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post #46 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I'm wondering why she told him all these years later, if it was only because he wouldn't have married her, she could have told him a few years later. Not clear if this guy is still around. Possibly she had an affair for that same decade or so, and he's now out of the picture, so now she's getting it all off her chest by admitting to a ONS during a break. Doesn't make sense to me otherwise.

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post #47 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:06 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

You were both broken up for 3 months. You were not married at that time. Did you date or have sex with any women during that time?

Did the two of your set down rules for this break up that the TWO of you were to NOT DATE others or anything - ever or for 12 months?
A lot of people date within their circle... it's quite normal.

If she had sex with this friend WHILE you both we talking about getting back together - then that would be an issue. But in reality, she was not yours nor were you her's. What right would you have had BACK then about who she dated, kissed or had sex with? If its 25+ years of no cheating... then grow up and let it go. Go see a therapist by yourself and as a couple to sort this out.

I can kind of see both sides of the coin, we recently had a similar story last month - except it was a few months after and no marriage. That OP (a woman) had sex with a previous BF, while she was broken up with future fiancee - like a year of not being together. Her BF found out about it and had sex with her friend for revenge. Then attacked her for "cheating on him" - he was having an affair with her friend because it was ongoing - while what she did, it was a ONS with an ex and being back in a relationship with her BF wasn't even a blimp on the radar. She and most of us here - recommended that she leave him. Since he was immature and had sex several times with the other woman, even the day before he flew across the country to live with her.

Your wife didn't cheat on you. It was kind of none of your business. I doubt anyone is laughing at you or care, it was 25 years ago. Mature people don't worry about such things. When I broke up with my wife for a few months - I was dating and having sex with others. When we decided to get back together, I finished off 2 last dates and that was that. No more.

I've been in a situation of your buddy many years ago, before getting married myself. She was a FWB woman but had spent about 2 years separated from her husband who WAS having sex with other women. We partied and other mutual friends know we were sexual. When she and her husband went back together about 7 years ago, I never attempted to have sex with her again. We are friends, yes. Her husband knows me. Since she and her husband have reconciled - she never asked me for sex, and I never offered. We're all past that, it's the past.

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post #48 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:34 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.

I had broken up with her and she was free to do what she wanted. She readily admits it was not the best decision in her life and I am ok with moving on. The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her.

What we disagree on and what really bugs me is…. She did not tell me when we got back together and we interacted with him for at least a decade. I drank beer and yucked it up with him 50 to 100 times over that decade at parties, gatherings, mutual friend’s weddings etc. He even attended our wedding. I am sure he told at least a few mutual friends. I may be wrong but I assume most of our circle of friends outside of me knew of the dalliance.

My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.

What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?

Thanks in advance.


Did you specifically ask if she had slept with anyone during the break? If so, I'd be super pissed. If you didn't ask, she didn't do anything wrong, but it still would bother me. I would still wonder about why she brings it up after all these years. (See my other post). Is the guy still in the picture, if not, how long has he been gone?
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post #49 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:06 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I have no problem with what she did while you were legitimately broken up.

However, she wanted the friend to remain in her life, even if she chose you. They could remain "friends" and decide FOR you what was best (not to tell you). No harm done if you're oblivious. When they'd see each other, what do you bet they'd look at each other with a face, "remember the time when...?" and you'd have zero clue.

Yeah, they both sound wonderful.

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post #50 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:30 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
You were both broken up for 3 months. You were not married at that time. Did you date or have sex with any women during that time?

Did the two of your set down rules for this break up that the TWO of you were to NOT DATE others or anything - ever or for 12 months?
A lot of people date within their circle... it's quite normal.

If she had sex with this friend WHILE you both we talking about getting back together - then that would be an issue. But in reality, she was not yours nor were you her's. What right would you have had BACK then about who she dated, kissed or had sex with? If its 25+ years of no cheating... then grow up and let it go. Go see a therapist by yourself and as a couple to sort this out.

I can kind of see both sides of the coin, we recently had a similar story last month - except it was a few months after and no marriage. That OP (a woman) had sex with a previous BF, while she was broken up with future fiancee - like a year of not being together. Her BF found out about it and had sex with her friend for revenge. Then attacked her for "cheating on him" - he was having an affair with her friend because it was ongoing - while what she did, it was a ONS with an ex and being back in a relationship with her BF wasn't even a blimp on the radar. She and most of us here - recommended that she leave him. Since he was immature and had sex several times with the other woman, even the day before he flew across the country to live with her.

Your wife didn't cheat on you. It was kind of none of your business. I doubt anyone is laughing at you or care, it was 25 years ago. Mature people don't worry about such things. When I broke up with my wife for a few months - I was dating and having sex with others. When we decided to get back together, I finished off 2 last dates and that was that. No more.

I've been in a situation of your buddy many years ago, before getting married myself. She was a FWB woman but had spent about 2 years separated from her husband who WAS having sex with other women. We partied and other mutual friends know we were sexual. When she and her husband went back together about 7 years ago, I never attempted to have sex with her again. We are friends, yes. Her husband knows me. Since she and her husband have reconciled - she never asked me for sex, and I never offered. We're all past that, it's the past.
The difference being her husband knew about you, right?

OP knew nothing until recently and interacted with him for years unknowingly.

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post #51 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:35 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I have no problem with what she did while you were legitimately broken up.

However, she wanted the friend to remain in her life, even if she chose you. They could remain "friends" and decide FOR you what was best (not to tell you). No harm done if you're oblivious. When they'd see each other, what do you bet they'd look at each other with a face, "remember the time when...?" and you'd have zero clue.

Yeah, they both sound wonderful.
And, why reveal it now?

What purpose does it serve ? Other than cause pain for OP?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #52 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:53 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

25yrs the ago........had a good marriage .........

Put it to bed and never think of it again. Your just causing yourself undue stress. Is this you hill to die on. What do you want validation that she was wrong or a ****.

You were broken up she could do as she pleases.

He must have not been very good if she came back to you.

If she ever mentions it again just chuckle and say yea i have some regretts also and give her a wicked grin.
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post #53 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 06:47 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
And, why reveal it now?

What purpose does it serve ?
She's been harbouring this for a long time and it's always been nagging her in the back of her mind. Now she has finally gotten it off her chest.

She knows it's a big deal but if she keeps pretending it's not then OP will be confused by the minor gaslighting.
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post #54 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.

I had broken up with her and she was free to do what she wanted. She readily admits it was not the best decision in her life and I am ok with moving on. The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her.

What we disagree on and what really bugs me is…. She did not tell me when we got back together and we interacted with him for at least a decade. I drank beer and yucked it up with him 50 to 100 times over that decade at parties, gatherings, mutual friend’s weddings etc. He even attended our wedding. I am sure he told at least a few mutual friends. I may be wrong but I assume most of our circle of friends outside of me knew of the dalliance.

My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.

What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?

Thanks in advance.
Nope.

Pretty reasonable response and expectation.

Did you screw around as well? Did you talk to each other about what you had done during your separation?

F'ing other people is one of the stupidest things you can do if you want to reconcile and it sounds like she used the break up as an excuse to try out some other men. Did you sample some women?

You both should have had a discussion before getting back together.

Yes, banging a guy that hangs out with both of you and your friends and is even in your wedding later was monumentally stupid on her part especially in light of not disclosing that to you.

It shows a severe lack of consideration and respect for you.

I would feel far less mellow than you about it but I would have instigated a serious tell all conversation before getting back together with her to avoid pitfalls like the very one you are describing.
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post #55 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
Hello,

I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.

Having known this information for about two weeks, the sadness fluctuates greatly. I will forget about the whole thing, then something on the radio reminds me of an event… then pow… it all comes back like a freight train and I just get bummed out again.

She did nothing wrong “by the letter of the law” but it still seems like I am on the wrong end of bad deal. And the biggest problem is she does not see this as a big deal. Just because it is “legal” does not mean it was right.

In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things

Thanks again
Ok. Then that is why she didn't tell you.

She decided to manipulate you into marrying her by hiding information (lying by omission) so she could sample getting f'd by her buddy and still get married to you.

She is still probably lying her butt off about it and probably had far more than a ONS with him and possibly tried someone else.

Her personality comes off as very selfish and manipulative when it comes to relationships.

I would be furious to be manipulated like you have been.

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post #56 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things


You'd throw away a great marriage because your wife had a fling before you were married and on a break? How sad.

Yes she should have given you the heads up, but this statement above makes me think that you're treating her like she was a s*** because she slept with another guy while not in a committed relationship.

I think if this ruins things in your marriage it will be on you. She was likely embarassed, or just wanted to put it behind her. Obviously this guy wasn't who she chose to spend her life with. You need to stop punishing her for having sex with another guy while you two were broken up. That's her business. The only issue is that you had to be around this guy without knowing. If she'd told you, you wouldn't have married her? And you wonder why she has trouble being open and honest with you? Goodness.
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post #57 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Just thought I would chime in with my tuppence:

Some questions have already been asked about what the agreement was when you broke up and also what was discussed/asked when you got back together again.

There are two problems here:

One is that she allowed him to stay in your social circle all this time which is simply DISRESPECTFUL! Is she a disrespectful person in general ? If not, then she knew enough that this was disrespect but still did it. Finding out your wife has been a disrespectful person after all this time is tough.

Two is that she does not see (or pretends not to see) what was wrong in all this. This is a different problem in that is she really that obtuse or insensitive - or is she pretending not to see (dishonest) ?

So yes you have every right to be upset.

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post #58 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Who cares. You weren't together.

Did you have sex with other women when you broke up? I hope so

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post #59 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

How good of friends with this OM? Ordinarily, she should have kept quiet......unless you and the other guy were real close but not sure even then.

I'm thinking it was more awkward for him than you. You were broken up, he took a shot, she picked you over him. I've known many similar cases and since all the couples ended up in long marriages I assume it's no big deal. Insecure people may have a problem but that's life.
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post #60 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.
I am with you on this. But I think it is to some extent a male vs female brain thing. We see this kind of divide here a lot. I can't explain why it is different but it does seem to be a thing.
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