Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Re: Traumatic Childhoods
My wife's parents were both violent alcoholics. They put each other and all of their children in the hospital more than once. This was pre domestic violence laws. My wife's older brothers tried to kill their father but he ended up beating one son unconscious and ran a broken pool stick through the other. My wife often took her younger brother to live with her best girlfriend because her father was a cop. My wife cooked, cleaned and raised her little sister. She made most of her own clothes because her dad was disabled and had no income other than what he could get from odd jobs. She was not allowed to dress in style, wear makeup or cut her hair or shave her legs. I met her when she was 19 and we were engaged in 3 weeks and married within 9 months. Her dad loved me though. I am a very alpha male, H.S. Football all star and fresh from a year of combat in Vietnam. Plus I was bigger and stronger than he was and no stranger to violence.
The effects. One of my wife's brothers died of a drug overdose. He was a junkie until his death at 30. Her brother was arrested and died shortly after from cancer at 40. My wife's younger brother is an alcoholic who married another alcoholic and lives in a cabin where he parks his truck to do odd delivery jobs. My wife's younger sister lived with her boyfriend's parents and then married their son. Within a year she was cheating with her husband's best friend and divorced to marry him. She is over 350 lbs.
As for my wife, she has very low self esteem. She blames everyone else for her mistakes. She is very afraid to take blame because she used to be beaten if she made her dad angry. I see fear in her eyes if I say I do not like a meal even when it has nothing to do with her cooking but rather the food itself. She is like a puppy dog in her eagerness to please me from growing up having to please her dad. She was a virgin until she was 20 because no boy dared to date her for long or risk angering her dad who was the neighborhood bully. Plus she looked plain and was 79 lbs., 4' 11".
I do not know why I fell instantly in love with her but I did and proposed to her after 3 weeks of dating. I just needed to get her away from her toxic family. The first time my parents met hers, they both got drunk and my wife's mom hit one of their friends over the head with a liquor bottle and opened a gash in his head. My parents are mild mannered even though my dad carried a gun as a Federal Agent.
I have spent all of our 44 years of marriage trying to build my wife's self esteem and confidence. She is very submissive and a people pleaser. Some people take advantage of that so I have to point it out to her at times. She is also bi sexual but did not realize it until after we were married for 7 years. She did not date much in school and I was her first sexual partner. She loves sex with me but no other men. We tested that. She feel in love with her best friend who provided her shelter during their younger years. Good thing her best friend was bi too. Small world but her friend's father was a cold person showing no emotion. Perhaps that way due to his job as a cop. Both women did not have good male role models in their life and eventually sought the emotional contact they need from women. I tend to be logical and not very emotional. Sure I cry when my dogs die but that is about it. Although in my older years I get more emotional. That is probably due to a drop in Testosterone though.
Her girlfriend moved into our home and we gave her one of the spare bedrooms. Her girlfriend was a perfect fit for us. She provided my wife with what only one woman can give to another both emotionally and sexually. She provided me with the intellectual companionship that my wife could not. Our girlfriend held two Master's degrees and three bachelors. We were together for about 30 years and would still be together had not fate intervened. My ladies were constant companions. We gave my girlfriend what she never got at home, demonstration of love. I do not know if it because her parents are from Norway or were just cold people who never showed love for each other or their children. Their kids are messed up too. I am Italian so I show love all the time. Sometimes when I told our girlfriend that I loved her, she would cry because she was not used to hearing that or having someone physically show it.
So we all found each other and lived a great life. My wife has improved but she still will run to the store if I mention I am out of something and refuses to let me go and buy it. If I try to do more around the house, she complains that I am trying to steal her job. Tonight I saw that after cooking she left dirty things by the stove which is unlike her since she is compulsively neat. I mentioned it and that I would clean up and right away she said it was my fault because I had turned out the kitchen light a hour after she left the kitchen. She even lied to me saying that she told me not to turn off the light when she actually did. I let it go as that is how she is. She is still afraid to take the blame for anything even though she knows it does not matter. I never yell at her. Her other carryover from her childhood is that everything that goes wrong has to be someone's fault, mostly me. If I say I did not do it, she then gets upset and takes it to mean that I am accusing her of doing it rather than just saying I did not do it. She cannot accept the blame for anything. I suspect that she may have been sexually abused too because she alludes to it at times but will not say. So to all you folks out there in bad marriages and think it is a good idea to stay together for the sake of the kids, think again. If you too are unhappy they will know it and use what they learn from you as their role model. For those who have problems that affect your kids, get help because you are scaring them for life.
Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.