Originally Posted by Blokeymcblokeface View Post
Do you think it's fair for me to want more intimacy ? Or should I just settle? I mean I feel like I'm asking too much it's so hard o
No you should not just settle. I very aware of what it is like to be married to someone who does not want sex since I was married to a guy after some time of marriage did not want sex anymore. It's very hurtful to have a normal to high sex drive and be with someone who does not want sex with you.
If your girlfriend is low drive (LD), asexual or just socialized to avoid sex then that's just her. There is nothing wrong with her.
If you are normal to high drive (HD), there is nothing wrong with you.
The problem is that the two of you are not sexually compatible.
I do not suggest that you just try stuffing your emotional need for sex. It will destroy you emotionally. It's already harming you.
You can however see if you can change her attitude towards sex, this might work if her issue is that she was socialized to have her attitude towards sex. But, be warned that most people who are socialized to have this kind of attitude tend to abandon it when they are with someone that they are sexually attracted to. The biology wins out. So she is probably LD and/or asexual. Or she's just not sexually attracted to you. She might love the living daylights out of you in every way but not be sexually attracted to you.
I am assuming that she was like things from the very start of your relationship. Is that right?
If I were you, I would give it some time, maybe 6 months. Read the books. Have her read them. Discuss them. Go see a marriage/relationship counselor who is also a sex therapist who can show her how to tap into her sexuality.
Keep in mind also that she might be withholding sex as a way to control you and the relationship. This will come out in talking and counseling if that's the issue. If she is, it's particularly cruel of her. (This is what my ex did.. control and punishment)
Between the books and the therapist, she has to come to realize that sex is a normal part of marriage/relationships. And if she does not want a good, healthy sexual relationship with you, then she needs to let you go. And she needs to be with an asexual mat a man with who has a libido.
There are two other books that I'm going to suggest: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read these two together and do the work that they suggest. The HN/HN book explains the importance of sex in marriage along with a lot of other things.
You really need to sit her down and tell her that sex is normal and so important in a relationship that you will not continue in a near sexless relationship where you have to beg for sex and are made to feel bad for having a normal sex drive. That before any children are brought into this relationship it has to change. You need for her to read the books with you, do the work and go to a sex therapist with you. If she won't do that, the relationship is over.
then give it 6 months. If it's better in 6 months, give it another 6 months before even thinking of children. Why? Because she can fake it for 6 months. It will be much harder for her to fake it for a year.
If nothing works, then you really need to break up with her. I'm sorry but that is the emotionally healthy thing to do.