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post #16 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:44 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Switch and bait. Give her a timeline and divorce her if she doesn't change. I was married for 8 years, 12 years together total, and never got oral from my ex wife. I told myself I didn't need it and no biggie. Add 4 years of 100% sexless marriage at the end, I left her. Life is short, plenty of other compatible women out there that want your **** in them, in all 3 holes!

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post #17 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by terrylee View Post
Hi there,



I have married with my loving wife for about 4 years. We had sex couple times each week during the first two years, and it was gradually fading away in the third year. Till now we rarely have any sexual activity. To be honest, sexual fulfillment is one of the most emotional needs to me whereas my wife puts it in non-prioritized need.



When I am about to have sex with her, I try every possible way to arouse her sexual emotion by gently touching her back, thigh and kissing her shoulder and her neck. I did it all to her either when we were in bed at night or waking up in the morning. But she isn't responsive to what I am trying arouse her sexual feeling.



Most of the time, she feels indifferent and gives me an excuse that she is exhausted from work all day long and wants to sleep now. She procrastinates to the other next day but when time comes she doesn't show any interest to the promise she gave to me..



I notice that she often tells me that it doesn't the right time to have sex because there is no sufficient lubricant inside her vagina. If she does it will cause pain to her vagina during having sex. So I suggest starting with a foreplay and having an oral sex first in order to spark and arouse her sexual emotion to the point where she REALLY want it and have enough lubricant inside of her so she won't get hurt.



The problem is that not only does she not like to give me an oral sex but she also doesn't want me to give it to her too. Heck, she doesn't show hers to me. She doesn't allow me to have a look directly at her vagina because she is shy. Let alone having the oral sex.



I think that all is proven to the reason why her vagina won't secrete sufficient lubricant that leads to denial of having sex. Sometimes I think about having one night stand but I get filled with remorse and shame of doing it just to fulfill my sexual need outside the marriage. I don't want to get trouble in our relationship just because of it.



Anyone knows how to solve this problem please help sharing your comment.



I really need your help, please.



-Terry


So I kind of understand what your wife is saying. There is nothing worse than not being in the mood and not being wet enough. And yes it does hurt! Sometimes when my husband initiates... I often am not feeling it for whatever reason. And I really try to get in the mood but it just gets awkward when he is touching me and I'm just not wet. During these times... I want to want to have sex if that makes sense but my body isn't responding. It's the equivalent to you wanting to have sex but being unable to get it up. So think of it that way. For me, it's embarrassing and awkward. And we can't control it. Please know that it is not within our control. Also, when I am having this dryness problem I am very guarded with my vagina because it does hurt.

Because I get this problem my husband doesn't want to initiate often. But the good thing is, when I want sex and I initial there is no problem. I also have learned ways to make myself wet. For example, going down on my husband always works. When he initiates I usually have to go down on him for me to be ready before we have intercourse. The problem is... not to be gross but there are times I will not go down on him (after a long day of work and he didn't shower).

So talk to your wife. Encourage her to initiate when she wants to have sex, and be open to her coming to you when she wants it. Unfortunately my husband knows that when I am in the mood it's now or never so to speak. So of course he tells me to wake him up when I have the urge lol.

Also your wife needs to learn how to turn herself on. Sometimes I will not get lubricated no matter what hoops and jumps my husband does. She needs to find what turns herself on, and this can be trial and error.

Another thing is... don't make her feel bad about it. Again it's like a man being unable to get it up, it's not within your control. And like men, when we are aware of it we get all mental and it makes things worse. So don't take it personal, it also doesn't mean she is not attracted to you. I am incredibly attracted to my husband, but women's sexuality is different than men's, it takes more than attractiveness to get us going.
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post #18 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

As for having an affiar, I am quite sure she does not. I sometimes secretly went through snoop mode just to find out proofs. I took notice to the styles she dressed up, see if it looks pretty obvious than usual, how often her schedule has been made for an outside activities without me going along with her.

I even tracked her dialing numbers and contacts through email and social media channels (LINE for example) on her smart phone, see if they are obvious numbers/male names she got in touch so often. I kept observing her behavior and see if she secretly did something alone repeatedly while being aware that someone will see her. I found nothing wrong with that.

Except a regular work hour, she barely goes out to other places without me. Yes, someday she went home late after work but she is always available for my call, so I know exactly where she is. Alternatively, I can easily check with her friends at work for her whereabouts.

I believe in her honesty that she won't betray me by having an affair. Anyway it is necessay to always keep aware of that, just in case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
There are two books that might be a good start for the both of you to read. She might relate better to the first one because it's written by a woman. I would suggest that both of you read both books and talk about them.

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis


The Sexless Marriage Fix: Rescuing a Sexless Marriage and Making It All It Can Be Using This Empowering Integrative Approach by Robert M Fleisher DMD

And of course you can keep posting here. I have to get to sleep now as it's way past my bedtime. Hopefully someone will come along soon and talk to you. It's in the middle of the night in the USA and most of the people on TAM live in the USA.
Well, thanks to EleGirl for a helpful suggestion. I would take the first book you recommend, read it and share it with my wife, and see if it's worth following the instruction.

I talked to my wife last night and she suggested that she prefers to have sex during weekend/holiday where we have no rush and worry while staying comfortably at home. Other than that period, she is not ready for it at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
As an aside, there are things like KY Jelly, and Coconut oil to provide lube that prevent discomfort during intercourse. There are even vaginal suppository lubes.

Your spending lots and lots of time together does not mean she is getting the "right kind of time" to make her feel loved.

Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love had a profound positive impact on my Sex Starved Marriage. I learned that my wife's primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. (The 5th love language is presents.)
Thanks to "Young at Heart", I just talked to her and she agrees to apply alternative lubes like KY Jelly, etc. to prevent discomfort during intercourse. However, it's best to have natural lube secreted inside of her, actually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you may be TOO nice.
Workout, get yourself in best shape you can be, ALWAYS.
Both of you read the 5 love languages book & take the quiz & discuss

Here is a site with many good articles for your wife - When It Hurts: Maintaining Sexual Intimacy While Dealing with Pain - The Forgiven Wife

Does your wife have any abuse in her past?

If you don't make it clear to her that this is affecting your marriage, it will get worse.
Thanks to FrazzledSadHusband for recommending a great book. I like the way it sounds -- No More Mr. Nice Guy. I would read it soon.

She really embarrassed and feels awkward when showing and opening her vagina to my sight. This is my biggest problem because I don't know why she feels like that. When asked, she simply say she doesn't know why but she is just shy to let me see hers. I tried to convince her there's nothing wrong with doing that, but it didn't work. Perhaps, she is not turned on sexually much enough, so she is very defensive and embarrassed. It is my responsibility to find out what turns her on to sexual desire. Maybe seeking advice from a relationship counsellor could help.

I will give it a shot with her during weekend and see what's gonna be.
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post #19 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

When you guys have sex, does she come? I don't come anymore during sex and my interest in sex dropped by 98%. I still do it tho. Only one year married.
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post #20 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:54 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by terrylee View Post
As for having an affiar, I am quite sure she does not. I sometimes secretly went through snoop mode just to find out proofs. I took notice to the styles she dressed up, see if it looks pretty obvious than usual, how often her schedule has been made for an outside activities without me going along with her.

I even tracked her dialing numbers and contacts through email and social media channels (LINE for example) on her smart phone, see if they are obvious numbers/male names she got in touch so often. I kept observing her behavior and see if she secretly did something alone repeatedly while being aware that someone will see her. I found nothing wrong with that.

Except a regular work hour, she barely goes out to other places without me. Yes, someday she went home late after work but she is always available for my call, so I know exactly where she is. Alternatively, I can easily check with her friends at work for her whereabouts.

I believe in her honesty that she won't betray me by having an affair. Anyway it is necessay to always keep aware of that, just in case.



Well, thanks to EleGirl for a helpful suggestion. I would take the first book you recommend, read it and share it with my wife, and see if it's worth following the instruction.

I talked to my wife last night and she suggested that she prefers to have sex during weekend/holiday where we have no rush and worry while staying comfortably at home. Other than that period, she is not ready for it at all.



Thanks to "Young at Heart", I just talked to her and she agrees to apply alternative lubes like KY Jelly, etc. to prevent discomfort during intercourse. However, it's best to have natural lube secreted inside of her, actually.



Thanks to FrazzledSadHusband for recommending a great book. I like the way it sounds -- No More Mr. Nice Guy. I would read it soon.

She really embarrassed and feels awkward when showing and opening her vagina to my sight. This is my biggest problem because I don't know why she feels like that. When asked, she simply say she doesn't know why but she is just shy to let me see hers. I tried to convince her there's nothing wrong with doing that, but it didn't work. Perhaps, she is not turned on sexually much enough, so she is very defensive and embarrassed. It is my responsibility to find out what turns her on to sexual desire. Maybe seeking advice from a relationship counsellor could help.

I will give it a shot with her during weekend and see what's gonna be.
There are a lot of articles on The Other Side of the Wall - The Forgiven Wife this site. I can't find link at the moment, but she has a really good one on how women feel when being naked with the lights on. She also had some good suggestions for a wife to work her way into being comfortable with the lights on.

It is frustrating, to love seeing your wife's body, but she doesn't feel comfortable.

I have read quite a few articles on forgivenwife.com to get a better understanding of my wife.
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post #21 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:34 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

You will not like my solution to when my wife went through menopause and did not want sex anymore. She has had several surgeries on her vagina so we had not had intercourse for about 15-20 years. We cannot remember. But there are other ways to have sex. Sex is very important. If you read up on sex you will find that it releases the hormone Oxytocin whose sole purpose is to emotionally bond the couple. It is nature's way to get them to stay together to have and raise kids to pass on their genes. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child and is one of the chemicals that make up love and orgasms. Pretty important stuff. Without it you will never have the emotional bond that frequent sex produces. You will live like good friends at best.

What I did was tell my wife that I understood her reasons but I needed sex to feel intimate with her and to relieve my sexual tension. I then said that I assume this means I can date other women. She said no and then I said you are leaving me no choice because a sex in a marriage is very important or else we might as well live like friends who can date others. She knows I have had girlfriends in the past because we did not have a monogamous marriage. For the last few years before we moved, we were having regular threesomes with her steady girlfriend.

We moved far away from our girlfriend of 30 years and that is when my wife lost all interest in sex. She was used to having both a male and female in our bed since that was the bulk of her sexual experience. I live in a very large retirement community of 150,000+ senior citizens. Women outnumber the men 10 to 1 since the husbands tend to die first. They flirt shamelessly even if you are wearing a wedding band. They fight over men. It is kind of funny to watch two 70 year old women fighting over a 70 year old man with a cane. My wife knows that I do not make idle threats and since we were not previously monogamous, I can always find someone else to spend a few nights a week with. Nothing improves a marriage and a sex life, than knowing that you have to bring your A game all the time because you cannot take each other for granted due to outside options. I know most will not understand this, but it worked well for us and between us, we had less than 10 sex partners during our marriage of 44 years and 5 of them were in threesomes with each other. That is not a lot compared to many monogamous husbands and wives I know who have more than that in a year by cheating.

Quite simply, I would not stay in a loveless marriage. If I were monogamous I would cheat. It is not unheard of for wives like yours to accept your having sex with others. You are basically just goof friend at his point and maybe not even that since I have had sex with every female I was close with.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-27-2017 at 12:43 AM.
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post #22 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
You will not like my solution to when my wife went through menopause and did not want sex anymore. She has had several surgeries on her vagina so we had not had intercourse for about 15-20 years. We cannot remember. But there are other ways to have sex. Sex is very important. If you read up on sex you will find that it releases the hormone Oxytocin whose sole purpose is to emotionally bond the couple. It is nature's way to get them to stay together to have and raise kids to pass on their genes. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child and is one of the chemicals that make up love and orgasms. Pretty important stuff. Without it you will never have the emotional bond that frequent sex produces. You will live like good friends at best.

What I did was tell my wife that I understood her reasons but I needed sex to feel intimate with her and to relieve my sexual tension. I then said that I assume this means I can date other women. She said no and then I said you are leaving me no choice because a marriage is mostly about sex. No reason to even get married if you are not going to have sex. She knows I have had girlfriends in the past because we did not have a monogamous marriage. For the last few years before we moved I was having more sex with her steady girlfriend than my wife and my wife did not care. In fact it was my wife who asked her friend to take care of my sexual needs.

We moved far away from our girlfriend of 30 years so my wife had no relief pitcher so to speak and had to pitch the whole game herself and it was too much for her and not enough for me. I live in a very large retirement community of 150,000+ senior citizens. Women outnumber the men 10 to 1 since the husbands tend to die first. They flirt shamelessly even if you are wearing a wedding band. They fight over men. It is kind of funny to watch two 70 year old women fighting over a 70 year old man with a cane. My wife knows that I do not make idle threats and since we were not monogamous, I could find someone else to spend a few nights a week with. Nothing improves a marriage and sex life than knowing that you have to bring your A game all the time because you cannot take each other for granted due to outside options. I know most will not understand this but it worked well for us and between us we had less than 10 sex partners during our marriage of 44 years and 5 of them were in threesomes with each other. So that is not a lot compared to many monogamous husbands and wives I know who have more than that in a year by cheating.

Quite simply, I would not stay in a loveless marriage. If I was monogamous I would cheat because for some reason society accepts cheating as still being in the monogamous framework. With 50% of marriages failing, most still cling to that same old morality rather than find a better one. I do not have to destroy the life I have built with my wife if I want a one night stand just for sex, like I would if we had a traditional monogamous marriage. I would have to divorce her and fight her for property and money, with both of us losing a lot of money in the process. That is the moral way to have sex with another women. Our way we have sex and go home to our spouse and are happy for each other. As long as it is the exception and not the rule, sex with others was not a deal breaker as long as it was not an affair with feelings involved. Just tell your wife to suggest ways for you to have sexual relations with a women which you find necessary for a happy life. It is not unheard of for wives like yours to accept your having sex with others. You are basically just a paycheck for her at this point.
With all due respect, I couldn't do this. I do not know if most men could. Marriage is supposed to be about love, respect and trust. In fact, my wife offered for me to have sex outside the marriage. I was so appalled that I she thought so little of our marriage and bond that she'd rather me have sex with another woman than with her. After that and little movement on our marriage, I filed for divorce begrudgingly. I guess it is okay if both of you agree to that, but for most marriages, that is not the answer. If two people in the marriage cannot express their love through intimacy, then there is no reason to be marriage. I could never agree to sex outside of a relationship; marriage or not. If I am old fashioned, then so be it. If it works for you and others, then, that is cool. However, should the OP go this route, eventually your spouse will get upset and the bond will break. At that point, you may have to pay the piper through divorce. As a person who was basically forced to file for divorce, it is incredibly painful emotionally and very expensive; even for a short marriage.

Tread lightly my friend. Tread very lightly. Perhaps you and your wife should see a sex therapist, not a MC. If she has a medical condition, that is one thing, most can work through that through other ways of intimacy (hand, oral, anal, kissing, etc.). However, a wife (or husband) who will provide no sexual relief in a relationship is pure torture. All-in-all, you are then just there for financial and emotional security for her.

Just my take as someone who experienced what you went through. I swear, it was like Chinese water torture some days. My ex-wife would walk around the house with no cloths on, but refuse any type of intimacy. I feel for you brother. You need to nip it in the butt, and set a timeline for a resolution. Should nothing improve within one year, file for divorce. The longer the marriage is, the harder and more expensive it will be emotionally and financially. In the end, if you love her, you will let her go. I did. No reason for both of you to be in misery. Then again, my wife always said misery loves company.
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post #23 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by terrylee View Post
She really embarrassed and feels awkward when showing and opening her vagina to my sight. This is my biggest problem because I don't know why she feels like that. When asked, she simply say she doesn't know why but she is just shy to let me see hers.
Was she ever sexually abused or assaulted?

Also, is this a cultural issue in any way? As an American, it would be very unusual for a woman to be that shy with her husband.
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post #24 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

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With all due respect, I couldn't do this. I do not know if most men could. Marriage is supposed to be about love, respect and trust. In fact, my wife offered for me to have sex outside the marriage. I was so appalled that I she thought so little of our marriage and bond that she'd rather me have sex with another woman than with her. After that and little movement on our marriage, I filed for divorce begrudgingly. I guess it is okay if both of you agree to that, but for most marriages, that is not the answer. If two people in the marriage cannot express their love through intimacy, then there is no reason to be marriage. I could never agree to sex outside of a relationship; marriage or not. If I am old fashioned, then so be it. If it works for you and others, then, that is cool. However, should the OP go this route, eventually your spouse will get upset and the bond will break. At that point, you may have to pay the piper through divorce. As a person who was basically forced to file for divorce, it is incredibly painful emotionally and very expensive; even for a short marriage.

Tread lightly my friend. Tread very lightly. Perhaps you and your wife should see a sex therapist, not a MC. If she has a medical condition, that is one thing, most can work through that through other ways of intimacy (hand, oral, anal, kissing, etc.). However, a wife (or husband) who will provide no sexual relief in a relationship is pure torture. All-in-all, you are then just there for financial and emotional security for her.

Just my take as someone who experienced what you went through. I swear, it was like Chinese water torture some days. My ex-wife would walk around the house with no cloths on, but refuse any type of intimacy. I feel for you brother. You need to nip it in the butt, and set a timeline for a resolution. Should nothing improve within one year, file for divorce. The longer the marriage is, the harder and more expensive it will be emotionally and financially. In the end, if you love her, you will let her go. I did. No reason for both of you to be in misery. Then again, my wife always said misery loves company.
No you are not old fashioned, you have good moral values. Faithfulness in marriage is vital.
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post #25 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Other posters have this well in hand.

Hoping the best for your marriage.

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post #26 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 10:07 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Often times when I'm at work, I miss my wife of over ten years, so before I begin my six a.m. Job, I text my wife, telling her good morning 🕗 and I find her a sweet 🍬 and romantic poem so she can wake up to it to make her day...
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post #27 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Dude, I have this exact same problem.

My wife wants sex to make a baby, she hates oral, she hates me touching her and it makes me so sad
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post #28 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

without bothering to repeat the list of possible sources of these issues (childbirth, breastfeeding, drugs, an affair, etc)

Just sit her down, tell her you did not plan of becoming a monk any time soon, and if you do not start getting laid many times a week, you will be considering divorcing her. She needs that slap in the face to realize you are serious about this! Make sure she totally understands you are serious.

What, actually, IS the purpose of marriage except to get laid a lot???
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post #29 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Thank you for every comment you guys/gals have posted here in this thread. Well, I think I will sit down and do a serious talk with my wife openly and honestly about resolution to the sexual problem. I will explain her there's no point in the marriage if she never ever gives me a relief of sexual tension which is one of the most common emotional needs for men.

I don't think I am selfish while I am making most of her important emotional needs met. Many times, I told her sexual fulfillment is one of my important emotional needs, like most men. However, I don't think she really gets into it due to the difference between female's and male's emotional desire.

To be honest, I sometimes let my thought go randomly just to fulfill my sexual desire when I need it badly. I thought if I can't get it from my wife, I will have other women do it for me one day. And then, sooner or later our relationship will fall into touble for what I did. She will upset and disappoint over the affair I made. But what else can I do?

I will give her choice -- having sex with me, the man you married with, or letting me have sex with other women. See how she reacts. If she agrees to having sex with me but refuses the oral sex (let alone intercouse), then it's better to stop having sex now. Instead we both should necessarily be consulting with a sex therapist and seeking advice for the solutions. That's the only idea I can come up with.
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post #30 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

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What culture / ethnic group?
I see this question come up quite a bit. What is the relevance? Do different ethnic groups have different drives or attitudes to sex?
Just curious. Not trying to start a fight!
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