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post #76 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I don't know. I might be cut from a different cloth here, but is something that halogens that long ago worth hurting your current relationship over? I would not see anything wrong with one of my husband's exes hanging around in large social situations. Why you ask? Because I an secure in the fact that he chooses me every day from the present into his future and I see no other woman as a threat to me because I choose every day to be a damn good woman in every way to my man and my children. If my man were to step out, it would be something wrong on his side, not mine. I guess being a confident and secure woman makes me even more ok with it. My attitude, let that ex hang around, so they can see what an amazing thing their ex has now in you! Let them see the love, the patience, the understanding, the forgiveness, and be the bigger man.

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I wish I could like this more than just once.

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post #77 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

WHY did she all of a sudden mention this to you? Seems like after 25 years, she would have no particular reason to talk about this unless a) she is REALLY guilty about it -- but why NOW?? or b) something came up between the two of them that she thought she'd better tell you.

Either way, her not understanding how uncomfortable you will be around this guy is NOT acceptable.
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post #78 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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WHY did she all of a sudden mention this to you? Seems like after 25 years, she would have no particular reason to talk about this unless a) she is REALLY guilty about it -- but why NOW?? or b) something came up between the two of them that she thought she'd better tell you.

Either way, her not understanding how uncomfortable you will be around this guy is NOT acceptable.
Shrinks will tell you that to really explore yourself you go deeper into the issue. Regardless of reason to tell her husband the question is really about him and his reactions. There are probably stages of processing this kind of information. I might want to know every detail of what happened. Where did it happen? Did he take you out before it happened? How big was his **** and so forth. Then put it to rest. Once the mystery is gone all that remains are the facts. Go with it. Get into it. Imaginary scenarios are likely worse than the reality.
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post #79 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Shrinks will tell you that to really explore yourself you go deeper into the issue. Regardless of reason to tell her husband the question is really about him and his reactions. There are probably stages of processing this kind of information. I might want to know every detail of what happened. Where did it happen? Did he take you out before it happened? How big was his **** and so forth. Then put it to rest. Once the mystery is gone all that remains are the facts. Go with it. Get into it. Imaginary scenarios are likely worse than the reality.
I don't think those kinds of questions would be productive.

The issue is she deceived him via omitting important information. So what is needed is to correct the record on anything else she may have not been fully honest about. If it were me, I would not want to know additional information about her previous relationships which I already know about. She did not lie about having the ONS, she lied by omission about who it was with, and she let her husband hang out with this guy unknowingly.

Having been through something similar with my now xw, what I wanted was a full disclosure about whatever may not have been fully honestly divulged before. I didn't need to know which bf of hers had a big penis or who was romantic. I didn't need to know what sex positions they enjoyed. Those details weren't needed before and weren't needed as part of fixing the lies. What was needed was to know what information was incorrect, and then to correct it.
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post #80 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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How good of friends with this OM? Ordinarily, she should have kept quiet......unless you and the other guy were real close but not sure even then.

I'm thinking it was more awkward for him than you. You were broken up, he took a shot, she picked you over him. I've known many similar cases and since all the couples ended up in long marriages I assume it's no big deal. Insecure people may have a problem but that's life.
I'm as confident and secure as they come. I could pick up women in their twenties tonight.

This would bother me with a serious intensity because it doesn't speak well of her character.
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post #81 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 08:35 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.

My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.

And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing subterfuge. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.
Not a gender issue in my experience.

Mrs. C would have been more furious than I if I did this to her.
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post #82 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 09:58 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Oh my, you really came to the wrong place. These guys are going to have you or your wife filing for divorce by the end of the week.
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post #83 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Oh my, you really came to the wrong place. These guys are going to have you or your wife filing for divorce by the end of the week.
LOL!
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post #84 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:23 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

@NorthstarGene


I feel for you, she did a ****ty thing by not telling you about it.


That said, I want to try and offer some comfort.

There's a good chance that all the people in your social circle either:

1.) Don't know about it.

2.) Figure that you know about it and accept it; that's why you still socialize with the guy.

That should be a salve for your pride. Your pride is hurt. As it should be. My pride would be hurt; and I'm a woman. (Why do people think that women wouldn't be ****ing furious if their husband withheld this type of information?)

So, I wouldn't worry that you are the laughingstock of your social circle. I doubt it.

And finally, now that you DO know: Your wife must agree to never see this guy ever again.
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post #85 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:24 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Northstargene, who broke up with who back then?

This is a messed up deal.

She is definitely in the wrong. She should have told you. Hell she might have broke up with you to do the ONS.

I have a gf do that in high school and try and get back together with me. Turns out they date for a few weeks he got want he wanted and dumped her. Then she came to me asking it we come try again. Not in this life time. It would not be the first time a person had done this. I found out what had happened through other people. She didn't tell.

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post #86 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:55 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
I feel for you, she did a ****ty thing by not telling you about it.

True

And she compounded it by bringing it up after so much time has passed.

OP: Why did she mention it after all this time?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

Last edited by Malaise; 03-18-2017 at 11:59 PM.
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post #87 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Yup.

As I started learning more about my xw's undisclosed (and misrepresented) past, it cast an entirely different light on her. What I had perceived as her levels of honesty and respect were obviously not correct.

It left me wondering who else she'd been with that I had socialized with and had no idea. It left me wondering how many of her/our friends thought I was a chump all these years.

One thing that needs to be done at this point is a total disclosure on OP's wife's part. She needs to confess anything and everything which may be relevant. Whatever she may have lied about, skewed, or covered up needs to be corrected.

The fact she is acting as if this is no big deal indicates she either has zero empathy or she doesn't really care about OP's feelings on it. Her reaction should be one of caring about his distress, saying how sorry she is that he feels like this, and saying she wishes somehow she could go back in time to change what happened.

She can be of the opinion that this wasn't a breach of trust because she believes had it been reversed it would not bother her. She can even say that to OP. But she should as a trustworthy and caring spouse also not dismiss or shame his response.
Either she doesn't get it or she does and just doesn't care.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #88 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:46 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Oh my, you really came to the wrong place. These guys are going to have you or your wife filing for divorce by the end of the week.
She's right. Let it go Gene.

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post #89 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.

My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.

And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing subterfuge. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.
Thor, this says a lot about your insecurities. Could you ever have a relationship with a worldly woman? One who has had more sexual experiences with men than you did with women? Do you want an equal as a partner?
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post #90 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Thor, this says a lot about your insecurities. Could you ever have a relationship with a worldly woman? One who has had more sexual experiences with men than you did with women? Do you want an equal as a partner?
Apparently not. I'm one of those insecure controlling cavemen. You've seen right through me. Lol.
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