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Need advice about spouse wanting to leave

5K views 46 replies 12 participants last post by  naturepeacelove 
#1 · (Edited)
going to try to make this as short as possible while still giving important details...

last week my husband broke down and told he was no longer happy with our marriage. Now, we have had a rough past few years. We have been together for 9 years, married for almost 6. no kids, just animals. He took a job a few years back that requires him to work 7 days a week. He can ask for weekends off, but sometimes get denied. hubby says he doesnt mind his job although I feel the monotony of it has really taken a toll on the both of us. he makes great money, great benefits, cadillac insurance, the whole bit. however, this has caused a tremendous amount of boredom and neediness on my part because I never see him. I even quit my job last year (for a few reasons, but mainly to be able to see him more)so that I could find a job that allowed me to see him more often, as he is a second shifter.

I do have emotional issues that stemmed from childhood. and they do interfere with our marriage. I have been seeing a counselor for them, as well as going together for marital counseling, since his first small "coming out" that he was having doubts last summer after I quit my job. I have made huge progress with my anxiety and depression, and even he says he has seen me make huge strides....

fast forward to last week, the breakdown- he is unhappy with me. I nag, I smother him, I make him feel guilty for wanting to hang out with his friends after work, I snap at him for the smallest things, etc. etc. He made sure to point out every difference we have as far as interests, hobbies, etc., which i admit, we have both grown and changed as people, and even though some of our interests have changed somewhat, we do still have similar interests. But according to him we are incompatible because of those changes. when he is home, his time is spent sleeping, immersed in his phone or the tv. I get no quality time with him. I don't get my needs met, hence why I have been nagging. I know, vicious cycle. long story short, he agreed to stick around and give it another shot. he's been checked out of the marriage for a while and says that I'll have to be patient with him to "check back in" but is scared that it won't come back for him. we both sought counseling on our own accords (he surprisingly went on his own, no push from me).

After my counseling appointment we sat down to establish what he wanted from me- he said he didn't want us to separate, he didnt mind me sleeping in the same bed, he really didn't want much to change, but said he's just going to be emotionally unavailable for a while until he can get his emotions in order, and that I would just have to accept it.

I've gone through the stage of denial, shock, complete sadness, crying....to now anger. when we first started dating, and before he proposed, we lived together. he knew i had anxiety issues, he knew that I was an introvert, he knew everything about me and accepted me for who I was. now I feel disposable. even through these last few rough years of not only him but me not having my needs met, I still love and adore him.

since the bomb, I have not nagged once. I have talked to him kindly, I stay quiet when he's not being very nice, I have even "put myself out there" for intimacy (because that has lacked, tremendously) and we have been intimate a few times the last week but he also rejected me more than he accepted. I have been doing things that he enjoys even though I dont (hes a huge tv watcher, i am not, I've made it a point to sit down and watch with him).

He has started coming back around - a kiss here, a hug there, started calling me by my pet name again- but still wont say I love you. as a matter of fact, most of his communication with me has been almost like hes talking to a buddy and not his wife. I guess my question is- should I give him some space and ghost for awhile? If he sees me as needy I don't want to be around so much. Should I take these little signs as he's starting to come around? am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I'm really hurt and want this marriage more than anything, and I am so disappointed in both of us for letting it get this bad....:(
 
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#3 ·
He's still there so that's good because it makes it far more possible to fix things.

Now how do you fix things? Here are some books to read.

The first two are for you to read.

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands Laura Schlessinger

The next two are for the two of you to read and work through. Read them in the order listed. However, I suggest that you read them first as this will help you figure out what to do. Then, after you have read them, ask him to read them with you and do the work they suggest together.

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"


See the links in my signature block below to find the books.
 
#4 ·
Now, I have some questions to help get a better picture of things.

How old are the two of you?

How many hour a week does he work? Does he really have to work 7 days a week? What industry allows this?

When you were working, what percentage of your joint income did you earn?

Do you have any intent to go back to work at any time?

To get more time with him, is it at all possible for you to go to where he works with dinner? Or to just spend some break time with him?

One thing you really need to do through all this is to focus a lot on taking care of yourself. It really is essential that you do this. What sort of things do you do now for yourself? Do you have friends and family that you do things with? What kind of a support system do you have?
 
#12 ·
I am 33, he is 30. he works 8 hours a day (3-11pm) 7 days a week. he can ask for weekends off, but they have to be approved, and sometimes his requests get denied. it is a very well known company. When i was previously working at my original job, I was making less than half what he makes, currently I am working part time (asking for more hours) and I make even less than that now. I can't be with him at his breaks. I can stand outside the gates and bring him lunch, but thats about it. Even if I did bring him lunch, at this point i fear he would think I'm just trying to smother him more. I'm just frustrated because He says he wants to check back into this marriage, but he has not done ONE thing to help. I have done all the changing, the tip toeing, I have spent many hours watching pointless tv with him because thats what he enjoys, I have not said an unkind word to him since he dropped the bomb. I have owned up to all my mistakes that have created the situation we are in and have already begun making the necessary changes to make things better.
 
#5 ·
This whole thing is EXTREMELY one-sided.

It's all about him threatening to leave you and you suddenly jumping through hoops like a trained seal, desperately doing anything you can to keep him from leaving.

How long can you keep this charade up before you start growing weary - and more importantly, RESENTFUL - of pandering to him 24/7? Because you will. That's a promise.
 
#6 ·
:iagree:

This looks like a very shaky dynamic to me, OP.

While a "soft start up," as marriage researcher John Gottman calls it, can be helpful for initiating difficult discussions with a husband (from Gottman's research findings: Relationship Fights - YouBeauty.com), eventually issues have to be looked at. And that can be painful.

Has your counselor discussed the possibility of life without your husband at all?

Any of us can lose a spouse at any time, not only through divorce, but through unexpected death. Learning to independently shore ourselves up and developing coping strategies to deal with life on our own, whatever happens in life, can prove helpful.
 
#15 ·
My intuition tells me there isnt another woman. I have access to the phone bill and he knows I have checked it in the past, but no i have not checked in recently.

what do you mean did he avoid confrontation? you mean about telling me he wasn't happy? He said he had been putting off telling me because he knew it would hurt me. He said that he had just been bottling it all up inside for so long that he had to get it off his chest. He said that last thing he wanted to do was to break my heart, and it was killing him to think that what he had to say would hurt me. (this was all during the bomb drop, as he was sobbing uncontrollably). also, I feel like he would have told our therapist in his private session with him. the therapist was pretty convinced that we could make things work, and I am pretty sure that he had asked my husband if there was another woman when they were one on one. for the record, I do not check his phone or his email. I have given him his privacy because in the past i was very nosy, due to a bad experience in a previous relationship. this made him angry, making him feel like he was not a trustworthy person, so I decided that I would stop that behavior, and haven't checked anything of his in a few years.
 
#8 ·
What does your counselor say about the situation?

My take from the little bit you've posted is that you are not getting what you need out of this relationship. Despite whatever good qualities he had which attracted you in the first place, and for whatever reasons along the way, this marriage has become a very unhappy place for you. He doesn't have to be a terrible person for your marriage to not work.

He is who he is, and you are who you are. If it turns out you two are not compatible in a marriage, it just is what it is. If you end the marriage it does not make either one of you a bad person or a failure. Ultimately you will both be ok if it comes to that, though I hope it doesn't.

I think you should set a relatively short timeline to see very strong changes in the marriage. Maybe 3 months. I would talk to your counselor about recommending a marriage counselor, and I would discuss whether it makes sense for your current counselor to discuss (confidentially) with the MC about whatever your individual issues are. Idk if that is common or smart, just throwing it out there as something to ask your counselor about.

I think you need a lot more guidance than we can provide or that even a book can provide. The reason is that it will take two of you working on it to make the marriage work. You can't do it alone, and you cannot do his part for him. MC will provide a structure and accountability. It will also make it clear quickly if he is willing and able to make the efforts necessary.
 
#10 ·
Our counselor is a marriage counselor. he is working with us on getting our foundation back online and getting him "checked back in" so to speak. I feel like we made a little progress on friday while we were there together, I did admit to some problems I had and husband said he wanted to work on getting checked back into the marriage. He went out last night with some coworkers for some drinks, and today has been really awkward. my grandparents have dinner at their house every sunday and its a ritual that we go. When we got up this morning he had asked if we were going, and I wasnt too keen on it since i am feeling under the weather, but he gave me the impression that he wanted to go, so I agreed to. the entire time we were there, he completely ignored me. was very quiet, talked with my family some and played with the kids some but stayed pretty much reserved. didn't attempt to even sit close to me at lunch, even though both chairs were open next to me. I decided I was going to take off because we had to drive separate so he could go to work from there, we got out to our car and I went to get in my car and he stood there and said "okay, i guess bye?" like he wanted a hug. I said "well, you've kinda been giving me the impression you were wanting to stay away from me all day.." he said "no i wasnt" and gave me a hug and kiss. ????? what the H***? i gave him his space last night, I never texted him once to see when he was going to be home, I didn't wait up for him, I just let him be, which is what he has been wanting. I'm so frustrated.
 
#20 ·
Not trying to be the thought police here, but he doesn't necessary need an active other woman to convince him he wants out.
He could just be admiring one from afar, and thinking that the alternative is better than what he is currently dealing with.

In other words, he may not be cheating, but his mind may still be wandering. Even that may be enough to convince him that he's done.

Grass is greener... etc.

Just a thought.
 
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#32 ·
Update:
Husband has been very cold and distant since yesterday. Last night when he got home he went into the basement and stayed there until he came to bed at his normal time, didn't invite me down to unwind with him. This morning he got up to go to the gym and never said a word to me. Usually it's "hey......I'm leaving I'll be back" or something to that effect, he just left, never muttered a word. When I heard him start his truck in the driveway I texted him "um, bye?" And he sent back "oh yeah sorry I'm leaving". It's just very out of character for him. I'm at the point where I think leaving for a few days is best. Advice? Keeping me in limbo like this is not fair to me especially when I have been trying like crazy to change on my end with no effort on his. Thinking maybe the separation for a few days will get him to see he either misses me or he wants out. Either way it's better than what I'm dealing with now. I hate to say it because I don't want to lose him but at this point I have to look out for me. My family is concerned for me, they saw me yesterday and said I looked terrible.
 
#36 ·
Update:
Husband has been very cold and distant since yesterday. Last night when he got home he went into the basement and stayed there until he came to bed at his normal time, didn't invite me down to unwind with him. This morning he got up to go to the gym and never said a word to me. Usually it's "hey......I'm leaving I'll be back" or something to that effect, he just left, never muttered a word. When I heard him start his truck in the driveway I texted him "um, bye?" And he sent back "oh yeah sorry I'm leaving". It's just very out of character for him. I'm at the point where I think leaving for a few days is best. Advice? Keeping me in limbo like this is not fair to me especially when I have been trying like crazy to change on my end with no effort on his. Thinking maybe the separation for a few days will get him to see he either misses me or he wants out. Either way it's better than what I'm dealing with now. I hate to say it because I don't want to lose him but at this point I have to look out for me. My family is concerned for me, they saw me yesterday and said I looked terrible.
This is very healthy, npl. Some people take years to get to this point . . . if they get there at all.
 
#45 ·
#46 ·
To a degree, yes. I feel like though that he wasn't like this before he dropped the bomb, or if he was, I wasn't noticing or was less severe. I'm working up the courage to leave today. At least for a couple days. I wrote him an explanation letter last night to prepare to leave for him. (Not a letter
 
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