Husband and money - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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Husband and money

My husband makes good money, supports our family and is basically a pretty good guy for the most part. He also spends a lot of time on the road and oftentimes stays in an apartment where he works. He's home little and we try to make it work.

Our biggest problem lately is his jealousy over the money I spend. I help pay the bills and put some money aside for savings. After that, I might spend a little bit on myself..yet not much. I believe in being debt free, so I don't use charge cards. If I want something, I use what I've saved.

He hates the amount I spend on my hair; but he can spend $500 on another gun to add to his gun collection. I don't complain as he works hard and deserves it.

I work also and don't spend much. However, what I DO buy, he seems to have a problem with.

Let's begin with the baker's rack I spent a mere $35 on. He blew a gasket. Why, I really don't know but he just can't seem to let it go.

Then there was the time I had car problems and had to have my car towed to the garage. The new battery I'd bought was dead in addition to alternator problems. Had them both fixed with my own funds and he blew another gasket over the fact that I had to buy a new battery. He didn't think I needed one and was all over it. Several months later the same thing happened to him where his alternator went out and he had to purchase a new battery also. That argument was finally laid to rest, thank goodness.

Recently our garage door took a dump when I was opening it. Blew a spring and one of the wheels flew off the track. I just felt lucky just to have the door down and called a professional for advice. Note that he had nothing to do with a sale or anything and told me that it was probably better to replace both the door and the opener as they were both over 25 years old. Once the door was replaced, the opener would probably go out shortly after that.

I should have just shut up and had them both replaced without saying a word to my husband; since I planned to pay for the door/opener out of my own pocket anyway. Stupid me told him my plans to replace both and my husband blew a gasket saying, "I told you to just replace the garage door..why the opener too???" Explained the situation to him, he said, "Whatever.." and hung up on me. Haven't talked to him since.

I'm tired of trying to do the right thing all the time when he's on the road. Oftentimes I've asked him what I should do about certain house issues and all he says is, "I have no idea.."

With our two jobs, we could make it work. However, he'd rather have his toys and spend the rest on his two children. Last month alone, his daughter decided to watch over 30 movies on Google at the cost of $3.45 per movie. $103.50 later my husband said he was going to cut her off.

Yeah right.

Being a constant over spender when it comes to his kids; the week we got married, he asked to borrow $4000 from my dad: 1) to pay off my ring; and 2) to spoil his kids we had for another two weeks. In addition, he also borrowed $3000 from his parents, which he paid back as soon as he got back to work and got paid. My dad is still waiting for his pay back and I've been nothing but nice about kindly asking my husband to pay back what he owes. His reply is always, "We'll get there.." but my dad isn't getting any younger.

I avoid arguments at all costs, and have asked nicely without being a nag. My husband has it but keeps putting my dad's loan to him on the back burner, to the point that my dad has finally said, "Forget it, I'll never see it.." and has little respect for my husband.

I'm getting to the point of being done. I love my husband but when he has little respect for me and the little things I spend on myself; can go out and spend $500 on a gun; and has no respect for the amount of money he owes my family..I'm not so sure I can do this anymore.

I'd love to save my marriage, but if it's going to cost my feeling guilty over every dime I spend along with his disrespect for the money he owes my family..I think I'd rather be single.

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: Husband and money

He has children from a previous marriage, is that right?
Also, you have no children with him?

If this is correct, divorce him. It isn't going to get better.

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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:42 PM
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Re: Husband and money

Tell your husband if he doesn't pay your father back you are going to sell your ring to pay him back. Then do it.

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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:18 PM
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Re: Husband and money

Start keeping an excel spreadsheet of the things you spend on and the things he spends on for comparison purposes. If they relate to the wear and tear of the house or for household items, that is not spending on yourself per se, so seperate these out in another column. When he is calmer and after some time or recording, show him what it is you spend on.
It sounds like he may be having problems with his income, if he is supporting another family (as someone suggested here) he might be feeling the financial strain and taking it out on you.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:24 PM
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Re: Husband and money

How long have you been married to your husband?

I doubt that you can do much to change your husband. Maybe, if he knows you are going to divorce him, it might get him to take notice and start showing your some respect. But beyond that there is not much you can do.

Did your husband sign anything when he borrowed that money from your dad?
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 02:28 AM
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Re: Husband and money

I am like your husband and collect expensive guns and knives plus a few other expensive things. Until I started collecting things, I made money for my wife. Being the best in my profession was my goal more than the money. When I reached the top, the money rolled in more than I ever thought was possible in my life. My wife comes from a toxic and very poor family and I wanted her to have a great life. I also come from a poor and uneducated parents, but they were nice people. However I swore that when I grew up I would never be poor again. At the age of 21 I bought my wife a brand new brick home even though I wanted a condo. Since then I have bought her 8 more houses and she got to pick them, and decorate them. She would go cheap if I let her. I worked hard for my money and if I was single I would not have worked so hard. I could be happy living in a cabin in the woods with enough money so that I never had to worry about day to day bills. Most of what I did was for my wife.

My wife is thrifty though and the only expensive things she has, I bought for her. Other than that she shops at Target and Walmart. My clients were Victoria's Secrets, Lane Bryant and a lot of others that are well known, so I had to wear custom made suits and shirts, wear expensive watches and drive expensive cars. My wife often accompanied me to business and social events, as well as my private clubs where I entertained clients or prospects. She could not show up wearing a K-mart dress and shoes, so I was her stylist. I taught her about fashion and still she did not want to spend the money. I finally convinced her because the other wives would be wearing expensive stuff and they know clothes and accessories. Did not want her to feel out of place and for what I charged we had to look successful.

She never uses her crazy expensive designer bags or wears her expensive watches or jewelry. She buys her clothes on sale from discount stores and will occasionally treat herself to a quality vacuum cleaner or toaster. It is funny that she still sneaks things she bought into the house because she feels guilty for buying them. She can buy whatever she wants and I will not care. I want her to be happy, but she is happy with her middle class friends and so am I. I like them better.

Did you know your husband was like this before you married? Money issues are right up there with cheating as major reasons why marriages break up. Unfortunately it is very difficult to get adults to change their feelings about money. Your husband sounds very selfish. It is one thing to be cheap but quite another for him to spend on himself and not on you. Tells you all you want to know about how much he values you.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-18-2017 at 10:01 PM.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:38 AM
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Re: Husband and money

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Originally Posted by IamSomebody View Post
Tell your husband if he doesn't pay your father back you are going to sell your ring to pay him back. Then do it.

IamSomebody
She will only get half price ar best. Diamonds are 1000% mark up. When my mom died i took her rings to be apraised and they said wow very nice stone its worth 3000 but i,ll only give you 1200 .
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Husband and money

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and together for 21. When we moved in together so did our accounts. We talk when it comes to big purchases and there is no problem spending on items when it is an emergency without permission or little things. I spend a lot of money on my hair, skin, and makeup. You only have one body and can't trade it in. He likes golf. Every time I get my hair done he calls it a mortgage payment but that is okay. I don't spend much money on clothes or knik knacks. I don't work anymore and haven't for the past 3 years but nothing has changed. You are in marriage that should be 100% giving on both parts or you compromise and talk about it. Was there anything that makes him feel this way from his previous marriage/relationship? Maybe from his past somewhere along the line? I have 4 older brothers and they are very cheap. They have money but don't spend it. Their houses still look like the 70's. None of them are married any more and therefore, what are they saving their money for? We spend and save, don't spoil our 3 kids but they lack for nothing.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: Husband and money

I would pawn enough of his guns and knives to get enough money to pay your dad back.Then I would give him the pawn tickets along with divorce papers.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: Husband and money

I have financial issues in my marriage also. I also believe that my husband has become the ultimate cheapskate.

Perhaps, since he is away alot and not at home to help take care of the big things that need taken care of, he is feeling inadequate? Perhaps he doesn't like the way you are taking care of things around the house?

As long as you are working also and bringing money in to help pay the bills and make ends meet, and as long as there is foods on the table, IMO you have every right to spend money on your hair and nails. If he is spending money on guns and what-not, for himself, then you can spend money on yourself how you see fit. The next time he has a hissy fit over spending money on something not for him, I would tell him that. That's what I told my husband one time in particular, when the car battery went dead, and I had to call my husband for a jump. It was a cold November night and I had my son with me who was about 15 at the time. So we (me and my son, my husband had to go somewhere else) drove down the local auto parts store (chain store) and they tested the battery and I definitely needed one. So I bought one and took it to my mom's house (she has a garage, we don't) where my step-dad and son proceeded to change the battery for me. Took them about 15-20 minutes. I called my husband to tell him what was going on and he said "Well....that's not how I would of handled this, but....it's already done." so I proceeded to tell him that they way he handles things is different than the way I handle things.....agreed. But, since I need a car and I can't wait five days for you to procrastinate about what to do, and then take another five days to find the best price for a battery, and then take another five days to actually get the battery in the vehicle, this is the way I took care of the situation. His issue was more than likely over the cost of the battery and actually having to spend money on one. You have to understand my husband, he is the BIGGEST procrastinator! And I learned that if I want something done I either have to do it myself, take care of it myself, or hire someone to get it done.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:55 AM
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Re: Husband and money

Why are you borrowing money from your parents when you have extra cash to spend on getting your hair done and buying expensive guns?You both sound like maybe you need someone to help you deal with your finances as you seem to be handling this aspect of your life immaturely. You don't borrow money for such frivolous things. You do realize that all debt incurred in the marriage is 50% your responsibility. My sister's was destroyed by her husband mismanagement of money while they were married. It took her 10 years to dig her way out of the mess he left her.

You need to pay your dad back asap even if it means selling something. If your husband is immature with the finances and can't seem to manage them well then unless you take them over and do a better jobs I do not see your financial future, or married future get any better. Money problem will separate a couple as fast as an affair, especially if both couples are not on the same page.

I could not respect my husband if he took money from my parents for such a non nessesary item and if we did need the money for something important and it could not be helped, i would expect paying it back asap would be my husbands top priority.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:35 AM
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Cool Re: Husband and money

For as long as you both work and earn your own money, just who in the hell is he to tell you what you can and cannot do with the money that you bring to the table? I'd be far more concerned about his financial agenda and actions than by yours!

Tell him to go take a long stroll on a short pier!

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My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Husband and money

Quote:
Originally Posted by IamSomebody View Post
Tell your husband if he doesn't pay your father back you are going to sell your ring to pay him back. Then do it.

IamSomebody
She shouldn't have to sell her ring. I like the other poster's suggestion of pawning the expensive gun collection to pay back dad, and filing for divorce.

It sounds like the OP's husband 1) isn't good with money, and 2) has some serious control issues. I like the idea of documenting all her expenditures vs. his (known) expenditures, so she has irrefutable proof of how it all measures up. If he still refuses to lighten up, I'd be serving him divorce papers (after pawning the guns to pay back dad).

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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