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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:37 PM Thread Starter
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Husband dictates when arguments are over

I really just need to rant here tonight. My husband drives me NUTS, no matter what happens, whether it be an argument or just him being an ass, he always dictates when it's time for me to shut up. Tonight for example, he asked me to bring a drink into our daughter, I was busy and asked if he could run one up to her. He does, then comes back and gets angry with me because he is tired. I'm tired too. He says whenever we are both tired he is ALWAYS the one who has to concede and get up.

First of all, that's BULL****. I'm pregnant, have a 7 year old with ADHD, and a 1 year old who hasn't slept since the day he was born. I'm always the one responsible to take care of him through the night and am up almost every night. I'm LUCKY if I get 3 or 4 hours in a night. LUCKY. And I do more than my fare share of household duties.

Whenever he is irritated with me he jumps from the one incident and extrapolates it. If he changes more diapers than me one day he will GUARANTEED say to me later that he always does all the diaper changes.

Then after my feelings were hurt I get a few minutes to try and talk with him then he just looks at me and says drop it. If I say I don't want to because I'm not done talking, he then proceeds to tell me that I talk about stuff too much and can't let things go.

Trust me, if I couldn't let things go, I wouldn't still be married to his ass.

Thanks for letting me rant. He's playing video games and I'm not allowed to talk about it anymore.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:40 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

How about you pull his nonsense on him. When he starts to talk, you tell him that you don't want to talk about it and walk away. Don't let him set you up to be dismissed this way.
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Why the heck did you have another child???
This is not helpful.
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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How about you pull his nonsense on him. When he starts to talk, you tell him that you don't want to talk about it and walk away. Don't let him set you up to be dismissed this way.
Oh I shall. I'm too old for this childish crap anymore.
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

Have your purse and keys sitting next to the door. Do not have your phone with you. Have it on a charger with the ringer on somewhere in the house. When husband arrives home from work, be dressed cute, make up done etc.

"As you know we have been dealing with a serious ongoing problem in our marriage. I understand that from you perspective, there is no point continuing any problem solving conversations. You get to say anything and everything you want, yet then tell me to get over it and not discuss it. As your wife, and the mother of your three children it is time that you show me the respect I deserve. If you want me to continue to hear out your side of things, you will absolutely do the same for me. Should you choose to continue to treat me like I have no value, I will be arranging to change our circumstances so that you never need to hear my side of anything again. That's all I have to say right now. This is the only and final warning I will be giving you. Take your time to process it clearly. The future happiness of our family is in your hands. I hope you decide to make good choices on how you will treat me from now on."

Walk toward the door. Look back and say, "I'm leaving now. Watch the kids." Then leave. Stay gone a few hours. He will try blowing up your phone, but will quickly see you don't have it. This gives him time to think about what you have said, and the fact that you are going to make a believer out of him.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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If you always walk away when he wants to talk how will you solve any problems?
That's part of the problem though. If he decides he wants to talk now, he will end up telling me.to drop it again in 2 minutes flat. I can't count the number of times he says "talk to me babe, what's wrong?" followed by him getting irritated and telling me to "give it up".

Some days he is childish as ****ing hell.....
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
Have your purse and keys sitting next to the door. Do not have your phone with you. Have it on a charger with the ringer on somewhere in the house. When husband arrives home from work, be dressed cute, make up done etc.

"As you know we have been dealing with a serious ongoing problem in our marriage. I understand that from you perspective, there is no point continuing any problem solving conversations. You get to say anything and everything you want, yet then tell me to get over it and not discuss it. As your wife, and the mother of your three children it is time that you show me the respect I deserve. If you want me to continue to hear out your side of things, you will absolutely do the same for me. Should you choose to continue to treat me like I have no value, I will be arranging to change our circumstances so that you never need to hear my side of anything again. That's all I have to say right now. This is the only and final warning I will be giving you. Take your time to process it clearly. The future happiness of our family is in your hands. I hope you decide to make good choices on how you will treat me from now on."

Walk toward the door. Look back and say, "I'm leaving now. Watch the kids." Then leave. Stay gone a few hours. He will try blowing up your phone, but will quickly see you don't have it. This gives him time to think about what you have said, and the fact that you are going to make a believer out of him.
Wow! Your incredible with your words! I try to be but I guess it's not clear enough to get through his thick head sometimes :s. I should say something along the lines of this though, it's brilliant.
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Can you live like this for another 50 years?
Speaking honestly?

Yeah I could. Though I'm never going to tell him that

He drives me crazy, but that's only one part of him. I wouldnt dream of leaving him over it though. Can't throw away ten years because of this issue. I knew what he was like when I married him and he is RIDICULOUSLY SLOWLY working on himself.

For me, marriage is for life. When one thing stops working, you sort it out. May take sometime sure, but I know I'll get through to him eventually.

He's just a hard headed bastard that I love.
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
Speaking honestly?

Yeah I could. Though I'm never going to tell him that

He drives me crazy, but that's only one part of him. I wouldnt dream of leaving him over it though. Can't throw away ten years because of this issue. I knew what he was like when I married him and he is RIDICULOUSLY SLOWLY working on himself.

For me, marriage is for life. When one thing stops working, you sort it out. May take sometime sure, but I know I'll get through to him eventually.

He's just a hard headed bastard that I love.
Hey Saibasu,
yes I understand what you are going through I had a father like that and my mother was like you! She will never leave him because she loved him.
Eventually me and my 2 siblings grew up and both my brother and sister dont speak to my father, and blame my mother for not leaving him. I have accepted it and talk to both but resent both too.
Is that what you are looking for, for your kids?
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
I really just need to rant here tonight. My husband drives me NUTS, no matter what happens, whether it be an argument or just him being an ass, he always dictates when it's time for me to shut up. Tonight for example, he asked me to bring a drink into our daughter, I was busy and asked if he could run one up to her. He does, then comes back and gets angry with me because he is tired. I'm tired too. He says whenever we are both tired he is ALWAYS the one who has to concede and get up.

First of all, that's BULL****. I'm pregnant, have a 7 year old with ADHD, and a 1 year old who hasn't slept since the day he was born. I'm always the one responsible to take care of him through the night and am up almost every night. I'm LUCKY if I get 3 or 4 hours in a night. LUCKY. And I do more than my fare share of household duties.

Whenever he is irritated with me he jumps from the one incident and extrapolates it. If he changes more diapers than me one day he will GUARANTEED say to me later that he always does all the diaper changes.

Then after my feelings were hurt I get a few minutes to try and talk with him then he just looks at me and says drop it. If I say I don't want to because I'm not done talking, he then proceeds to tell me that I talk about stuff too much and can't let things go.

Trust me, if I couldn't let things go, I wouldn't still be married to his ass.

Thanks for letting me rant. He's playing video games and I'm not allowed to talk about it anymore.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When you are on better terms, sit him down and tell him the long term consequences of his actions.
1. The kids will eventually grow up and not need you
2. You will have much more free time, might even get a job, etc and be more independent, no longer tied to the house with kids
3. If you keep stuffing these issues, it will eventually lead to resentment
4. Resentment will rear its ugly head many years down the road and when you have more power in the relationship you will use it
5. It could end up in the end of the marriage, a woman will forgive but never forgets. The emotional overdraft he is creating now will be to his detriment in the future when he needs some emotional deposit in the bank, for the bigger ****-ups. He won't have any credit.
6. He sounds immature, keeping count of diaper changes, etc.

Tell him this calmly and then get up and walk away, no further discussion. Let him think on it.

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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Hey Saibasu,
yes I understand what you are going through I had a father like that and my mother was like you! She will never leave him because she loved him.
Eventually me and my 2 siblings grew up and both my brother and sister dont speak to my father, and blame my mother for not leaving him. I have accepted it and talk to both but resent both too.
Is that what you are looking for, for your kids?
Yes. That's what I want for my kids. For them to resent us.

Seriously though, he is working on himself. It's slow going but I won't discredit the work he has put into bettering himself. He was worse before and is working on his issues.

No one is perfect, I'm no exception. He loves me and our children and puts effort in despite its slow to change nature. And our children are never privy to our issues.

Is he childish? Abso-****ing-lutely. But less than before. We are pretty damn young so I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But I get what your saying all the same.
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

Have you tried NOT asking him to do anything? I mean, what's the point if all he's going to do is turn the tables and snap on your for doing so. You can't control his response, but you can control instigating his response. Don't give him an opportunity to turn that ONE diaper he changed into EVERY diaper. My suggestion isn't a long term fix, no, but it will give you a bit more power. There's a power struggle going on here and sometimes, it's better to just do everything yourself. Then you won't have anyone dumping on your for this/that. I guess I don't see the point in putting myself in a position to get snapped at in the first place. Maybe this will give you some peace while you collect your thoughts and figure out what you want to do next? Either way, it might be worth a try. A change in dynamic is needed here.
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
When you are on better terms, sit him down and tell him the long term consequences of his actions.
1. The kids will eventually grow up and not need you
2. You will have much more free time, might even get a job, etc and be more independent, no longer tied to the house with kids
3. If you keep stuffing these issues, it will eventually lead to resentment
4. Resentment will rear its ugly head many years down the road and when you have more power in the relationship you will use it
5. It could end up in the end of the marriage, a woman will forgive but never forgets. The emotional overdraft he is creating now will be to his detriment in the future when he needs some emotional deposit in the bank, for the bigger ****-ups. He won't have any credit.
6. He sounds immature, keeping count of diaper changes, etc.

Tell him this calmly and then get up and walk away, no further discussion. Let him think on it.
These are wise words. There already is some resentment I will admit but he is improving. I'm no angel either that's for damn sure, but he definitely needs to grow up some more and is slowly working on it.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
Have you tried NOT asking him to do anything? I mean, what's the point if all he's going to do is turn the tables and snap on your for doing so. You can't control his response, but you can control instigating his response. Don't give him an opportunity to turn that ONE diaper he changed into EVERY diaper. My suggestion isn't a long term fix, no, but it will give you a bit more power. There's a power struggle going on here and sometimes, it's better to just do everything yourself. Then you won't have anyone dumping on your for this/that. I guess I don't see the point in putting myself in a position to get snapped at in the first place. Maybe this will give you some peace while you collect your thoughts and figure out what you want to do next? Either way, it might be worth a try. A change in dynamic is needed here.
I agree. There is definitely a power struggle here and lord knows I could do with some respit from the madness.

Maybe for the short run it would be worth it, give him no reason to get snotty and when he does shut him down quick.

But long term no way, he's either in it with me 100% or 0% .
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: Husband dictates when arguments are over

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Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
I agree. There is definitely a power struggle here and lord knows I could do with some respit from the madness.

Maybe for the short run it would be worth it, give him no reason to get snotty and when he does shut him down quick.

But long term no way, he's either in it with me 100% or 0% .
Just to clarify, I'm not talking about walking on eggshells so you don't "start" a fight. No, no. I'm talking about doing everything your damn self. As far as you're concerned, he's just a household decor item. Temporarily. Sometimes, men don't like to be asked and as women we're not always aware of how we ask... Sometimes the ask ends up being more like a tell which doesn't benefit anyone.

I just think this approach will give you that respite.
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