going to try to make this as short as possible while still giving important details...
last week my husband broke down and told he was no longer happy with our marriage. Now, we have had a rough past few years. We have been together for 9 years, married for almost 6. no kids, just animals. He took a job a few years back that requires him to work 7 days a week. He can ask for weekends off, but sometimes get denied. hubby says he doesnt mind his job although I feel the monotony of it has really taken a toll on the both of us. he makes great money, great benefits, cadillac insurance, the whole bit. however, this has caused a tremendous amount of boredom and neediness on my part because I never see him. I even quit my job last year (for a few reasons, but mainly to be able to see him more)so that I could find a job that allowed me to see him more often, as he is a second shifter.
I do have emotional issues that stemmed from childhood. and they do interfere with our marriage. I have been seeing a counselor for them, as well as going together for marital counseling, since his first small "coming out" that he was having doubts last summer after I quit my job. I have made huge progress with my anxiety and depression, and even he says he has seen me make huge strides....
fast forward to last week, the breakdown- he is unhappy with me. I nag, I smother him, I make him feel guilty for wanting to hang out with his friends after work, I snap at him for the smallest things, etc. etc. He made sure to point out every difference we have as far as interests, hobbies, etc., which i admit, we have both grown and changed as people, and even though some of our interests have changed somewhat, we do still have similar interests. But according to him we are incompatible because of those changes. when he is home, his time is spent sleeping, immersed in his phone or the tv. I get no quality time with him. I don't get my needs met, hence why I have been nagging. I know, vicious cycle. long story short, he agreed to stick around and give it another shot. he's been checked out of the marriage for a while and says that I'll have to be patient with him to "check back in" but is scared that it won't come back for him. we both sought counseling on our own accords (he surprisingly went on his own, no push from me).
After my counseling appointment we sat down to establish what he wanted from me- he said he didn't want us to separate, he didnt mind me sleeping in the same bed, he really didn't want much to change, but said he's just going to be emotionally unavailable for a while until he can get his emotions in order, and that I would just have to accept it.
I've gone through the stage of denial, shock, complete sadness, crying....to now anger. when we first started dating, and before he proposed, we lived together. he knew i had anxiety issues, he knew that I was an introvert, he knew everything about me and accepted me for who I was. now I feel disposable. even through these last few rough years of not only him but me not having my needs met, I still love and adore him.
since the bomb, I have not nagged once. I have talked to him kindly, I stay quiet when he's not being very nice, I have even "put myself out there" for intimacy (because that has lacked, tremendously) and we have been intimate a few times the last week but he also rejected me more than he accepted. I have been doing things that he enjoys even though I dont (hes a huge tv watcher, i am not, I've made it a point to sit down and watch with him).
He has started coming back around - a kiss here, a hug there, started calling me by my pet name again- but still wont say I love you. as a matter of fact, most of his communication with me has been almost like hes talking to a buddy and not his wife. I guess my question is- should I give him some space and ghost for awhile? If he sees me as needy I don't want to be around so much. Should I take these little signs as he's starting to come around? am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I'm really hurt and want this marriage more than anything, and I am so disappointed in both of us for letting it get this bad....
last week my husband broke down and told he was no longer happy with our marriage. Now, we have had a rough past few years. We have been together for 9 years, married for almost 6. no kids, just animals. He took a job a few years back that requires him to work 7 days a week. He can ask for weekends off, but sometimes get denied. hubby says he doesnt mind his job although I feel the monotony of it has really taken a toll on the both of us. he makes great money, great benefits, cadillac insurance, the whole bit. however, this has caused a tremendous amount of boredom and neediness on my part because I never see him. I even quit my job last year (for a few reasons, but mainly to be able to see him more)so that I could find a job that allowed me to see him more often, as he is a second shifter.
I do have emotional issues that stemmed from childhood. and they do interfere with our marriage. I have been seeing a counselor for them, as well as going together for marital counseling, since his first small "coming out" that he was having doubts last summer after I quit my job. I have made huge progress with my anxiety and depression, and even he says he has seen me make huge strides....
fast forward to last week, the breakdown- he is unhappy with me. I nag, I smother him, I make him feel guilty for wanting to hang out with his friends after work, I snap at him for the smallest things, etc. etc. He made sure to point out every difference we have as far as interests, hobbies, etc., which i admit, we have both grown and changed as people, and even though some of our interests have changed somewhat, we do still have similar interests. But according to him we are incompatible because of those changes. when he is home, his time is spent sleeping, immersed in his phone or the tv. I get no quality time with him. I don't get my needs met, hence why I have been nagging. I know, vicious cycle. long story short, he agreed to stick around and give it another shot. he's been checked out of the marriage for a while and says that I'll have to be patient with him to "check back in" but is scared that it won't come back for him. we both sought counseling on our own accords (he surprisingly went on his own, no push from me).
After my counseling appointment we sat down to establish what he wanted from me- he said he didn't want us to separate, he didnt mind me sleeping in the same bed, he really didn't want much to change, but said he's just going to be emotionally unavailable for a while until he can get his emotions in order, and that I would just have to accept it.
I've gone through the stage of denial, shock, complete sadness, crying....to now anger. when we first started dating, and before he proposed, we lived together. he knew i had anxiety issues, he knew that I was an introvert, he knew everything about me and accepted me for who I was. now I feel disposable. even through these last few rough years of not only him but me not having my needs met, I still love and adore him.
since the bomb, I have not nagged once. I have talked to him kindly, I stay quiet when he's not being very nice, I have even "put myself out there" for intimacy (because that has lacked, tremendously) and we have been intimate a few times the last week but he also rejected me more than he accepted. I have been doing things that he enjoys even though I dont (hes a huge tv watcher, i am not, I've made it a point to sit down and watch with him).
He has started coming back around - a kiss here, a hug there, started calling me by my pet name again- but still wont say I love you. as a matter of fact, most of his communication with me has been almost like hes talking to a buddy and not his wife. I guess my question is- should I give him some space and ghost for awhile? If he sees me as needy I don't want to be around so much. Should I take these little signs as he's starting to come around? am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I'm really hurt and want this marriage more than anything, and I am so disappointed in both of us for letting it get this bad....