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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:29 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

Congratulations on the 32. And here's to the next 32 days and the next and so on.

Hopefully you and your husband will be able to get back on track.



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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:45 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I disagree that whether it’s a party or at the guy’s house is inconsequential. That is my point.

Going with some guy to his house, and there was just the two of them, is very different from meeting a guy at a party (meaning there were a lot of people around).

These are very different scenarios.

But I think discussing this further is a bit of a thread jack. The OP can clarify further if she chooses.
Totally no fair to argue a point, then claim threadjack if he makes a response.
Either way,
The OP confessed. That's a big factor in my believing or not believing her. Do I wonder if there was sex? Yes. Do I believe her? I want to.

Something I see important. His gaming is addiction. My TAM comments are an addiction to me.
One I'll probably get help with pretty quick, lol.

I really think OP needs to discuss the gaming with her husband and try to realize that he doesn't want to stop gaming and likely won't. But they might find a way to get the sex going where he will want that more than the games.
I'm definitely seeing a pattern on here about those games. They are highly addictive!
Seems like the pattern is either porn, or games.
Either seem to be causing marital problems.

My suggestion is to get your husband to figure out he has a gaming addiction and it's affecting his marriage.
Apparently not even a cheating wife can get his attn off the games. He's hard core!
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Totally no fair to argue a point, then claim threadjack if he makes a response.
Either way,
The OP confessed. That's a big factor in my believing or not believing her. Do I wonder if there was sex? Yes. Do I believe her? I want to.

Something I see important. His gaming is addiction. My TAM comments are an addiction to me.
One I'll probably get help with pretty quick, lol.

I really think OP needs to discuss the gaming with her husband and try to realize that he doesn't want to stop gaming and likely won't. But they might find a way to get the sex going where he will want that more than the games.
I'm definitely seeing a pattern on here about those games. They are highly addictive!
Seems like the pattern is either porn, or games.
Either seem to be causing marital problems.

My suggestion is to get your husband to figure out he has a gaming addiction and it's affecting his marriage.
Apparently not even a cheating wife can get his attn off the games. He's hard core!
Yes gaming can be a problem in any relationship, but at the same time this could be his way of avoiding and closing himself off from the problem. I know when I first started having problems in my marriage, at the beginning I tried to talk to my wife about it and start conversations, but she never wanted to talk about it. The more it seemed she was trying to avoid the issue, the more I withdrew myself and put myself into something else. Whether it was a video game, a movie I knew she would never want to watch, or going out to do something that I knew she wouldn't want to go do. And after a while I noticed her starting to do the same. Looking back at that now, it was the stupidest thing either of us could've done, but it was a crutch.
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I made a mistake

I apologize for just now seeing all these replies. To clarify - I did not go to some guy's house and spend time with him alone. I went to a house party with the intention of just hanging out, I did not go into a bedroom or sneak off somewhere to be alone with this stranger. I did not go out that night thinking "I want to hook up with someone." You can believe whatever you want but I can rest in the fact that I know the truth. Thank you for clarifying that, EleGirl and thank you Kivlor for apologizing. I was nearly blackout drunk and began feeling very guilty and unsafe once I had crossed the line of kissing another man. THAT is why I called a cab and left. Because I am not the type of person who is comfortable doing things like this. And yet here I am.

I am NOT, nor will I ever use alcohol an excuse for my actions. I clearly have some issues to work on and it was incredibly disrespectful to my husband. It's the worst thing I have ever done in my life and I hate myself for it.

On why I did not get a polygraph - my husband and I are currently paying off debts and it's quite expensive to get one. I offered to sell my musical instruments and he accused me of trying to make him feel guilty (again, not my intention). So bottom line is he thinks a polygraph is too expensive. It's $300 in our area.

As far as his gaming habits, yes he's always been very big into gaming (started before we met). He's admitted several times that he uses gaming to cope with the fact that he hates his job and he doesn't know what to do with his life career-wise.

We do plan to go to counseling although finances will also determine how soon that will happen.

I also want to clarify that I am NOT in any way looking for pity. I am simply asking for advice on how I (knowing I can't change my husband, I can only change myself) can start to rebuild trust and what appropriate actions I can do to help my marriage heal.
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I made a mistake

I do want to add one more thing. This is an anonymous forum. I have nothing to gain from lying about what happened and everything to gain from being honest with myself and others. I kissed a guy for a few minutes out of sheer stupidity and selfishness. And then I left.

But in the end I f*cked up, whether you believe my story or not. I made the mistake and I want to do whatever I can to be the wife my husband deserves.
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by Caireen View Post
....I am NOT, nor will I ever use alcohol an excuse for my actions. I clearly have some issues to work on and it was incredibly disrespectful to my husband. It's the worst thing I have ever done in my life and I hate myself for it.

.....So bottom line is he thinks a polygraph is too expensive. It's $300 in our area.

.....We do plan to go to counseling although finances will also determine how soon that will happen.

....I am simply asking for advice on how I (knowing I can't change my husband, I can only change myself) can start to rebuild trust and what appropriate actions I can do to help my marriage heal.
You seem to have the big picture in mind.

I would urge you AND YOUR HUSBAND to join some kind of formal addiction/recovery program. AA and their various support groups for spouses comes to mind, but you might prefer something else.

As to $300 being too much, the cost of a divorce is a lot higher. Many therapists will have a sliding scale on their charges, based on how much money you make. Also many churches provide or can point you to church based marriage counseling.

Work on yourself first. Once you are clean, sober, and put back together, you can work on your marriage.

Good luck.
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by Caireen View Post
I apologize for just now seeing all these replies. To clarify - I did not go to some guy's house and spend time with him alone. I went to a house party with the intention of just hanging out, I did not go into a bedroom or sneak off somewhere to be alone with this stranger. I did not go out that night thinking "I want to hook up with someone." You can believe whatever you want but I can rest in the fact that I know the truth. Thank you for clarifying that, EleGirl and thank you Kivlor for apologizing. I was nearly blackout drunk and began feeling very guilty and unsafe once I had crossed the line of kissing another man. THAT is why I called a cab and left. Because I am not the type of person who is comfortable doing things like this. And yet here I am.

I am NOT, nor will I ever use alcohol an excuse for my actions. I clearly have some issues to work on and it was incredibly disrespectful to my husband. It's the worst thing I have ever done in my life and I hate myself for it.

On why I did not get a polygraph - my husband and I are currently paying off debts and it's quite expensive to get one. I offered to sell my musical instruments and he accused me of trying to make him feel guilty (again, not my intention). So bottom line is he thinks a polygraph is too expensive. It's $300 in our area.

As far as his gaming habits, yes he's always been very big into gaming (started before we met). He's admitted several times that he uses gaming to cope with the fact that he hates his job and he doesn't know what to do with his life career-wise.

We do plan to go to counseling although finances will also determine how soon that will happen.

I also want to clarify that I am NOT in any way looking for pity. I am simply asking for advice on how I (knowing I can't change my husband, I can only change myself) can start to rebuild trust and what appropriate actions I can do to help my marriage heal.
A few thoughts on this...

1. The concern is that most men in your H's shoes won't view what happened as a mistake, they'll look at it as if there was intent. If your H feels this way it poses issues for fixing your relationship and it would be important to be aware of that.
2. I'd lay off of the polygraph. Your H doesn't seem interested, and scratching at this is only irritating him further apparently. You can come back to it later if that is an option.
3. How long has he had his job? How long has he hated it? Is there a reason he hates his work?
4. You can't change your H, but you can do things to encourage that he try to help heal your marriage, and himself. That is probably going to be necessary. He is retreating. A lot of people, once they hole up, will build walls around themselves, and this will make fixing your M a lot harder, as you'll have to convince him to open the gates.

Can you answer some questions about your H: What is his relationship with his parents like? How does he treat them? How do they treat him?
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivlor View Post
A few thoughts on this...

1. The concern is that most men in your H's shoes won't view what happened as a mistake, they'll look at it as if there was intent. If your H feels this way it poses issues for fixing your relationship and it would be important to be aware of that.
This is a common feeling.

The down side of trying to convince him otherwise, may be a pendulum to the other side, i.e. you had no intent but you are easy, (and I don't think that is true), but its an AWALT mindset, a few breadcrumbs and you will follow the right guy into bed. The right words, the right touches and you can't say no.

Either way his trust in you, and his respect for you takes a hit.

Personally I think continuing down the path of self discovery, healing and growing is the best way to deal with this.

If you are doing it for you, and he can see that independent determination, your words will come to carry more weight when you gently, and kindly speak the truth. It will take some time, and it may make him feel insecure, but you stand to rebuilt some trust and respect that way.

This will also help you resist and call out (gently) any of the manipulation mentioned above, which would prove to be very toxic for you.

But for your own sake you can't keep making destructive choices. So congratulations on your current success. I m glad for you.

I can see the sincerity in what you wrote, and I really wish you well.

Take care.

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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:22 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

Take care of yourself and you are trying to stop an addition.


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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:30 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

@Caireen

You seriously equating being an alcoholic and cheating on him to playing video games?

Maybe you should stop making excuses and take some accountability. Your post is riddled with them.

If you don't like the gaming, then you should of issued an ultimatum or left him but you didn't.

The fact that you instead choose to get wasted and make out with a dude is 100% ON YOU.


Was he a gamer when you met him and started dating? I already know the answer is yes.

Most gamers get into videogames in their childhoods, so you KNEW this is who he was.

So now you want him to change and stop. Do you really think you're being fair? I don't.

You can't change people, you can only change yourself and decide what YOU will tolerate.


Look, if all you honestly did was get drunk and make out with a dude and not to minimize that.

But I still think the relationship is salvageable. But you BOTH have to do a lot of heavy lifting.

You need to take 100% ownership and stop blame shifting the gaming. It has nothing to do with it.

He does need to stop the gaming but he has to WANT to stop. He needs to hit rock bottom for that.

If rock bottom is him losing you than so be it. But it has to be a decision HE makes, not you forcing him.


“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caireen View Post
I do want to add one more thing. This is an anonymous forum. I have nothing to gain from lying about what happened and everything to gain from being honest with myself and others. I kissed a guy for a few minutes out of sheer stupidity and selfishness. And then I left.

But in the end I f*cked up, whether you believe my story or not. I made the mistake and I want to do whatever I can to be the wife my husband deserves.
My suggestion would be to stop using this word with your husband. A mistake is like an accident, has no intention, it's something that happens out of your control. What you did is something wrong, deliberately and intentionally. You need to own that in order for him to forgive you. Saying it's a mistake and accident probably only makes him question when the next mistake will come. What he needs to hear is you did wrong, knew it was wrong, and want to make amends for it. That's something tangible to work toward. This will go a long way I think to show him you are telling the truth about what happend.
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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by harrybrown View Post
if you found out that he "kissed" or made out with another woman, how would your feel?
I know if it were me, I'd be shocked that he actually got off his lazy worthless ass and did anything at ALL considering he feels entitled to dump all the domestic chores on the OP's shoulders while he sits on his dead ass playing his childish games hour after hour after hour after hour ....

So, I'd have to be shocked that he actually got off his lazy ass.

That's what I would think.
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

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But in the end I f*cked up, whether you believe my story or not. I made the mistake and I want to do whatever I can to be the wife my husband deserves.
Except for your problem with alcohol (which he had no problem with), you already WERE the wife he 'deserves' before this incident. Actually, he deserved a lot less - someone who didn't do a damned thing around the house and sat on her dead ass all night playing with her phone just like HE does every night with his games. And of course, you would have needed to be completely detached from him like he's been with you.

THAT'S the wife he 'deserved' before this.

He needs to actually bring something to the table before you turn yourself into a trained seal jumping all over the place to please him.
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

I just want to say, I am proud of you for your honesty with your husband, and also that you took the seriousness of this to heart, and made a huge change. Being clean and sober for over a month is a big accomplishment. Being honest about something he would have never known about should at some point draw you closer, maybe after the hurt isn't so fresh.

I can see that this is a mistake. I rarely drink, but the time I drank too much, something bad could have easily happend, because I was VERY impaired...the next day I was trying hard to piece together what had happened, it was a terrible feeling. I decided that would never happen to me again. Fortunately I was with my husband and he protected me. So yes, I do understand why you describe it as such.

The $300 is worth it for your marriage. Be proactive, sell what you need too, you can always buy it again. If you are in love with your husband and feel your marriage can be a good one, do whatever you need to do to try to save it. Your monthly expenses should be a lot less now that you are not buying alcohol, so you should be able to recoup the $300 quickly.

I have personally never dealt with addiction or had it in my family, but it sounds like you both have the tendency, you with alcohol and him with games. I can't really give any good advice on this, because I haven't lived it. My cousins marriage was ruined because her husband was a gamer, and it was all he did. It was SO sad, and made no sense to any of us. She spent 10 years trying, to no avail. So I have seen gaming first hand ruin a marriage to a wonderful woman. So hopefully he can grow up, and put gaming in its proper place.

I wish you peace and happiness.

Ciao,

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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:55 AM
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Re: I made a mistake

Find a local women's only AA group and start attending three times a week.

Get the 12 Step book. Work it.

Get a sponsor and work with her.

Work the program. If you do the program it will work.
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