I'm trying to gather all the strengh over a marriage thats seems breaking over time
Gosh..there's so much to tell but i think im gonna hold it on for a little while as im getting tired of floating and posting from one forum to the other and at the end getting bashed by some of the forumer who are basically are judgemantal with little knowledge of who i am and what i been through.
Anyway, i find that i'm all heartbroken and all as i'm getting lied more and more (he's not cheating or anything) to justify his action. I felt like a fool and i was at first till i'm finding the truth all to myself. I tried to put up with it but i dunno how much longer. I get it, marriage is hard and there's always problems but each time we tried to talk bout it he will always finger pointing at me taking no blame and as if im the bad guy, being overly sensitive or "its not my problem but yours" or "i can be your husband but not your counselor". It gets nasty too as we would raised our voices but not as bad as things flying off the roof out of the house. So at the end i see its pointless of even tried to talk bout any issue as it never gets solved. I tried to suggest counseling but he brushed it off as he doesnt need it as i'm the one whose having problems. This is my first while 2nd for him with a teenager kid from previous. His ex wife have always enjoyed the benefit of getting lots and lots of child support besides all the other kid's needs are being met. I had no complaint as i understand as it is his responsibility and we were doing ok back then. But now, things are different. I'm in school and with what we have we made do. But the ex came back asking for more while the kid visit even more often. Our basic monthly expenses been cut 30% so the ex could enjoy her newfound gains (though she's making a good comfortable income and bf who keeps come and go one after another). It doesnt help that each time the kid's over in my house johnny will do as johnny please and if i said nicely he will definitely threw a tantrum at me with door slammed right to my face and if i brought it to his father i will get blamed justifying his behavior is normal as he's just a kid. For the fear of god, husband is scared to even trying to do some discipline or parenting as his son will run straight to mom's house refusing to spend another night at dad's. At the end of it all it makes me realized that its sure doesnt feel like i'm a wife, its more like im an outsider being shoved aside like a piece of dust watching this family soaking their happy family time.
Gosh i tried, god knows i tried my hardest all these years to bond with his kid, be his friend and did all i can (which is alot but im not gonna list it all here as im tired) but at the end of the day his actions speaks louder as i never felt welcomed to be around and words and actions clearly says it all. So i gave up. I tried to understand this man that i called "husband" and all the things he said. For a moment i thought probably i was the one who is overly sensitive, selfish etc etc. But these feelings keeps coming and piling up..the resentment, disappointment, frustration, anger,sadness, confused. yeah i get it. Marriage wouldnt work if the other party never sees eye to eye or even putting all the blames to the other.
Yeah...why not divorce right...exactly thats what i really want. Yes definitely one day once i can strike on my own. Right now i have to finish my school hopefully becoming a great lawyer. I cant rely on anyone else as i have no family here. All my friends have families of their own seems to move on. If i leave now, i will leave everything i worked for in school and going back home with nothing and having to start all over again.
yes...my husband hurt me so bad..there are days tears coming down while most days im walking around with a surreal pain aching and pounding deep in my heart..but i seems to be holding on with words of encouragements from family and new friends i made which helps me to forget my problems for a moment. I know i'm a human who deserves to be respected just like the next person whose feelings and emotions are just valid. I have gone through a roller coaster life that made me a strong woman with full of grit. I can do this even there are times words i read on books seems confusing with problems clouding over me...
Thanks for taking time to hear my voices within but please be nice to me even you dont know who i am as im here to find words of encouragement not being judged.