New Guy from UK... Hi all - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:07 AM Thread Starter
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New Guy from UK... Hi all

Hi

I hope your all well, I'm a 29 year old guy from the uk. I'd like to introduce myself and point out in not here to moan, i just have lots of stuff I need to say and don't really have anywhere to voice it.

I have been married for around 2 years now, and I love her dearly but we do miss that spark. Now this is entirely my fault as the spark was never there on s physical level so I can't expect it to appear but as I have got older I just want or need it... is that ridiculous? I want her to want me on a physical level...???

We can't talk about anything related to sex as she gets embarrassed and has led a very sheltered life and thinks everyone does it in one position on the bed in darkness , which is fine for her but I came from some much more sexually exciting relationships where I was her first and she has no intentions on changing.. and why would she? It's me who has to change and get rid of my desires to want to kiss with passion and have sex for more then the purpose of producing a baby!!

We get on ok, kind of like mates.. we have no reason to argue or fall out unless I bring something up and we could just plod along like this forever.

She is desperate for a kid, I agreed and we have tried for twelve months but now she's obsessed, I mean we have sex to 'make a baby' and I know that will die off once she has one. She looks after the mates kids all the time, constantly buying them presents... it's nice but why is she not showing any interest in holiday brochures im bringing home to try and make the most of our kid free time? Why has she just been away for 5 days and when she came back there wasn't a kiss?? Or a iv Missed you she just goes back inside and gets her phone out while i tidy the shed!!

Iv told her I want to wait for s kid, I want to do exciting things and see places with her but nothing's happened... she has a spark for the kid and that's it.... I feel like we're mates... good ones but I want and need a lover, I need someone who's on my level mentally and physically and isn't obsessed with kids.... iv told her all this and iv told her we need to wait but it just comes down to me having s time limit and I have to decide in 3 months if I want one or it's not fair and why should she stay with me if I can't give her s kid right this min!!!

She's only 28!!

We have lived together for years, we don't share any passions other than eating out and I don't know what to do!!! Iv given up my hobbies which were fairly extravagant as she didn't share them with me and had no interests even though they are things that can be shared

I need to turn it around from being mates to lovers ... help me.... I don't know what to do it's breaking my heart it really is


Sorry for the rant I don't expect anyone will get this far

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post #2 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:37 AM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Welcome to TAM. Hope we can give you some helpful input.

There are two books that I think are a good place for you to start.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
by Esther Perel

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis

I'm sure that there will be others along.

Also, I would like to move your thread to the General Relationship Discussion as that's a more active forum. I'll wait for your ok and move it in the morning if you are ok with that. That's morning for me which is evening for you since I live across the globe from you.

Ele

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post #3 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:00 AM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Welcome to the forum!

I will let other people with more experience answer your main question, but what I will say is to put the plans to have a baby on ice until you have resolved the main issues. The last thing you want is to bring a baby into the equation right now.

~Kayleigh

Life is either a great adventure or nothing - Helen Keller.
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post #4 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

I know... I am trying to get her to stop but she doesn't see the ther issues as a problem

So I'm the bad guy for stopping it
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post #5 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Do you think it's fair for me to want more intimacy ? Or should I just settle? I mean I feel like I'm asking too much it's so hard o
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post #6 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Welcome to TAM. Hope we can give you some helpful input.



There are two books that I think are a good place for you to start.



Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

by Esther Perel



The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis



I'm sure that there will be others along.



Also, I would like to move your thread to the General Relationship Discussion as that's a more active forum. I'll wait for your ok and move it in the morning if you are ok with that. That's morning for me which is evening for you since I live across the globe from you.



Ele

Of course it's ok to move it, I'll look forward to that this evening/your morning

Thanks
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post #7 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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Do you think it's fair for me to want more intimacy ? Or should I just settle? I mean I feel like I'm asking too much it's so hard o
No you should not just settle. I very aware of what it is like to be married to someone who does not want sex since I was married to a guy after some time of marriage did not want sex anymore. It's very hurtful to have a normal to high sex drive and be with someone who does not want sex with you.

If your girlfriend is low drive (LD), asexual or just socialized to avoid sex then that's just her. There is nothing wrong with her.

If you are normal to high drive (HD), there is nothing wrong with you.

The problem is that the two of you are not sexually compatible.

I do not suggest that you just try stuffing your emotional need for sex. It will destroy you emotionally. It's already harming you.

You can however see if you can change her attitude towards sex, this might work if her issue is that she was socialized to have her attitude towards sex. But, be warned that most people who are socialized to have this kind of attitude tend to abandon it when they are with someone that they are sexually attracted to. The biology wins out. So she is probably LD and/or asexual. Or she's just not sexually attracted to you. She might love the living daylights out of you in every way but not be sexually attracted to you.

I am assuming that she was like things from the very start of your relationship. Is that right?

If I were you, I would give it some time, maybe 6 months. Read the books. Have her read them. Discuss them. Go see a marriage/relationship counselor who is also a sex therapist who can show her how to tap into her sexuality.

Keep in mind also that she might be withholding sex as a way to control you and the relationship. This will come out in talking and counseling if that's the issue. If she is, it's particularly cruel of her. (This is what my ex did.. control and punishment)

Between the books and the therapist, she has to come to realize that sex is a normal part of marriage/relationships. And if she does not want a good, healthy sexual relationship with you, then she needs to let you go. And she needs to be with an asexual mat a man with who has a libido.

There are two other books that I'm going to suggest: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read these two together and do the work that they suggest. The HN/HN book explains the importance of sex in marriage along with a lot of other things.

You really need to sit her down and tell her that sex is normal and so important in a relationship that you will not continue in a near sexless relationship where you have to beg for sex and are made to feel bad for having a normal sex drive. That before any children are brought into this relationship it has to change. You need for her to read the books with you, do the work and go to a sex therapist with you. If she won't do that, the relationship is over.

then give it 6 months. If it's better in 6 months, give it another 6 months before even thinking of children. Why? Because she can fake it for 6 months. It will be much harder for her to fake it for a year.

If nothing works, then you really need to break up with her. I'm sorry but that is the emotionally healthy thing to do.

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post #8 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
No you should not just settle. I very aware of what it is like to be married to someone who does not want sex since I was married to a guy after some time of marriage did not want sex anymore. It's very hurtful to have a normal to high sex drive and be with someone who does not want sex with you.



If your girlfriend is low drive (LD), asexual or just socialized to avoid sex then that's just her. There is nothing wrong with her.



If you are normal to high drive (HD), there is nothing wrong with you.



The problem is that the two of you are not sexually compatible.



I do not suggest that you just try stuffing your emotional need for sex. It will destroy you emotionally. It's already harming you.



You can however see if you can change her attitude towards sex, this might work if her issue is that she was socialized to have her attitude towards sex. But, be warned that most people who are socialized to have this kind of attitude tend to abandon it when they are with someone that they are sexually attracted to. The biology wins out. So she is probably LD and/or asexual. Or she's just not sexually attracted to you. She might love the living daylights out of you in every way but not be sexually attracted to you.



I am assuming that she was like things from the very start of your relationship. Is that right?



If I were you, I would give it some time, maybe 6 months. Read the books. Have her read them. Discuss them. Go see a marriage/relationship counselor who is also a sex therapist who can show her how to tap into her sexuality.



Keep in mind also that she might be withholding sex as a way to control you and the relationship. This will come out in talking and counseling if that's the issue. If she is, it's particularly cruel of her. (This is what my ex did.. control and punishment)



Between the books and the therapist, she has to come to realize that sex is a normal part of marriage/relationships. And if she does not want a good, healthy sexual relationship with you, then she needs to let you go. And she needs to be with an asexual mat a man with who has a libido.



There are two other books that I'm going to suggest: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read these two together and do the work that they suggest. The HN/HN book explains the importance of sex in marriage along with a lot of other things.



You really need to sit her down and tell her that sex is normal and so important in a relationship that you will not continue in a near sexless relationship where you have to beg for sex and are made to feel bad for having a normal sex drive. That before any children are brought into this relationship it has to change. You need for her to read the books with you, do the work and go to a sex therapist with you. If she won't do that, the relationship is over.



then give it 6 months. If it's better in 6 months, give it another 6 months before even thinking of children. Why? Because she can fake it for 6 months. It will be much harder for her to fake it for a year.



If nothing works, then you really need to break up with her. I'm sorry but that is the emotionally healthy thing to do.

Hey

It was probably about 6 months ago we sat down , and I said to her in such a sexual tactile person ( and I don't mean crazy sex, i just love being tactile, lying in bed touching playing, teasing , laughing) and I said we need to try new things. She let me try oral on her once which is something I have loved wth girls in the past and something I crave so badly now. She hated it and said she didn't want me to do it again. She tried oral on me for the first time after 7 years together and she hated that too although she wouldn't admit it but you just know don't you!! But I was her first sexual partner, she's very naive and Will NOT discuss sex or anything to do with it with anyone and I can't really discuss it with her... I fact she's lying in bed next to me right now and I'd do anything to have a big meaningful sexy kiss and just have a laugh about that!!

She pushes me away if I touch her on top of her clothes or jumps so far that I die a bit inside, if I walk in from walk and she's in the kitchen I'll go over and put my arms around her and she jumps but all I want to do is kiss her neck but she says I need to warn her but that takes the whole point away if Doing it

Your right, she has always been the same but we have always had things to look forward too, new house, new car, wedding, a holiday bit now it's a kid, and she's pretending to want the sex but I know once it comes it's going to go and my sex drive is to high to carry on like it.

Without being vulgar ( I think anything to do with talking about sex is that now as we can't discuss it) I suggested maybe she explorers her self which she was disgusted with and she couldn't understand why I would want to mastebate ... she says people have sex because they love each other... and I am trying to hammer home it can also be for fun!!! Like it's a fun thing for me at least ... I'm at my wits end with all of this!!! It's so hard, I love her cute little ways... but I need to feel like I'm dating an adult who wants me and not a mate that feels like a kid to talk to when it comes to that !!! Ahhh


I'll suggest sex therapy again but last time she said no, because she doesn't see a problem !!!

I just don't want a kid right now.... but I'm the bad guy for deciding that 12 months into a marriage ... I want things to be good between us first
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post #9 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

One other thing I should mention is that she's a night worker , and I have begged her to change to days so we can spend evenings and most importantly bed time together but she loves the lifestyle of working nights and seeing her mates in the day.... I don't like to use the word depressed but it gets me so down some days I just rest my head on the steering wheel of the car when I'm stopped and feel so out of energy ...

I want her to want me, to spend time with me and get the feck off Facebook when we do spend nights together

Maybe I have a fantasy woman in my head that doesn't exist , but my wife doesn't even keep the house clean so I don't really know if I'm asking too much
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post #10 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:06 PM
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You're not asking too much.

AT ALL.

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post #11 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:26 PM
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New Guy from UK... Hi all

Picture your life without sex. No sex for 20 years. That's your life if you have children with her.

When the kids go off to university you will divorce.

She likes working nights so she can see her mates during the day? What's up with that? What about you?

It's cold but I think she sees you just as a sperm donor.

I have food in my refrigerator longer than you have been married. YOU having kids with her is a big big mistake.

Btw, why did you even marry her?

Last edited by 225985; 03-26-2017 at 06:30 PM.
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post #12 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

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Picture your life without sex. No sex for 20 years. That's your life if you have children with her.

When the kids go off to university you will divorce.

She likes working nights so she can see her mates during the day? What's up with that? What about you?

It's cold but I think she sees you just as a sperm donor.

I have food in my refrigerator longer than you have been married. YOU having kids with her is a big big mistake.

Btw, why did you even marry her?

I'm impulsive sometimes and want that perfect married life, we get on like mates we really do! And we never argued once untill I started bringing stuff up.

We have been on some really nice holidays and just lay in the sun, I have sat there watching other people sneaking around going off to rooms for some ' fun' and innentjonnsruff and it's always not now.. I'll be sore, I don't want to leak everywhere which are both bull **** because she isn't dry so she isn't sore I know that.

We are like housemates but it's sad because in othrler ways we get on she's just desperate for a kid and obsessed with my mates kids but I'm just so unreasonable for wanting more.

I just wish I was less of a sexual person, I wish I didn't want to touch her at night , or in the day or just anywhere in the house... I wish I didn't want to go for annaughtt weekend or night away occasionally but I do!!! I want alll that and after 8 years todherher I miss it all so much. I know I was only early 20's back then so things were different and maybe married people don't do that but I can dream

In regards to the whybdid I marry her question, well!! I did ask to put it off but she wasn't happy with that so it happened....

I hate the nights, there 3 or 4 coming up from tommorow ... and iv been feeling myself sink lower and lower the last day or two knowing there in the horizon!!! But it's a crap cycle of resenting her for them , hating it while there happening then then starting again!!

I hate it that when it's that time of the month she can offer sex that is ok, but then it's the one position in bed and all she's gotta say is ' I love you' tickle my back and i am anyone's cos I just love being touched and tactile so much.

Ahhh sorry I'm ranting so much!!
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post #13 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 10:42 PM
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blokeymcblokeface View Post
Hey

It was probably about 6 months ago we sat down , and I said to her in such a sexual tactile person ( and I don't mean crazy sex, i just love being tactile, lying in bed touching playing, teasing , laughing) and I said we need to try new things. She let me try oral on her once which is something I have loved wth girls in the past and something I crave so badly now. She hated it and said she didn't want me to do it again. She tried oral on me for the first time after 7 years together and she hated that too although she wouldn't admit it but you just know don't you!! But I was her first sexual partner, she's very naive and Will NOT discuss sex or anything to do with it with anyone and I can't really discuss it with her... I fact she's lying in bed next to me right now and I'd do anything to have a big meaningful sexy kiss and just have a laugh about that!!

She pushes me away if I touch her on top of her clothes or jumps so far that I die a bit inside, if I walk in from walk and she's in the kitchen I'll go over and put my arms around her and she jumps but all I want to do is kiss her neck but she says I need to warn her but that takes the whole point away if Doing it

Your right, she has always been the same but we have always had things to look forward too, new house, new car, wedding, a holiday bit now it's a kid, and she's pretending to want the sex but I know once it comes it's going to go and my sex drive is to high to carry on like it.

Without being vulgar ( I think anything to do with talking about sex is that now as we can't discuss it) I suggested maybe she explorers her self which she was disgusted with and she couldn't understand why I would want to mastebate ... she says people have sex because they love each other... and I am trying to hammer home it can also be for fun!!! Like it's a fun thing for me at least ... I'm at my wits end with all of this!!! It's so hard, I love her cute little ways... but I need to feel like I'm dating an adult who wants me and not a mate that feels like a kid to talk to when it comes to that !!! Ahhh


I'll suggest sex therapy again but last time she said no, because she doesn't see a problem !!!

I just don't want a kid right now.... but I'm the bad guy for deciding that 12 months into a marriage ... I want things to be good between us first
Does she like to be touched in other ways, like holding hands? It almost sounds like she adverse to touch, like she has Asperger's.

I don't know how you can say married to her without out huge change in the way she is about sex. The way things are right now is not something I could live with. Most women are not like this at all.

Like I said, both of you are OK, But you two are not compatible. One of you needs to change. There really is on way for you to change because your needs are driven by your biology. If you stay in this situation, you are going to bet angry and bitter over time.

If she will not even contemplate exploring changes, then I think you need to leave her. I know that this is hard. But sexual incompatibility is a good reason to divorce someone. I'll bet if you tell her that you are leaving her over this she will suddenly find the desire to make changes. But you would need to be willing her call her bluff if she does not make changes.

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post #14 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Holding hands, hugs, spooning in bed she loves... as long as I don't touch her breasts or anywhere else without prior warning .. it can't be spur of the moment and she isn't really ever excited for it

If I touch her leg for example or even go as far as to stroke her thigh if we are in the car she will just lift my hand away and the same if we are on the sofa

She will let me touch her clit when she wants sex but no fueether down, certainly no fingers or any touching other than the clit. She has allowed me to give her oral once or twice but she twinges ( in a bad way) and just looks uncomfy and unhappy.

The second time I got somewhere with it and she made a noise like she enjoyed it but after that refused to let it happen again , she hated it upnto the point she liked it if that makes sense.

I know we're incompatible in that way, I have hobbies she hates which I understand women don't like cars and aircraft so I have had to give up my pilots licence because what's the point if you can't take your wife for s jolly out on a nice weekend.... oh my goodness I once suggested the mile high club.... first of all she didn't know what it was and then she was disgusted and each time she gets disgusted or snubs something I say i just dislike her a little bit.

I know I have a high sex drive but I'm scared that I'll ever find anyone else, or that other women are the same ... it's a big jump isn't it ... and s hard subject to bring up when she thinks everything is fine.

I'm going to have to call her bluff again... and just say... I'll be leaving if you can't change. She won't change her nights so that's for me to deal with
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post #15 of 151 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Guy from UK... Hi all

Example-

She went seats last tue/wed/thur/fri came back sat morn.

She was tired sat night, fell asleep Sunday night so I have waited around this morning untill she woke cuddling her in bed and said I'm not going for 30 mins and she is just lying on her phone ... i suspect she may be on her period but is a kiss out of the question... I guess I'll do the usual, wait for her to have a shower and sort my self out !!! Frustrating !!
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