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post #16 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

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The guy is a jerk. My wife always gets the more reliable car.

Always.

He is selfish.
You sound like a gentleman, and that is what most wives expect

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post #17 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So angry at husband!

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You sound like a gentleman, and that is what most wives expect
I've never known my husband to do anything jerky before. He's screwed up and made silly or irritating mistakes, but he's never had that ******* quality I experienced during the car fiasco. That's a big part as to what has me so floored.

I've been paranoid and concerned about our marriage lately and until this I didn't have any real *thing* (just feelings and small actions) that made me feel like I wasn't loved, appreciated or desired, but this was almost like the proof. We've been so disconnected, but I had no real explanation as to why or how that couldn't be put aside with an excuse or justification. This just made all of my fears seem very real.

I'm at the point in which I don't want to be around him. He doesn't make me feel good about myself and I'm wondering if I don't make him feel good about himself. I asked him to sleep on the couch last night and TBH I'm not ready or wanting to return to the same bed. I felt alone when he was beside me and disconnected when he was with me. I think I just want to take space. I want to remove myself from the situation that has me not feeling good. I gotta wonder if we've just stopped liking each other, as individual people. That's what it feels like.
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post #18 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:08 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

First off why does it fall on his shoulders to repair it? There is a wealth of info on fixing cars online. Last I looked a woman was just as capable of turning a wrench as a man. Now with that said; Yes he is being selfish. I am in no way taking his side in this.
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post #19 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Do you have the finances to get the car fixed? If so, I think you should just accept that he's not the person to help you with the car. Take the initiative to get the car into the shop and arrange for a rental until it's done.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #20 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

The more I read the more I see differences in you and your husband. Be it money or cars or if he gets to play in a game he just takes things as the come, no worries equals no planning in his mind. OP you sound like you're on the ball, always have a plan and always planning for the "what is" scenario. I am very much like you OP and my ex wife was like your husband, drove me absolutely insane because her lack of planning always meant in the end things fell to me to "save the day".

So now I understand why you are so resentful, it wasn't just this one thing but an accumulation of things that finally boiled over. Also for the record any man who values his wife and family would give the better car up for the benefit of their safety, that's a no brainier.

Resentment and constant anger are a death sentence to a marriage, it's hard to stay in love when you're pissed off all the time. I speak from experience.
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post #21 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
I did this the second he made me feel like I was a bother. I'll be sure to ask him how it feels having someone else ensure his wife gets to work safely. I want him to know I couldn't rely on him for that and I don't need him to resolve this issue. I don't even want him involved in the process. If I come home iwth a new car, too bad. He didn't want to help so Idon't want to update him on the process. If I have to dip into OUR savings to finance a new one so ****ing be it.

No person (especially my husband) will make me feel like I'm some tolerated being that is more of a bother than anything else for long. I genuintely don't think my expectation for him to skip ONE practice while we organized the car (this all happened at 8 PM on a Sunday) was out of line.
You weren't wrong to expect help when having car trouble.
I agree with some posters, that the wife drives the more reliable car for obvious reasons.
The only thing I will give is a warning: You and he had better stop building all this resentment. I know over the years it will eventually cause a total loss of love and make room for cheating, which will end the marriage.
You are REALLY pissed at your husband. I wish you luck finding a way to fix that.
Do you guys get paid for playing soccer? If not, a part-time job might be more feasible to be able to afford a better car.
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post #22 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

@UnicornCupcake If it had been my wife, I would have dropped practice to make sure she was OK.

But we'd have done it in one, reliable car. Together.

However, there are several other points are making me go as there are several issues that also need addressing:-

You are a grown married woman, yet you rely on your mother for your laundry. (I accept you point about the machines in your area, but even so...)

You know more about the needs of the manager of your husband's football team than the manager does.

You seem to know a great deal about cars, much more than your father-in-law, for example, yet seem to leave the maintenance up to your husband.

Just offering you some point to ponder.


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post #23 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
How do I relax? How do I get over this situation? Car trouble is frustrating enough, but couple it with marital problems and I just want to cry!
If your husband feels confident at tweaking cars to help them start, would you be able to swap cars with him until your car is fixed?

For whatever reason your husband does not see the car as big of a threat to life as you do. This is probably because he has no qualms about being stranded somewhere and having to find another means of transportation as he may have plenty of friends he can call. So for him this issue seems as if you simply do not want him to play soccer. YES that is annoying, but he likely sees it from his own perspective.

Awkwardly my wife and I have managed our lives with only one car for over twenty years. We much rather have one very dependable car as opposed to multiple cars with problems. For brief periods we have had two cars and found that one just sits and becomes ill maintained. As for having only one car, life is very manageable with a little planning and coordination with your spouse. If you choose this option, you'll find you go more places "together!"

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post #24 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Had to delete..wrong thread. LOL.
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post #25 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So angry at husband!

I know it sounds silly to be a 30 year old woman and do laundry at my mother's but it's our Sunday ritual. She also has a bunch of household duties she's asked me to take over that she can no longer do since she's broke her hip. I'm also a complete germophobe, lol. So I just can't *do* shared machines that only have a 30 minute "warm" cycle.

I don't have a phone because I went on a personal rebellion after Rogers ****ed me with a 1,200 bill a few years ago. I'm getting one though. I'm over my little no cell phone phase.

He did offer to give me the car for Monday, but it was like it was a CHORE. Like I was such a bother.

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post #26 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So angry at husband!

The conversation of who pays for the work wasn't even brought up. I assumed it would be me. My car. That wasn't my issue. My issue was the way it all made me feel.
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post #27 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
He doesn't agree and he drove his last car to the ground, got stuck with no money saved and ended getting a new one he didn't even want on MY MOTHER'S CREDIT - NOT HIS. He's been sensitive about this since it happened and he's actually lied to people that he didn't need a co signer when he did.
OMG. A supposed grown adult man can't even buy a car on his own? This speaks VOLUMES about him - and none it good.

Another poster brought up a great point. You BOTH work, yet here YOU were dragging all your laundry to your mother's while this selfish assbag was whining about missing his precious BENCH time at his soccer game. The idiot needs to do his own laundry going forward because I sure wouldn't be doing it for him ever again. And since your MOTHER'S good credit got him his new car which is running just FINE, I would have told him to drive the crap car to his lame soccer game and I would have taken the good one that your MOTHER had to provide for him.

I'd find it REAL hard to respect this guy. Real real hard.
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post #28 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

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Originally Posted by Manchester View Post
How come you didn't answer the question about swapping cars?

How come you don't have a phone?

He offered a solution that night which was to use his car and you said no because you think he doesn't get enough playing time.

That's none of your business!

No wonder he's pissed off all the time.
I'd be pissed off all the time too if I couldn't even buy my own car without my wife's MOTHER having to cosign for me and I was a selfish assbag who was more concerned about my own selfish desires than the safety of my wife.

But hey, that's none of her business..right? Good Lord.
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post #29 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So angry at husband!

A couple things to clarify!
First of all, he does make good money and he has no debt, but he didn't build himself credit. He was never TAUGHT this. (His entire family are renters, no assets, no long term investments, etc.) He's been working very hard to do this. The car situation a year ago was a real eye opener for him. He's always operated on the "if I can't afford it I don't buy it" so he never established credit. I, on the other hand, was TAUGHT (my mother is an CCA) and even I dropped the ball in terms of getting credit. If anyone is a failure in the credit department, it's me. I can't hate or not respect him for this. TBH, I lost a little respect for MYSELF for not organizing it sooner. (We both have no debt and not bad credit, just not credit which is why he couldn't qualify.) Anyway, I'm defending him because it would be hypocritical for me not to as I've just started to establish credit myself. Definitely something I regret from my my twenties, but I won't be hypocritical and judge him for not having credit and needing my mom. I do, however, get VERY frustrated that he takes his financial failure (in terms of credit) out on me. It's like he punishes me for it because I know he needed that help.

Also, I actually don't do his laundry! He works construction so he does his work wear in the apartment machines. (They're junk and construction clothes are VERY hard on the machines and he said he wouldn't feel comfortable wearing down my mom's commercial front loader.) I only do his casual wear that's pooled with mine.

A few posters keep going to the soccer thing. Read my VERY first post on TAM. It was about supporting your spouse and his hobbies, in my case soccer. I felt SO guilty for losing interest in his season, but as a working woman I dont have time to watch a man sit on a bench. When he was playing I was there rain or shine
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post #30 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
A few posters keep going to the soccer thing. Read my VERY first post on TAM. It was about supporting your spouse and his hobbies, in my case soccer. I felt SO guilty for losing interest in his season, but as a working woman I dont have time to watch a man sit on a bench. When he was playing I was there rain or shine
Be aware that your failure to go watch his team play soccer may have him feeling like you're a fair-weather friend on this issue. His perspective might be that "When I was having a great year, she wanted to come watch. But now that I'm struggling, she can't be bothered." He may be feeling very abandoned and unsupported - as if you only have time for him and his interests when he's shining. Many people want their spouse to support them and engage with them on things that are important to them even when it's not going well, perhaps even more when it's not going well.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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