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post #31 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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Please share your suggestions, I may cringe or may not be ready but I need to hear them

I'll check out the book too
Mrs. Conan just woke up and I'm busy giving her her morning molestation.

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post #32 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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Hi



I have been married for around 2 years now, and I love her dearly but we do miss that spark. Now this is entirely my fault as the spark was never there on s physical level so I can't expect it to appear but as I have got older I just want or need it... is that ridiculous? I want her to want me on a physical level...???

There is always that "but" after "i love her dearly". Maybe I don't understand love even though I've been married 50 years.

This was my main criteria in choosing a partner. I wanted someone that wanted me as much as I wanted them. I got it.

We can't talk about anything related to sex as she gets embarrassed and has led a very sheltered life and thinks everyone does it in one position on the bed in darkness , which is fine for her but I came from some much more sexually exciting relationships where I was her first and she has no intentions on changing.. and why would she? It's me who has to change and get rid of my desires to want to kiss with passion and have sex for more then the purpose of producing a baby!!

In my case we were both sexually naive. The up side of that is that we learned together. You are too far ahead of her.

We get on ok, kind of like mates.. we have no reason to argue or fall out unless I bring something up and we could just plod along like this forever.

She is desperate for a kid, I agreed and we have tried for twelve months but now she's obsessed, I mean we have sex to 'make a baby' and I know that will die off once she has one. She looks after the mates kids all the time, constantly buying them presents... it's nice but why is she not showing any interest in holiday brochures im bringing home to try and make the most of our kid free time? Why has she just been away for 5 days and when she came back there wasn't a kiss?? Or a iv Missed you she just goes back inside and gets her phone out while i tidy the shed!!

You sound like most 70 year old couples I know. What's wrong with this picture?

Iv told her I want to wait for s kid, I want to do exciting things and see places with her but nothing's happened... she has a spark for the kid and that's it.... I feel like we're mates... good ones but I want and need a lover, I need someone who's on my level mentally and physically and isn't obsessed with kids.... iv told her all this and iv told her we need to wait but it just comes down to me having s time limit and I have to decide in 3 months if I want one or it's not fair and why should she stay with me if I can't give her s kid right this min!!!

Don't have kids until you are sure. You won't be doing anyone a favor.

She's only 28!!

We have lived together for years, we don't share any passions other than eating out and I don't know what to do!!! Iv given up my hobbies which were fairly extravagant as she didn't share them with me and had no interests even though they are things that can be shared

I need to turn it around from being mates to lovers ... help me.... I don't know what to do it's breaking my heart it really is


Sorry for the rant I don't expect anyone will get this far
Talk, talk, talk. Lay it all out now, before it is too late. You are setting your lives up to be sad. Get outside help.
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post #33 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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I have suggested let's use the six months of not trying for kids to go on holidays and do some crazy things but none have happened , iv been the travel agents and there's no enthusiasm for it form her part!!! I expected some excitement towards a trip to the Maldives but she couldn't get the time off
If she has no enthusiasm for a trip to the Maldives then you need to check for pulse and breathing asap!!

There are a lot of people here who put up with what you are doing for a long time, and most of us because spouse showed some enthusiasm as long as it took to get pregnant.

She may be LD or asexual but she also said her wedding vows to you, and even the church recognises a marriage as an intimate relationship.

The misery you experience now is only the start. I know how you feel going on holiday looking at other couples and wondering what he has that you don't to have a partner that wants him like that. Once your resentment builds it will be difficult for you to be a part of the solution, if that becomes a possibility.

You have to put a stop to anything that could lead to pregnancy it's just not fair to intentionally bring a child into a dead relationship. She needs help and/or counseling and you need to make it clear that you two will have either a marriage or nothing. You can't go through your life without any form of physical interaction, that is just torture.

You have no idea how I wish I had received that advice when I got married as I would have avoided wasting 20 years of my life, my wonderful daughter excepted of course!!
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post #34 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

So I'm not alone? Other people have looked at there wife and though I love this woman but I wish she was more physical and I wish it didn't feel like it's all about s baby ? It's good to hear!!

Well she has just told me she's not pregnant this month which is a relief, so it's condoms from now forward so she knows I'm serious... I can't cope with thinking she's being nice to get a kid!!!

My parents have asked if she was absused
As a kid and is thst why she hates being touched but she wasn't so j think some counselling would help but she refuses

I'm not claiming to be the perfect husband, nor do I have model good looks but I want to be loving and caring and get it all back... I don't want to suffocate her but I do want her to want to spend time with me

I do wonder what other people have that I dont, every says in the life and soul and in the funny guy out the bunch but it's slowly draining out of me when my jokes and references go over her head I can only be my real funny self around my mates

Maybe I'll check her pulse, god the last time we went the Maldives there was a couple in the see playing and splashing and kissing and I was on a canoe by my self just getting more and more angry about the fact it wasn't me!!!
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post #35 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Thanks for the book link... seems interesting so far
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post #36 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

The problem is, I am a nice guy and I have all those negative traits... so clearly I need to fix myself and my issues first
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post #37 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Walk in.... I'm invisible... she's been with her mum all day and now she's on the phone to her for another half an hour!!! For gods sake I hope my mindset changes
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post #38 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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Walk in.... I'm invisible... she's been with her mum all day and now she's on the phone to her for another half an hour!!! For gods sake I hope my mindset changes
For your sake I hope it does too. Please spend some more time here on TAM and read other peoples stories. You'll quickly come across stories from posters who've been in sexless marriages much longer than you. You have a chance to learn from their mistakes and get the balls to make some necessary changes in your life.

There are over 7 billion people on this planet, 7 billion OP! You can do better, you deserve better. You have dreams and aspirations that would make many young women smile with yearning.
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post #39 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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Holding hands, hugs, spooning in bed she loves... as long as I don't touch her breasts or anywhere else without prior warning .. it can't be spur of the moment and she isn't really ever excited for it
Just wondering if you've ever hurt her in this area previously? Not saying that you intended to, but accidentally pinched or whatever a little too hard? I'm wondering because for quite a long time, my husband would pinch, bite, suck like a vacuum, and boy did it hurt! It got to the point where I started covering my girls up and wouldn't let him near them. Now, I try to be more open, but still flinch and cringe, and absolutely hate it when he touches them. I try not to show it, but I'm sure he knows.
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post #40 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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For your sake I hope it does too. Please spend some more time here on TAM and read other peoples stories. You'll quickly come across stories from posters who've been in sexless marriages much longer than you. You have a chance to learn from their mistakes and get the balls to make some necessary changes in your life.



There are over 7 billion people on this planet, 7 billion OP! You can do better, you deserve better. You have dreams and aspirations that would make many young women smile with yearning.

Reading story after story I realise I'm not alone now, I realise that my marriage isn't sexless.... there lots of sex while she wants the kid but I remember nights before we were engraved, before we were married just lying in bed so frustrated wanting some action ... so it's not hard to remember exactly what it's going to be like after the kid if that happened

Ha, I would hope my dreams and aspirations would make a woman happy... I have my own business so I am motivated and work a lot but I like to think I can give my all when I'm home each night and weekends and make someone laugh

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post #41 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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Just wondering if you've ever hurt her in this area previously? Not saying that you intended to, but accidentally pinched or whatever a little too hard? I'm wondering because for quite a long time, my husband would pinch, bite, suck like a vacuum, and boy did it hurt! It got to the point where I started covering my girls up and wouldn't let him near them. Now, I try to be more open, but still flinch and cringe, and absolutely hate it when he touches them. I try not to show it, but I'm sure he knows.

No I haven't , I mean I am very tactile so all
My touching is very gentle... and iv never really had chance to suck or pinch....

She just flinches and says boobs are for baby's not for me....
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post #42 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

I'm thinking mAybe I should seek advice and help in case me wanting sex and stuff that goes with it is unreasonable and maybe I have some sort of sex addiction??? Or obsession perhaps.... so maybe it's all me and she's just normal. I am open to the idea that it might be me
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post #43 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Iv booked my self to see a sex therapist ... im causing rows over it no reason now
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post #44 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Nothing unreasonable about what you want, and if everything you're telling us is accurate, it's HER that needs the therapist, not you. The rows will only get worse until she resolves her problem, but it appears she has no intent to do so. Do not marry her, do not attempt to have children with her. If anything, you should try a trial separation. Not only is she sexually dysfunctional, she's not even a good enough friend to understand that she has to make some sacrifices to keep you happy. She's not relationship material, for anyone.
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post #45 of 118 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:17 AM
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Iv booked my self to see a sex therapist ... im causing rows over it no reason now
OMG!! No! There is nothing wrong with you! There are many couples who have sex many times a week! Especially when young, and before children. You two want different things out of life. There is nothing wrong with you.
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