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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
We are pretty damn young so I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But I get what your saying all the same.
Just curious how old are you guys?

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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Just curious how old are you guys?
I'm 26, he's 28. Been together since we were teenagers. Had my first child when I was still a teen. So we had to grow up hard and quick. That being said he stood by me through it all. 10 years later we are still together and married going on 5 years.

Never really got to have normal teen years yah know?
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
I agree. There is definitely a power struggle here and lord knows I could do with some respit from the madness.

Maybe for the short run it would be worth it, give him no reason to get snotty and when he does shut him down quick.

But long term no way, he's either in it with me 100% or 0% .
There is a problem with the suggestion that you do 100%. You have 2 children, one with AD/HD and are 7 months pregnant. You will have a new born soon. It's completely unreasonable that you do 100%. You probably cannot do 100% and keep your sanity.

What's the point of having a partner if you do 100%????

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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:52 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post

Never really got to have normal teen years yah know?
Yeah I know. I have a different issue here, but I totally get ti when you say you never had your teen years. What do you miss the most about growing up so fast?
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Oh I shall. I'm too old for this childish crap anymore.
While it may feel vindicating, using negativity doesn't solve problems.


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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
Have you tried NOT asking him to do anything? I mean, what's the point if all he's going to do is turn the tables and snap on your for doing so. You can't control his response, but you can control instigating his response. Don't give him an opportunity to turn that ONE diaper he changed into EVERY diaper. My suggestion isn't a long term fix, no, but it will give you a bit more power. There's a power struggle going on here and sometimes, it's better to just do everything yourself. Then you won't have anyone dumping on your for this/that. I guess I don't see the point in putting myself in a position to get snapped at in the first place. Maybe this will give you some peace while you collect your thoughts and figure out what you want to do next? Either way, it might be worth a try. A change in dynamic is needed here.
The hardest lesson one can learn in a relationship is that conflict has to exist. We (humans) react to the relational dynamics. It is very easy for the common person to adapt to the new structure. What I mean is that anything he does outside of diapers will still elicit the "omg, I do everything" response. Instead of pulling away, OP has to push forward some. His negativity exists because it is being validated and taken. He is sending a signal to her and it is working. Generally speaking, it is likely that a renegotiation of the marital (relational) contract is warranted. Change what can be changed. Cope with what has to be coped with. The individual also has the choice to stay or go based on the new terms.


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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:27 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

I’ve been thinking about this and have another idea for you to try.

You are right that there is a power struggle in your marriage. That struggle cannot exist unless both of you play it. One way to end the struggle is for one of you to just stop it.

You are doing what so many people do (yes I’ve done it too). When your husband tells you that he’s tired, or that he is so put upon or whatever, you argue back. You try to explain your point of view. Just stop it. He wants to be heard. From what you say, he sounds pretty childish. But what’s is the point of arguing with him and trying to stick up for yourself?

Instead refuse to enter into the argument and power struggle. Just look at him and tell him something like, “I know you are tired. I really appreciate all your help around here.” It’s called active listening. And it ends the power struggle.


Try it for a week. I think you will find that it completely stops all this that drives you nuts. You might even find the he starts complaining less because he is being heard and appreciated by you.

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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:10 AM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
Wow! Your incredible with your words! I try to be but I guess it's not clear enough to get through his thick head sometimes :s. I should say something along the lines of this though, it's brilliant.
You are very kind. I just have learned in life that I react better and can articulate my feelings if I have really thought out what I can say ahead of time. Not all situactions allow for this, as some times we get caught off guard of course. In your case this should be easy, as it sounds like it comes up often. Take the time now to figure out what you want to say in your own words, and then be ready. He won't know what hit him, and I guarntee you will have his full attention. I like to try to make it so that it is conscise and firm, and has a call to action. All of those things while still showing respect to the other person I am talking too.

You can do this honey. And if he wants it, you can have a much better future together as a family.

Ciao,

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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:01 AM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

Kids will eventually grow up, not need you!!


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