Wife does not see this as bad - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 335Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #106 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:39 PM
Forum Supporter
 
TX-SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,566
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I agree with the people saying that you should move past this. Twenty-five years of good marriage is a lot to throw away over something like this. Yes, it would bother me, but it would only be a small blip on a rather large radar. Your wife chose you, not him. Express your unhappiness with the way it was handled. Then, pull her close and tell her you are happy she chose you. Tell her you love her and appreciate her for being a wonderful person and a great wife, then let this issue go away for good.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
TX-SC is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #107 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 50
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post
I agree with the people saying that you should move past this. Twenty-five years of good marriage is a lot to throw away over something like this. Yes, it would bother me, but it would only be a small blip on a rather large radar. Your wife chose you, not him. Express your unhappiness with the way it was handled. Then, pull her close and tell her you are happy she chose you. Tell her you love her and appreciate her for being a wonderful person and a great wife, then let this issue go away for good.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

Let it go...25 years ...congrats.....I see both sides....I'd be 'bothered" but I'd get past it...she knows how for feel...move on...
ZedZ is offline  
post #108 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,592
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

It's amazing to me that there are actually people who are OK with their spouses keeping secrets about sex with a member of there social circle. It's not the sex people, it's the fact that they both had a intimate secret about it and she hid from him her husband for 25 years. I wonder in the 25 years if her and her friend ever talked about it behind his back. I wonder if she would think that was a bid deal or he should get over that too. Let me ask some of our more cavalier posters on here, would it be OK if they every once and a while were they were to reminisce about it? If her friend brought it up to her? Would you be cool with that? Would you be so dismissive then?

Nah this isn't good. Not saying divorce or anything but this is not the same as some random hookup that you bump into at a party. Because she is dismissive of him it makes it seem like she doesn't get that fact. She seems to be saying "it's OK I had this intimate secret with one of our/my friends and you should not have a problem with it". Here is the thing, most people would have problems and questions about it, but if she takes the tact that he has no business being bother by this it will only get worse. Secrets like this fester in a marriage.

Not good at all.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-20-2017 at 12:45 AM.
sokillme is offline  
 
post #109 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 158
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

OP has bailed, it seems. I think he already said he was ok with it but just wanted validation that it bothered him and he didn't like that his wife was annoyed at that.

I still think there was not enough info. If you specifically ask if the other person was with anyone during your "break" and they said no, then that is huge. Basically a 25 year lie. And there must be a good reason why it was brought up, if he had know nothing. If she didn't think he should be bothered by it, why bring it to light?

Anyway, I don't think he's coming back. He's been told she "chose him" many times on here to make him feel better. It is also possible she was in a relationship with the other guy and got dumped, and OP was plan B.
manwithnoname is online now  
post #110 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Hello,

OP here (I did not “Bail”; this is third post in 3 days).

Your responses have been very helpful both in quality and variety. My wife and I sat down and read them all last night.

First off, I totally get why Kennedy Conspiracies exist or how some people think Elvis is still alive. This was a pretty simple question and the responses varied greatly!

The discussion of the OM came about because my wife and I are at a pivotal place in our live. Kids are in college and we recently sold house and are downsizing. It’s a good time, almost as if we are dating, not married for 25 years. My wife did not tell me to “get it off her chest”. It was more a result of a lot of mutual introspection.

I love my wife and believe her when she says it just snowballed. She did not tell me immediately when we got back together and every day it became harder to bring up. Eventually it became something in our past. I know she feels awful and embarrassed about both the ONS as well as the lack of telling me about it. I say this with complete confidence because after 25 years of marriage she has earned my trust. In the end the last couple of weeks have been much harder on her than me.

That said, I started this thread because it did bother me that she did not tell me. It still bothers me, but if this is the biggest problem I have in my life… then life is good. I will get over it.

Big picture, the disagreement over her omission is probably the best thing that could have happened. We are much closer as a result of our discussion AND the insightful responses we have here. I wish it had not happened, but since it did we are making the best of it. For all who responded, thank you.
NorthstarGene is offline  
post #111 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:54 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,939
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

So North, does she get it...does she understand now that if the tables were turned how she would see this and feel about it? I am glad you guys are willing to move on from this, have you spoken to this individual the fact you now know?
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #112 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:20 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,592
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
Hello,

OP here (I did not “Bail”; this is third post in 3 days).

Your responses have been very helpful both in quality and variety. My wife and I sat down and read them all last night.

First off, I totally get why Kennedy Conspiracies exist or how some people think Elvis is still alive. This was a pretty simple question and the responses varied greatly!

The discussion of the OM came about because my wife and I are at a pivotal place in our live. Kids are in college and we recently sold house and are downsizing. It’s a good time, almost as if we are dating, not married for 25 years. My wife did not tell me to “get it off her chest”. It was more a result of a lot of mutual introspection.

I love my wife and believe her when she says it just snowballed. She did not tell me immediately when we got back together and every day it became harder to bring up. Eventually it became something in our past. I know she feels awful and embarrassed about both the ONS as well as the lack of telling me about it. I say this with complete confidence because after 25 years of marriage she has earned my trust. In the end the last couple of weeks have been much harder on her than me.

That said, I started this thread because it did bother me that she did not tell me. It still bothers me, but if this is the biggest problem I have in my life… then life is good. I will get over it.

Big picture, the disagreement over her omission is probably the best thing that could have happened. We are much closer as a result of our discussion AND the insightful responses we have here. I wish it had not happened, but since it did we are making the best of it. For all who responded, thank you.
Well this sounds a lot better then your original post. At this point if she gets it then it's up to you to let it go.
sokillme is offline  
post #113 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:39 AM
Member
 
Nucking Futs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: In the attic sorting my toys.
Posts: 2,995
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nucking Futs View Post
They shared an intimacy that you were excluded from, that's one strike. Mutual "friends" were in on it. That's another strike. Here's the thing, though. The friends weren't laughing about it behind your back. They probably never even thought about it.

Your wife did a ****ty thing by hiding it from you, but once you've gotten through to her and she understands the problem you should let it go. Just make sure she understands that she should have no shared intimacies with another man that you know and socialize with that you are not part of.
Quoting my first reply on this thread for emphasis. She screwed up, she knows it, time to let it go and just enjoy each other.

Weightlifters Standard Evidence Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
Nucking Futs is offline  
post #114 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nucking Futs View Post
Quoting my first reply on this thread for emphasis. She screwed up, she knows it, time to let it go and just enjoy each other.
This is as insightful as anything posted. My thoughts exactly.

I spent 20 years telling my kids they can either be a victim or a student when problems occur. Without thinking I initially defaulted to victim. With all the forum's help and time spent with my wife I am going to be a student and learn from this and move on. Thank you.
NorthstarGene is offline  
post #115 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:06 AM
Member
 
Yeswecan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,422
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
This is as insightful as anything posted. My thoughts exactly.

I spent 20 years telling my kids they can either be a victim or a student when problems occur. Without thinking I initially defaulted to victim. With all the forum's help and time spent with my wife I am going to be a student and learn from this and move on. Thank you.
Yes, accept it but allow your W to understand how you feel about it. This will clear up any questions.

The other guy...needs to be gone.


“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
Yeswecan is offline  
post #116 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,946
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juice View Post
She's right. Let it go Gene.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk
Only if you ignore "these guys" who said let it go. Oh right we now live in the Age of Alternative-Facts, my bad, carry on.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
post #117 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:17 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,422
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

10 years of what could have been a steady dopamine fix for her, for all you know. And you were none the wiser.

From my perspective, both she and your "friend" were equally at fault and responsible. He definitely should have left you two alone when you got back together, but she should have told him to stay away as well. Neither happened. Thing is, you're choosing to remain with one of them for life, so I'd be very clear as to what standards you expect there to be in terms of transparency for the duration of your marriage.

All the best.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #118 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:20 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: NY
Posts: 167
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Only if you ignore "these guys" who said let it go. Oh right we now live in the Age of Alternative-Facts, my bad, carry on.
Sure... let's dwell on the past and try to change things that already happen.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk
Juice is offline  
post #119 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:22 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,220
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
10 years of what could have been a steady dopamine fix for her, for all you know. And you were none the wiser.

From my perspective, both she and your "friend" were equally at fault and responsible. He definitely should have left you two alone when you got back together, but she should have told him to stay away as well. Neither happened. Thing is, you're choosing to remain with one of them for life, so I'd be very clear as to what standards you expect there to be in terms of transparency for the duration of your marriage.

All the best.
Even if she had never said anything to OP she should have done this.

How is her empathy otherwise?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
post #120 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,946
Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juice View Post
Sure... let's dwell on the past and try to change things that already happen.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk
My post went way over your head, I'll drop it. I'll address something else you stated.

It isn't the higher road to ignore how you feel when hurt or angry about a lie. He didn't say he wanted to divorce or leave his wife. He doesn't want to jump on the investigative train to nowhere. He said his marriage was and is good. He asked if it is alright to feel this way and be bothered she doesn't get it. Yes, it is fine. Then he can let it go, as he did. As quite a few GUYS said, let it go, it isn't worth it.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife is choosing other man Clemson Coping with Infidelity 462 04-24-2017 07:00 PM
My wife hurt me really bad David17 General Relationship Discussion 70 02-20-2017 01:33 PM
My wife and her lesbian affair Raptor Considering Divorce or Separation 26 12-26-2016 10:03 AM
Married, both polyamorous, but I still love my ex girlfriend SketchScratcher Considering Divorce or Separation 7 09-04-2016 02:35 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome