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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:48 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

happy birthday Ursula!

Unfortunately many H's do this, work/getting ahead is top of the priority list. In academia it often becomes all consuming as there are multiple things to be done at one time, balancing all can be an uphill struggle particularly for single minded people. YOur H sounds single minded and is taking you for granted.

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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
happy birthday Ursula!



Unfortunately many H's do this, work/getting ahead is top of the priority list. In academia it often becomes all consuming as there are multiple things to be done at one time, balancing all can be an uphill struggle particularly for single minded people. YOur H sounds single minded and is taking you for granted.


I disagree that this is due to multiple things to be done at the same time. But I agree this is not a priority for him.

OP, this will never be a priority for him unless you make it a priority. Don't be passive and wait for the discussion to accidentally come up.

Tell him point blank you are disappointed. That celebrating your birthday is important to you. That him spending time with you on your bd is important. That you feeling you are a priority to him is important to you.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

She'sStillGotIt, you just hit not 1, but quite a few nails on the head. This is exactly what I'm currently feeling and struggling with. The thing is that he isn't a bad person; he's a good person! He just isn't the best fit for me, but he'd be a fantastic fit for someone. I'm having a hard time justifying leaving someone who isn't inherently bad to take a chance at the unknown. I will get there; it's just going to take a bit of time!

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Three years is a long time to be checked out. A long time. If you haven't managed to want to come back to him in 3 YEARS, doesn't that pretty much tell you that you've already tried as much as you can? What could you possibly regret? Not being checked out for 5 years or 10?

Most of them will take it any way they can get it. Back off male posters, I said MOST.

Well isn't he self-important and self-entitled, thinking he shouldn't give up anything to have the kids he apparently wants so bad - but he's fully on-board with YOU making all the sacrifices. Add on the fact that he has genetic abnormalities in his gene pool and that would pretty much seal the deal for me as far as even considering having kids with him.

Seriously, if having children is something you absolutely want to do and you don't love this man anymore, he's a complete dead end and you'll grow to resent him if you sacrifice having children so you can waste more of your time 'trying to fall in love with him again.' It's completely pointless.

Sometimes, you just need to know when to fold your cards and get up from the table.

Good luck to you.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

Hubby came home last night after a tough day at work; tough because a decision was made to put someone in charge of his department whose values he doesn't agree with. That's fair because we aren't always going to agree with everyone. However, he mentioned that he may need to think about getting out of teaching (he's a university prof) and go work in retail (he mentioned Home Depot). Does this sound normal?
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Hubby came home last night after a tough day at work; tough because a decision was made to put someone in charge of his department whose values he doesn't agree with. That's fair because we aren't always going to agree with everyone. However, he mentioned that he may need to think about getting out of teaching (he's a university prof) and go work in retail (he mentioned Home Depot). Does this sound normal?
That's quite a change! How old is he? I ask because my first thought was a mid-life crisis. Was he just joking around?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

@tropicalbeachiwish, I don't think he was kidding, but I do think that it was possibly something that just flew out of his mouth without thinking first. I hope! Not that there's anything wrong with retail, but yes, that's quite the change. This isn't the first time he's wanted out: shortly after we were married, he had a panic attack one weekend morning, and said that he couldn't work full time and be married; it was all too stressful. He booked an appt with a therapist, and worked through that soon afterwards. He's 47, by the way.

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That's quite a change! How old is he? I ask because my first thought was a mid-life crisis. Was he just joking around?
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Hubby came home last night after a tough day at work; tough because a decision was made to put someone in charge of his department whose values he doesn't agree with. That's fair because we aren't always going to agree with everyone. However, he mentioned that he may need to think about getting out of teaching (he's a university prof) and go work in retail (he mentioned Home Depot). Does this sound normal?
I work at a university--in admissions, not as a prof--and there are a LOT of internal politics, and nearly everyone is overworked and underpaid, professors and administrators alike. It's a work environment in which, depending on leadership--which changes regularly--it is very easy to get discouraged and frustrated.

I regularly contemplate up and quitting and going to work in retail or restaurants again, mostly because I'm burned out from the constant pressure. A retail or restaurant gig is appealing because it's low stress--you go in, work your shift, and then you're done. The mental strain doesn't follow you home; you don't have your boss (or students) emailing you on your smartphone while you're having dinner or on vacation.

This is very likely how your husband is feeling right now. I doubt he WANTS to be working over the weekend. It's likely he feels he has no choice.

Working in higher ed wasn't always like this. The "industry" has changed a lot in the last two decades, and your husband is probably feeling the strain of that.

Will he actually quit his teaching job to work in retail? I doubt it. No one wants to take a 60+% pay cut and the sacrifices that go along with it.

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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Birthday blues

Ursula, I'm a tenured University professor and has been in my profession for 27 years. I am a woman, married (first marriage for the both of us, 37 years married) and 59 years old. I am the breadwinner. My husband left his corporate position and became self-employed so that I can pursue my career in academia. I was 31 years old and my husband 33 years old when I begun my tenure track career in academia. My husband financed my doctoral degree, working in a brutal corporate world.

A tenure track professor has to have a PH.D., equivalent to 12 years of very hard academic preparation. Your husband is under probation for 5 years; whereby, he is to fulfill the areas of teaching, research, and service. He is scrutinized all the time and harshly evaluated every year. With Millenial students, who are undesciplined and entitled, his challenges are far greater today. If your husband fails to reach tenure, his career is over in academia. He is talking about working for retail to let out some pressure.

I will share my story with you and readers here, who are unfamiliar with the demands of the academic world. I worked 7 days a week and just merely met deadlines for five years. For the first two years of my university teaching life, I did not see my parents, but spoke to them only by phone. Birthdays, Christmases, & Holidays, my husband did all that so that I won't miss out.

I still work on weekends many times, if that is called upon. My skills are now far better than when I was a junior faculty that I can obtain some balance in my life. Think carefully about leaving your marriage. You need to seek out the counseling services of the university. They are most willing to help out struggling spouses.

By the way, I'm now poised for early retirement. Because of patience, love, and understanding, my husband and I will be able to retire at age 60 & 62 pretty soon. Think carefully before calling it quits. You can do much worse than your husband.

Last edited by Roselyn; 04-08-2017 at 03:24 PM.
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
We cleared a lot of subjects last night during our talk, and in the end, he got teary and said that he's sure that we're going to be okay, and that everything is going to work out for us. I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't sure he understood the gravity of the situation, and that after 3-ish years of my being checked out, that I really am not sure if it's possible to check back in or fall in love with someone again. He is hell bent on trying until we make it, and I'm still on the fence about this whole situation. I really don't want to be a divorcee, but I also want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too.
Three years is a long time to be checked out. A long time. If you haven't managed to want to come back to him in 3 YEARS, doesn't that pretty much tell you that you've already tried as much as you can? What could you possibly regret? Not being checked out for 5 years or 10?

Quote:
Oh, and after pretty much telling him I'm almost done, and not really in love with him anymore, he was still ready for some sex, which never happened, but he was still ready to roll. Is this normal?
Most of them will take it any way they can get it. Back off male posters, I said MOST.

Quote:
Last night, he said that he would love to have a family with me, but when I mentioned that he might have to give up his 1 after-work activity should we have children, he kind of balked at that, and said that he wouldn't give it up, but would just have to find a time that worked better to take part in it. I, on the other, understand that I would have to give up my 2 activities.
Well isn't he self-important and self-entitled, thinking he shouldn't give up anything to have the kids he apparently wants so bad - but he's fully on-board with YOU making all the sacrifices. Add on the fact that he has genetic abnormalities in his gene pool and that would pretty much seal the deal for me as far as even considering having kids with him.

Seriously, if having children is something you absolutely want to do and you don't love this man anymore, he's a complete dead end and you'll grow to resent him if you sacrifice having children so you can waste more of your time 'trying to fall in love with him again.' It's completely pointless.

Sometimes, you just need to know when to fold your cards and get up from the table.

Good luck to you.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:59 PM
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Re: Birthday blues

It sounds like he put a lot of himself (identity ) in his work. Him quitting might be the realization he needs to figure out that work is work but family is what matters. I work in a field full of people who get way too wrapped up in the cause and miss life. Not worth it but I do get it when it's part of your identity.


Second question is how big a deal do you make with his birthday. I ask because I always Made a big deal about my x's birthday but mine was just another day. Made me want to, and eventually end up, doing nothing for her as well.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

Thanks for the reply, Roselyn, I'm sorry, I missed the updates to this thread until now.

I fully understand the demands of being a professor, and my H has all the necessary degrees for such a career (2 masters, doctorate and post-doctorate). He has a number of years of post secondary behind him, which is another reason I cannot understand why someone would want to throw all of that away. His Mom has been after him to quit since we were dating, but he loves teaching.

That's fantastic that your husband supported your career! I think it's important to support one another. However, there are many more things going on in our marriage than just the fact that we don't spend any time together. I do have an update to add to this, but will do that in another message.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselyn View Post
Ursula, I'm a tenured University professor and has been in my profession for 27 years. I am a woman, married (first marriage for the both of us, 37 years married) and 59 years old. I am the breadwinner. My husband left his corporate position and became self-employed so that I can pursue my career in academia. I was 31 years old and my husband 33 years old when I begun my tenure track career in academia. My husband financed my doctoral degree, working in a brutal corporate world.

A tenure track professor has to have a PH.D., equivalent to 12 years of very hard academic preparation. Your husband is under probation for 5 years; whereby, he is to fulfill the areas of teaching, research, and service. He is scrutinized all the time and harshly evaluated every year. With Millenial students, who are undesciplined and entitled, his challenges are far greater today. If your husband fails to reach tenure, his career is over in academia. He is talking about working for retail to let out some pressure.

I will share my story with you and readers here, who are unfamiliar with the demands of the academic world. I worked 7 days a week and just merely met deadlines for five years. For the first two years of my university teaching life, I did not see my parents, but spoke to them only by phone. Birthdays, Christmases, & Holidays, my husband did all that so that I won't miss out.

I still work on weekends many times, if that is called upon. My skills are now far better than when I was a junior faculty that I can obtain some balance in my life. Think carefully about leaving your marriage. You need to seek out the counseling services of the university. They are most willing to help out struggling spouses.

By the way, I'm now poised for early retirement. Because of patience, love, and understanding, my husband and I will be able to retire at age 60 & 62 pretty soon. Think carefully before calling it quits. You can do much worse than your husband.
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

His work is a huge part of him, and I've gotten accused of "denying him as a person" when I asked him to not check his phone for student emails while walking through a crowded movie theater on a rare date night.

I think that birthays are important, and a nice thing to acknowledge, and I've always gone out fairly big for his special day. He grew up not getting things like gifts or a cake, so I do this for him now. I listen for conversational hints about things that he might like, and for one of his birthdays past, I got him Broadway tickets for a play in NYC that he absolutely LOVES. H sings operetta, or has in the past, and was a part of a musical theatre group years ago, so I knew that this was up his alley. I take him out for supper to a nice restaurant, and also bake him a cake. If it falls on a weekend, I make sure that I'm available for any plans he might like to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolf1974 View Post
It sounds like he put a lot of himself (identity ) in his work. Him quitting might be the realization he needs to figure out that work is work but family is what matters. I work in a field full of people who get way too wrapped up in the cause and miss life. Not worth it but I do get it when it's part of your identity.

Second question is how big a deal do you make with his birthday. I ask because I always Made a big deal about my x's birthday but mine was just another day. Made me want to, and eventually end up, doing nothing for her as well.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

So, a continuation to H's changes at his job. The person who was put in a position of power was temporary, apparently. This wasn't mentioned when it initially happened, so I thought this was a permanent decision. There's now someone permanent in that position who H likes and agrees with, so things are good at his work again. He did say again though that if he didn't get full-time permanent at his school in the next few years (he's been full-time temporary for 9 years now) that he would consider quitting and taking on a job that would allow him to spend more time with me, and then we could start our family. Okay, a few year to me means about 5 years. In 5 years, I will be 44 and he will be 52, and I don't really want to be *starting* a family at that point. He also doesn't realize that his income would be less than half what he's making now, and we would need his income to support a family.

On another note, I emailed my lawyer yesterday regarding confirmation that an amendment that was requested in 2014/2015 was done to our prenup, and what her retainer fee was. She came back saying that she would recommend either doing up a new agreement for $1500 or redoing the amendment for $700-$1000. Is this typical? Why would we have to redo our prenup at this point? I thought that once a prenup was done, it was done, and it protected the people involved in the event of a divorce. And, I do remember signing the amendment in 2015, but was just looking for confirmation that she had the updated paperwork on record. What gives… Is she just after more money, or do these things that have been done for years really have to be redone?
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

Given what your ages will be in five years, that sounds like it will be too late to start a family. Hell, I'm 37 and my partner is 48... he wanted to have kids/a family once upon a time, and was even trying with his XW when she left him eight years ago. I've never really wanted kids, but even if I did, I never wanted to start this late in my life, and my partner feels that it's too late for him to start now, too. We both want to enjoy our retirement, not still be raising kids or putting them through college while we're supposed to be enjoying our golden years.

There's never a perfect time to have a family. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be to conceive and the chances of a special needs child/pregnancy complications increases the longer you wait.

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