General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi, here is what's going on with my life.
I'm a 29 yr old male. I met my wife in elementary school when i was 6 yrs old. We grew up together being very close friends. After high school I noticed her trying to talk to me a lot on Facebook & Myspace when it was the cool thing to do. Needless to say we began to date and went from awesome friends to passionate lovers. She was the most awesome girl ever. We went out with friends, we went out alone together, we did everything together and rarely even had a fight. All of our friends told us we were so perfect and she & I both felt & knew it too. After 4 yrs of dating I asked her to marry me in Seattle right on the water. Perfect, she was so happy. After 1 year of marriage, she changed 1000%. She went from awesome girl to totally degrading me. She bashes me all the time. She tells me I'm lazy although I do all the house work. Clean up after her, clean our room, kitchen, everything. If I don't clean, the house will look terrible. Also, she accuses me constantly that I cheat on her while I'm at work. I'm a train engineer. I do work on the road but I'm home everyday. I just take trains 150 miles from home and back. We are constantly in contact via text, email, ect. She constantly accuses me of being other than at work and constantly tells me to video call her on my phone so she can see im actually where i say i am. She has no and i mean NOOO reason to think this. I've never gone out without her, ive never done anything wrong. But she is totally insecure. Also.. With bills... Yes, i make good money, great money.. But we live really well and have a lot of bills. Expensive cars, and nice things. She works full time as a Medical Assistant. She makes maybe 25% of what i make a year. All I ask is for her to pay $200/month towards our morgage. She makes $2000/month Cash after taxes. She has no bills and that $200/month I ask for is a CONSTANT FIGHT and she has paid it maybe 2 times in 1 yr and the 2 times she paid she was PISSED OFF!!! why is she this way? I mean, she will stay MAD AS HELL for a week if i even mention helping me a little.. Also.. When she gets mad over something totally small like... If I say, lets go to dinner tonight, she will say something like, why, call one of your little hoes. I'm like.. WTF are u talking about??? Then she will just go off the wall yelling and cursing me for nothing at all. I've about had it. and her favorite thing to say is... "If you don't like me for who i am divorce me" man..... That might bite her in the ass pretty soon although I can't bring myself to do it. My heart is all hers and before we got married everything was PERFECT i mean PERFECT. Also, before we got together she had nothing. No education after highschool, no job, nothing. I Tried to help her. Bought her brand new laptop for college, told her id pay for it all because she kept crying saying she wants to go just no $ so i paid, 3 weeks and she quit. why? she just doesnt feel like going to school. I am so lost and hurt, I don't know what to do... But she totally rapes me almost everynight still. The sex is still awesome and she totally loves me. just goes psyco everyday and its killing me. Please someone help. I am lost and hurt.. I've tried talking with her millions of times. She is impossible to reason with. I even convinced her to go to marriage counseling & theropy. She got pissed off in the session because the Dr. asked if she felt its ok to just start accusing someone for no reason at all. She said, u think im crazy too like everyone else and she ran out. I was like... whoa. My heart is breaking. Can anyone help? Not that it matters but I'm a decent/average looking guy. Nothing special. My wife... She is super hot amazing woman, perfect figure body, filipino, super sexy. Why she would ever even think i'd do anykind of cheating would be very stupid on my part.. Please help.
How did the Dr. react when she ran out? Do you know if she's on any meds? Or perhaps was? How close are you to her family? This does not sound like a slight problem, this sounds pretty severe based on what you've posted. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm reluctant to say this... but maybe she cheated, thus the constant accusations. Or there is something in her past that she has not dealt with.
It seems that she is capable of being a great person, so it might be worth trying to help her find her 'way back'.
IMO, you might try a tougher approach. Don't let her treat you that way. Let her know what is acceptable, and what isn't. Call her bluff.
Tell her to be respectful when she is talking to you, and that she MUST address her issues and work with you to resolve them. Or you will leave. You can phrase it that it's not about "changing" her.. but about boundaries and how she treats you. Don't put up with it.
don't answer if she is constantly calling you at work. And don't do the video thing. She might just keep pushing and pushing. Get a bit tough here. If you have nothing to hide... don't play the game.
Did you,by any chance, treat your wife like a 'princess'? Do everything for her? Bend over backwards to make her happy at the expense of what made you happy? In other words, have you been too much of a NICE GUY?
This behavior over a long period can sometime result in women losing respect for their men. Women do not like a push over it makes you look weak. Weak is not attractive.
Does this sound like it could be what has happened? If so i would suggest you re post this in the 'Mens Clubhouse' and read the 'Mr Nice Guy' sticky at the top of the forum!
Unknown, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry you are having such pain in your marriage.
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Originally Posted by unknown509
She went from awesome girl to totally degrading me. She bashes me all the time.... But she totally rapes me almost every night still. The sex is still awesome and she totally loves me.
What you are describing is called "black-white thinking." It occurs when a person is too emotionally immature to tolerate ambiguities and strong mixed feelings, which the real world is full of. Such ambiguities are avoided by categorizing everyone (including herself) as "all good" or "all bad" -- and she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other in just ten seconds based on a minor comment or action. The result is that the person can be adoring you for several hours and, then in 10 seconds, flip to devaluing and verbally abusing you. If your W is like that, she likely makes frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you never do..." and "you always are...."
That behavior, together with other behaviors you describe -- jealousy, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, impossible to reason with, low self esteem, inappropriate anger, and rapid event-triggered mood changes -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). You can see the full list of BPD traits at Borderline Personality Disorder. Here on this forum, I describe what it is like to live with a BPDer in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!.
I caution, however, that such dysfunctional traits do not lie hidden for four years at a time. Typically, they will disappear only during the infatuation period for 3 to 6 months, or maybe a year if you see each other only occasionally in a LD relationship. Hence, if you never saw these red flags in four years of dating, please ignore this post. In any event, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for at least a visit or two on your own -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Unknown.
I think others may be onto something with the nice guy thing and maybe for some reason she's lost respect for you. Don't let her treat you badly, just don't accept it. Don't fly off the handle and come to her level, just don't tolerate it - ignore it. It will likely make her go bash!t crazy the first time she doesn't get a reaction out of you - it will be amusing to watch if you can emotionally detach yourself from it.
My only other advice - do not - I repeat - do not - have a child with her until you either fix or break this relationship. As long as their are no kids involved it's ultimately not that complicated to end the marriage and move on. Once there are kids between the two of you you will be joined for the rest of your lives to at least some degree.
Fix it or break it man - the status quo ain't going to cut it and it won't get better by ignoring it.
since you have known her since you were 6, do you have any visibility into what the emotional climate was like in her family of origin? Both parents home every night (or not)? Any alcohol use by her parents or older siblings?
Thank you all for replying. A lot of answers were totally correct for all of you. Although UPTOWN I think hit the head of the nail.. Also for TEN YR HUBBY Yes, I've known her family for a long time. Man, this is turning out to be like a Dr. Phil session. But yes... Her father left her mom and family and moved to Asia back in 1998. Totally left her and her family high and dry. He has never called, texted, emailed, nothing. Totally split never to be heard from again. It was devostating for the whole family. Her mother constantly tells her things like.. "No matter how much you love your husband and he says he loves you, he will leave when he wants. Look what your dad did to his whole family and he told u he loved you everyday" I kinda frown upon this because that is really messed up and I would NEVER do something like that and everyone knows that. My wife blows it off and knows i wouldn't do it either yet sometimes when she gets mad over nothing she uses that. She will say, "WHY DONT U JUST LEAVE ME LIKE MY DAD DID, HE SAID HE LOVED ME TOO!!" and she will say stuff like that over an argument like.. hey the sky is pretty and blue today, and she will say no its cloudy, and ill say, well i guess it is a little bit and she will BLOW UP!!! like WHY THE HELL CANT I JUST AGREE WITH HER and lets FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT about the color of the sky.. then she will say mean things like ur just gonna leave me!
i dont know anymore..
Her father left her mom and family and moved to Asia back in 1998. ... It was devastating for the whole family. Her mother constantly tells her things like.. "No matter how much you love your husband and he says he loves you, he will leave when he wants.
One of the hallmarks of having strong BPD traits is an extreme fear of abandonment. Moreover, in a recent study (pub. 2008), 70% of BPDers reported that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood. Significantly, only professionals can determine whether the BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the criteria for "having BPD." This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags (i.e., strong BPD traits) in a woman you been living with for four years. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, projection (constant blaming), and temper tantrums.
Quote:
Originally Posted by unknown509
UPTOWN I think hit the head of the nail....
Unknown, are you saying, then, that you noticed the same red flags throughout the four years of dating but choose to ignore them at that time? If so, did they match most of the traits I describe in Maybe's thread (at the link provided above)?
Regardless of if you've diagnosed the source of her behavior you still have to fix or break the relationship. If you just choke it down today because you feel like you have an explanation you will only build resentment that will come to the surface in the future when it will be even harder to effect real change in the relationship. You need to deal with this today in the present, the odds of it getting better on its own are virtually nil. I'm not saying walkout on her or lay down an ultimatum, but do whatever it takes to start resolving it. If she can't or won't be part of it, she may just be determined to make your leaving a self fulfilling prophecy. If she is determined to do that there's not a whole lot you can do. You can't save someone from themselves. Posted via Mobile Device
What is happening to my marriage? 
