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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy I made a mistake

My husband and I have been married for 6 months, and we dated for 6 years before we got married. We have always been 100% faithful and honest with each other and he is my best friend.

I want to give a little background but please know that I am not making excuses for anything I've done. For the past 3-4 years I have had a huge dependency on alcohol for dealing with my mental and emotional problems. I was sexually abused as a child, went to trial and put my abuser behind bars. As a result I made some pretty awful decisions up until early adulthood (hanging with the wrong crowd, fighting with my family, lying to people I love, using drugs, etc). When I met my (now) husband I turned my life completely around...and then alcohol addiction crept back in.

My friends, family, and my husband all knew I drank a lot but kind of just acted like "that's how she is, she's a lush." My husband drinks often but he drinks socially, and he knows his limit. He doesn't use it as a crutch like I do. No one has ever openly accused me of having a problem because I hide my addiction very well. For the past year or so I've come home from work to my husband playing video games and I would get right to drinking and cleaning the house. This has become our habit. I've confronted him in the past about how his gaming makes me feel isolated and alone, how our sex life has suffered as a result of his gaming, and how I feel like I'm overwhelmed with all the things that I have to get done and I have no time for my own hobbies. He's either responded by telling me I'm overreacting, or admitting that I'm right and then returning to hardcore gaming days later. Again, I'm sure my drinking played a huge role in my own problems but no one ever said anything.

Fast forward to last month. I went out of town for my best friend's bachelorette party. My husband and I were having disagreements throughout the weekend. One night I got extremely drunk and a group of people asked if I wanted to go to a house party. I wanted to keep drinking and partying so I said yes. I went back to these strangers' house and ended up making out with a random guy for a few minutes. Why? Because I was flattered. It felt good for someone to notice me, to want me. But then I immediately felt terrible, called for a cab, and went back to the hotel.

At first I wasn't going to tell my husband when I got home. I asked myself why I would make him feel terrible just to ease my own guilt over one big mistake. But after a couple of days I couldn't stand keeping a secret from him (again, we've always been 100% honest with each other - aside from my secret drinking habits). I couldn't eat or sleep knowing that I betrayed his trust.

I confessed what had happened, at first keeping out details until he dragged it all out of me. Of course, he didn't believe it stopped at kissing (which it did, I have no reason to lie here). He believes I probably slept with the guy. I told him I'd do anything to prove I'm being honest - take a lie detector test, whatever it takes. I also promised to quit drinking. I've been sober for 32 days now. I've never been sober for more than a day or 2 since I turned twenty one. Turns out everyone knew I had a problem and didn't know how to confront me.

I love my husband so much. We've both admitted to dealing with our mental and emotional issues by using distractions - me with my drinking and him with his gaming. The only problem is, while I've stopped drinking and I'm trying to rebuild trust, he's still gaming with any free time he has. It's like I barely exist. I don't know if he's just trying to avoid me and avoid the painful rebuilding of our relationship, or if he just doesn't care anymore. I don't know how to talk to him about how this makes me feel without having my mistake thrown in my face. I feel like it'd be hypocritical or insensitive for me to point out that I need more from him when I've betrayed him.

I don't want our marriage to get worse, I want to make it better. I want him to see me the way that he used to. I just don't know what I can do to move us forward, or if I need to be patient right now and let him call the shots. Please help.

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

Give it some time....he's pissed. Don't be pushy or needy of him but continue your normal day to day activities, minus the drinking of course. Don't talk about what happened but try to start small conversations about little day to day things, and things going on in your life. If he doesn't want to seem to talk, don't push it, walk away and try again the next day. Let him see that you have changed or are trying to make a positive change without throwing it in his face. He may not see it right away, but he will see it. And the more he sees it, the more likely it will be that he'll want to start to take down the wall he's built between the two of you.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by Caireen View Post
My husband and I have been married for 6 months, and we dated for 6 years before we got married. We have always been 100% faithful and honest with each other and he is my best friend.

......For the past 3-4 years I have had a huge dependency on alcohol for dealing with my mental and emotional problems. I was sexually abused as a child, went to trial and put my abuser behind bars. As a result I made some pretty awful decisions up until early adulthood (hanging with the wrong crowd, fighting with my family, lying to people I love, using drugs, etc). When I met my (now) husband I turned my life completely around...and then alcohol addiction crept back in.

My friends, family, and my husband all knew I drank a lot but kind of just acted like "that's how she is, she's a lush." My husband drinks often but he drinks socially, and he knows his limit. He doesn't use it as a crutch like I do. No one has ever openly accused me of having a problem because I hide my addiction very well. For the past year or so I've come home from work to my husband playing video games and I would get right to drinking and cleaning the house. This has become our habit. I've confronted him in the past about how his gaming makes me feel isolated and alone, how our sex life has suffered as a result of his gaming, and how I feel like I'm overwhelmed with all the things that I have to get done and I have no time for my own hobbies. He's either responded by telling me I'm overreacting, or admitting that I'm right and then returning to hardcore gaming days later. Again, I'm sure my drinking played a huge role in my own problems but no one ever said anything.


..... I went out of town for my best friend's bachelorette party. My husband and I were having disagreements throughout the weekend. One night I got extremely drunk and a group of people asked if I wanted to go to a house party. I wanted to keep drinking and partying so I said yes. I went back to these strangers' house and ended up making out with a random guy for a few minutes....


.....I couldn't eat or sleep knowing that I betrayed his trust.

I confessed what had happened,..... He believes I probably slept with the guy. I told him I'd do anything to prove I'm being honest - take a lie detector test, whatever it takes. I also promised to quit drinking. I've been sober for 32 days now. I've never been sober for more than a day or 2 since I turned twenty one. Turns out everyone knew I had a problem and didn't know how to confront me.

I love my husband so much. We've both admitted to dealing with our mental and emotional issues by using distractions - me with my drinking and him with his gaming. The only problem is, while I've stopped drinking and I'm trying to rebuild trust, he's still gaming with any free time he has.

.....I don't want our marriage to get worse, I want to make it better. .
Some serious issues.

First, you have an addiction problem and 32 days sober is a very very good start. Well Done!

If you read the above closely, I see you trying to blame your addiction problem on others, your husband and the trauma caused by the man that abused you.

I also see you as wanting to make your husband change. You can't make him change, only he can make himself change in regards to his gaming.

In a really strong marriage, your husband, if he knew you had an addiction problem would not allow alcohol in the house and would not drink in front of you or at all. That way he would be supportive of your managing your addiction. You need to talk to him about this, hopefully with a marriage counselor so that your temptation to fall off the wagon is reduced.

Likewise, you can't require your husband to keep you from drinking. He can't change you, only you can change yourself and manage your addiction.

You did something that destroyed the trust your husband had in you, even if you say it only involved making out. Even making out is not being a faithful wife. Now it is up to the both of your to reconcile and rebuild your relationship and trust.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell your husband that you have stopped drinking, you are truly appalled at your addiction, how you hid it from him, and what you did at that "bachelorette party." I would also tell him that you need his help in staying off of alcohol and in rebuilding his trust in you and your marriage. As such you would like the two of you to go to marriage counseling or see a sex therapist so that you can get yourself together to be the kind of wife he deserves and you want to be. I sort of think that a marriage counselor would be the better choice, except for your child abuse issues, that could be a very significant cause of your addiction issues. As such probably a sex therapist (a marriage counselor with extra training) who has some addiction training experience is your best choice for professional help.

Good luck
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

Congrats on being sober! Keep it up.

There's another thread that was started about a couple that's dealing with a huge gaming addiction on the husbands part. There are kids involved in that one. Maybe reading that thread can help you get a little perspective on your situation as well. Your infidelity definitely throws a monkey wrench in it though.

Now that you're dealing with your addiction head on, you'll have to ask your husband to recognize his & deal with his addiction. It'll start with a heart to heart about how this has been affecting you for a long time. Maybe you can two can come up with a compromise?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

I'm thinking that your H will just use your indiscretion at the party as a reason not to talk to you and to just keep gaming. Now he figures you have no reason to be mad at him for gaming. It's sad but I don't think he'll give you any props for staying sober. He should be in your corner helping you instead of being off in his own little world.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caireen View Post
Please help.
Not sure if I can help, but an important thing to realize is that it is not about right or wrong, but instead coming to terms and learning to accept and love one another despite the fact that neither of you are perfect. No one is perfect for that matter. It sounds as if you two have even addressed that verbally, but not in practice.

So in order for you to love and accept your husband and help him feel that way, you will first have to make sure that you love and accept yourself just as you are. Perhaps his imperfections are helping highlight this for you at the moment as he ignores you to play video games. You feel uncomfortable perhaps because you are not happy with yourself. Perhaps he feels uncomfortable because he can't help you with that part.

Once again, no one is perfect. It is easy to love someone that is easy to love like a cute baby kitten:



It is not so easy to love someone like a messy cat that enjoys tearing things up:



Eventually such a cat may feel as though the world has given up



and this cat may wonder who loves him



and he may go to stare out a window and find a familiar reflection staring back at him



and he will make a silly face and cheer himself up only to notice how handsome he is when he smiles. And then you can go hug your lovable idiot husband because you too will realize he is an idiot, but at least he is handsome one when he smiles!



And so are you!

Cheers,
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by Caireen View Post
My husband and I have been married for 6 months, and we dated for 6 years before we got married. We have always been 100% faithful and honest with each other and he is my best friend.

I want to give a little background but please know that I am not making excuses for anything I've done. For the past 3-4 years I have had a huge dependency on alcohol for dealing with my mental and emotional problems. I was sexually abused as a child, went to trial and put my abuser behind bars. As a result I made some pretty awful decisions up until early adulthood (hanging with the wrong crowd, fighting with my family, lying to people I love, using drugs, etc). When I met my (now) husband I turned my life completely around...and then alcohol addiction crept back in.

My friends, family, and my husband all knew I drank a lot but kind of just acted like "that's how she is, she's a lush." My husband drinks often but he drinks socially, and he knows his limit. He doesn't use it as a crutch like I do. No one has ever openly accused me of having a problem because I hide my addiction very well. For the past year or so I've come home from work to my husband playing video games and I would get right to drinking and cleaning the house. This has become our habit. I've confronted him in the past about how his gaming makes me feel isolated and alone, how our sex life has suffered as a result of his gaming, and how I feel like I'm overwhelmed with all the things that I have to get done and I have no time for my own hobbies. He's either responded by telling me I'm overreacting, or admitting that I'm right and then returning to hardcore gaming days later. Again, I'm sure my drinking played a huge role in my own problems but no one ever said anything.

Fast forward to last month. I went out of town for my best friend's bachelorette party. My husband and I were having disagreements throughout the weekend. One night I got extremely drunk and a group of people asked if I wanted to go to a house party. I wanted to keep drinking and partying so I said yes. I went back to these strangers' house and ended up making out with a random guy for a few minutes. Why? Because I was flattered. It felt good for someone to notice me, to want me. But then I immediately felt terrible, called for a cab, and went back to the hotel.

At first I wasn't going to tell my husband when I got home. I asked myself why I would make him feel terrible just to ease my own guilt over one big mistake. But after a couple of days I couldn't stand keeping a secret from him (again, we've always been 100% honest with each other - aside from my secret drinking habits). I couldn't eat or sleep knowing that I betrayed his trust.

I confessed what had happened, at first keeping out details until he dragged it all out of me. Of course, he didn't believe it stopped at kissing (which it did, I have no reason to lie here). He believes I probably slept with the guy. I told him I'd do anything to prove I'm being honest - take a lie detector test, whatever it takes. I also promised to quit drinking. I've been sober for 32 days now. I've never been sober for more than a day or 2 since I turned twenty one. Turns out everyone knew I had a problem and didn't know how to confront me.

I love my husband so much. We've both admitted to dealing with our mental and emotional issues by using distractions - me with my drinking and him with his gaming. The only problem is, while I've stopped drinking and I'm trying to rebuild trust, he's still gaming with any free time he has. It's like I barely exist. I don't know if he's just trying to avoid me and avoid the painful rebuilding of our relationship, or if he just doesn't care anymore. I don't know how to talk to him about how this makes me feel without having my mistake thrown in my face. I feel like it'd be hypocritical or insensitive for me to point out that I need more from him when I've betrayed him.

I don't want our marriage to get worse, I want to make it better. I want him to see me the way that he used to. I just don't know what I can do to move us forward, or if I need to be patient right now and let him call the shots. Please help.
Yikes.

What was your Husband using the gaming to distract himself from, and why? (previously to the situation you've created)

I want to point out that you've given your H a reason to withdraw further into his games, so expecting that to change is probably a pipe dream at the moment. He was already using video games as a coping mechanism for some sort of problem. And now he's got the very serious problem of a cheating wife to avoid. Expect that to get worse before it gets better.

You're going to have to work hard to win back his trust if the marriage is going to survive. And FYI, there's no way he's going to buy that you didn't sleep with the guy. No one is. You went to his house drunk and in secret, made out, and left? No self-respecting husband would ever believe that more didn't happen, regardless of what the truth is. Even if you can repair your relationship, you're likely to have him forever believing you probably did have sex with some other man. And that's going to be a pretty hard thing for a guy to get over.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:54 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by Kivlor View Post
Yikes.

What was your Husband using the gaming to distract himself from, and why? (previously to the situation you've created)

I want to point out that you've given your H a reason to withdraw further into his games, so expecting that to change is probably a pipe dream at the moment. He was already using video games as a coping mechanism for some sort of problem. And now he's got the very serious problem of a cheating wife to avoid. Expect that to get worse before it gets better.

You're going to have to work hard to win back his trust if the marriage is going to survive. And FYI, there's no way he's going to buy that you didn't sleep with the guy. No one is. You went to his house drunk and in secret, made out, and left? No self-respecting husband would ever believe that more didn't happen, regardless of what the truth is. Even if you can repair your relationship, you're likely to have him forever believing you probably did have sex with some other man. And that's going to be a pretty hard thing for a guy to get over.
The OP did not say that she went to the guy's house. She went to a party at someone's house and made out with some guy who was a guest at that party. Nowhere did she say that it was in secret.

I was waiting for this post, the first one that calls the OP a liar and says that they do not believe that she did not have sex with the guy.

It was a party, there might not have even been a place at that house to have sex.

What the OP says happened is completely possible.

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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:59 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

if you found out that he "kissed" or made out with another woman, how would your feel?

For your husband, he thinks that you had sex with the other guy.
Schedule a polygraph test for him, that you will take.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caireen View Post
My husband and I have been married for 6 months, and we dated for 6 years before we got married. We have always been 100% faithful and honest with each other and he is my best friend.

I want to give a little background but please know that I am not making excuses for anything I've done. For the past 3-4 years I have had a huge dependency on alcohol for dealing with my mental and emotional problems. I was sexually abused as a child, went to trial and put my abuser behind bars. As a result I made some pretty awful decisions up until early adulthood (hanging with the wrong crowd, fighting with my family, lying to people I love, using drugs, etc). When I met my (now) husband I turned my life completely around...and then alcohol addiction crept back in.

My friends, family, and my husband all knew I drank a lot but kind of just acted like "that's how she is, she's a lush." My husband drinks often but he drinks socially, and he knows his limit. He doesn't use it as a crutch like I do. No one has ever openly accused me of having a problem because I hide my addiction very well. For the past year or so I've come home from work to my husband playing video games and I would get right to drinking and cleaning the house. This has become our habit. I've confronted him in the past about how his gaming makes me feel isolated and alone, how our sex life has suffered as a result of his gaming, and how I feel like I'm overwhelmed with all the things that I have to get done and I have no time for my own hobbies. He's either responded by telling me I'm overreacting, or admitting that I'm right and then returning to hardcore gaming days later. Again, I'm sure my drinking played a huge role in my own problems but no one ever said anything.

Fast forward to last month. I went out of town for my best friend's bachelorette party. My husband and I were having disagreements throughout the weekend. One night I got extremely drunk and a group of people asked if I wanted to go to a house party. I wanted to keep drinking and partying so I said yes. I went back to these strangers' house and ended up making out with a random guy for a few minutes. Why? Because I was flattered. It felt good for someone to notice me, to want me. But then I immediately felt terrible, called for a cab, and went back to the hotel.

At first I wasn't going to tell my husband when I got home. I asked myself why I would make him feel terrible just to ease my own guilt over one big mistake. But after a couple of days I couldn't stand keeping a secret from him (again, we've always been 100% honest with each other - aside from my secret drinking habits). I couldn't eat or sleep knowing that I betrayed his trust.

I confessed what had happened, at first keeping out details until he dragged it all out of me. Of course, he didn't believe it stopped at kissing (which it did, I have no reason to lie here). He believes I probably slept with the guy. I told him I'd do anything to prove I'm being honest - take a lie detector test, whatever it takes. I also promised to quit drinking. I've been sober for 32 days now. I've never been sober for more than a day or 2 since I turned twenty one. Turns out everyone knew I had a problem and didn't know how to confront me.

I love my husband so much. We've both admitted to dealing with our mental and emotional issues by using distractions - me with my drinking and him with his gaming. The only problem is, while I've stopped drinking and I'm trying to rebuild trust, he's still gaming with any free time he has. It's like I barely exist. I don't know if he's just trying to avoid me and avoid the painful rebuilding of our relationship, or if he just doesn't care anymore. I don't know how to talk to him about how this makes me feel without having my mistake thrown in my face. I feel like it'd be hypocritical or insensitive for me to point out that I need more from him when I've betrayed him.

I don't want our marriage to get worse, I want to make it better. I want him to see me the way that he used to. I just don't know what I can do to move us forward, or if I need to be patient right now and let him call the shots. Please help.
Sadly your husband is probably not going to change his mind. I note that he did not take you up on the polygraph. Did he say why?

It might be that to him, making out is one line too far to cross.

Or he might just need time to process this.

You cannot change your husband. He does not believe you. Does he often not believe the things you tell him?
He's put up a wall. Just let him know that when he is ready to look over that wall and talk to you, you will be there... if he does not take too long. You have to decide how long you will put up with him doing this.

At this point, you need to focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. You are trying to stop an addition. You will most likely hit bumps in the road so do what you need to do keep yourself on the road to recovery.

At some point, if your husband does not come back around and start dealing with this, you might decide that your only choice is divorce.


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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:03 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
The OP did not say that she went to the guy's house. She went to a party at someone's house and made out with some guy who was a guest at that party. Nowhere did she say that it was in secret.

I was waiting for this post, the first one that calls the OP a liar and says that they do not believe that she did not have sex with the guy.

It was a party, there might not have even been a place at that house to have sex.

What the OP says happened is completely possible.
It certainly was in secret from her husband. That it was at the house party or at the guys house is pretty inconsequential to what I said. It doesn't change any of the problems I pointed out.

Thanks for the correction though.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

You were right to be honest with him, OP. It is sad that he did not respond with empathy and compassion, though, and just continued with his intensive gaming.

I know you say you love him. But working on yourself, and letting the chips fall with the marriage, may be the healthiest thing you can do, for both of you.

Are you in counseling?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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It certainly was in secret from her husband. That it was at the house party or at the guys house is pretty inconsequential to what I said. It doesn't change any of the problems I pointed out.

Thanks for the correction though.
I disagree that whether it’s a party or at the guy’s house is inconsequential. That is my point.

Going with some guy to his house, and there was just the two of them, is very different from meeting a guy at a party (meaning there were a lot of people around).

These are very different scenarios.

But I think discussing this further is a bit of a thread jack. The OP can clarify further if she chooses.

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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

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I disagree that whether it’s a party or at the guy’s house is inconsequential. That is my point.

Going with some guy to his house, and there was just the two of them, is very different from meeting a guy at a party (meaning there were a lot of people around).

These are very different scenarios.

But I think discussing this further is a bit of a thread jack. The OP can clarify further if she chooses.
I just want to clarify that I think it's certainly important to OP's story, whether she went to another guy's house after the party, or made out with a guy at the party, which I misread in her post. What I meant is that it doesn't change my advice, or my questions.

I want to apologize to OP for my mistake, because it could cause others to read wrong into her thread, and give bad advice.

OP is in a very bad situation. Particularly with her having an alcohol addiction.

But you're right, we're kind of thread-jacking. I'll drop it too.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: I made a mistake

Congratulations for being sober for 32 days and coming clean about your dalliance!

You sound like a strong woman that has overcome a lot in her life.

Unfortunately your husband may not be mature enough to be emotionally engaged with you on a level that you need.

Has he always gamed this much?

He is filling a void that should be filled by interaction with you and other, more productive pursuits.

Gaming in moderation isn't a hassle but he is losing you, whether you realize it or not, by being a gaming addict.

Please respond to our posts?
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