In a week, I think we spend more than 20 hours doing things together including talking, cooking, playing sports which both of us enjoy, watching movies at home, dining out sometimes during weekend. I tell her "I love you" every morning before she's out for work. I often give her affectionate hug and kiss on her forehead mostly in bed time. We rarely have argument.
...The point is how to increase her emotional need sexually. I heard that the worry or stress causes a reduce of sexuality. I admit that I am not kind of humorous man who can give a little joke, funny talk to women anytime he wants. That's what I can realize it may be the real cause of sexual denial.
Any other comments?
First of all to let you know that I was once in a Sex Starved Marriage and my wife and I have worked through that with the help of a great sex therapist and a lot of introspection, hard work and change on our parts. We now have sex twice a week and as people in our late 60's that is something we can both live with, enjoy and keeps our marriage strong.
As an aside, there are things like KY Jelly, and Coconut oil to provide lube that prevent discomfort during intercourse. There are even vaginal suppository lubes.
Your spending lots and lots of time together does not mean she is getting the "right kind of time" to make her feel loved.
Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love had a profound positive impact on my Sex Starved Marriage. I learned that my wife's primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. (The 5th love language is presents.)
My biggest problem was in figuring out what my wife viewed as an act of service. I thought that if I did the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. that was an act of service. NOPE, my wife saw those as doing my fair share of the chores and yes she appreciated the extra time but it didn't result in sex for a number of reasons. First, I was doing for the purpose of having sex with her (Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, calls this a covert contract). She wasn't buying that. Also it was choirs and not an act of service.
I finally after reading Glover stopped trying to set up covert contracts and learned to provide her unconditional love with not expectations of sex in return. She could tell that. One morning I got up early, made some coffee and decided I would drink it in bed. I brought her a cup and we talked about what we were each going to do that day. This was during our sex starved marriage and I had not expectation for sex with her. We didn't have sex, but she viewed this as an act of service and quality time. For the first time in years, she felt loved in her love languages. It took months after that for us to have sex, and only with the help of a sex therapist, but she started to feel loved again. The point is that we spent time together, I spent time doing things for her so she could rest, but none of that made her feel loved in her love languages.
You really need to read Glover's book NMMNG. Most modern men feel that they need to have all aspects of their life validated by a woman. Glover does a good job of explaining how we got conditioned that way. This codependence or being clingy is not very attractive to women in their husbands. Glover has some suggestions on how to change your life in a positive way that makes you more confident, more integrated and more attractive to women.
A companion book for men to Glover is MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. You are in a sex starved marriage. I was in one, it is horrible. MW Davis has a lot of suggestions on what you can do to change things for the better. One of the biggest is that you cannot change your wife, only she can change herself.
You can change yourself by Getting a Life (Glover's more integrated man), by doing 180's (if you do something and it produces negative results try doing the opposite and see if it improves things.....if it does then reinforce the new behaviors you like with positive reinforcement.) She also advises to not be clingy and give your spouse some emotional room.
Finally, since you are in a sex starved marriage, after you have read the above books and made some changes to you life and taken some responsibility for your share of the problem (yes you own part of the problem of the lack of sex) you ask her to go with you to a sex therapist
, explain to her that they are marriage counselors with extra training and that she is not broken, its that the two of you need someone to help you with this obvious problem.
That is how my sex starved marriage was saved. It is hard work and it will take months if not a year or so.....or never.