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post #91 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.
She omitted it because she knew it might impact you getting together with her. Like you said it was a ONE night stand, and I thinnk it should be take for what it was. A one time thing, especially because you were broken up, so she could do whatever she wanted. She still loved you though.

I was the "third" in a relationship before and we would all hang out together, wife husband and me. Husband obviously had no clue. It was horrible at that time, and thinking about it now it looks even more horrible, but I dont see how things could have gone differently. Sometimes you just do stuff, and regret it later. I dont think this "friend" did anything wrong: was he supposed to disappear from your lives because when you dumped your girl he consoled her?

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post #92 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Hello,

I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.

Having known this information for about two weeks, the sadness fluctuates greatly. I will forget about the whole thing, then something on the radio reminds me of an event… then pow… it all comes back like a freight train and I just get bummed out again.

She did nothing wrong “by the letter of the law” but it still seems like I am on the wrong end of bad deal. And the biggest problem is she does not see this as a big deal. Just because it is “legal” does not mean it was right.

In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things

Thanks again
I think the guy "friend" in question should have been gracious enough to leave you guys alone once you got married. Your wife really didnt do anything wrong in my opinion. They probably even talked about it and decided to never do it again.
When I was the third in a situation like this, I left them alone once I realized they still loved each other.
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post #93 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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She's right. Let it go Gene.

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This is kind of disappointing.

I'm not advocating for divorce and I don't see a lot of "divorce her" statements on this thread.

I am saying I would be very cross with my wife if she had pulled a brat move like this one on me.

Everyone is different with how they react to being treated with disrespect and manipulation.

I personally would have punished my wife with a thorough spanking and then we would sit down and really communicate about how her dishonesty was a very unhealthy choice for our relationship.

We would have repaired the rift, grown from it and moved on.

I probably would have found the "friend" by myself and intimidated the hell out of him while making his life somewhat uncomfortable for a while.

I am good at psychological warfare though and everyone has to work with what they have.

Can you quote all the cries for divorce over this one?
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post #94 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I think the guy "friend" in question should have been gracious enough to leave you guys alone once you got married. Your wife really didnt do anything wrong in my opinion. They probably even talked about it and decided to never do it again.
When I was the third in a situation like this, I left them alone once I realized they still loved each other.
That's an interesting point, and I agree. The guy should've removed himself from the situation so that at least there was distance between him and the two of you.

I cut off a guy friend, who I'd never has any kind of relationship with beyond friendship, because he got married and I had reason to think his wife wasn't comfortable with our friendship.

So I quietly removed myself.
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post #95 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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This is kind of disappointing.

I'm not advocating for divorce and I don't see a lot of "divorce her" statements on this thread.

I am saying I would be very cross with my wife if she had pulled a brat move like this one on me.

Everyone is different with how they react to being treated with disrespect and manipulation.

I personally would have punished my wife with a thorough spanking and then we would sit down and really communicate about how her dishonesty was a very unhealthy choice for our relationship.

We would have repaired the rift, grown from it and moved on.

I probably would have found the "friend" by myself and intimidated the hell out of him while making his life somewhat uncomfortable for a while.

I am good at psychological warfare though and everyone has to work with what they have.

Can you quote all the cries for divorce over this one?
Just a strawman. The closest anyone came to advocating divorce is that he said he wouldn't have married her if he had known.


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post #96 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.

My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.

And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing subterfuge. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.

Wow, I'd never considered it from that perspective, but it does make sense.

You explained it really well, particularly the comment about being in a subordinate position.

That could be a gender thing, because I know I wouldn't be happy to find out i was socializing with an ex of my hb's, but it wouldn't be because I felt like I was in a subordinate position. It would be because I think exes have no place in a current relationship and I would question both his boundaries and committment to me if he was socializing with an ex and keeping the ex part from me. I guess I'd feel a little disadvantaged because I wouldn't know to pay a little extra attention, which I think you have to do with an ex around.

However, I'm not inclined to be a policewoman with my own hb. That isn't the sort of relationship I'm interested in.

That's exactly the reason I think exes have no place in a relationship.

You want to sniff around elsewhere? Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

We have no reason to see any of my exes besides my ex hb who clearly hb knows all about, but if we did I would give him a heads up.
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post #97 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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That's an interesting point, and I agree. The guy should've removed himself from the situation so that at least there was distance between him and the two of you.

I cut off a guy friend, who I'd never has any kind of relationship with beyond friendship, because he got married and I had reason to think his wife wasn't comfortable with our friendship.

So I quietly removed myself.
You seem to be more sensitive to the feelings of others than OP's wife.

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post #98 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I can absolutely see the case for completely cutting off an ex from any contact. But, it isn't always that simple. My cousin married one of my ex-boyfriends years ago. The difference? She knew everything. When I met my husband, he was made aware, too. I don't socialize with my cousin or her husband on a regular basis. But, if there is a family function and we all attend, I don't seek him out, nor do I go out of my way to ignore him. Same with him. But the most important aspect is that our spouses are aware of everything, and we never tried to hide any aspect of our prior relationship.

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post #99 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:33 AM
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Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by Nucking Futs View Post
Just a strawman. The closest anyone came to advocating divorce is that he said he wouldn't have married her if he had known.


It's not a straw man. No one has to mention divorce. You can just read the posts and see how they are escalating with all the speculation of nefarious deeds and motivation of the wife and in turn cause the poster to do something ridiculous and stupid to his happy 25 year marriage. FFS, someone even called the guy the OM in his post.
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post #100 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things


You'd throw away a great marriage because your wife had a fling before you were married and on a break? How sad.

Yes she should have given you the heads up, but this statement above makes me think that you're treating her like she was a s*** because she slept with another guy while not in a committed relationship.

I think if this ruins things in your marriage it will be on you. She was likely embarassed, or just wanted to put it behind her. Obviously this guy wasn't who she chose to spend her life with. You need to stop punishing her for having sex with another guy while you two were broken up. That's her business. The only issue is that you had to be around this guy without knowing. If she'd told you, you wouldn't have married her? And you wonder why she has trouble being open and honest with you? Goodness.
It's this kind of naive, childish, attitude that hurts so many people in the first place. Not only is OP's wife happy to deceive him into marriage, rub his nose in it with OM still around and keep it up for 25 years, HE'S the one who should be ashamed for objecting to the first in a long line of defense mechanisms designed to cover up poor behavior.

THAT is sad.

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post #101 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Who cares. You weren't together.

Did you have sex with other women when you broke up? I hope so

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I can understand his issue with this. I don't believe it is so much that she had sex with someone while they were broken up, but that she kept this guy around as a friend and never told OP about it. I'm sorry, but I agree that she should have told him. And, unless the guy ended up in a relationship with a family member, he should not have been in the friendship circle any longer.

However, I do agree with you and soccermom (as well as anyone else who has said this. The guy is not, nor has he ever been the "OM". The only way he would be an OM is if they had hooked up WHILE she was in a relationship with OP, or anyone else, for that matter. That was not the case. He is not an OM.

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post #102 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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I am with you on this. But I think it is to some extent a male vs female brain thing. We see this kind of divide here a lot. I can't explain why it is different but it does seem to be a thing.
No. I guarantee it occurs to some females, too. Which is why I was open to my husband, before we ever got married, and told him that my cousin is married to an ex... And we had been intimate.

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post #103 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I want OP to take the higher road and be the bigger person on this situation. Sitting around upset, angry, or saddened over this will not get him anywhere. Forgive your wife and move on.

Would I be upset. You know it, but being mad about something 25 years ago isn't worth it if they've had an amazing marriage.




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post #104 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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She omitted it because she knew it might impact you getting together with her. Like you said it was a ONE night stand, and I thinnk it should be take for what it was. A one time thing, especially because you were broken up, so she could do whatever she wanted. She still loved you though.

I was the "third" in a relationship before and we would all hang out together, wife husband and me. Husband obviously had no clue. It was horrible at that time, and thinking about it now it looks even more horrible, but I dont see how things could have gone differently. Sometimes you just do stuff, and regret it later. I dont think this "friend" did anything wrong: was he supposed to disappear from your lives because when you dumped your girl he consoled her?

She really knows how to show love. Break up for three months, bang another dude, then have that dude be best friend with your husband. Nice. What a way to show your love.
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post #105 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.

I had broken up with her and she was free to do what she wanted. She readily admits it was not the best decision in her life and I am ok with moving on. The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her.

What we disagree on and what really bugs me is…. She did not tell me when we got back together and we interacted with him for at least a decade. I drank beer and yucked it up with him 50 to 100 times over that decade at parties, gatherings, mutual friend’s weddings etc. He even attended our wedding. I am sure he told at least a few mutual friends. I may be wrong but I assume most of our circle of friends outside of me knew of the dalliance.

My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.

What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?

Thanks in advance.
It happened 25 years ago before you were married and you had only known each other for a brief time? Hmmm. That's a tough one. I probably would let it go with her. I'd have a hard time maintaining the friendship though since he never mentioned it to you. That seems strange to me. That part feels like a betrayal, but I don't feel like it's worth a confrontation at this point.
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