she met. If my missus was topless around my mates at the beach or something I couldn't care less, but the minute she started email pics of herself topless to someone she met there'd be trouble. Its all about context.

As others suggest I would get ducks lined up, DNA tests, STD tests etc. Better to err on the side of caution.
Without proof of actual meeting/sex/whatever she will just minimise it all by saying it was just harmless flirting and nothing actually happened.
She suspects you're spying because your behaviour has changed. Try not to treat anyone or anything differently while you spy.

I wish you the best of luck with it all and I hope happier times ahead for you.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

AtMyEnd isn't the OP whose wife sent the nude pics. OP has only made one post so far.

AtMyEnd, so far there is nothing in what you've written which is very damning. The guy apparently sent a message which was over the line, but your wife seems to have deflected it. I wouldn't be paranoid about it at this point. I would taper off the surveillance of your wife since you have not found anything further.

And, yes, I'd blow up his world if he tries anything further.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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Maybe, you just don't care that some other dude is banging your wife, and you are more bothered by the lies.
Well if there was something that pointed to the fact that she was being banged by another guy, yes that would bother me, but there isn't anything that points to that. Everything that I have found actually points to the fact that other than one text he sent, nothing ever happened. I drove myself crazy with all the "what if's" when I first saw the text and confronted her. But since then everything I've found and seen on her phone, VAR recordings and behavior, nothing has pointed to a physical affair. And because of that, for my own sanity and well being, I can't keep thinking that there was a physical affair. All I can do is keep my guard up and look for any additional signs or evidence of anything and investigate them if they come up.
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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AtMyEnd isn't the OP whose wife sent the nude pics. OP has only made one post so far.

AtMyEnd, so far there is nothing in what you've written which is very damning. The guy apparently sent a message which was over the line, but your wife seems to have deflected it. I wouldn't be paranoid about it at this point. I would taper off the surveillance of your wife since you have not found anything further.

And, yes, I'd blow up his world if he tries anything further.
I'll admit, I saw a text from another man and a rather vague response from my wife and blew up. Things between us haven't been great and seeing that was a trigger. Yes at the beginning I was paranoid about it and that actually made things worse. The more I investigated the more I realized that I did make a big deal over something that she did deflect. My original thinking was how could someone send a person a text like that unless they knew full well it would be accepted or that something was going on, and from everything I've seen since then, my assumptions have been proven wrong. I have backed off on the surveillance but I am still paying close attention to things. If another flag pops up, yes I'll look into it, but for now it's just not worth driving myself crazy over it.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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Well if there was something that pointed to the fact that she was being banged by another guy, yes that would bother me, but there isn't anything that points to that. Everything that I have found actually points to the fact that other than one text he sent, nothing ever happened. I drove myself crazy with all the "what if's" when I first saw the text and confronted her. But since then everything I've found and seen on her phone, VAR recordings and behavior, nothing has pointed to a physical affair. And because of that, for my own sanity and well being, I can't keep thinking that there was a physical affair. All I can do is keep my guard up and look for any additional signs or evidence of anything and investigate them if they come up.
your gut is not wrong, it just wasn't right this time.

Trust your gut, and don't be bothered by the social moors of others, just open the conversation, there could also be other sexual dynamics that attracts these guys, is your wife submissive ? that will attract dominants like crazy and few have my level of self restraint. I will say this, I can spot a submissive in 30 seconds through verbal cues, body language and gestures and sure as **** I can usually **** them anytime I want to, and I did **** many many many of them prior to meeting my wife, who was the first women challenging enough to hold my interest.

emotional affairs while not cheating can be worse then cheating on many many levels.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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your gut is not wrong, it just wasn't right this time.

Trust your gut, and don't be bothered by the social moors of others, just open the conversation, there could also be other sexual dynamics that attracts these guys, is your wife submissive ? that will attract dominants like crazy and few have my level of self restraint. I will say this, I can spot a submissive in 30 seconds through verbal cues, body language and gestures and sure as **** I can usually **** them anytime I want to, and I did **** many many many of them prior to meeting my wife, who was the first women challenging enough to hold my interest.

emotional affairs while not cheating can be worse then cheating on many many levels.
That's the thing though, I'm not even sure it was an emotional affair. I've had an emotional affair and been caught for it, so I know. What I saw on her phone in the text thread, other than the text from him, was talk about everyday things and nothing more. I do know and saw that she talked about our relationship problems with him so he knew that she wasn't 100% happy. What I think is that he knew she was vulnerable because of our problems and the text he sent was him throwing out the bait to see if she'd bite, and from what I saw she didn't.
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

If you confront her she'll downplay it the way she did the last time even though it's worse.

"Oh sorry it was a bad decision, I was lonely, you work at nite and sleep all day so I made a mistake but it was only messages and as you can see it stopped 4 months ago, it won't happen again now leave me alone".

See it won't accomplish anything.

Fact is she cheated or almost did, with one or two guys or even more and you'll never get the truth unless you find out for yourself by snooping using currently available technology and even maybe hiring a PI.

Then when and if you get all the facts you can decide if you want to live with her, if not you file for D if so you confront her without telling her everything you have and give her a chance to come clean. If she doesn't, well then you have no choice but to leave her or stay and live with deceit and misery until you finally do leave.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

Dont wait - It will drive you mad! Thats a long time to hold off knowing this and acting as if things are fine. That is no way to live.

Im not sure from your post if R is in your heard or not. Either way you need to blow this sky high and you have EVERYTHING needed to do it with the emails, pics etc.

I wouldn't hold off with this evidence. I would back everything up, print 1 of the topless photos, put it in a folder along with some printed D forms for your state and slide it over to her without saying a single word. Then walk away. Stay silent. then observe.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Unsure of when to confront cheater

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If you confront her she'll downplay it the way she did the last time even though it's worse.

"Oh sorry it was a bad decision, I was lonely, you work at nite and sleep all day so I made a mistake but it was only messages and as you can see it stopped 4 months ago, it won't happen again now leave me alone".

See it won't accomplish anything.

Fact is she cheated or almost did, with one or two guys or even more and you'll never get the truth unless you find out for yourself by snooping using currently available technology and even maybe hiring a PI.

Then when and if you get all the facts you can decide if you want to live with her, if not you file for D if so you confront her without telling her everything you have and give her a chance to come clean. If she doesn't, well then you have no choice but to leave her or stay and live with deceit and misery until you finally do leave.
What more facts? Why a PI? He has emails & NUDE PHOTOS! I mean come on. Its time to ACT, not snoop. She is obviously cheating! Its up to OP to do something about it.
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