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post #1 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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So angry at husband!

[Aside: I know the majority of posts (mine included) are usually negative and full of problems, but I guess that's the purpose of these forums: To vent and seek help. I intend to write a positive post about my husband in the near future because too much of these paint a pretty awful picture of our marriage and I want to remind myself it's not all that bad, but right now I need get this out.]

I'm so angry at my husband right now.

I've been having minor issues with my car. To the point I'm not comfortable driving it apart from to/from work; my mother's and errands that are literally on the way to/from work. My husband is aware of how I feel.

Long story short, we were out to dinner with his family. We drove separately because the restaurant was down the street from the apartment and I was to go visit my mom and do the laundry (we live in an apartment and the machines here are junk) and he had soccer practice.

I went back to the apartment after dinner to grab something for my mom and my car wouldn't start. I called my husband to see if he could determine what was wrong. No problem. After some tweaking, it started. Barely. It was making this awful sound and shaking and smelled like gas. I HAD to go back to my mom's because all of our laundry was there as well as the dog. I asked him to follow me to my mom's because I was worried it would die. Also, I don't have a phone so if anything goes wrong I'm screwed so I felt it was pretty important he follow me.

He was beyond bothered at my request. Apparently, missing a soccer practice was out of the question. Feeling like my safety was of no concern to him I was pissed. He then went on tell me that it will probably get there safe. PROBABLY. Well, what happens if I get there and it won't start again? He tells me he'll come grab me after practice, but I didn't want to wait around until 10 PM for him to get there. Again, I don't think this was an out of line expectation. Then he told me to drop him off at practice, go to my mom's and pick him back up. We'd worry about the car in the morning. His suggestion has me driving around the entire city. All of this is so he can get to practice and does **** all for our current problem. (How will I get to work in the morning?)

My suggestion was to have it towed to the dealership NOW then have him drop me off at my mom's. I would take a cab to work (no transit) and organize my car from there. This, of course, would means he needs to miss practice as we'd have to wait for the tow and he'd have to drive me back to my mom's then back home again after we grabbed everything. IMO, this was a no-brainer, but he seemed to think this was all very inconvenient.

I'm getting more and more pissed that he's showing no concern for my current situation.

I was above begging him to follow me to my mom's so I just told him to go to his practice and if I get there I get there. So he follows me and is all "I told you it'd get here fine." I'm still pissed because I now have to finish my laundry and see if it starts back up. If it doesn't, he'll be at practice on the other end of the city. He asks why I'm angry and I told him I'm pissed that he's placing a stupid soccer practice over my safety, organization of the car and me getting to work in the morning.

His response? "You don't want me to play soccer anymore, do you?"

EXCUSE ME? I was beyond pissed now. He's made it all about him. Not to mention his reasoning was just... Odd.

Admittedly, we've had issues with the sport lately. In sum, they contracted a lot of new players so he gets no playing time. I DID tell him months ago I think it's absolutely stupid for him to spend his Sunday evenings away from his family to sit on a bench. He was the star player last year and I told him I think he needed to speak up and demand more playing time or he can walk. (He can easily find a new team.) I know he's been sensitive that I've stopped watching him and the main reason is because he doesn't play! I have a lot to do on a Sunday night and watching my husband sit there isn't one of them.

Anyway, I'm just so angry! Not just that he put a sport above me, but because he had no concern for my safety when I told him I was not comfortable driving. He made me feel of such little importance and like a bother. Like I was interfering with his day.

He went to soccer practice and I went to my mom's. Luckily, my car did start, but I'll have to take it in in the morning. (I'm not even confident it will start then.)

I've never been made to feel so small over what seemed to be such a simple thing. Wife in distress and mutual property trumps a stupid soccer practice. His lack of concern the way he victimized himself has me so angry.

I'm usually very vocal and all about a conversation, but I've asked him to sleep on the couch. I know if I talk to him now I'll FLIP. Worse, he won't UNDERSTAND why I'm mad. In his eyes, my requests were ludicrous. All I can think about is how this is such a red flag for future crises.

How do I relax? How do I get over this situation? Car trouble is frustrating enough, but couple it with marital problems and I just want to cry!

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post #2 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: So angry at husband!

He is showing you who he is, his events are more important. Most women want to feel secure and safe and count on their H. Tell him this as he has failed miserably.
Believe me when I tell you he will not change, so in future, you demand he do it. If he huffs and puffs, there has to be consequences. In future I would book a hotel near the work place and not just come home if the car is not working. Come up with another solution, that does not involve him, if he complains tell him that if he would do what he is supposed to do then you wouldn't have to make alternative arrangements.
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post #3 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: So angry at husband!

I get why you are angry, but why didn't you get your car to the shop before now?

Why not be pro-active?

Why resent his hobby? Is it just Sunday nights, or more nights per week???
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post #4 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:35 PM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Are you able to afford repairs or a more reliable car? Maybe that's his - wrong - way of telling you?
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post #5 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: So angry at husband!

You need to read this book: His Needs Her Needs.

BOTH of you are hurting each other. Are you aware that a man's top emotional needs are typically Sex, Having Fun (with you), and Admiration? You are dissing him on at least two of the three categories, and I suspect that, given your anger and resentment, you're not meeting the sex need, either.

In addition, I gather you don't have enough money to get the car fixed, since you don't even have a cell phone. What other options do you have at getting your car fixed? Family? Friends?
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post #6 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:43 PM
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Re: So angry at husband!

were you doing his laundry as well?
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post #7 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post

He was beyond bothered at my request. Apparently, missing a soccer practice was out of the question. Feeling like my safety was of no concern to him I was pissed. He then went on tell me that it will probably get there safe. PROBABLY. Well, what happens if I get there and it won't start again? He tells me he'll come grab me after practice, but I didn't want to wait around until 10 PM for him to get there. Again, I don't think this was an out of line expectation. Then he told me to drop him off at practice, go to my mom's and pick him back up. We'd worry about the car in the morning. His suggestion has me driving around the entire city. All of this is so he can get to practice and does **** all for our current problem. (How will I get to work in the morning?)

My suggestion was to have it towed to the dealership NOW then have him drop me off at my mom's. I would take a cab to work (no transit) and organize my car from there. This, of course, would means he needs to miss practice as we'd have to wait for the tow and he'd have to drive me back to my mom's then back home again after we grabbed everything. IMO, this was a no-brainer, but he seemed to think this was all very inconvenient.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
He is showing you who he is, his events are more important. Most women want to feel secure and safe and count on their H. Tell him this as he has failed miserably.
Believe me when I tell you he will not change, so in future, you demand he do it. If he huffs and puffs, there has to be consequences. In future I would book a hotel near the work place and not just come home if the car is not working. Come up with another solution, that does not involve him, if he complains tell him that if he would do what he is supposed to do then you wouldn't have to make alternative arrangements.
Aine, I am going to disagree with you.

The suggestions her husband had (either wait at mother's for the soccer to end, or pick him up from soccer on the way back) did not compromise her safety. It compromised her CONVENIENCE. She would be in a good car in either of his suggestions.

To resolve an impasse, it helps to make an effort to understand the other person's viewpoint. In my opinion, her attitude reflects a sense that her husband's soccer is of no value. That HER time (which would be wasted either waiting at her mother's or driving all over town) is more important to her than HIS soccer game, which obviously means a lot to him. It comes off to me as "my way or no way". In a sense, his suggestions were more of a compromise than hers, I feel. At least with his suggestions, both parties get a little something (she gets her errands, he gets his soccer, just not efficiently). With the OP's suggestion, it's a one-way deal.

To top it off, the OP states the his soccer has been a point of contention previously. Based on what she said about it, I am assuming she DOESN'T put much value on his playing soccer; she pretty much tell us that without saying so explicitly. So, of course it seems to him like it is one more round of her bashing his soccer; because I think it is, too.

There are some things that are important to Mrs. Wolfman, even if I think they are not of much value intrinsically, or at least of no value to me specifically. However, because they are important to Mrs. Wolfman, they become important to me. I make the effort to see that she can have them/do them, because I like her to be happy. However, I don't see that kind of dynamic in the OP's post.

Here's a thought experiment for the OP: Suppose it WAS important to the OP that her husband get enjoyment from his soccer, to the point that she would do what she has to do to make it happen, as long as it didn't endanger her/cause real hardship? What kind of suggestions might the OP make then, with such an attitude? I suspect they might actually be close to what her husband suggested.

And I'll bet that if all the rest of the time, the OP was really supportive of his soccer, then when it was REALLY necessary, most husbands would be more willing to make the sacrifices on HIS end when no other practical choice was available. That's the give and take of marriage.

So, no, Aine, I don't agree with you, and I think Tunera's post above is closer to the mark than yours.
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post #8 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:06 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Is money an issue in regards to being able to pay for repairs? If not why haven't you taken it some where yet?
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post #9 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:19 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfman1968 View Post
Aine, I am going to disagree with you.

The suggestions her husband had (either wait at mother's for the soccer to end, or pick him up from soccer on the way back) did not compromise her safety. It compromised her CONVENIENCE. She would be in a good car in either of his suggestions.

To resolve an impasse, it helps to make an effort to understand the other person's viewpoint. In my opinion, her attitude reflects a sense that her husband's soccer is of no value. That HER time (which would be wasted either waiting at her mother's or driving all over town) is more important to her than HIS soccer game, which obviously means a lot to him. It comes off to me as "my way or no way". In a sense, his suggestions were more of a compromise than hers, I feel. At least with his suggestions, both parties get a little something (she gets her errands, he gets his soccer, just not efficiently). With the OP's suggestion, it's a one-way deal.

To top it off, the OP states the his soccer has been a point of contention previously. Based on what she said about it, I am assuming she DOESN'T put much value on his playing soccer; she pretty much tell us that without saying so explicitly. So, of course it seems to him like it is one more round of her bashing his soccer; because I think it is, too.

There are some things that are important to Mrs. Wolfman, even if I think they are not of much value intrinsically, or at least of no value to me specifically. However, because they are important to Mrs. Wolfman, they become important to me. I make the effort to see that she can have them/do them, because I like her to be happy. However, I don't see that kind of dynamic in the OP's post.

Here's a thought experiment for the OP: Suppose it WAS important to the OP that her husband get enjoyment from his soccer, to the point that she would do what she has to do to make it happen, as long as it didn't endanger her/cause real hardship? What kind of suggestions might the OP make then, with such an attitude? I suspect they might actually be close to what her husband suggested.

And I'll bet that if all the rest of the time, the OP was really supportive of his soccer, then when it was REALLY necessary, most husbands would be more willing to make the sacrifices on HIS end when no other practical choice was available. That's the give and take of marriage.

So, no, Aine, I don't agree with you, and I think Tunera's post above is closer to the mark than yours.
Wolf, you are entitled to your opinion but its not as if she is asking him to give up practice completely, it is only one evening out of many. You speak of her convenience, but it looks like he likes his convenience too.
I think that H who put their sports and extracurricular before the practical aspects of the household need to feel the reality of their choices too. Perhaps missing freshly laundered soccer gear, no groceries in the house, etc may help in that regard.
The reality is that women do many things that get taken for granted but when they need the help, it is an inconvenience. I am not saying all men are like this, but there are many who are and OP's H sounds a bit like that.
If my car is not working properly, the first thing my H does is ensure it's sorted as he doesn't want me stuck on the road in the middle of nowhere ( I drive over 100km a day). To my mind that is what a good H does. Not worry about his extra curricular for that day.

We all make choices and there is no room for selfishness, you mention 'give and take' where is his 'give and take?' just saying.
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post #10 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:24 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Just because a car has trouble starting doesn't necessarily mean it's unsafe to drive or is going to break down as your driving. Heck if the cable connection was loose at the battery and tightening the clamp down fixed it I would have been comfortable sending my family across the country. Do you know why the car didn't start? Do you know what he did to get it started?

Know what I kept thinking as I read your post? Take his car..take his car..why not take his car??

That's all it would have taken to stop the drama....."use my car for the next couple days until we get yours straightened out". Yes he should have suggested it to prove his concern for your welfare, but his suggestion or yours, doesn't matter, that was the instant fix. He gets to go to soccer practice and you get to know he's concerned about your welfare by giving you the dependable car.

I'm going to say there's a hundred other things that caused this simple issue to blow up into such a fight. OP the resentment toward your husband was just dripping off your post, I don't know the background so maybe he deserves it but I personally think both of you handled this issue immaturely and with a lack of common sense.

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post #11 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:19 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

The guy is a jerk. My wife always gets the more reliable car.

Always.

He is selfish.
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post #12 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:41 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

OP,
Simply trade cars and let him deal with it.

Peace and long life
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post #13 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:02 AM
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Re: So angry at husband!

Yes, trade cars.

Or learn how to look after your own car. Personally, I wouldn't let my car get to that state without getting it fixed or replaced nor would I expect anyone to handle that for me.

But maybe that's just me.
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post #14 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So angry at husband!

I'll address 2 things first:

1. Concerning me not valuing his sport.
No. We both play competitively and devote 3 evenings/week to the game. My issue with his ONE team is that THEY aren't valuing HIM. He shouldn't be sitting on the bench and I told him I can't watch under those circumstances. He needs to speak up, tell his coach that he's too good of a player to sit. His club is basically trying to make another team (of a lower division) so they're running all the trials with the current team at HIS (and other players) expense. He's one of the few starting players that's still showing up to these practices/exhibitions. The majority of them have told their coaches that they don't come to sit. That's what I honestly feel he should be doing. Otherwise, they're going to think they can take advantage of him. So yes, I'm currently not valuing his place on this team under the current dynamic and he knows things have changed and he's not seeing the field much. It's not that I don't value his choice to play as a whole. I was flabbergasted he didn't respect my approach (that I think he's too good to ride the bench) and went off that I expected a safe escort to prioritize over a stupid practice.

2. Getting a new car
I've told him for about a YEAR that we need to start budgeting for a new car. We have one brand new car. However, we both have very different approaches concerning cars and it's caused a source of drama before. In sum, I believe in taking no more than 3 years to finance a car. After that, you own it. It's an asset. As soon as the car requires the same or more money to get it fixed as it would to finance a new one it's time to realize that car has no value and move on. He doesn't agree and he drove his last car to the ground, got stuck with no money saved and ended getting a new one he didn't even want on MY MOTHER'S CREDIT - NOT HIS. He's been sensitive about this since it happened and he's actually lied to people that he didn't need a co signer when he did. His whole family is like this. Half of them don't own cars and his father just got one on a TEN year finance. That car will have no value in 7 and he'll be paying it off for another 3. That makes no sense to me. My car not starting was the universe's way of saying I was right... My car is going to need attention. He seems to think it has years left. He didn't want to acknowledge it was a big deal because that would be acknowledging I was right. He HATES letting it be known I was right. IMO, this is the underlying reason as to why he didn't want to help. It just opened too many old wounds concerning his pride, his family's approach to finances (another source of drama between us), etc.
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post #15 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So angry at husband!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
He is showing you who he is, his events are more important. Most women want to feel secure and safe and count on their H. Tell him this as he has failed miserably.
Believe me when I tell you he will not change, so in future, you demand he do it. If he huffs and puffs, there has to be consequences. In future I would book a hotel near the work place and not just come home if the car is not working. Come up with another solution, that does not involve him, if he complains tell him that if he would do what he is supposed to do then you wouldn't have to make alternative arrangements.
I did this the second he made me feel like I was a bother. I'll be sure to ask him how it feels having someone else ensure his wife gets to work safely. I want him to know I couldn't rely on him for that and I don't need him to resolve this issue. I don't even want him involved in the process. If I come home iwth a new car, too bad. He didn't want to help so Idon't want to update him on the process. If I have to dip into OUR savings to finance a new one so ****ing be it.

No person (especially my husband) will make me feel like I'm some tolerated being that is more of a bother than anything else for long. I genuintely don't think my expectation for him to skip ONE practice while we organized the car (this all happened at 8 PM on a Sunday) was out of line.
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