Re: He wants nothing to do with me anymore
After our son was born he always complained that he wasn't getting enough attention and didn't feel loved/wanted. I had no energy left... He never helped me. He wouldn't get up at night, wouldn't get up in the morning so I could sleep in, wouldn't change diapers, didn't want to hold the baby so I could shower, eat, nap, whatever. The odd time he did after 10 minutes he'd be complaining. Didn't want to go out with us, still doesn't. He never says "I love you" anymore, that went out the window long ago.
In hindsight maybe I should have put a better effort in, but I had no effort left to give... I had a baby who woke every 30-60 minutes, still he wakes every 2 hours.
I can orgasm if I take care of it myself with a toy, but even that takes a long time and I get frustrated. In theory, I probably could orgasm from foreplay but it would take a really long time. He has always hated that I cannot orgasm with him, he claims he has never had that problem before and it was the best part for him. We waited 18 months or so before having sex (of any kind). I think if we had gotten intimate earlier he wouldn't have stuck around. The sex isn't good so he doesn't want to do it, porn probably satisfies him more.
When we've fought he has said that he regrets being with me. He's only said it when we're fighting so I don't know for sure if it's only said because he is mad, or that's how he really feels. Breaking up would be difficult, because our lives are so intertwined and it's too expensive to live in this city alone. There is a large part of me that thinks he is only with me because of financial reasons.
I have never been to sex therapy. I don't know if there is a point. I don't have anything in my past that is affecting me. I did go see two specialists about penetration having zero pleasure. The only thing they found wrong is that I have a prolapsed uterus, but it's not bad enough to do anything about it. I tore really badly, 4th degree, but both agreed that shouldn't cause no sensation.
Right now I stay home with our son and I'm doing online courses through my university to finish my Bachelors. Financially, staying home is cheaper as daycare costs $2,000 a month here. I have no time to myself. I did enroll our son to start at a preschool in September, so I'll have 4 hours a week to myself.
Right before we had our son we moved to my BF's hometown, where I knew no one. I still don't know anyone. I don't have time to make new friends. I take my son to play groups but I've never been able to make friends from them.
I'll get those books and read them.
We don't really have bad eating habits. We never eat out, almost always cook from scratch. I ate perfectly during my pregnancy and exercised daily, yet still somehow managed to gain 65 pounds. I still weigh 25-30 pounds more than I did when we met, and it won't budge. Going from 110 to 135-140 pounds is a huge jump. He has always been with really skinny women and I'm not anymore. There are specific things that he's attracted to that I don't have. He's always been with women who spend 5 hours doing their makeup every day and have a great fashion sense, I don't do either of those. On a good day I'll wear some foundation and mascara, and I suck at just doing that. His ex's all had things in common with him, we literally have nothing in common. I feel like our relationship was a mistake.
I don't really trust him to be a good dad if we break up. He doesn't play a large role in our son's life. He doesn't like to spend time with him. He doesn't know half of what I know about him. He can't understand a lot of what our son says. He never takes him out to museums, the park, swimming, etc. He ignores our son a lot.
I tested the waters a while ago and he basically said that he thinks a father should have the kid on the weekend and mother during the week. And if I had to move for a job, he wouldn't necessarily be against it because "you can facetime". I'm scared to take the risk of him fighting for 50/50, it's almost always awarded here, and have my son suffer. I'd rather suffer than my son... That's part of what keeps me in this relationship.
I don't want to marry him... not when he's acting like this. That's why I don't even care that we aren't married, or engaged.
I don't have any family. I was raised by my grandparents and they have both passed away. The rest of the family wasn't close or lives on the other side of the country. My BF's parents are nearby and they help sometimes. They both work during the day and are renovating a house on the weekend so when they can help is really limited. When I need my BF to help me he almost always says "why don't we call my mom to come pick him up" rather than look after our son himself. I'm almost 100% sure if we broke up his parents would be looking after our son, not him. And I'm not giving up time with my son for that...