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General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

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Old 12-31-2011, 12:26 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Which comes first marriage or children?

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Originally Posted by FrankKissel View Post
Ummmm ..... OK. But then you're not really choosing marriage over kids, right? Which is what you said you do.

Fact is, the question presents a false choice. We don't have to 'put one first.' We're fully capable, if we choose, to address the needs of both our marriages and our children without neglecting either.
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huh? Why would I ignore a crying infant? LOL

I always made time for my husband to feel appreciated and loved.

Until my health issues. Then I was selfish and self loathing. but that's another story.

I know plenty of people who put their kids first. Soccer practice, gym, ballet, whatever. Always abotu the kids. Kids, kids, kids...and then they complain that they never have sex or feel connected to their spouse. It's hard to feel connected when you dont' make the time.
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Old 12-31-2011, 02:51 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Which comes first marriage or children?

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Originally Posted by LBG View Post

What I'm trying to ask is if you feel that your marriage should be the top priority to you followed very closely by your children? If someone understands what I'm asking, please help!

This is what I've seen from many friends:
1. Kids
2. Work
3. Cleaning
4. Cooking
5. Finances
6. Hobbies
and so on
and dead last on the list is their SPOUSE!

I'm not saying or implying that you love your children any less or that if forced to choose that I'd choose my Hubby over them. I mean they are defenseless children that must be taken care of and I'd be the first one to leave if Hubby was abusive to them or me or wasn't a good father, but in the grand scheme of things I place him first, then my children, followed by other priorities. I make sure that I take the time to nuture our marriage and keep a strong bond between us because united we can conquer anything, including raising 3 boys to be outstanding men, fathers, and husbands. Which is both of our goals. We are a team, best friends, lovers, not just Mom and Dad.

Together we take care of the love between us so that we can provide a loving and stable home for our children. Yes, we have individual hobbies and things, but our goal above everything else is to have a strong marriage and to provide a good example for our children.

Have heard to old saying, “In order to be a good father, you must be a good husband first”? Kinda what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I get the question. Nice work when you can get it. This is a value system difference in my marriage. It's naive to think that there will never be any conflicts between multiple priorities. Even people who claim not to have an implicit priority structure which ranks certain things higher than others. My wife's priority list goes like:

Self
Kids
Friends
Personal Interests
Housework

I'm not even on the list unless she needs me for one of her priorities or I make a specific request. Needless to say, our marriage is challenged on a daily basis. My priorities are

God
Wife
Kids
Self
Work
House

There is not a day that goes by, sometimes not even an hour, where I am not challenged by whether or not to proceed into an emotional affair. There are several excellent candidates out there and I can easily get what I am not getting at home and I have to admit that it really feels good. That's why I'm big on the list because when I find myself in the mental dialog about why proceeding into an ea would be perfectly ok, I look at the list and see that I am number 4 and this activity would seriously harm numbers 1, 2 and 3.
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:55 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Which comes first marriage or children?

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Great question although I may be approaching from a different angle. In my case is, do we keep the marriage going because of the kids? Our marriage is usually on the rocks and would love to leave, but as soon as I think about not being there for the kids, I suck it up and accept my lousy marriage where we live like roommates. Not fun but is it worth it for my kids?
I'm kinda along with guy here, , perhaps not lousy but most times not fun. It's been like this for most of our marriage and would definitely be classified as dis functional. In our marriage our kids are priority, , , their school sports hobbies vacation at time I feel we're hurting them by spoiling them so much. I've always thought comically in the back of my mind we'll divorce shortly after the kids are gone. But our oldest has giving us a grandbaby and we love it (being grandparents) so I guess I'll be with her forever !!! which is OK cuz she drives me nutty but I luv it.

So kids,,, kids come first in our marriage
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Which comes first marriage or children?

I can't be a good husband or father if I don't take care of myself.

I can't be a good father if I'm not a good husband.

If my marriage atrophies, it will impact my kids directly and down the line.

So my wife absolutely comes first before the kids. Period. We have a drop-dead time when the kids are 'banished' to their room and 'mom and dad' time starts. Every night. Non negotiable.

Our marriage has improved significantly by doing that alone.
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Old 12-31-2011, 10:04 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Which comes first marriage or children?

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I can't be a good husband or father if I don't take care of myself.

I can't be a good father if I'm not a good husband.

If my marriage atrophies, it will impact my kids directly and down the line.

So my wife absolutely comes first before the kids. Period. We have a drop-dead time when the kids are 'banished' to their room and 'mom and dad' time starts. Every night. Non negotiable.

Our marriage has improved significantly by doing that alone.
We do that as well. I think spending time together is critically important. If you take care of the marriage, you are also taking care of the kids. Nothing is better for them than having both parents in a true committed loving relationship.
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Old 01-01-2012, 04:45 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Which comes first marriage or children?

For us, we don't really separate marriage and kids. Kids are the product of our marriage. Like some said, the priority depends on the stage of each family. For instance, for couples with young children children should come first (of course should make way for couple time) if your toddler or infant in sick you wouldn't want to go for a cinema with your spouse. For those with older children, you shouldn't neglect your spouse and spend all your time with your kids. Its not about who come first its about striking a balance until our kids are independent. Both couples and children need time away from each other to have a healthy marriage and family. Its just my opinion.
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