New to this forum, but I've lurked a bit and finally thought I might be able to get some direction from this community.
I've spent a lot of time in the last year or two trying to better understand life and love, and while I've made some progress, I am still struggling, so I thought I might see if anyone else can help me find the answers I'm looking for.
I had what I considered to be a 'perfect' relationship/marriage for almost 15 years. About five or six years ago, everything fell apart between my wife and I, and I've been trying to find my path forward ever since.
One of the biggest issues to come out when things crashed and burned was how needy I was, not just with my wife, but with other people in general. Experiencing a feeling of being 'cut off' or 'disconnected' from others really had an adverse affect on my mental and emotional well-being. Sad to say, I realized just how emotionally attached and dependent I had become, and how damaging that state was not only to myself, but to my marriage and to my family. I think my wife still resents me for my looking to her and our marriage to meet my needs (fair enough).
In all my research, it's clear that I can't look to others or to external circumstances (like marriage or friendships) to get my 'needs' met. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in becoming strong and emotionally independent and self-sufficient, but I still feel like I have a long ways to go, so I thought I'd get some input from those who may have accomplished their own self-sufficiency in life.
How do you maintain a relationship like a marriage without becoming attached or dependent on your spouse? How are you able to keep the distance necessary to ensure that someone like your spouse can't affect your mental or emotional well-being while still having to find a way to work with them every day?
How do you meet your own 'needs' for things that seemingly would require another person, such as friendship, intimacy, or sex? I've done pretty well living on my own, independent from others, but I still can't shake the feelings of loneliness and depression from lack of connection to others (and from a lack of sex)?
Finally, has anyone been truly successful at creating such a solid sense of self-respect and self-worth such that no amount of criticism, negativity, or hostility from your partner can shake your feelings about yourself? Are you able to let their opinion of you slide off your back without causing any pain or hurt, either to yourself or to the marriage? If so, what do you think enabled your ability to achieve that?
My wife has made overtures recently that she would like to connect more (though I'm not sure what that actually involves or looks like), but I've stayed distant, concerned about putting myself in a position where I again could become vulnerable to getting attached to her or dependent on her, which could easily destroy my marriage all over again.
In addition to personal viewpoints, can anyone recommend any resources that might help me in my journey?
Thanks in advance!
I've spent a lot of time in the last year or two trying to better understand life and love, and while I've made some progress, I am still struggling, so I thought I might see if anyone else can help me find the answers I'm looking for.
I had what I considered to be a 'perfect' relationship/marriage for almost 15 years. About five or six years ago, everything fell apart between my wife and I, and I've been trying to find my path forward ever since.
One of the biggest issues to come out when things crashed and burned was how needy I was, not just with my wife, but with other people in general. Experiencing a feeling of being 'cut off' or 'disconnected' from others really had an adverse affect on my mental and emotional well-being. Sad to say, I realized just how emotionally attached and dependent I had become, and how damaging that state was not only to myself, but to my marriage and to my family. I think my wife still resents me for my looking to her and our marriage to meet my needs (fair enough).
In all my research, it's clear that I can't look to others or to external circumstances (like marriage or friendships) to get my 'needs' met. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in becoming strong and emotionally independent and self-sufficient, but I still feel like I have a long ways to go, so I thought I'd get some input from those who may have accomplished their own self-sufficiency in life.
How do you maintain a relationship like a marriage without becoming attached or dependent on your spouse? How are you able to keep the distance necessary to ensure that someone like your spouse can't affect your mental or emotional well-being while still having to find a way to work with them every day?
How do you meet your own 'needs' for things that seemingly would require another person, such as friendship, intimacy, or sex? I've done pretty well living on my own, independent from others, but I still can't shake the feelings of loneliness and depression from lack of connection to others (and from a lack of sex)?
Finally, has anyone been truly successful at creating such a solid sense of self-respect and self-worth such that no amount of criticism, negativity, or hostility from your partner can shake your feelings about yourself? Are you able to let their opinion of you slide off your back without causing any pain or hurt, either to yourself or to the marriage? If so, what do you think enabled your ability to achieve that?
My wife has made overtures recently that she would like to connect more (though I'm not sure what that actually involves or looks like), but I've stayed distant, concerned about putting myself in a position where I again could become vulnerable to getting attached to her or dependent on her, which could easily destroy my marriage all over again.
In addition to personal viewpoints, can anyone recommend any resources that might help me in my journey?
Thanks in advance!