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Cant get him to leave or understad

1K views 12 replies 11 participants last post by  stixx 
#1 ·
My marriage sucks...I lack every aspect of what I’m seeking in a relationship with a man. Our relationship has been this way for a long time. We don’t communicate other than fighting…we don’t do things together and when I do try he doesn’t want to participate…We don’t sleep together or have sex (except for when he wants it). I’m not allowed to say anything because the interfering factor is his family this time. Then again there has always been something his alcoholism, my weight, kids, fatigue, money, pets…you name it we have an argument about it. Were both miserable but I can’t figure out why he keeps begging me to stay together.

Right now the issue is we’re both not working, I’ll pick up odd jobs here and there and recently went to get certified to be a barefoot horse trimmer but building clientele takes time and stronger skills than I have fresh out of school. I own the home we live in; I’ve been very blessed and inherited a very desirable piece of property. Our monthly bills are minimal and only around 800 per month. I have my own trail ride business which cost about 400 a month in feed but once sponsorships start they will cost us nothing more than the time of riding with the horses.

He spends roughly 3-5 hours a day paying video games and facetiming his brother 3 or more times daily for anywhere from 15-40 minutes smoking weed and running his brother through our entire life. I love that his brother and him have such a wonderful bond but at the same time I’m tired of the guy being placed in our home daily. This habit started after his brother’s month long visit in December. Once the brother left they switched to facetime and video games, it was worse for a while, he was spending over 15 hours a day playing games and facetiming anytime he wasn’t on the game. I asked for weeks for things to change nicely and blew a gasket finally ripping the internet cables out of the wall after his brother told me to “**** off” when I told them to find something better to do than smoke weed and play video games all day. I loved being disconnected because it forced us to behave the way a family should and we actually spent time together. Is it too much to ask for some us time? He says I’m wrong he doesn’t play that much but game stats don’t lie and the counter says what it says. I’ve committed my life to a man who won’t share his goals with me; he is very general and says he just wants to be happy. He doesn’t seem concerned were about to run out of unemployment. He seems totally content to smoke weed and play games all day. He verbally abuses me to the point I’ve started to carry a recorder around with me which upsets him but it stopped the name calling and demeaning behavior. 7 years of being called a worthless lazy ***** was going to lead to someone dying. I’m the least lazy person ever, my day starts at 6am and ends around 9 pm. He has stopped drinking and is a wonderful father to our girls when he can put the phone and game remote down. I try to play his game with him but he doesn’t like to play with me. I wouldn’t mind smoking out on occasion after the kids are in bed but I don’t want to facetime brother to do it. By the way we live in California where it is legal. I’ve tried everything to gain his attention but I can’t seem to get it. Even bought some sexy underwear and he didn’t even notice me wearing them, while I walk around in just them.

I’ve been wrong also I struggle with communicating my issues clearly. I tend to say things subtly several times over a span of time till I get so angry and upset I can’t take it. I yell, scream, and sometimes do crazy **** like rip phone cables out of walls. I just want a simple life and to actually share it with someone. I’ve told him as long as he can find a residence and keep the kids in their established school that I’d be more than happy to have a 5050 custody agreement. He has money put away and could move if he had to but whenever the discussion comes up he begs me for another chance and promises change but that happens for a week but never sticks. While I was out of town for hoof school he was supposed to gain some appreciation for how hard I work. He tried to prove to me how he could do it on his own but he failed miserably. I had to have neighbors come feed my horses and take care of my animals because he couldn’t do it (mind you he didn't tell me he couldn't handle but they would drive by mid day and notice they didn't have any food they all lost weight and got out to the road twice). The house was relatively clean but people called me all week telling me what a wreck it was without me and I still had to deal with household laundry when I got back.

I’ve been portrayed as a monster to his family and he has told some of them I threaten him to make him stay. Its actually the opposite because I am one part time job from no financial struggle. His family hates me and all I’ve done is ask for the same respect any of them expect from their spouses.

We as individuals deserve better and a more fulfilling life than what we are doing together. I want a partner in crime and a friend.... I can’t grow old with a man who seems to care less if I’m part of his life, I just can’t get him to move out.
 
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#2 ·
Of course he won't move out.

That would take away his comfortable life playing video games and talking with his brother.

Your post is loaded with so many issues. It makes me wonder why this situation has carried on for so long? He is clearly a man-child that hasn't grown up. Playing some video games isn't a huge deal. 15 hours a day leaves very little time for you.

You don't mention his job search, which I bet doesn't happen at all.

The crazy part I understand. I used to literally flip out at my ex H because he would make me so frustrated for having replaced me with his gaming rig. It is the only way to get 5 minutes of attention, then you realize that it's stupid to have to beg and plead and scream for a man's attention and affection. Now I'm with a man who gives me what I need and I've never been more calm in my whole life. Even if we disagree, the frustration is minimal because he acts like an ADULT.

I'd start talking with a lawyer, to get the facts about your house. Why stay a moment longer in this situation? It's teaching your children to stay in an unhappy situation with a person who is always unavailable and prioritizes games above everything else.
 
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#3 ·
I sure hope you never put his name on the house and property! Depending where you live pre marital assets or inherited assets may not be considered community property.

Bottom line is you and your husband are miserable, he's just too lazy to admit something needs to change and to do anything about it. Some here will tell you to try and save your marriage but not me, I think when it gets to the point that all you feel is resentment and hostility toward your spouse it's time to call it quits. It's not like he did one bad thing that you can forgive him over, you dislike the man he is, you have zero respect for him, you can't get over that in my book.

Talk with a lawyer and see what your legal options are, that's the next step. Maybe there's a way you can force him out of the house if it's in your name only. I know that may not sound fair but what are the other options if he refuses to leave?

For you I would suggest finding a job unrelated to the horse world. I know you probably love that life but as someone who was wrapped up in the horse life for many years I will tell you very very few people make any money at it. It becomes an all consuming lifestyle and in the end will only cost you money, you need a regular income with benefits.
 
#4 ·
Not sure why you're confused about his motives for begging to stay. You just told us:

He has a place to stay with minimal bills.

He gets to play video games and smoke with his brother when he wants.

He has a woman who's willing to do the bulk of the household chores and I'm guessing be the kids primary caregiver.

He doesn't have to bother worrying about the typical adult responsibilities because you do all of that yourself.

He gets to disrespect you without suffering any serious consequences.

If he gets pressured to change he just needs to lie a little bit and all goes back to normal until the next time.

Where is the motivation for him to change?
 
#5 ·
He is an overgrown teenager who hasn't grown up and living off you and your property basically.
You have to go see a lawyer, get a legal separation. Tell him to move out and get his **** together.
Tell himno more chances to make the changes needed to step up the plate.

Give him a year, if nothing, then proceed with divorce, you don't need this in your life. I think without him you would progress much faster with your business and life in general, he is holding you back.
 
#10 ·
Just know a legal separation (not just separation) is basically the same as divorce and can cost just as much. They will still split marital assets & debts, there will still be child custody and support to figure out. Retirement accounts may be split, etc. Yes, there are a few differences. The only reason we chose legal separation was so that I could stay on my ex's insurance. If I could have found decent insurance, I definitely would have chosen divorce.
 
#6 ·
Jumping on the bandwagon here, you should talk to an atty. Most will give a free 15 to 30 minute consult where you can learn how things generally go in divorce where you live. The information will help you make good decisions.

I think you need to shake up your husband's world big time. He needs to work. Not just for money, but because men need to work to feel good about themselves. Idk about women because I'm not one, just saying that men need to do something constructive and which brings them self respect. Maybe it is mending fences on your property even if it doesn't pay a wage, but would give him a sense of accomplishment and pride. But I think he needs to earn a wage given your situation.

You could tell him that when unemployment insurance runs out you'll start selling off stuff to pay the bills. The first thing to go will be his gaming system.

Don't give him money if he isn't earning anything. Especially since he is smoking weed! You use your money to feed the kids and keep the lights on if you have to. Get him to contribute to the household expenses. If he has spare $ to buy weed, I wouldn't like it because it doesn't advance his or the family's needs, but at least it is his money not yours.

If you've put him on the deed to the house or if he has some legal claim to it, I would ask the atty about doing a quit-claim deed. Then you can tell your husband since he not seriously looking for a job and he is living off of you, you want him to sign the quit-claim. This would ensure you keep the house as your own, and it would send the message to him you are not going to give him any of your assets since he is not carrying his half of the load.
 
#8 ·
I presume he was nothing like that when you decided to share the rest of your life with him. He was a completely different man? Why do women keep marrying jerks. My wife and I have seen this over and over. The last couple we knew that got married, the guy was cheating during all the time they dated and were engaged. He treated his wife to be like garbage and she never complained. She was in love and always wanted a big wedding. Then they got married and a year later were divorced. I know that love blinds people to the other person's faults. I also know that some women think they can change a man after they marry. Some get so much in love with getting married that they are blind to all else.

When it comes to marriage it is pretty much what you see is what you get. Adults rarely change and if they do, it usually is not in the way you want them too. Why the big change in your husband after he married you? Just curious because the couples we call friends are like us and married for life. What we all have in common is that we are basically the same people we were before we married. We did not turn into Mr. Hyde after we married. What happened?
 
#9 ·
I never knew he was a hardcore gamer till we bought this new system for Christmas. Prior to that he would play here and there but nothing like he does now. I've said how much it bothers me till I'm blue in the face and it's the same crap every night. I have no worry about loosing my home; my parents handled the situation wisely and I have the home as part of a living estate. 5 way split between myself and siblings but I have rights to occupancy. I'm not a big fan of drawing my siblings into my personal drama but they would help if I asked. I don't want to create problems with him and my family as he has done with me and his.

There's more yesterday I caught him red handed in a situation where I feel he was planning to meet up with another woman. A convo pops up in his FB messenger saying something along the lines of "the problem is when and where. The weather isn't good for fresh air fun plus your gf is home so you have to be extra careful." She goes on to send him her work schedule and tells him the area of town where she works. This same woman had sent him a dirty sex video about 6 months ago but they both swear that was by accident. She's in an open relationship and told me I should expand my sexual horizons and promised to no longer peruse my husband. He claims her message was unsolicited and that he only wants me.

I simply cannot believe him...he's been deleting conversations with this woman for months. I'm hurt. I'm upset. I'm dissatisfied with my situation. We're not legally married but I feel like we are since we've been together for 12 years. My self esteem is so low but I know I deserve much much better. He wants me to just get over it but I don't see myself doing so, especially when he does value me. I'm fearful of the crazy things his family will put in my kids head about me. I know I will be portrayed as a monster to all our friends.
 
#12 ·
Find out if you are considered married due to the length of relationship. The internet may provide a quick answer, but, again, a free consult with an atty would give you some solid answers.

Don't worry about what he says to friends or even your kids. Your real friends already know the truth, the rest don't matter. Your kids also know the real truth because they see it daily.
 
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