Thank you. This gives me hope. I am reading Love Busters right now. While my husband can be very hurtful and mean, I think that sometimes he doesn't realize how cruel he is being. His personality is very rough around the edges. He says things before thinking how it might hurt the other person.
Fortunately, he does care about our marriage and he wants us to work. He is still very attracted to me so we don't have issues there and he still loves me. Today he asked me to be more affectionate with him and I want to. It's been hard because I am always hurt by something he said and it makes it's difficult for me to open up in the marriage bed though we still do things about once a week. I know it could be a lot better. Lately, I have to drink just so I can be relaxed during intimacy. I want it to be good for him and not let my offended self get in the way. I feel like if we can get over this personality clash, we could have a happy marriage someday. I was worried that I was overreacting about the **** language, and it sounds like I was. Thank you everyone for your comments so far.
Well I don't know that you were over-reacting. I think it depends on how he said it. Calling someone a **** is pretty serious to many. On the other hand, one of my nicknames at home is ****-runt, and I know it's wrong, but I kind of like it 'cause it rhymes. And it's said with affection. Only inside the house...
When I first read love busters it was very hard because my husband was doing ALL of them to me, except angry outbursts, but while he never yelled at me, he was consistently angry/irritated by everything. I do some love busters too, but not every one in the book, LOL! So at first it actually made me think my marriage was hopeless. I know my husband's not a mean spirited person, but, well, they wrote a book about him! LOL.
I got him to very reluctantly listen to some of the book on audio. And I tried not to be to accusatory.
I think the disrespectful judgments were the hardest for me because they were so relentless, but like you said, he wasn't trying to be mean. And he could hide behind "I'm only joking, lighten up." I felt like I was suddenly asking him to not be who he is after years of acting like I liked that crap.
Anyhow, I think that when he listened to Love Busters he may have seen himself through someone else's eyes for the first time. It has been well over a year and we still struggle, but between that and also the book His Needs Her Needs, I learned so much that has helped us. People will say "Just don't accept that behavior" and I'd be like - what do they mean? The only options I knew were to accept it, blow up and scream at him, or what? Leave? But now I'm able to calmly state my case and if it makes him feel bad to be informed that I don't like being insulted, or don't want to do exactly what he wants, I just let him feel bad. Lord knows I've survived feeling bad for years. He'll make it through. And he really is taking me and my needs seriously for the first time.