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post #16 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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OP,
I would tend to see him as the one degraded. She was with you, you broke up and she went with him, which lasted all of one time. He was a blip on her radar whereas you are the entire screen. It would seem to me that he would feel awkward around you as he was mostly insignificant. And, if indeed some of your friends knew/know about it they most likely thought of him as either insignificant or as a rebound from your breakup. You seem to feel as though he had/has something on you but in reality it is you that has the upper hand.
Not sure it is the upper hand kind of thing. I do not see that in the mental process of this. It is the visuals/mind movies. The OM should really not have been part of the social circle. If the W chose the OP to marry the OM should have been removed for good.


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post #17 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Oh, I'm a little on the fence with this one.

I think that because you were broken up, it's really not your business who it was or that it even happened. HOWEVER, because it was a friend that you both have socialized with throughout the years, I think that changes things. She should have told you. It would have been the right thing to do.

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post #18 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

My initial reaction was that it's no big deal. You guys were split up. He probably thought you knew about it all those times you were hanging out with him - it wasn't HIS place to bring it up. It was hers, if she wanted to be brutally honest. And lets face it, brutal honesty sometimes isn't the best policy.

Then I thought about how I'd react if my husband had done the same thing and I changed my mind. It would PISS ME OFF if he never told me and I'd be REALLY upset.

That said, I don't think it's reasonable to be TOO upset over it, as long as she understands that what she did by not telling you is a huge NO-NO.
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post #19 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

She's lying.

If she didn't think it was an issue, why didn't she tell you back then.

If it was a complete non issue in her mind, she would not have kept thinking about it all this time, enough to finally admit it now. She finally brought it up because she knew she has been withholding important information and she thought now would be a good time to admit it because so much time has elapsed and OM is no longer around.

This was her effort to finally get it off her chest.
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post #20 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Only thing I can think of is she was embarrassed to share it with you? Maybe she regrets the ONS. I understand why you feel the way you do though...

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post #21 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.

I had broken up with her and she was free to do what she wanted. She readily admits it was not the best decision in her life and I am ok with moving on. The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her.

What we disagree on and what really bugs me is…. She did not tell me when we got back together and we interacted with him for at least a decade. I drank beer and yucked it up with him 50 to 100 times over that decade at parties, gatherings, mutual friend’s weddings etc. He even attended our wedding. I am sure he told at least a few mutual friends. I may be wrong but I assume most of our circle of friends outside of me knew of the dalliance.

My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.

What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?

Thanks in advance.
Seems like a kind of ****ty thing to do. The thing with this is on the one hand people like your wife want you to NOT covet their sexuality but if you really didn't it would bother them. A ONS when you are not together isn't an issue. Keeping it secret from you while you interacted for years is. Not having any empathy that this would bother you is a big red flag. It would bother most, and I would say having it not bother you would be worse because it would say that you really don't care about your intimacy. (your meaning you collectively)

The bigger problem is she has dismissed your feelings completely. This would be where my biggest problem would be. Obviously from the response here most would have at least a little problem with it. Scoffing at your partners concerns is never a healthy place to be in a relationship.

I think any spouse who has a partner who wouldn't at least be a little hurt/jealous by this, has a partner who doesn't really value their sexual bond much. Having a partner whose attitude is "meh" doesn't sound very appealing.
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post #22 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I bet if you had said: "I'm happy you don't think this is bad because there were some things I did back then with one of our distant friends that I didn't share either because I didn't think you needed to know" her eyes would've bulged and she would've has a similar response to yours.

Only if she had zero negative response to this would I believe she truly doesn't think what she did was wrong.
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post #23 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I bet if you had said: "I'm happy you don't think this is bad because there were some things I did back then with one of our distant friends that I didn't share either because I didn't think you needed to know" her eyes would've bulged and she would've has a similar response to yours.

Only if she had zero negative response to this would I believe she truly doesn't think what she did was wrong.
If she had zero negative response that would be worse in my opinion. Having a partner who doesn't give a **** about this kind of stuff is scary.
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post #24 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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If she had zero negative response that would be worse in my opinion. Having a partner who doesn't give a **** about this kind of stuff is scary.
IMO, at the end of the day....the W knows this is bad.

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post #25 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Only thing I can think of is she was embarrassed to share it with you? Maybe she regrets the ONS. I understand why you feel the way you do though...
I'm not sure keeping the ONS in her life socially is embarrassment or regret. OM should have been gone IMO.


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post #26 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

It won't be easy, but I'd say get over it.

Most of the people we get intimate with are people we meet in daily life. And, since we tend to be repeat visitors at the same places, the intimate partners we have will likely have interacted with other people at the same places we go.

I got a (to me) disgusting example of how bad it can get...25 years ago I attended an "America Online Party", held at a large nightspot in Denver. The younger chap who'd introduced me to America Online had told me it was happening. We walked in, I'd say there were 200 people there. He gazed around and mused "I honestly can't see a woman here who I haven't been to bed with yet". My instinctive reaction was "baloney" and then "eww"...and then as I saw women interacting with him I realized that they treated him as a major hunk...he did look like Brad Pitt but without the low-IQ low brow. The only woman I chose to interact was the only one NOT showing extreme interest in him. And she turned out to be his younger sister. We ended up going out for coffee and while it could have gone somewhere, she was about 15 years younger than me and it already felt like she needed a dad - not what I was after.

On a more normal scale, though...I met my wife where I worked. We had both been there 15 years. The building had 1500 people in it. I lived close to the facility and so did she...and so did many other employees. So, if I dated a woman I met near my neighborhood, chances were high that she worked at the same place I did...such was true, of course, for my to-be-wife. So, in this case, it wasn't icky - but it was certainly the case that both of us had been intimate with other people who worked at the same place, and it really didn't take much to notice which other guys had some of the characteristics that she liked about me, and who seemed to express a familiarity with her. And I'm sure she found it the same.

So...it's just a natural outcome of the way humans tend to socialize from those activities we do most often.

Now, if it's something you want to never experience - keep your virginity until you marry and insist you'll only marry someone who does the same.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #27 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I'm not sure keeping the ONS in her life socially is embarrassment or regret. OM should have been gone IMO.
Totally agree on that, the fact that he came to their wedding...ugh. Classy guy, eh? Why would he not just stop associating with her once he realized she was married? Idk.

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post #28 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Ok that sucks, not so much she hooked up with the guy but the fact that she kept him in your lives and never told you about it is kind of ****ty. After all this time I would probably make myself get over it but sure would be watchful of them together, just because.

It's a tough one though. Would you have told her if the situation was reversed? Why did this come up after 25 years? Was she mad at you? I think after 25 years that would be a secret I would take to my grave.
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post #29 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

NorthStarGene,

I would have an enormous issue with anyone my W had continued to see, even casually, someone she had sex with after we
were married.

Did she communicate in any way with him during your marriage and how close does he live to you now.

I have a brother in law who tried to have sex with my now wife when we were dating and I have to tell you that even now
, 30 years later, I really don't like being around him. My W does not want to tell her sister what happened however.

Another issue is are you sure you have the complete truth or was her relationship with this OM the secret reason you broke up back then. People tend to minimize what they tell you, and the ONS may just have been the culmination of a much longer EA "emotional affair."

Pay a visit to the OM and see what additional details he gives you.

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post #30 of 121 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

To answer your question, it is quite okay to be bothered and saddened.

Having an ONS while broken up is nothing. To me not saying anything is nothing because women get shamed for having sexual partners. With 25 years of marriage this applies more so for your age bracket. Him fulfilling his desire when we broke up wouldn't bother me as much. Just like I'd tell her to calm down if you had sex with her friend on a break up.

Letting me yuck it up for 10 years, after they had a sex tryst, would bother me. Oh and I get the part about other people knew.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to convince her of anything and it isn't worth ruining an otherwise good marriage.
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