His Needs Her Needs - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:13 AM Thread Starter
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His Needs Her Needs

This has been suggested to me. Is it more beneficial to one gender over the other? I'm thinking of having my wife and myself read it, but would like some feedback about the general content.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

This book is recommended her very often. I have the book but have not read it yet.

Basically, if you think you need the book, then you really need the book.

Get it. You both should read it.

But first, is your wife receptive to doing that kind of activity with you? Mine is not.

If will be an issue is she appears unwilling to work on the relationship with you.

Ask her before you buy it.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

No, it's not really more beneficial to one gender or the other. The book was actually written to be read as a couples exercise, and there are questions at the end of the chapters to promote discussion. It's fine to read it solo, and that can be a very valuable tool in beginning to turn a marriage around. But if you find value in the book, I think it's probably most helpful if both partners eventually read it so that you're both aware of the content and the plan it describes for improving the marriage.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:37 PM
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His Needs Her Needs

For me it was a quick read and then I discussed it with my W. She's not inclined to read something like that - not enough time, etc.

It's benefit IMO is in starting a dialog about common misconceptions men and women have about each other's perspectives and priorities.

The best example from a TAM perspective is the #1 needs of men and women (as asserted in the book). It's usually an eye opener for women to realize sex is a NEED and a w isn't meeting a primary need of her H if he feels he needs more sex. In other words it isn't just "pawing" and loathsome behavior. By the same token, your W isnt just "annoying you" with "meaningless texts that waste my time" when she reaches out - it's likely her equivalent need for communication. These are 2 huge issues in marriage and I think it's common to dismiss your S's needs because neither of these are top needs of the opposite S.

So I think it's ok to read through and start talking. Don't be discouraged if she won't read it; she can't stop you from talking about it.

Edit: BTW it's because of that book that we went from embarrassingly little sex (we allowed life to get in the way as opposed to not wanting it) to daily sex. That is in a 30+ year relationship. So it's possible to learn something about your S even after a very long time


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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

If something is important enough, you make the time for it.

HNHN is a good reminder that sometimes your marriage should include a periodic refresher on each other's needs.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

I think the book is mainly written from the female perspective. I didn't find it that helpful, it's just more dribble about women's feeling are more important than men's.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I think the book is mainly written from the female perspective. I didn't find it that helpful, it's just more dribble about women's feeling are more important than men's.
Hmm, I didn't get that impression when I read it, but I would strongly recommend "The proper care and feeding of husbands" specifically for the ladies. Not a lot of dribble (did you mean drivel?) in that one IMO.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

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Hmm, I didn't get that impression when I read it, but I would strongly recommend "The proper care and feeding of husbands" specifically for the ladies. Not a lot of dribble (did you mean drivel?) in that one IMO.
I'll have to read that one.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

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Originally Posted by manwithnoname View Post
This has been suggested to me. Is it more beneficial to one gender over the other? I'm thinking of having my wife and myself read it, but would like some feedback about the general content.
It's beneficial to both genders. The idea is that both of you read it at the same time, do the work it says to do and you discuss that work. Then you move on to the next chapter. It's for couples, not individuals. Though an individual can learn a lot from it.

Also, there is a companion book that you two should read first: "Love Busters".

You both read "Love Busters" first and do the work is says to do. That way you both identify the lover busters in your relationship and you both stop doing them.

Then, you read and work through "His Needs, Her Needs". Once the love busters are out of the way, you can focus on identifying and meeting each others needs.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I think the book is mainly written from the female perspective. I didn't find it that helpful, it's just more dribble about women's feeling are more important than men's.
That's a funny take on it since the book spends entire chapters talking about how it's important for a wife to meet her husband's needs... especially his need to sex.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Hmm, I didn't get that impression when I read it, but I would strongly recommend "The proper care and feeding of husbands" specifically for the ladies. Not a lot of dribble (did you mean drivel?) in that one IMO.
I like "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" as well. It's mostly geared towards SHAM/W's who are basically ignoring their husband's needs and focusing more on children, the household and themselves.

It does not address at all that women have needs as well and those too have to be met.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

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That's a funny take on it since the book spends entire chapters talking about how it's important for a wife to meet her husband's needs... especially his need to sex.
I didn't say it was all from the female perspective but a great majority was. It's one thing to say it's important for men to have sex, but quite another to explain, from a man's perspective, why it's important to the same degree it explores topics important to women. I thought that one way the book fell short, but it is a good book for a man to read to get at least some insight on what's important to a woman. There are better books that aren't so much taken from the woman's perspective.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

His Needs, Her Needs helped us understand each other better. Dr. Harley does take a tougher stance on men, I think (if you go to the Marriage Builders website, there's an article for men titled How to Deal With a Nagging Wife, for example, that starts with addressing behavior that a lot of husbands do that drive their wives crazy). But I've heard Dr. H say that this is because in his practice, he found that many men have a harder time learning how to be "interdependent" as opposed to "independent," while more wives instinctively understand how to take into account their husband's feelings before making decisions. And, he also makes the point that a wife cannot drag her husband uphill. He's had much more success improving marriages when the husband is more motivated to meet the wife's needs than if the wife is more motivated to meet the husband's. He's also said that if the husband no longer desires sex from his wife, the marriage is very difficult to save.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I didn't say it was all from the female perspective but a great majority was. It's one thing to say it's important for men to have sex, but quite another to explain, from a man's perspective, why it's important to the same degree it explores topics important to women. I thought that one way the book fell short, but it is a good book for a man to read to get at least some insight on what's important to a woman. There are better books that aren't so much taken from the woman's perspective.
It does explain in pretty good detail why it's important to men.

As a woman, I thought that it covered men's needs as much as women's needs. I'll have to take another look at the book and will bet that both were equally addressed.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: His Needs Her Needs

I am not a great believer in reading books about relationships. There are many and each presents its own opinion instead of all agreeing on the same thing. So you are gambling when you select one to read. Everyone sounds good but which one will work for you? What has worked very well for us, over our 44+ years marriage, is simply to consider each other's needs and wants in every decision that impacts the marriage. If we cannot reach a compromise, we just do not do it. We have always reached a compromise because we love each other. I cannot imagine going ahead and doing something that my wife has said she does not like.

My wife and I truly fell in love at first sight. We got engaged 3 weeks after we met and our love has only gotten stronger. Apparently the love that brings couples together changes or fades from what I can gather reading posts. I think the saying, "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." is very true in our life. Most people go through marriage keeping a tight grip on their spouse out of fear of losing them to someone else. If you truly believe that they love you, that should not be a concern and yet it is for so many people. Jealousy springs out of insecurity and fear of loss.

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

We have lived letting each other fill their needs, even if we were unable to do so for each other. We both feel compersion for each other. Take a look at this article to get an idea of why our marriage has lasted. Not everyone's cup of tea but we lived our life the way that worked for us and did not doggedly stick to what we had learned growing up which seems to have a 50% fail rate. I not risk my life on those odds and yet many do so when it comes to their marriage.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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