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post #31 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Totally agree on that, the fact that he came to their wedding...ugh. Classy guy, eh? Why would he not just stop associating with her once he realized she was married? Idk.
Some folks are wired differently. I have family who have divorced and the ex wives still come around with the new wife present. Some are best friends.


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post #32 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

What one spouse did prior to marriage is their business (assuming it was legal).

BUT- she should have disclosed that she slept with this guy before having you all hang out with him during your marriage. That's just openness and honestly in marriage.

I think you have a right to be upset and I'd use it as an opportunity to let her know that you expect full transparency in the future because this bothered you. One thing I've learned in marriage is that what bothers me may not necessarily bother my husband if the roles were reversed- but it doesn't mean I'm wrong for feeling that way. As your wife, she should care about your feelings enough to not let it happen again now that she knows you're not ok with unknowingly hanging out with a guy she slept with.
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post #33 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

have you asked her if the roles were reversed and you slept with a friend of her's and she hung out with her for all those years and only you two knew you had a thing once...would she be upset? i would feel like there was a joke in the room every time you there got together and you were it...its one thing if it was a stranger still another if they are a friend.
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post #34 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Hello,

I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.

Having known this information for about two weeks, the sadness fluctuates greatly. I will forget about the whole thing, then something on the radio reminds me of an event… then pow… it all comes back like a freight train and I just get bummed out again.

She did nothing wrong “by the letter of the law” but it still seems like I am on the wrong end of bad deal. And the biggest problem is she does not see this as a big deal. Just because it is “legal” does not mean it was right.

In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things

Thanks again
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post #35 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Is OM still hanging around? I'd tell wife he is GONE!!! As others have said, she probably would be a little upset if you would have been jumping one of her friends back then. And you still go out to beers with her.
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post #36 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

NorthStar,

Expect recovery to take about 2 to 5 years, for some people longer. The triggers can last indefinitely.

The basic issues here is honesty and respect.

Your W never got a chance to recover either, I would suspect she thought about it once a day or so.

If the OM was married or dating someone he subsequently married they need to be told.

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post #37 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:39 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Muster up the absolute straightest face you can and tell her that you slept with her sister during that same time period all those years ago.

Then wait 60 seconds and ask her why she's freaking out.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #38 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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IMO, at the end of the day....the W knows this is bad.
Of course she does, there was a reason she kept it secret. Now she is just dismissing him and shaming him so he won't bring it up. She sounds kind of crappy.
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post #39 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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To answer your question, it is quite okay to be bothered and saddened.

Having an ONS while broken up is nothing. To me not saying anything is nothing because women get shamed for having sexual partners. With 25 years of marriage this applies more so for your age bracket. Him fulfilling his desire when we broke up wouldn't bother me as much. Just like I'd tell her to calm down if you had sex with her friend on a break up.

Letting me yuck it up for 10 years, after they had a sex tryst, would bother me. Oh and I get the part about other people knew.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to convince her of anything and it isn't worth ruining an otherwise good marriage.
How good of a marriage can it be with secrets and her dismissing him when basically everyone here thinks it is at least an uncomfortable deal. Doesn't sound like a great one to me. Not someone I would want to be married to.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-18-2017 at 02:14 AM.
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post #40 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I would have a hard time with this. You yucked it up for 10 years with this man that had sex with your wife while she was single and no one said anything til now? She was single and she had this right but I think she should have told you and I wonder about the friendship with your male friend. So he goes on with you as if nothing happened? You are going to have to find a way to forgive them both. These kind of things can ruin a marriage and you are going to have to find alot of strength to be able to truly forgive and move on.

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post #41 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Major Trigger Thread for Me. So I experienced all of these things with my W and it has been at the root of many of our problems for decades really.

While we were engaged my W told me that she had been with one person a couple of times so no big deal right? I thought I knew who it was. I had never met him and I never would cross paths with him so I really did not care. What I discovered shortly after we were married is that it was a very good friend of mine and it was not a couple of times it was a long, hot summer and he wanted to marry her but he had pissed her off and so they were playing games with each other minds.

So it does piss me off that I was not told by either one of them. I likely would have not married her. There has been no getting away from him as her best friend is married to his brother and her sister ended up marrying his other brother. It is all just a bit too close for me.

You know it is funny one day my Mom found a box of old stuff of mine in the attic and gave it to me. The next morning I was going through it and I found a few letters from a girl I had dated (and that is all we did) in college. She asked what I was reading and when I told her she flipped out. I was astonished. I reminded her that it was ok for her to invite her F Buddy to our wedding but I was being castigated for reading a few letters from a girl I dated. How is that for priceless?OP what your wife did to you sucks badly. She owes you an apology.

Now in true TAM fashion I will just put it out there that this being a ONS only is questionable.
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post #42 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I'm not so sure I'd be very happy knowing my husband slept with someone in our social circle (ONS or not). Jealousy rightfully kicks in.
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post #43 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:06 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

You were separated. Are you telling me, she hasnt come accross any of your ex girlfriends in the 25 years of your marriage? Have you gone out of your way to ensure they are excluded from all social functions you happen to attend with your wife or you avoid all such social functions, weddings, church, etc?

See where I am going with this? YOu have had 25 good years, stop mulling over the past and move on.
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post #44 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 02:11 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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You were separated. Are you telling me, she hasnt come accross any of your ex girlfriends in the 25 years of your marriage? Have you gone out of your way to ensure they are excluded from all social functions you happen to attend with your wife or you avoid all such social functions, weddings, church, etc?

See where I am going with this? YOu have had 25 good years, stop mulling over the past and move on.
Somehow you equate that to having the person in your social circle? Really not the same thing.

OP I think you wife found your account and is posting on this thread.
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post #45 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 02:35 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
Hello,

I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.

Having known this information for about two weeks, the sadness fluctuates greatly. I will forget about the whole thing, then something on the radio reminds me of an event… then pow… it all comes back like a freight train and I just get bummed out again.

She did nothing wrong “by the letter of the law” but it still seems like I am on the wrong end of bad deal. And the biggest problem is she does not see this as a big deal. Just because it is “legal” does not mean it was right.

In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things

Thanks again

That's why she didn't tell you.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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