I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.
Having known this information for about two weeks, the sadness fluctuates greatly. I will forget about the whole thing, then something on the radio reminds me of an event… then pow… it all comes back like a freight train and I just get bummed out again.
She did nothing wrong “by the letter of the law” but it still seems like I am on the wrong end of bad deal. And the biggest problem is she does not see this as a big deal. Just because it is “legal” does not mean it was right.
In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things
Your opening post shared "The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her."
Yet you say the bolded... but there is no ends and there is no means because to have that, you would be saying what she did was wrong.
Were you "wronged" or are you trying to make it a "wrong"?
We all make mistakes, but this wasn't dishonesty, and while she she was not forthcoming (are many of us when we do something we are not proud of?), she was probably ashamed by it, but she did volunteer the information, and reaction to it playing the "what if" game is self-defeating.
How about this example of what he may have shared in your circle " Yeh, we hooked up but it was a mistake... she is a really nice girl and so in love with NorthstarGene, it never should have happened and I feel bad, I hope she has a great life with a great guy".
If you can guess on one unknown, why couldn't you guess on this one?
I tend to agree with @Jessica38
... of course, if you choose to ride a judgmental high horse, falling off always hurts so be sure you aren't winding yourself up and it's galloping at full speed, because falling off it will be much worse.
The love for you shown last 25 years should show you all you need to know... if you try to prove it wrong, you will only be "wronging" yourself, she will simply catch that fallout of you being unmounted.
Let it go... this can only hurt you with your consent.