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post #16 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

We actually have separate bedrooms due to her insomnia. Long ago when we had a small apartment, I slept on the couch so that she could sleep better.

Being "told" to sleep on the couch is a whole different matter. No one has the right to chase their partner out of the bedroom. If they don't want to sleep in the same bed, they can move to the couch themselves.

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post #17 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
@Keke24 it is all about "personal space." It may be wise for the two of you to discuss how you argue and how allowing for some personal space to cool off can actually be helpful.

Your husband may be upset if he feels you are giving up and running away from arguments. So if you need space to cool off, acknowledge the problem and request some space to just think through things on your own for a while as a way to call a "truce" with one another and that you will come back to finish the argument once you have gathered you feelings and thoughts a little better.

Otherwise things can get too emotional.
I get the need for space to cool off and think things through before trying to resolve an argument. Perhaps taking some time away in a different room may help but we seem to have difficulty getting a good night's rest when either one is away from bed so I don't think taking an entire night away would work for us.

This all came up because my partner made a semi serious joke about doing anything to avoid being sent to the couch in response to a hypothetical argument we were discussing. And I thought "why in the would would I do that to you? and why in the world would you be open to me doing that to you?".

And then I saw a new thread on here where the poster asked her husband to sleep on the couch in response to a disagreement over her car needing repairs vs him wanting to go to a football match. So I thought I had to find out more.

I've always been clear that I strongly dislike the reference of the woman being in charge or the woman being referred to as the boss in the relationship or the last say on a decision automatically being the woman's... you get what I mean. Men being sent to the couch feels like an extension of that idea. It seems disrespectful to think that the woman "owns the bed" and has a right to send the man off. And I can't understand a man repeatedly accepting this and following her wishes either.
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post #18 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

My husband slept on the couch LAST night.
I told him I didn't want to be sleeping beside him this night and I didn't expect him to be chivalrous or man enough to offer up the bed so I nestled my damn self on the sofa. Of course, once I'm all established he insists I take the bed.

Personally, I think men should sleep on the couch if they're in the "doghouse," but I think women should be sent there or offer to go just as equally. I guess I feel whomever is upset should have the "right" to the bed. It's hard to determine that, though...
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post #19 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

To force another spouse to sleep in a different area of the house, or to remove yourself, over a disagreement shows an incredible amount of immaturity.

Me personally, I'd be on my way out of the relationship. I can't fathom why any sane person would want to stay married to a grown child.

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post #20 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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I can't understand a man repeatedly accepting this and following her wishes either.
Bill Burr has a great bit where some guy is talking about how he's been spending a lot of time on the couch and says "you know how it is".

To which he replies: "No, actually, I don't".
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post #21 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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And then I saw a new thread on here where the poster asked her husband to sleep on the couch in response to a disagreement over her car needing repairs vs him wanting to go to a football match. So I thought I had to find out more.
Hey now, I never asked or expected him to sleep on the couch. I offered it up first because I was the one who needed space. I have a real snarky way with words if I'm angry so I have to remove myself in order prevent further damage.

Crikey, it wasn't even bout needing car repairs. It had nothing to do with him taking care of my car. my post was about him ensuring I get to where I needed to go safely and being prioritized over a football match. I needed a partner to help me FIGURE out what to do (tow, leave, etc.) not someone to fix my car, lol. He's not a mechanic.
How quickly things get misinterpreted.
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post #22 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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Hey now, I never asked or expected him to sleep on the couch. I offered it up first because I was the one who needed space. I have a real snarky way with words if I'm angry so I have to remove myself in order prevent further damage.



Crikey, it wasn't even bout needing car repairs. It had nothing to do with him taking care of my car. my post was about him ensuring I get to where I needed to go safely and being prioritized over a football match. I needed a partner to help me FIGURE out what to do (tow, leave, etc.) not someone to fix my car, lol. He's not a mechanic.

How quickly things get misinterpreted.


My W and I established long ago (decades) that we would never go to bed angry.

It's unnecessary, builds resentment, and fosters misunderstanding.

We don't have to agree but we do have to talk enough to get our points across and be heard.

We rarely fight though. We agree on the major things and defer to whomever his the most passionate about the rest.


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post #23 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
Hey now, I never asked or expected him to sleep on the couch. I offered it up first because I was the one who needed space. I have a real snarky way with words if I'm angry so I have to remove myself in order prevent further damage.

Crikey, it wasn't even bout needing car repairs. It had nothing to do with him taking care of my car. my post was about him ensuring I get to where I needed to go safely and being prioritized over a football match. I needed a partner to help me FIGURE out what to do (tow, leave, etc.) not someone to fix my car, lol. He's not a mechanic.
How quickly things get misinterpreted.
Didn't intend to misrepresent your posting. My comment was based strictly off of what you shared in your opening thread post: "I'm usually very vocal and all about a conversation, but I've asked him to sleep on the couch. " That lead me to believe you told him to sleep there. Thanks for clarifying.

Why does any spouse have the right to ask the other to sleep elsewhere?
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post #24 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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My W and I established long ago (decades) that we would never go to bed angry.

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That sounds ideal but very difficult in practice.

Sometimes I'm so upset, it's difficult to say anything at all. Particularly if it's something that has come up repeatedly. You know the argument is going to be the same, there's nothing left to say except to hear the other person go even more into depth on their known point of view and vice versa.
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post #25 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
My W and I established long ago (decades) that we would never go to bed angry.
Our deal is we can go to bed angry, and we can wake up angry but we can't go bed angry one more time. I think it's better to discuss something when rested rather right before going off to sleep.




Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #26 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:57 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

Some use it as a way of punishment and some use it as a way of getting some space to cool off.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #27 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

I asked my H to sleep on the couch after discovering him cheating online. I felt completely justified... not like a child at all.

I would like to be on my way out of the marriage, but due to extenuating circumstances that's not possible right now.

So, since we failed to reconcile, I have since fixed up a very comfortable extra bedroom for him and we are now just roommates.


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post #28 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

Not really.

I have been upset and went to the couch for the night and so has she.

That is a pretty cold punishment for the one left in the bedroom because we love each others' bodies and comfort.

If one of us is mad enough to take that away, we get to talking quickly.
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post #29 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:32 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
I asked my H to sleep on the couch after discovering him cheating online. I felt completely justified... not like a child at all.

I would like to be on my way out of the marriage, but due to extenuating circumstances that's not possible right now.

So, since we failed to reconcile, I have since fixed up a very comfortable extra bedroom for him and we are now just roommates.
Why didn't you just say "There's your new bedroom cheater" and let him fix it up himself?
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post #30 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:44 PM
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Re: Husbands told to sleep on the couch

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Why didn't you just say "There's your new bedroom cheater" and let him fix it up himself?

I've been soft on him because of our extenuating circumstances... H has cancer. At the time I kicked him out of our room he was stable. He slept mostly on the couch for a little over a month...

Then his cancer returned, he had major surgery and needed a more suitable room to recover in. So I bought him a bed, new bedding ... the works.

We've been married 20 years... have 3 teenagers. He is now inoperable... stage 4. I'm not heartless...given the circumstances, with him dealing with chemo and limited time, I stay so that my kids aren't robbed of time with him.

Sorry for the TJ.


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