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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 05:47 PM
NoChoice's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 1,487
Re: Is this marriage salvageable? Need advice.

Originally Posted by katykriger View Post
We do handle conflict very poorly and immaturely, there is no doubt. Looking back, I never saw my parents fight or yell at each other. Not one time. I obviously have no clue how to handle conflict in a loving, appropriate manner and I think I dragged my husband down with me. Every argument felt like a personal attack to me, when that probably was not the case at all. I reacted with mean words and he started doing the same. Seven years later and you can imagine our arguments are not pretty.

I think his personality type does not mesh well with mine, but we knew that going into the marriage. We thought we could make it work because we really loved each other despite our differences. I really don't want to end our marriage at this point if there is any hope of saving it. Several of the comments here give me hope that we can change the way we handle conflict, starting with myself. I've spoken with him and he is all for doing whatever it takes to fix things in our relationship. He even said he would read through the Love Busters book with me. Thank goodness that he is so willing to try to make things work. I agree my "picker" was broken, but I think in this case perhaps it can end happily if we can get over the immature arguing and personal attacks.

My husband is amazing in so many other areas. For example, he is super helpful with the kids. Never hesitates to change diapers, feed them or take them to the store just so I can get a break. I can't remember the last time I had to fill up my car with gas or take out the trash. If he sees that I'm overwhelmed, he will offer to cook dinner and almost always puts the older kiddos to bed to help me out. He is very considerate and kind in many areas. It's just the social/communication aspect where we have such difficulty. He is brutally honest and many things NoChoice said remind me exactly of my husband. He does get labeled mean because he is blunt and does not "sugarcoat" anything. He has little patience for stupidity both at home and at work.
You have a good starting point in that you both want the marriage to succeed. It is possible to learn to recognize when a discussion is heading towards argument and to preempt it. If you are both committed then it is possible. When people perceive others as "mean" it is usually because they are used to being coddled and the truth is something they are ill prepared to deal with.

Perhaps learn to accept and even appreciate your H's honesty. Do, however, remind him that personal insults are neither helpful nor productive and that you will not engage him unless he presents with reason and respect. Good fortune.

Peace and long life
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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:37 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 523
Re: Is this marriage salvageable? Need advice.

As another poster said, ask your husband for 10 minutes of alone time. Tell him simply, "WE need to reset. WE both need to talk civilly to each other. I know I have said things that hurt you, you have said things that hurt me. PLEASE, can we both work together to make our lives better together?"

Establish some ground rules, for a while, it was easier for my wife & I to write notes to each other. Less chance of emotions to go nuclear.
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