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post #16 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 05:46 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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If she doesn't agree that he needs to be away from you both when you visit, then that is a big problem.
My take on it is that she does not want to have to tell her family personal info about her having had sex with this guy and to tell her family to not allow this guy around when she is there, she would have to do this.

If the OP is upset that his wife has had sex with the guy, telling the family (aka telling the world) about her having sex with the guy will not be protecting her husband. Now the world knows what he thinks is humiliating to him. Why would he want that exposed to her family and friends back home?

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post #17 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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I am not sure. He has been her brothers best friend for a long time and lives with another close family member. I even ate dinner at his house once, but he wasn't there. I just keep imagining how I would react if I came face to face with him. Probably angry, because it's what I feel very intensely.
This anger is what you need to learn to overcome. There is no need to be angry at this man. He did not do anything to you, not deliberately, not accidentally, not in malice nor in carelessness. His friendship with your wife' s brother survived his dalliance with her, that is all.

If you bought a second-hand book, or a previously owned car, would you be unreasonably angry at the person who had it before you? Are you angry with your wife's best female friend for being emotionally close to her before you met her?

I don't think you are angry at this man. I think you are angry with your wife for having a sexual past, but you are deflecting it to another 'safer' target.

I would seek counselling if you don't think you can overcome this issue on your own, before it hurts your marriage irreparably, because you are extremely unlikely to find a woman without a sexual past.
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post #18 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:32 AM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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My take on it is that she does not want to have to tell her family personal info about her having had sex with this guy and to tell her family to not allow this guy around when she is there, she would have to do this.

If the OP is upset that his wife has had sex with the guy, telling the family (aka telling the world) about her having sex with the guy will not be protecting her husband. Now the world knows what he thinks is humiliating to him. Why would he want that exposed to her family and friends back home?
I'm going to refuse to play to what I perceive to be his unhealthy emotional state.

I believe it would be a healthy response to keep this guy away from himself and his wife.

Being a grown up means owning your behavior and paying what you owe.

If she doesn't like the thought of her family knowing, she shouldn't have had sex with the guy in the first place.

She needs to grow up in this area and consider her marriage over her reputation with her family.

The husband needs to grow up and get help to control his emotions as well as make good decisions.

Not wanting to be buddies or eat dinner with your spouse's former lover is well within healthy limits and boundaries and I believe most people would understand it.
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post #19 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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Thanks everyone for responding. I have no contact with my ex although she does live in the same city as us. We don't run into my exes socially, and this whole problem is a hypothetical one - because a guy she slept with is so close to her family, I'm bound to run into him sooner or later. Not that I'm afraid to face that person, but I told her there's a good chance I'm going to make it known how I feel about him. She said she won't tell her friends and family not to talk to him. This angers me, as all I can think about is them having sex, and him having a relationship with all her family members, and me being stuck there having to have a meal with him. I told her I wouldn't allow that to happen, even if I have to make a scene.

Honestly, I think my heart truly says I idealized my wife and then was let down terribly when I found out the truth about her past. We just got married less than a year ago in front of family, and everything. Her parents even came from another country to attend. Honestly, I think in some ways I wish I never did this - it's hard for me to live with. I guess it's embarrassing for us both to want a divorce so soon, but maybe it's in our best interest. She wants to work it out, but doesn't want me to live unhappy. Then other times I feel like I'd be throwing away something good I won't find again.
And so what then? You divorce your wife and get yourself another girl.

One with no sexual past? Good luck with that!
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post #20 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:20 AM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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I'm going to refuse to play to what I perceive to be his unhealthy emotional state.

I believe it would be a healthy response to keep this guy away from himself and his wife.

Being a grown up means owning your behavior and paying what you owe.

If she doesn't like the thought of her family knowing, she shouldn't have had sex with the guy in the first place.

She needs to grow up in this area and consider her marriage over her reputation with her family.

The husband needs to grow up and get help to control his emotions as well as make good decisions.

Not wanting to be buddies or eat dinner with your spouse's former lover is well within healthy limits and boundaries and I believe most people would understand it.
Sex is a private matter, and I really can't see that it is the family's business. Besides, even if they did know that she had sex with them, why should they have to basically ostracize someone who is close to them just because her husband can't manage his own jealousy?

OP, no one is asking you to be buddies with him. And this hostility you are showing towards this guy shows that you feel somehow lesser than him. That insecurity is all on you -- not your wife, not her family, and not on this other guy.
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post #21 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:30 AM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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And so what then? You divorce your wife and get yourself another girl.

One with no sexual past? Good luck with that!
Naa. Just one who doesn't lie about who she's screwed and doesn't keep them hanging round like a bad smell would be perfectly acceptable. Extra good luck with that.
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post #22 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

Meh. My husband keeps most of his exes in his life in some way, whether on facebook or running into them at various events. I would have to be awfully controlling to want them removed entirely, especially for those who live in different countries.

Besides, he is free to go back to them at any point that he should decide that he was better off with them than with me.

As for "honesty", perhaps if OP was going to get all squirrely about his wife's past lovers, perhaps he should've inquired about her sexual history *before* he got married. Or made it clear that it was imperative she give all details of her sexual past at every possible opening.
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post #23 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

This is a conversation that should have happened WAY before getting married. You two didnt truly know each other, yet married anyway. Neither should have contact with exes, and grow up and let it go.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #24 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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Naa. Just one who doesn't lie about who she's screwed and doesn't keep them hanging round like a bad smell would be perfectly acceptable. Extra good luck with that.
She did not lie about who she had sex with. She told her husband.

She is not keeping the guy around. He's a friend of her brother's and close to her family. And they all live in another country.
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post #25 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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This is a conversation that should have happened WAY before getting married.
Sounds like he tried. Sounds like she lied.

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She did not lie about who she had sex with. She told her husband.
Yeah. HUSBAND. Lied while he was her BF and fiance though, didn't she.

Read his post.

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post #26 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

This is the second thread with this weird minimization of feelings going on. He has become excessively jealous after finding his wife's Facebook friend, the one whose house they ate at, who is good friends with the family and who she is still in contact with is a former sex partner.

Yes, he needs help dealing with his excessive confrontational emotions and silly divorce thinking, but trying to minimize his normal reaction is weird.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 03-20-2017 at 02:01 PM.
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post #27 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
If she doesn't agree that he needs to be away from you both when you visit, then that is a big problem.
I'd say this is a real problem. If this makes her husband feel so uncomfortable, then why does she insist on doing nothing to stop them from meeting? It's almost like it's not important to her and expects her husband to just deal with it.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #28 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

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Sex is a private matter, and I really can't see that it is the family's business. Besides, even if they did know that she had sex with them, why should they have to basically ostracize someone who is close to them just because her husband can't manage his own jealousy?

OP, no one is asking you to be buddies with him. And this hostility you are showing towards this guy shows that you feel somehow lesser than him. That insecurity is all on you -- not your wife, not her family, and not on this other guy.
Many people have no desire or inclination to eat dinner or otherwise socially engage with exes.

I know a little bit about sex being private. LOL!

She caused a major problem by having hooked up with a close family friend that she expects her husband to basically be friends with.

You might truly enjoy the company of women your husband has had sex with but many spouses don't share your view and they are healthy with their boundaries.

I believe the OP has emotional issues that need dealt with but becoming buddies with a former lover of his wife is not one of them.

She is creating an almost certain destruction of her marriage by not getting her old boyfriend out of the picture when they visit her family.
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post #29 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:55 PM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

Here's the thing I agree her sex life is private. It is one those, to me, which should be left at I had "x" amount of partners. He says they dealt with both of their reactions to their mutual jealousy. What he can't deal with, which is understandable to me, is a former lover still interacting with the family and his wife. A former lover who was JUST A FRIEND, until it turned out he was more. It's funny, why does sex have to be involved in the separation of family from this guy? It is funny to me because a simple, "look we dated and I am now married, I'd really like some family distance from this guy" would leave the husband and her sex out of the equation.
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post #30 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:49 AM
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Re: retroactive jealousy/family friend

Previously owned car, eh? What, from a dealer sold as 20,000 genuine miles, 2 careful owners. But you find out later it's actually ex-rental. The dealer forged the documents and wound the clock back from 40,00 miles. To rub salt into the wound, you know someone who's red-lined your car for a day.

To make it worse, you confront the dealer and he accuses you of having buyers remorse (retro-active jealousy) because somebody else has driven the car before you and insists he has every right to be deceptive. After all, there is so much more to the car than its mileage/number of owners and he just wanted to get the best price for it. Didn't want to "loose" the deal.

ConanHub is right. OP's wife doesn't own her sh!t. She was out for the best deal she could get just long enough for the contract to be signed. Now it's HIS problem and he's bullied into accepting it to SAVE HER any distress should her family find out.
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