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Getting over resentment

8K views 69 replies 16 participants last post by  This is me 
#1 ·
It seemed to me that many would feel that I was derailing my wife's thread.

She made one because I am super-resentful and she wants me to be more open. I joined in because I wanted to extinguish quick judgments and give a face to who was resentful and WHY. I was waiting for someone that would say I was being "controlling" by posting in there, and it happened, though I was only trying to offer why I felt resentful and trying to learn how to overcome it. It happened so I am leaving it. It was here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/37262-i-need-your-help-please.html

So...

THIS thread is my question to many of our men and women here who had been ignored by their spouses for LARGE periods of time.

Question: How do you, when years of being ignored had taught you to focus only on the parts of life you CAN control (your own life), start focusing again on somebody else's life?

How do overcome that feeling that arises out of knowing that the other person's sudden interest in you has resulted from your loss of interest in them? The thought makes me angry, and this resentment makes it hard to reconnect.

Anybody here ever gotten TRULY over resentment when your partner stopped showing you love for a while?

I've read threads on here discussing this and it is one of the most open and ambiguous topics, i.e. The topic of Infidelity is much more single-pronged to solve, divorce, etc.

This seems much harder for me to come up with a plan.

I wrestle with this daily.

Please help.
 
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#2 ·
I will state up front that I struggle just like you in this department. In the end though, resentment is a choice. It is a conscience thing we chose to wallow in.

You mention being ignored, in what way? What I mean is can you see her side that she was a new mother and maybe didn't even realize she was doing this? Being a new mom is really really tough and that's even if you don't have PPD. Add that in and boy oh boy is it a struggle. When I was a new mom, I never once thought my child was more important, it literally didn't even come across my radar that I was ignoring him because I thought as a grown man he can take care of himself. In fact I got resentful when it was obvious he could not. I felt like I had two infants.
I am not suggesting in any way that that was your situation. I am however trying to give you some perspective as to what new moms go through....or at least what I went through. So could any of this be the case for you?
 
#4 · (Edited)
I will state up front that I struggle just like you in this department. In the end though, resentment is a choice. It is a conscience thing we chose to wallow in.
Yes, but it falls under one of those conscience choices akin to duty. Throw a stone at a stray dog, and it will not eat from your hand.

It's a choice that seems so counter intuitive, like choosing to inject yourself even if it's for a cure.

My struggle is to learn how to make that choice NATURALLY, so that I can hug my wife naturally and not feel like I am forcing myself.

Therealbrighteyes said:
You mention being ignored, in what way? What I mean is can you see her side that she was a new mother and maybe didn't even realize she was doing this? Being a new mom is really really tough and that's even if you don't have PPD. Add that in and boy oh boy is it a struggle. When I was a new mom, I never once thought my child was more important, it literally didn't even come across my radar that I was ignoring him because I thought as a grown man he can take care of himself. In fact I got resentful when it was obvious he could not. I felt like I had two infants.
I am not suggesting in any way that that was your situation. I am however trying to give you some perspective as to what new moms go through....or at least what I went through. So could any of this be the case for you?
I was ignored in that we didn't do anything together unless I joined in on something she was doing. I was ignored in that sex didn't happen unless I had pointed out that I had been rejected many times so that I got pity sex. I was ignored in that I was interested in her things but she was not interested in mine. It had nothing to do with the baby taking all the attention, he was ignored too! The new thing became Facebook and iphone! :(

So, though I am a slow learner, I eventually stopped being interested in her things. I stopped trying to initiate romance. I stopped trying to do things that pleased her. I never expected to be taken care of. I have NEVER depended on anyone to take care of things for me like an infant. All I wanted WAS for my wife to spend more time with my son OR me, either of us! That would have been much better than on the internet or watching TV. She didn't completely ignore my son, but while I was spending time playing with my son, doing chores, and trying to spend time with her, shw only spent some time with him, ignored chores, and ignored me. She even ignored herself by becoming obsessed with Facebook and her iphone. It was not only me! So it appeared she was depressed. I tried to reach out to her. She was stone. She never wanted to talk about how she felt, EVER. My son and I were the ones being left out while she denied depression. Cue in therapy. We went to therapy and she told the therapists she resented me because of how I handled my son and her family (please refer to my posts on her thread there!). It was an impasse because I was not going to budge. I still won't on that. Plus, she was only depressed around me. Around her sister and friends she always acted fine. I was the problem. I finally got the hint after four years and gave up trying to make amends with her.

I started spending more time on myself. I started spending more time with my son. I did my share around the house, but I stopped caring if he did hers. I only did mine and what didn't get done didn't get done. I slowly became happy again! But this now introduces a new problem!!!

In becoming happy though, I have become reluctant to go back.
 
#5 ·
I have nothing against religious people, but I personally carry with me the opinion that I am happier as an agnostic.

One of the changes in my life that got me back on the path to rebuilding my self-esteem was letting go of religious notions and picking up rational ones.

Nothing against religious people. In fact, I used to teach at a parochial school, I still run a sports program there, and I still teach a kids Judo program there. Plus my son is enrolled in a parochial and I have many ties and relationships with the parish community where I live.
 
#6 ·
My biggest take away from what you just posted is resentment.....hers. She perceived that you were invalidating her feelings about family and in turn got her needs met elsewhere via FB and her phone. You then pushed back wanting her to get involved with your hobbies/needs/wants and she pulled further and further back as punishment. You wanted to work on things back then (like I did) and she didn't (my husband) and now she wants to work on things now (my husband) when you not so much (me). BOTH of you have deep seeded resentment regardless of who is right or wrong.
I am hoping someone with a hell of a lot more insight will come through here. As I said, I struggle daily but I wanted you to know you are heard and yes your feelings are just as valid! :eek:
 
#7 ·
That is exactly the formula and exactly what I was trying to say with the specifics.

This is an excellent summary of the events spoken generally.

It does not matter to me who started anymore. I just want to learn how to NOT CRINGE when my wife attempts to display affection.

She thinks that I don't but I'm tired of telling her that I do!
 
#9 ·
About resentment specifically? Are there any articles that I can access without having to go to a church for this? I can promise you, with the churches I have locally, the priests will immediately recommend that I simply need to start attending mass and then they'll help me. Maybe it would be different if I knew a priest under the relationship of a friend, but that is not the case despite the fact I know many of them and deal with many of them through my job.
 
#10 ·
WOW. Well here we have it. What really needs to happen is for someone to knock both your heads together hard.
This child of yours is now older so his 'visitation' problems I suppose dont still exist. Bringing up the past and deciding who was right is not going to help anyone. If I say you were right and your wife apologizes will that help matters. Is that what you want.
You have said many things about her. I suppose you believe them all be true. Now what. She agrees to change or they never existed in the first place. Can you accept that from her or not.
Do you think she really wants to change. Or is it just an act on her part. Or that tomorrow she will be back in her old ways.
You have still your whole life in front of you. You have both come here to improve it. Something has to give.
Instead of harking on about the past tell us your problems on the present. And agree to abide by the decisions of the posters here.
 
#14 ·
Instead of harking on about the past tell us your problems on the present. And agree to abide by the decisions of the posters here.
I think this is a tad off base. Our past IS what molds us today. Letting go of years of pain/hurt/rejection is like telling an abuse victim to "get over it". They're actually the same. It's emotional abuse and NOBODY ever gets over that, they just learn coping mechanisms and ways of viewing things in a more positive light.
 
#17 ·
Anger, Sadness...

I'd wonder what I'd tell my son about how we got along toward the end. I'd be angry at myself for feeling resentment toward the end. I'd feel angry, again, at her ghost for wasting so much time ignoring me in her life. It'd be such a mixed bag. These are the things that come to mind. I'd wish I could change the past.
 
#16 ·
I think what it boils down to is whether the two of you TRULY want to be married to one another.

2 years ago my husband and I were in an awful place. I didn't know it, but he was in the midst of cheating on me. Our relationship was horrible. We cohabitated, we had sex once in a while, we even had a bit of fun once in a while, but usually we hated the sight of one another and preferred to be alone or with others. I didn't care when he said he was working late or going somewhere or when he stayed on his computer till late at night, and he didn't care that I was rude to him and ignored him almost all the time, and slept with my back to him.

This had been building for years. He had grown to resent many things about me, because he had given things up for me that I didn't appreciate. All this came out later in MC, but resentment was a major factor in what he ended up doing, and in the way he was treating me at the time. He finally decided that since things with me were so bad, he'd go elsewhere. He was seeking to become intimate with someone again, and had given up on me. Neither of us listened to what the other was really saying about things.

When I caught him cheating and decided to go to MC with him, many things came out about his resentment. It took him a long time to learn to let go of it. I still see it surface once in a while, but we have the tools now to get past it. An example - a little over a year ago, he lost his cell phone at a football game. His instant reaction was to turn on me and blame ME for it, stating I had 'forced' him to get it. When in fact, he had gotten it in secret to communicate with his women, after me bugging him to get one for years. We had a huge fight which came up in MC. The counselor made him admit that he resented me, and then got him to admit it didn't make any sense for him to resent me for his own actions. Yes, I had bugged him to get a phone for years, but now that he finally had one, it was HIS choice. Not mine, HIS. He could keep it or get rid of it. He should do what HE wanted, not what he thought I wanted him to do.

That was huge for him - he is a 'pleaser' and had been doing things for years that I wanted but he didn't, and then just letting the resentment build up and up and up and not saying anything. He had to realize that it was HIS decision to do these things, and that he was letting me force him into making decisions that he really didn't want to, and that it was unfair of him to then resent me for it, when it had been his choice.

Now he's much better at voicing his own opinions about things and not being the pleaser. He still does tend to try to placate me more often than he should sometimes, but if I point it out to him he realizes it, and often realizes it himself now too. It's a vicious cycle to get into.

Anyway, that was a lot longer than I intended it to be! Just my experience. And I am NOT saying cheating is something that you will end up doing - just that that's where the build up of resentment led my husband. So you do need to let it go. We were able to because we realized that we DO want to be married to each other, and the marriage was doomed to failure if we kept on the way were were going.
 
#18 ·
Part of me believes she really wants to. Another, more fearful and distrusting part of me speculates she is just trying to get me back into the relationship so that she can return to complacency while I continue to do things for her. I feel like I might be giving up a happiness that took me a while to learn, and I'll be honest I feel anxious
Thats really what it is. Or should I say all it is. You dont trust her.
Over to her. I hope she is also reading this.
What do you say. Are you to be trusted.
 
#19 ·
Have you and your wife tried dating again? I think that you need to do things together that you both enjoy. You need to concentrate on each other, get away from every day responsibilities, and have fun together again.

Do you have photo albums or videos of your early life together? Go over these with her, and reminisce about what your romance was like.

She also needs to put down Facebook and her iPhone, and spend that time with you. You will not rebuild the passion for each other if she is spending precious "we" time on Facebook.

A good sex life also works wonders with breaking down resentment. You should talk about what each of you likes, and woo each other regularly.

It will take some time, but if you both make an effort, that wall of resentment will come down brick by brick.
 
#27 ·
Have you and your wife tried dating again? I think that you need to do things together that you both enjoy. You need to concentrate on each other, get away from every day responsibilities, and have fun together again.
I am trying to get myself there... I am trying to get myself there in smaller steps, like enjoying a TV show together, sharing a drink together and just talking, but I need it to be free of her frustration that I am not feeling 100% naturally and immediately.

lovesherman said:
Do you have photo albums or videos of your early life together? Go over these with her, and reminisce about what your romance was like.
Good idea... Such an obvious step that I'd overlook it, huh?

lovesherman said:
She also needs to put down Facebook and her iPhone, and spend that time with you. You will not rebuild the passion for each other if she is spending precious "we" time on Facebook.
I would GIVE ANYTHING I HAVE for her to be less time on her phone... She has been better with her phone, thankfully, but it had been a MAJOR problem for YEARS. I work in a career filled with women, and I tell you it's a HUGE problem. What videogames or porn can be for some men, the iphone and all its little apps are for women today, and I'd bet that these stupid phones are a factor in the shortcomings of many modern wives today in troubled marriages.

lovesherman said:
A good sex life also works wonders with breaking down resentment. You should talk about what each of you likes, and woo each other regularly.

It will take some time, but if you both make an effort, that wall of resentment will come down brick by brick.
I am humbled by your optimism and kind words. Thank you for stating this.
 
#20 ·
Concerning your last sentence, I won't even waste my time addressing that. I'll pretend you didn't post it
That was the most important part of my post. Unless you want to waste money on MC or not to go ahead at all and stay as you are I would advise you to think again.
 
#31 · (Edited)
A very challenging question...

I would need to be convinced that there's no... No motive, no agenda... Now, how could she prove that?

She would have to express her feelings in a more patient, kind, and loving way. She sometimes sounds like she's ready to compete with me instead of resolve with me.

For example, she'll tell me, "So, can we do something together, or do you still not like me?" HTF do I answer that? She gives clear indication, a shame if it's not how she feels anyway, that she wants me to say no. So I lose if I say yes or no.

If I bring up that she can't view/state things this way, she'll express her frustration that I just don't feel things immediately for her. She'll literally question why I just don't feel 100% loving toward her right then and there as I had when we got married... This impatience and naivete makes it difficult for me to feel trust. It feels less like she wants me happy and more like she wants us back to a status where more is done for her than now.
 
#30 ·
You said somewhere that you don't do babysitters. I am sorry if I missed it, but how old is your son and why don't you get babysitters? Is that agreed on by both of you or something you have decreed? What happens if the relatives can't do it and you have something planned?
 
#32 · (Edited)
I don't know where she is going with that since we do have people sit for us.

Her mom or my mom has come over countless times in the past for my wife and I to go out for a late night to a social event my wife wants to go to.

Then, while there, she'll hang out with her friends, act super happy, act super fun, and get her fun... Then back home, nothing changed.

Now, it would be nice if we did that now that she wants to reconnect, by I personally feel like we should be taking smaller steps than that FOR NOW. Am I wrong in thinking this? I'd like to have a simpler "date" for the time being, like sharing a drink with her at home for a few minutes without talk or mention of her frustration OR my resentment. That would be nice.

I think that she meant that I don't do babysitters meaning strangers. I have no problem leaving my son with my mom, her mom, her sister, etc. to go do something she wants... We did that once or twice a month for years to go everywhere she wanted to go and nothing changed.

I am a little reluctant to do that now. I really would like to build up to that.
 
#37 ·
Quit thinking about punishment. I *think* you feel that she needs to face some kind of consequences for your being ignored/invalidated. believe me, I know the feeling. Been through it since 2005. I also know how it feels to be displaced by facebook.
If she's truly wanting to reconnect, be strong enough to do it and let the crap go. There's no "plan" or checklist to tick off. Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Look at it this way:
Reliving the painful past is not much different that trying to imagine the dreaded future. Both keep you from seeing the miracle that is the now. Live in the now and let the past be the past, and since you can't know the future, live it as it becomes the now :) A little convoluted I know.
 
#45 ·
I PROMISE you I do not want her to feel punished, and I know what you mean... A few years ago, I felt that way, and when I saw her hurt, it felt like a brand of "justice" once. I'm way past that stage. I want to see her happy now but while making sure her happiness doesn't cost me mine... And I wish she had more patience and understanding for me to more easily cast away my fears.

I want to let it go, but may I ask that she just act naturally and not with a "debate edge"? The day she she walks up to me and asks simply to partake in something I am doing with nothing by sincerity in her eyes, I will let it go or start to more quickly I think. I gave an example above on how it starts... It's hard to overcome when she says things like that.
 
#41 ·
Hope's comment about the Love Bank is very good advice. Are you two familiar with this concept? You do things to meet each other's emotional needs, and your "Love Bank" becomes full. It's why you fell in love in the first place.

If Interlocutor needs to take baby steps, then that is the way to go. These things can't be forced because of the emotions involved.
 
#43 ·
My husband, when we first met, wanted to take 'baby steps' in our relationship. After 6 months I finally ripped his clothes off and had my way with him.

I do know why that is important, and I do agree with it to a certain extent, but I just hope you don't take so many baby steps your wife ends up disappearing over the horizon ahead of you.

And wife, you need to start filling up HIS love bank if you want him to feel more like ravishing you on the kitchen counter, you know.
 
#47 ·
My H and I did a little "exercise" about resentment in counselling.

"I wish I could change the past".

Well, think that one through.
OP, you mentioned that because of the 4 yr deal, you've become happy and have an amazing relationship with your son. You seem to say that you are a better person now.

If you change the past, would all of what is today still be there?

Pollyanna point, that yes the past does mold us (stolen from brighteyes) and although it wasn't what you pictured, it did make you the person you are today. Some life lessons were learned, were they not?
 
#51 ·
My H and I did a little "exercise" about resentment in counselling.

"I wish I could change the past".

Well, think that one through.
OP, you mentioned that because of the 4 yr deal, you've become happy and have an amazing relationship with your son. You seem to say that you are a better person now.

If you change the past, would all of what is today still be there?
I feel like I am... There was a time I ignored my son and hobbies more when I was trying to spend time pleasing my wife back to me, blindly thinking that was all up to me. In this recent year, I accepted that I can't change everything and I began focusing more on my son and my hobbies. I don't regret that.

When I say that I wish I could change the past, I mean I wish the past was changed to where my wife was involved in my life ALONG WITH my son and hobbies. Ideally, that's how I'd have it changed. But the lesser of two evils within what I COULD control is certainly having a great relationship with my son and with myself even if it excludes my own wife rather than having a fruitless relationship with my wife while neglecting my son and hobbies in desperation, which is where I was for a time.
 
#48 ·
I was watching this the other day. It made a lot of sense relating to my issues of resentment and how I react to others and my spouse. The first half really clicked for me.

If you aren't religious (I'm spiritual myself) put aside the "God" part and it still makes sense.

Athene's Theory of Everything - YouTube
 
#55 ·
I think you both want the same things.... and just don't know how to get started. I THINK you have to do your best to try to impress each other... like you do when you are dating.

Be kind.
Be polite.
Dress nice.
Do little things for each other.
Entertain each other.
Entice each other.
Seduce each other.

And ya know.... count your blessings... you do want each other...just have to reconnect!
 
#56 ·
I think you both want the same things.... and just don't know how to get started. I THINK you have to do your best to try to impress each other... like you do when you are dating.

1. Be kind.
2. Be polite.
3. Dress nice.
4. Do little things for each other.
5. Entertain each other.
6. Entice each other.
7. Seduce each other.

And ya know.... count your blessings... you do want each other...just have to reconnect!
Thank you Sunny T... Let me tell you where I have the most trouble. Above, I numbered your ideas. I have learned to do 1, 2, & 5 again. It was tough. I've never had a problem with 3. However, numbers 4 & 7 I am struggling with I admit. I need to do those, and it's a struggle. I will try tonight again.

Reading here a lot and many posts have helped me, and posting here has helped me approach these issues with her from a new angle. This fresh revisit has inspired confidence but I still can't predict exactly how I'll feel.

If you can help with numbers 4 & 7 that would be great. I cannot tell you how much I literally cringe with anger the few times she has put her arms around me. It's going to take a very conscious effort to overcome this, and it's not going to help if she starts acting frustrated and bossy about how I "need to feel." This may sound bizarre or silly to you, but it's hard to describe the feeling. It's almost a feeling like I'd be turning my back on myself, which is absurd, but there it is.
 
#57 ·
You're in a self feeding destructive cycle here and you both have to take a leap of faith

She reaches out, you cringe due to mistrust and then she doesn't want to reach out for a while because of the way you reacted

When will it end?

I'm not a huge believer in fake it til you make it, but it can truly work here. If she reaches out either emotionally or physically then bite your tongue and reciprocate in the nicest way possible. Eventually you'll both see that "hey treating each other like a loving couple can be fun and rewarding"! The inner resentment will dissolve as you will begin to see sincerity and honest affection.

And if it doesn't work? Then at least you'll know what to do next.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#58 ·
Label my notions as unrealistic, but I have been hoping there was SOMETHING I could do that didn't involve me "faking" it or stepping forward blindly.

What I mean is, and this is the best example I could think of, if every time I touched a stream of water it burned to the touch, I'd want to know the temperature before I touched it again and burned myself. Ah, what if I had a thermometer that I could use, verify it wasn't burning, then touch it?

I feel that there are some things that my wife could be doing, like a thermometer, that tell the other person it's safe.

She hadn't been doing them, and instead she has been displaying a short fuse, impatience.

However, after she and I posted today, she is acting very sincere, rational. Like I posted to SunnyT, it feels much more safe now. In fact, she has not acted impatiently today at all, which has NOT been the norm. Any other day, by now, she would have thrown some tantrum in the evening over something or for ignoring her, etc. Maybe that's why I haven't been cringing back today.

She is very approachable right now, actually. I can't force her to act this way or to be this open and sincere, but as long as she acts this way, I'm making mental plans as I write to do my part, which I won't back out of. Wish me luck.

Actually, I think I just realized something... Each time she goes through what I call her "phases," she wants to move forward, yes, by talking about it for 10 minutes, getting frustrated, and then telling my how I should have felt. Today, she has been posting on TAM, she has NOT been telling me how to feel, and she has been open for discourse without limit on the topic all day for the first time in maybe almost a year... All this difference in just one day... Why? No matter...

I'm beginning to think that, since all her earlier efforts involved trying to debate with me for ten minutes, getting immediately frustrated, and then moving on to something else that day, I never felt trusting of what her motives really were. Seeing her post here and take a whole day to talk about this with me has definitely never happened before. I think it is moving me in the sense that I feel for the first time that her attempts are not half-hearted. They (her efforts) were more today than her usual 10 minute conversation about why I don't want to do something with her, what's wrong with me, and then walking away and I don't hear anything about our relationship again until the next day.

From when she first posted, up to now, I feel, not just being told by her she cares, that she DOES care... This is a start... I'm making some new realizations and thinking new things all as I answer your posts so I'll be right back. I'm gonna have some tea and collect my thoughts.
 
#59 ·
Her hugs make you feel icky.... that's sad. Touch is soooooooooooo important... or is that just me?

All I can think of is make a deal with her... ask her not to hug you just yet.... but then you will have to reach out to her, then it would be on your own terms, your own initiation. Think that would work? Just a hug goodbye when you go to work.... hold her hand when you take a walk....

I don't know... but it's a start.
 
#60 ·
I was just talking about resentment to my therapist last week... And how I feel resentment with so many things, at home, at work...

One quote I saw recently was "Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping your enemies will die from it."

And I realized that often times I feel resentment because I assume too much. I assume that my wife doesn't want to have sex with me because she doesn't like me. I assume my boss doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't like me. Etc. etc.

It simply boils down to that I don't know what goes on in anybody else's head. I can't assume anything.

So I'm trying to learn to deal with resentment. One thing that my therapist suggested, and what seems to help is when I am feeling resentment, just think "Oh, there's that old resentment again." Even a simple thing like that seems to minimize it, and hopefully eventually it'll go away.
 
#61 ·
I know everybody here means well. I need to get this out though. I think it is very difficult to advise him not to question her motives when she has shown for years that her motives are self serving. Granted, she has felt the same from him.....he discounted her needs early on. It IS a vicious cycle and difficult to break. Having said that, when all you have is past bad behavior to go on, it is extremely difficult to think altruistic things about motives now. I suspect that is the crux of the OP's angst. In his mind, if he lets his guard down and opens his heart again, he risks being taken advantage of and hurt even worse.
 
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