Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:26 AM Thread Starter
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Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Hi there,

I have married with my loving wife for about 4 years. We had sex couple times each week during the first two years, and it was gradually fading away in the third year. Till now we rarely have any sexual activity. To be honest, sexual fulfillment is one of the most emotional needs to me whereas my wife puts it in non-prioritized need.

When I am about to have sex with her, I try every possible way to arouse her sexual emotion by gently touching her back, thigh and kissing her shoulder and her neck. I did it all to her either when we were in bed at night or waking up in the morning. But she isn't responsive to what I am trying arouse her sexual feeling.

Most of the time, she feels indifferent and gives me an excuse that she is exhausted from work all day long and wants to sleep now. She procrastinates to the other next day but when time comes she doesn't show any interest to the promise she gave to me..

I notice that she often tells me that it doesn't the right time to have sex because there is no sufficient lubricant inside her vagina. If she does it will cause pain to her vagina during having sex. So I suggest starting with a foreplay and having an oral sex first in order to spark and arouse her sexual emotion to the point where she REALLY want it and have enough lubricant inside of her so she won't get hurt.

The problem is that not only does she not like to give me an oral sex but she also doesn't want me to give it to her too. Heck, she doesn't show hers to me. She doesn't allow me to have a look directly at her vagina because she is shy. Let alone having the oral sex.

I think that all is proven to the reason why her vagina won't secrete sufficient lubricant that leads to denial of having sex. Sometimes I think about having one night stand but I get filled with remorse and shame of doing it just to fulfill my sexual need outside the marriage. I don't want to get trouble in our relationship just because of it.

Anyone knows how to solve this problem please help sharing your comment.

I really need your help, please.

-Terry

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post #2 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:49 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Just to get a better idea of your marriage, how much time do you and your wife spend together doing date-like things that you both enjoy? How many hours a week?

What are the things that the two of you do?
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post #3 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

In a week, I think we spend more than 20 hours doing things together including talking, cooking, playing sports which both of us enjoy, watching movies at home, dining out sometimes during weekend. I tell her "I love you" every morning before she's out for work. I often give her affectionate hug and kiss on her forehead mostly in bed time. We rarely have argument.

I think it could be enough for such amount of time spent each week for us living together and doing at things we can connect to each other.

The point is how to increase her emotional need sexually. I heard that the worry or stress causes a reduce of sexuality. I admit that I am not kind of humorous man who can give a little joke, funny talk to women anytime he wants. That's what I can realize it may be the real cause of sexual denial.

Any other comments?
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post #4 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:24 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

I asked the question to see about the health of other parts of your relationship. It sounds like all that's good.

How old are the two of you?

Somehow, someone has to tell your wife what she needs to do to become a sexual person. It sounds like she is not in tune to her own sexuality at all.

You are going to have to let your wife know that for you the sexual part of your marriage is not going well and it badly affects you.

There are two books that might be a good start for the both of you to read. She might relate better to the first one because it's written by a woman. I would suggest that both of you read both books and talk about them.

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis


The Sexless Marriage Fix: Rescuing a Sexless Marriage and Making It All It Can Be Using This Empowering Integrative Approach by Robert M Fleisher DMD

And of course you can keep posting here. I have to get to sleep now as it's way past my bedtime. Hopefully someone will come along soon and talk to you. It's in the middle of the night in the USA and most of the people on TAM live in the USA.
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post #5 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:47 AM
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Cool Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Just a few other pertinent questions:

Were you sexually amorous with your wife prior to marriage and if so, how did it go then?

Do you have any children? Ages?

How many hours per week do either of you work outside of the home? If so, what type of work do either of you do?

Do the two of you engage in "date night" type activities, say at least on a weekly or a biweekly basis?

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #6 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:08 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

For such a young marriage to be sexless when you've described a fairly reasonable relationship with a prior healthy sex life, there must have been something to cause her to suddenly change.

I'm sure a few will say it's premature of me to make this assumption, but the first thing that came to my mind, is that she's having an affair. You need to find out if she's not having an affair with a co-worker. I know it's a hard pill to swallow because many times we put our wives on a pedestal and talk ourselves out of thinking that our special snow flake would do such a thing.

It is very common for a WW to cut off the husband sexually because they want to be loyal to who she considers her real man. Most woman are not emotionally capable of having sexual relationships with more than one man. The few that continue, usually give their husbands cold duty sex.

How is the affection level between the 2 of you? Do you ever kiss. I'm talking making out? Or is she giving you pecks?

As for not being funny or "smooth," don't let those thoughts make you doubt yourself as a man. She obviously was into you enough to marry you and the first couple of years you had a good sexual relationship. You were the same person then as you are now.
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post #7 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:08 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

What culture / ethnic group?

How is her parents' marriage? Immediate family?
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post #8 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:34 AM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

From what I've seen, this is a problem that just gets worse, not better.
My thoughts are that she just is asexual or low sex drive and there's nothing you can do about that. The other is she's having an affair, but I'd think that would manifest itself in other ways.

Does she kiss you passionately ever? Does she INITIATE any physical affection with you of any kind? If not, she's likely just no longer attracted to you. No longer in love with you. If that's the case, you probably wouldn't want to hear my advice.

It sounds like you've sat her down and discussed this problem with her and it sounds like you're getting the typical excuses and no changes.

What are you willing to do to get your needs met, which are totally reasonable?

People don't change unless forced to.
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post #9 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by terrylee View Post
In a week, I think we spend more than 20 hours doing things together including talking, cooking, playing sports which both of us enjoy, watching movies at home, dining out sometimes during weekend. I tell her "I love you" every morning before she's out for work. I often give her affectionate hug and kiss on her forehead mostly in bed time. We rarely have argument.

...The point is how to increase her emotional need sexually. I heard that the worry or stress causes a reduce of sexuality. I admit that I am not kind of humorous man who can give a little joke, funny talk to women anytime he wants. That's what I can realize it may be the real cause of sexual denial.

Any other comments?
First of all to let you know that I was once in a Sex Starved Marriage and my wife and I have worked through that with the help of a great sex therapist and a lot of introspection, hard work and change on our parts. We now have sex twice a week and as people in our late 60's that is something we can both live with, enjoy and keeps our marriage strong.

As an aside, there are things like KY Jelly, and Coconut oil to provide lube that prevent discomfort during intercourse. There are even vaginal suppository lubes.

Your spending lots and lots of time together does not mean she is getting the "right kind of time" to make her feel loved.

Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love had a profound positive impact on my Sex Starved Marriage. I learned that my wife's primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. (The 5th love language is presents.)

My biggest problem was in figuring out what my wife viewed as an act of service. I thought that if I did the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. that was an act of service. NOPE, my wife saw those as doing my fair share of the chores and yes she appreciated the extra time but it didn't result in sex for a number of reasons. First, I was doing for the purpose of having sex with her (Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, calls this a covert contract). She wasn't buying that. Also it was choirs and not an act of service.

I finally after reading Glover stopped trying to set up covert contracts and learned to provide her unconditional love with not expectations of sex in return. She could tell that. One morning I got up early, made some coffee and decided I would drink it in bed. I brought her a cup and we talked about what we were each going to do that day. This was during our sex starved marriage and I had not expectation for sex with her. We didn't have sex, but she viewed this as an act of service and quality time. For the first time in years, she felt loved in her love languages. It took months after that for us to have sex, and only with the help of a sex therapist, but she started to feel loved again.

The point is that we spent time together, I spent time doing things for her so she could rest, but none of that made her feel loved in her love languages.

You really need to read Glover's book NMMNG. Most modern men feel that they need to have all aspects of their life validated by a woman. Glover does a good job of explaining how we got conditioned that way. This codependence or being clingy is not very attractive to women in their husbands. Glover has some suggestions on how to change your life in a positive way that makes you more confident, more integrated and more attractive to women.

A companion book for men to Glover is MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. You are in a sex starved marriage. I was in one, it is horrible. MW Davis has a lot of suggestions on what you can do to change things for the better. One of the biggest is that you cannot change your wife, only she can change herself. You can change yourself by Getting a Life (Glover's more integrated man), by doing 180's (if you do something and it produces negative results try doing the opposite and see if it improves things.....if it does then reinforce the new behaviors you like with positive reinforcement.) She also advises to not be clingy and give your spouse some emotional room.

Finally, since you are in a sex starved marriage, after you have read the above books and made some changes to you life and taken some responsibility for your share of the problem (yes you own part of the problem of the lack of sex) you ask her to go with you to a sex therapist, explain to her that they are marriage counselors with extra training and that she is not broken, its that the two of you need someone to help you with this obvious problem.

That is how my sex starved marriage was saved. It is hard work and it will take months if not a year or so.....or never.

Good luck.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 03-23-2017 at 01:18 PM.
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post #10 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

It really sounds like something changed with her. You haven't been married that long to have such a dramatic change. I hope it isn't an affair or interest in someone else. It sounds like she is giving excuses though which can be fixed or at least worked on and it sounds like you are very willing to take the time and fix them. Does she still want to married? Is she still in love with you? Is she embarrassed by something that is going on with her and she can't talk about it? Before you do anything drastic, perhaps counselling might help. Women tend to be more emotional and men more physical.

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post #11 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:44 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

As a counter point to EleGirl, How is your fishing equipment? at 10 months you should have a top of the line fly rod, and some waders. You should also have some boat catalogs near the couch. You should be learning to tie your own flies.
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post #12 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsmart View Post
For such a young marriage to be sexless when you've described a fairly reasonable relationship with a prior healthy sex life, there must have been something to cause her to suddenly change.

I'm sure a few will say it's premature of me to make this assumption, but the first thing that came to my mind, is that she's having an affair. You need to find out if she's not having an affair with a co-worker. I know it's a hard pill to swallow because many times we put our wives on a pedestal and talk ourselves out of thinking that our special snow flake would do such a thing.

It is very common for a WW to cut off the husband sexually because they want to be loyal to who she considers her real man. Most woman are not emotionally capable of having sexual relationships with more than one man. The few that continue, usually give their husbands cold duty sex.

How is the affection level between the 2 of you? Do you ever kiss. I'm talking making out? Or is she giving you pecks?

As for not being funny or "smooth," don't let those thoughts make you doubt yourself as a man. She obviously was into you enough to marry you and the first couple of years you had a good sexual relationship. You were the same person then as you are now.
It ain't premature at all!

See a sex therapist and if does not improve you better go into snoop mode big time
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post #13 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you may be TOO nice.
Workout, get yourself in best shape you can be, ALWAYS.
Both of you read the 5 love languages book & take the quiz & discuss

Here is a site with many good articles for your wife - When It Hurts: Maintaining Sexual Intimacy While Dealing with Pain - The Forgiven Wife

Does your wife have any abuse in her past?

If you don't make it clear to her that this is affecting your marriage, it will get worse.
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post #14 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:44 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

I think you need to have some serious conversations about how vitally important sex is for a healthy marriage, and how by her depriving you of sex she is risking the marriage and putting temptation in your way. This could be done in marriage counseling. She needs to know how deeply unhappy you are and how serious this situation is.
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post #15 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:47 PM
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Re: Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help

This is an all too common, and very miserable situation.

Do you know if there is anything she is unhappy about in the relationship (reasonable or not). Is there anything sexual she wants from you that you don't do - again whether or not what she wants is reasonable.

When you do have sex does she enjoy it? Does she often have an orgasm? Does she tell you want she likes, or does she wait for you to figure it out?
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