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post #61 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
She's been harbouring this for a long time and it's always been nagging her in the back of her mind. Now she has finally gotten it off her chest.

She knows it's a big deal but if she keeps pretending it's not then OP will be confused by the minor gaslighting.
Maybe she never thinks about it at all. It was long ago may mean nothing to her. We all see the situation through the filter of our own experiences.

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post #62 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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How good of a marriage can it be with secrets and her dismissing him when basically everyone here thinks it is at least an uncomfortable deal.
Boy you like to argue.

Read my post again, if you don't understand what I said, please ask for an explanation. I am very clear where I draw the line, but I know at times I can be confusing. As to the rest, you'll have to find someone else to engage with you on your extreme cherry picking.
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post #63 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

It would bother me for sure.

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post #64 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
NorthStar,

Expect recovery to take about 2 to 5 years, for some people longer. The triggers can last indefinitely.

The basic issues here is honesty and respect.
Yup.

As I started learning more about my xw's undisclosed (and misrepresented) past, it cast an entirely different light on her. What I had perceived as her levels of honesty and respect were obviously not correct.

It left me wondering who else she'd been with that I had socialized with and had no idea. It left me wondering how many of her/our friends thought I was a chump all these years.

One thing that needs to be done at this point is a total disclosure on OP's wife's part. She needs to confess anything and everything which may be relevant. Whatever she may have lied about, skewed, or covered up needs to be corrected.

The fact she is acting as if this is no big deal indicates she either has zero empathy or she doesn't really care about OP's feelings on it. Her reaction should be one of caring about his distress, saying how sorry she is that he feels like this, and saying she wishes somehow she could go back in time to change what happened.

She can be of the opinion that this wasn't a breach of trust because she believes had it been reversed it would not bother her. She can even say that to OP. But she should as a trustworthy and caring spouse also not dismiss or shame his response.

Last edited by Thor; 03-18-2017 at 02:44 PM.
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post #65 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

It is possible she got dumped by the other dude and the OP was her second choice. Still some unanswered questions...
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post #66 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
Hello,

I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.

Having known this information for about two weeks, the sadness fluctuates greatly. I will forget about the whole thing, then something on the radio reminds me of an event… then pow… it all comes back like a freight train and I just get bummed out again.

She did nothing wrong “by the letter of the law” but it still seems like I am on the wrong end of bad deal. And the biggest problem is she does not see this as a big deal. Just because it is “legal” does not mean it was right.

In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things

Thanks again
Your opening post shared "The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her."

Yet you say the bolded... but there is no ends and there is no means because to have that, you would be saying what she did was wrong.

Were you "wronged" or are you trying to make it a "wrong"?

We all make mistakes, but this wasn't dishonesty, and while she she was not forthcoming (are many of us when we do something we are not proud of?), she was probably ashamed by it, but she did volunteer the information, and reaction to it playing the "what if" game is self-defeating.

How about this example of what he may have shared in your circle " Yeh, we hooked up but it was a mistake... she is a really nice girl and so in love with NorthstarGene, it never should have happened and I feel bad, I hope she has a great life with a great guy".

If you can guess on one unknown, why couldn't you guess on this one?

I tend to agree with @Jessica38... of course, if you choose to ride a judgmental high horse, falling off always hurts so be sure you aren't winding yourself up and it's galloping at full speed, because falling off it will be much worse.

The love for you shown last 25 years should show you all you need to know... if you try to prove it wrong, you will only be "wronging" yourself, she will simply catch that fallout of you being unmounted.

Let it go... this can only hurt you with your consent.

नमस्ते 🙏

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 03-18-2017 at 01:01 PM. Reason: Mindful punctuation...
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post #67 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
The difference being her husband knew about you, right?

OP knew nothing until recently and interacted with him for years unknowingly.
I don't know... it never came up. So are you saying that it's okay for a man to go have sex with other women when there is a breakup, but not women? At the time, she/they were not planning on getting back together. I'm happy for them. They married for a year, broke up for almost two years and now its 7 years of both of them happy.

Could she have told the OP back then, yep. Does the act itself make a difference - it shouldn't. They were NOT together. The real question is WHY did she bring it up now? What was the context of the bringing it up?

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #68 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I don't know. I might be cut from a different cloth here, but is something that halogens that long ago worth hurting your current relationship over? I would not see anything wrong with one of my husband's exes hanging around in large social situations. Why you ask? Because I an secure in the fact that he chooses me every day from the present into his future and I see no other woman as a threat to me because I choose every day to be a damn good woman in every way to my man and my children. If my man were to step out, it would be something wrong on his side, not mine. I guess being a confident and secure woman makes me even more ok with it. My attitude, let that ex hang around, so they can see what an amazing thing their ex has now in you! Let them see the love, the patience, the understanding, the forgiveness, and be the bigger man.

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post #69 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Happens*

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post #70 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Boy you like to argue.

Read my post again, if you don't understand what I said, please ask for an explanation. I am very clear where I draw the line, but I know at times I can be confusing. As to the rest, you'll have to find someone else to engage with you on your extreme cherry picking.
I am not arguing with you I am just bringing my prospective, I find it hard to believe you can really have a good marriage with someone who is so dismissive. Take it or leave it. Guess you are leaving it.

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post #71 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I don't know. I might be cut from a different cloth here, but is something that halogens that long ago worth hurting your current relationship over? I would not see anything wrong with one of my husband's exes hanging around in large social situations. Why you ask? Because I an secure in the fact that he chooses me every day from the present into his future and I see no other woman as a threat to me because I choose every day to be a damn good woman in every way to my man and my children. If my man were to step out, it would be something wrong on his side, not mine. I guess being a confident and secure woman makes me even more ok with it. My attitude, let that ex hang around, so they can see what an amazing thing their ex has now in you! Let them see the love, the patience, the understanding, the forgiveness, and be the bigger man.

****** Williams
It's not even the hanging out it is the not saying anything about it. And then not even acknowledging his feelings when they are pretty normal if you take the responses here as a sample. Telling him to get over it is just lame.
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post #72 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Oh. I agree she should have said something. I maybe should have specified that. But saying to not let it eat at your relationship that is obviously good (he did state how he felt at being married to her and it has been good) is not telling him get over it! Maybe you misread my post. Nowhere in it did I tell him to "just get over it". Seems to me you are just trying to find a fight where there is none.
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post #73 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I agree that it was crappy of her to keep OP in the dark knowing full well this guy was in their social circle.

As to her motivation, that's hard to say. Maybe she was afraid he wouldn't marry her, or maybe she just wanted it to go away.

I do think it was selfish and counterproductive to bring it up now. If it was to unburden herself that's very selfish.....I guess if she thought he was soon going to find out it was best coming from her, but why would it come up after so long?

But it is possible she really hasn't thought much about this guy in a long time. I know I barely remember anyone before my hb and it's been almost 12 years for us.....I have kids with my ex but I barely remember much beyond coparenting with him. That's how little anyone else matters to me compared to my hb.

But in fairness none of my exes are in our social circle and my ex hb is limited to dealing with kids.

I don't know what to offer here. Maybe time is needed to let things process and pass?
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post #74 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
Your opening post shared "The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her."

Yet you say the bolded... but there is no ends and there is no means because to have that, you would be saying what she did was wrong.

Were you "wronged" or are you trying to make it a "wrong"?

We all make mistakes, but this wasn't dishonesty, and while she she was not forthcoming (are many of us when we do something we are not proud of?), she was probably ashamed by it, but she did volunteer the information, and reaction to it playing the "what if" game is self-defeating.

How about this example of what he may have shared in your circle " Yeh, we hooked up but it was a mistake... she is a really nice girl and so in love with NorthstarGene, it never should have happened and I feel bad, I hope she has a great life with a great guy".

If you can guess on one unknown, why couldn't you guess on this one?

I tend to agree with @Jessica38... of course, if you choose to ride a judgmental high horse, falling off always hurts so be sure you aren't winding yourself up and it's galloping at full speed, because falling off it will be much worse.

The love for you shown last 25 years should show you all you need to know... if you try to prove it wrong, you will only be "wronging" yourself, she will simply catch that fallout of you being unmounted.

Let it go... this can only hurt you with your consent.
Wow. What a great reply.
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post #75 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I don't know what to offer here. Maybe time is needed to let things process and pass?
Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.

My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.

And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing subterfuge. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.
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