General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am writing to you because my husband regards this site as the bible for relationships.
We’ve been together for almost 10 years married almost 8 years. At the beginning everything was perfect. We even moved in together before getting married which to me was great because we learned SO much more about each other confirming we should get married. We got pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 3 years after getting married and that’s when it all started to go downhill.
My husband is very protective of our son. He takes a very different approach than most fathers. His father worked all the time and he was never around that much and my husband wants to be a different type of father. He refused to have anyone over the house to visit the baby and I if he was not home. I argued at first with him that it was just his mom or my mom, but bottom line he didn’t want anyone especially my brother or his sister, they both ‘smoke’ and not what you are thinking the other one… So I understood. OK He doesn’t want our son exposed to THAT at an early stage I should be on his side about this, HE IS RIGHT about that, but I was still bothered having to turn people away at the door saying come back later in the afternoon when hubs is home. That right there is where I THINK things started to unravel with us. I started to distance myself from him. I really was no longer myself. This is what he calls the ‘Bait and Switch’ that this site loves to talk about so much. That we women give all men the bait and then after marriage poof it’s gone. I would argue because we were great for 3 years but whatever…
These are the things that I used to be/do according to him:
1. Loving
2. Passionate
3. Paid attention to him
4. Joined in on his activities
5. HAD GREAT SEX A LOT
6. Fun
7. Would drink not just socially but with HIM
8. Athletic/ worked out
This is how I am now according to him:
1. Boring
2. Routine
3. Care only about myself
4. All about my phone
5. On Facebook 24/7
6. Boring sex IF AT ALL
7. Watches too much TV
8. Doesn’t drink
9. Jumps at any occasion to help someone else
10. Protector of my mother, brother, and sister
11. Couch potato/ doesn’t care about anything
This is what I am trying to be NOW, but I need his help:
1. I am trying to love him, but he doesn’t let me in
2. I want to be more passionate and not boring, but he wants a plan of attack
3. I am trying to pay attention to him, but he ignores me or says that I have wasted the time he allocated for the day to listen to me because there is only so much of me he can handle daily
4. I want to join in on his activities but he never wants or needs me he can do it all by himself
5. HAVE GREAT SEX A LOT, I would like to but yea no…
6. Be fun and spontaneous- he doesn’t want to do anything I suggest for us. Why always what you want so I say ok lets do something you want, no I don’t feel like it and goes to play video games, or tinkers with the car or whatever…
7. Drink with him, He used to make drinks but I can’t get him to make me one to have with him…
8. I have been back at the gym working out almost everyday like before for over a month now so I am doing this already
Is he right, YES. Yes he is absolutely right to accuse me of all of that. I probably should have gone to see a therapist or something because I believe I’ve been depressed. The only reason I am seeing all of this now is because as of late (2-3 months give or take) my husband has stopped trying. He doesn’t care anymore about me and only focuses on our son and himself. He even says this is the happiest he’s been in years. I don’t blame him at all, I blame myself.
But really I am asking you because sure I will take all the blame am I really the only one to blame?
I have been reading a lot on this site lately and a lot of the advice given is sometimes you are just to late. Am I really too late when he still lives with me we go on family vacations with our son and have a great time as a family just not together? I ask him to please let me fix this but he says he needs to be a willing participant if we’re going to fix anything and he doesn’t feel like being a willing participant. Where was I when he kept asking me to fix things. Again he is right. I feel like he did contribute to the cause of what happened in the beginning but I also feel that he wasn’t coming from a bad place now in retrospect. Except for the fact of really REALLY no one visits unless your home? Come on! Don’t you trust me at all?!? That is were I think it started. I felt like he only trusted himself not me. Like I would turn a blind eye to anyone around our child. Seriously you married me don’t you trust me at all?! Mind you this is a guy that had a lock on his door because he didn’t want anyone is his house to come and clean or whatever in his room. Honestly, I didn’t see anything wrong with that then because his room was always the cleanest of the entire house but its like he didn’t trust anyone.
I tell him I was most likely depressed I’ve always been very close to my family and not allowing them around all the time was hard for me to handle especially after giving birth and he said then I should live with them or if I was depressed I should have turned to him. Well my answer is that not everyone is going to react to situations exactly as you.
Just now we got into an argument over coffee, I know pretty stupid if you ask me. My fault once again because I assumed he would make coffee and he didn’t feel like it. I know pretty immature of me to think that I will get what I want from him especially when he regards us as a fake marriage/ partnership…
He says I can’t expect him to care naturally all of a sudden when I’ve trained him for 4 years to be this way. How do I fix this?!
Basically I am writing to you all in hopes that you will please help me! I want my husband back. The guy that wrote me a poem. The guy that would do anything for me. The guy that loved hanging out with me. I want to be the women he fell in love with. I HATE what I’ve done to him. He says he grew up thinking the wrong way about how a man and woman should be. He says he’s going to raise our son differently, which I’m afraid of now. I talk to him about my friends and their relationships and he says sure that guy is getting screwed because he’s a **** to her, ME I was nice and look at me now I had it all wrong. I hate what we’ve become!
I don’t agree with everything that my husband says but at this point I feel like I did more by pushing him away. He treats complete strangers better than me. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings even when we were dating. I had a crappy example so I’m sure they rubbed off on me a little. My parents, THAT WAS A FAKE MARRIAGE! They finally divorced last year but seriously they lived in a fake marriage for 12 years so he refers to them when talking about us saying I’ve turned us into them. I don’t want that.
Please help me get rid of my husband’s resentment towards me. He says no one has anything good to say on the subject.
Your husband shows signs of being over controlling and a perfectionist. I was like this and it was due to my horrible childhood which led to a lack of trust in all humans. I struggle with it till this day, but I've learned to recognize and temper it. What I can't figure out is if you've given him any reason to not trust you. The phone/Facebook thing is annoying especially if you can't control it but it shouldn't be a deal breaker. I think your husband is threatened by your family in some way and most likely doesn't trust them. Pot smokers are usually harmless. Is there any other reason he doesn't trust your family?
There are TWO people in a marriage, so when you say it's all your fault, that sets off alarm bells with me. You sound conflicted on this.
And seriously - he isn't home and yet he tells you that you have to turn people away when they come to visit?!?! Wtf is up with that?
Not to mention that YOU HAD A BABY. Things are way different after that. Often not in a good way, and couples need to work really hard to reconnect after the birth of a child. Him taking over with child care might sound nice on the surface, but all that did was reinforce your feelings of low self esteem IMO.
What does he mean when he says no one has anything good to say on the subject? What subject - you? Your marriage?
About you. You say many of the right things but are you actually doing them? He says you're a couch potato, you say you go to the gym. How often? Does he go? Why don't you go together? He says you're on facebook a lot. Why don't you delete your facebook account? I did - one of the BEST things ever for my marriage. Is your hubby on it? Why doesn't he also delete his?
Are you in MC? Have you read any books together? Do you know his love language?
Why don't you get a sitter, buy a bottle of wine and rent a porno and surprise him. Dress up sexy and seduce him. You say sex isn't happening - well MAKE it happen. Work on getting yourself aroused more often.
Only thing you can work on is YOU. You seem to be attempting...and you have his input. So do what YOU think is in your best interest, and what will improve the relationship. YOU can make drinks, YOU can make coffee... YOU can do more things than you do. Do all the things you can do without depending on his input, advise or assistance. BE someone (yourself I'd hope) that he WANTS to spend time with.
I'm not really putting the whole thing on YOU. But you can only control yourself. You can't change him, so you may as well change yourself for the better. No matter what happens to the relationship, you will be new and improved.
All that being said... I think he sounds like a d*ck. You gave him too much power. He should have equal input when talking about raising the baby, but not ridiculous unreal crap. He sounds controlling (and I HATE saying that).... but that comes back to you too, because you allowed it. People will treat you however you allow them to.
He may be done trying.... which means that you can only work on yourself and prepare for your future. Whatever that may be.
Also.... what's up with the lack of sex? Whose idea is that? And what about marriage counseling???
Edited to add: It would be interesting to hear his point of view. If he likes this site, then get him to tell his side here and maybe you both can learn something from it.
People who point fingers at their spouse and call them boring are in fact more boring themselves. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his happiness, instead of blaming you for it. He sounds like a whiney petulant man child and that's the LAST thing you need.
Okay, so he has a bunch of resentment. And he isn't a willing participant. What can you do about it? He's acting a bit immature, IMO. (and I know what that looks like)
Firstly, the comment on him not getting attention. Yup, baby is first now and that's hard on some husbands. They have to share your time. That is an adjustment.
Second, his unwillingness to participate simply means you might consider just focusing on yourself. Try the 180 approach. It's meant to end the cycle of doing and doing and doing for the other person, who is always free to say it's not enough and he has all the power right now. He could have you jumping through hoops for a long time before he decides he is "ready" to work on the marriage.
So he's told you what he wants. And you are trying. Take that one step further and really focus on you.
Stop talking about the relationship.
Get your own hobbies, activities, and things to do. Don't be home.
He treats you like crap? No, don't accept that. Spend your time doing things you like to do. Without him. Gain some independence.
Be nice, be respectful, but don't do his laundry or initiate sex.
Fake marriages don't include sex, doing his laundry, cooking, or anything else.
Don't be malicious about it. Just simply be "busy" with your own life. Get off facebook. Take an online course. Find something mentally stimulating to do. Your life shouldn't be on hold because he's having a temper tantrum.
I am the husband and a frequent reader of this site.
I would prefer people not pass judgments on me, a person unknown, without hearing my side.
I am happy to see my wife reach out. I have recommended to her that she join this site several times since I enjoy reading it so much. Reading it much, however, I have noticed the quick judgments that are passed here sometimes.
I am the husband and a frequent reader of this site.
I would prefer people not pass judgments on me, a person unknown, without hearing my side.
I am happy to see my wife reach out. I have recommended to her that she join this site several times since I enjoy reading it so much. Reading it much, however, I have noticed the quick judgments that are passed here sometimes.
Saw this coming from a mile away. Yes there are two sides to every story and she posted hers. Why not start your own thread and post your side.
Edited to add: It would be interesting to hear his point of view. If he likes this site, then get him to tell his side here and maybe you both can learn something from it.
You see where she is coming from, so why don't you give us more info? Since you are a fan of this site, then don't you think you could possibly improve your marriage thru it?
It would be helpful, and maybe less judgemental if we had both sides of the story...as always. We can only point out what we see. Right now we only see your relationship through your wife's eyes. And we've only told her to work on herself.... as that is all we have to go on.
There are TWO people in a marriage, so when you say it's all your fault, that sets off alarm bells with me. You sound conflicted on this.
And seriously - he isn't home and yet he tells you that you have to turn people away when they come to visit?!?! Wtf is up with that?
When he was an infant, yes, just being born, I didn't want constant visitation. If you knew my family and hers, you'd understand why. I stipulated that if they wanted to visit, I wished that they waited until the afternoon so that there wouldn't be people there all day, which was highly likely. I stand by this no matter what she or anyone else says. Later on this wouldn't be an issue, but it was one for me the first month or two of his life. I didn't want visitors to this boy of mine unless I was there JUST for this time, which I don't see how it was such an inconvenience for the other parties since I was home from 3PM onward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
Not to mention that YOU HAD A BABY. Things are way different after that. Often not in a good way, and couples need to work really hard to reconnect after the birth of a child. Him taking over with child care might sound nice on the surface, but all that did was reinforce your feelings of low self esteem IMO.
I certainly did not "Take Over." If fact, the visitation limits during my son's first month or two of life was the only thing I ever took a stand on. That hardly counts as "Taking Over" I'd venture. The only other thing I minded was family members of hers picking up and carrying my baby IMMEDIATELY after smoking marijuana... Nothing against those who smoke, but I have the right to dictate that I don't want him smothered by that smell so early in his life I think.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
What does he mean when he says no one has anything good to say on the subject? What subject - you? Your marriage?
About you. You say many of the right things but are you actually doing them? He says you're a couch potato, you say you go to the gym. How often? Does he go? Why don't you go together? He says you're on facebook a lot. Why don't you delete your facebook account? I did - one of the BEST things ever for my marriage. Is your hubby on it? Why doesn't he also delete his?
We both went to the gym when we met. This is a contention to argue for us because I made big efforts to persuade her to go back to the gym that were ignored. Then her sister told her to join an expensive gym with her, and I supported her with the caveat that if she was joining an expensive gym, she'd better go. I also joined the same gym to show support. For four years, I was the only one going and we were paying her membership for nothing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
Are you in MC? Have you read any books together? Do you know his love language?
Why don't you get a sitter, buy a bottle of wine and rent a porno and surprise him. Dress up sexy and seduce him. You say sex isn't happening - well MAKE it happen. Work on getting yourself aroused more often.
She KNOWS my love language is to merely take an interest in my things. For four years, however, she ignored me like I didn't exist. Only Facebook existed to her. Now she wants to pay attention to me and I am trying to deal with my resentment to move on.
What does he mean when he says no one has anything good to say on the subject? What subject - you? Your marriage?
He has yet to find good article on getting over resentment. He says no one gives a plan of attack… He can't just all of a sudden be nice. He needs a plan that will work…
[QUOTE=SunnyT;530907]he doesn’t feel like being a willing participant.
Yes I do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
Only thing you can work on is YOU. You seem to be attempting...and you have his input. So do what YOU think is in your best interest, and what will improve the relationship. YOU can make drinks, YOU can make coffee... YOU can do more things than you do. Do all the things you can do without depending on his input, advise or assistance. BE someone (yourself I'd hope) that he WANTS to spend time with.
Nothing would please me more than to see her do more for herself outside of FB, gossip, and TV.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyT
All that being said... I think he sounds like a d*ck. You gave him too much power. He should have equal input when talking about raising the baby, but not ridiculous unreal crap. He sounds controlling (and I HATE saying that).... but that comes back to you too, because you allowed it. People will treat you however you allow them to.
I never will believe I exercised my equal power in my child's upbringing unreasonably. Any decision I have ever made has been for the benefit, I believe, of my son. I would hope you raise your children the same way, with input. I have the right to have input when there were literally going to be people in my home all day unless I said something... And the only other time I said something was when my brother-in-law smoked marijuana, came over, and picked up my newborn. When I came down from upstairs, my wife and brother-in-law saw no problem, or like she says yes she had a problem but she's not good EVER with taking a stand with her family. I HAVE NO PROBLEM taking a stand on this, and I did when I picked up my newborn son and he smelled like marijuana. I wanted to cry. This was so soon after coming back from the hospital. I will NEVER budge on these things, and she knew all this before marrying me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyT
He may be done trying.... which means that you can only work on yourself and prepare for your future. Whatever that may be.
Also.... what's up with the lack of sex? Whose idea is that? And what about marriage counseling???
Edited to add: It would be interesting to hear his point of view. If he likes this site, then get him to tell his side here and maybe you both can learn something from it.
I'm not done trying. I'm constantly reading and discussing the topic of resentment so that I may overcome it.
The lack of sex was her idea. Since she resented me for the decisions I took with my son, it seemed to send her into resentment for years where she was no longer interested in me, which has done a lot of damage to my self-esteem. Please don't call me a d*ck.
I need your help please! 
Yes there are two sides to every story and she posted hers. Why not start your own thread and post your side.
