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post #1 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Wife does not see this as bad

Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.

I had broken up with her and she was free to do what she wanted. She readily admits it was not the best decision in her life and I am ok with moving on. The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her.

What we disagree on and what really bugs me is…. She did not tell me when we got back together and we interacted with him for at least a decade. I drank beer and yucked it up with him 50 to 100 times over that decade at parties, gatherings, mutual friend’s weddings etc. He even attended our wedding. I am sure he told at least a few mutual friends. I may be wrong but I assume most of our circle of friends outside of me knew of the dalliance.

My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.

What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?

Thanks in advance.


Last edited by NorthstarGene; 03-17-2017 at 12:07 PM. Reason: Wording of question was wrong
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post #2 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Nah, I'm with you man. I do not want to interact with OM that have physical contact with my W. Just does not sit right. Other schumk knowing what you don't concerning your W. I don't think you are overreacting. Those kinds of "friends" should go away IMO.

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post #3 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

You will definitely get different opinions on this.

Mine is that she did nothing wrong in the ONS and she has the right to her privacy about it.

It's typical to think that every but you knew about it. The truth is probably a lot less dramatic. My bet is that few, if anyone else knew.

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post #4 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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Originally Posted by NorthstarGene View Post
Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.

I had broken up with her and she was free to do what she wanted. She readily admits it was not the best decision in her life and I am ok with moving on. The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her.

What we disagree on and what really bugs me is…. She did not tell me when we got back together and we interacted with him for at least a decade. I drank beer and yucked it up with him 50 to 100 times over that decade at parties, gatherings, mutual friend’s weddings etc. He even attended our wedding. I am sure he told at least a few mutual friends. I may be wrong but I assume most of our circle of friends outside of me knew of the dalliance.

My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.

What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this wrong?

Thanks in advance.
They shared an intimacy that you were excluded from, that's one strike. Mutual "friends" were in on it. That's another strike. Here's the thing, though. The friends weren't laughing about it behind your back. They probably never even thought about it.

Your wife did a ****ty thing by hiding it from you, but once you've gotten through to her and she understands the problem you should let it go. Just make sure she understands that she should have no shared intimacies with another man that you know and socialize with that you are not part of.


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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #5 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Of course she didn't tell you.

If she had, you might not have taken her back.

And she knew that.

I'd wouldn't be happy about it either. Hell, I'd probably find myself walking back through every memory I had of them socializing since then.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #6 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:14 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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They shared an intimacy that you were excluded from, that's one strike. Mutual "friends" were in on it. That's another strike. Here's the thing, though. The friends weren't laughing about it behind your back. They probably never even thought about it.
How do you know?

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post #7 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:15 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Was the guy married or engaged at the time?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

There was an episode King Of Queens with this exact story. Doug was not happy about either.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #9 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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How do you know?
I don't know, it's a presumption. That's why I used the word "probably".


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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #10 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:19 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

Jealousy. It's a *****. It takes a very confident self assured person to factor that out of the equation. In the final analysis it about you and not her or him.

It's about how you feel, how you cope, your insecurities and the worth of what you have. If what you have is good then this doesn't change much. If what you have
is borderline then this could fester into unrealistic proportions.

The pain this might cause you to feel is real. How you deal with pain is determined by the kind of man you are.

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post #11 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

My thoughts:
There is no issue with the ONS, you were broken up. I think that out of respect to you she should have let you know about it at some point. But I say that not because you had a right to know but rather because he was still part of your social circle.

If you guys had no contact ever and it was a ONS with a stranger than she has a right to her privacy, but as he was part of your social circle and would be interacting with you and her than I think you had a right to know.

Let's face it, if the shoe was on the other foot and your wife found out after 25 years of marriage that one of her close friends had slept with you before you got married and she was never made aware of it she would very likely be losing her mind on it. people tend to go back over their history and re-evaluate the interactions based on the new information. so now are you going to be going back over your memories and wondering about times they may have been alone or times they were interacting or even comments they made to each other wondering about inside jokes.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #12 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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My thoughts:
There is no issue with the ONS, you were broken up. I think that out of respect to you she should have let you know about it at some point. but I say that not because you had a right to know but rather because he was still part of your social circle.

If you guys had no contact ever and it was a ONS with a stranger than she has a right to her privacy, but as he was part of your social circle and would be interacting with you and her than I think you had a right to know.
I agree--my thoughts exactly. It's only problematic because this guy was someone you were friends with, and you unknowingly continued to socialize with him for 10 years after the fact.

I would not want someone my partner slept with to be part of our social circle, not even peripherally. I can be territorial. I would want to scratch her eyes out and rip out her hair every time I laid eyes on her. And it would also bother me that my partner would be ok having an ex-lover hanging around.

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post #13 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

I don't think that she was being very honest with you. If this guy was in your life afterwards I would have expected that she would have said something to you about it. I think that you have the right to be upset with her about it, it was not handled right at all. Ask her if she were in your shoes, would have have been upset you did that to her?

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post #14 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

OP,
I would tend to see him as the one degraded. She was with you, you broke up and she went with him, which lasted all of one time. He was a blip on her radar whereas you are the entire screen. It would seem to me that he would feel awkward around you as he was mostly insignificant. And, if indeed some of your friends knew/know about it they most likely thought of him as either insignificant or as a rebound from your breakup. You seem to feel as though he had/has something on you but in reality it is you that has the upper hand.

Peace and long life
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post #15 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:49 PM
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Re: Wife does not see this as bad

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What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?
If this man was still part of your social circle and you were unaware that he was a previous sexual partner for you wife this is indeed awkward. Even if she was exclusively monogamous with you ever since, she may have very well enjoyed this other man continuing to be slightly flirtatious with her and each reliving that moment vicariously through the memory of each other.

Not cool!

I think you may need to establish contact with one of your previous sexual partners. Do NOT share with your wife that she was your sexual partner, and advocate the she and your wife hang out together as girlfriends while you enjoy some playful banter between the three of you! Now I am not saying you should do that, but describe that situation to your wife and see how she would feel about that.

Now playing devil's advocate for your wife. Perhaps it was a mistake as she admitted it was not her best decision and the ONS was horrible. Perhaps it meant absolutely nothing to her afterwards and THAT is the reason she saw no consequence in the other man still being in the picture. Now that is not as bad, BUT she may have projected those feelings onto this other man and completely underestimated the fact that he was likely getting off on the memory of her, and the fact that he stuck around for so long afterwards is a strong indication that there was something there in it for him. Once again NOT COOL!

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