Birthday blues - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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Birthday blues

So, this coming weekend is my birthday. H and I, as you know, have been going through our recommended book, and trying to improve things in our marriage, and we've been talking about spending more time together. Granted, we really don't spend any time together, so anything would be an improvement in this regard! We used to go to our local rec centre for a workout and a swim every 3-4 weeks on a Sunday. We haven't done this for well over a year, and I've mentioned doing this a couple times recently. Since my birthday falls on a Sunday, I thought this would be the perfect excuse to do this, but H told me that he has too much marking/work to do, and that he probably won't be able to spend any of the day with me except for the already planned supper. Am I wrong to be disappointed? I tried to hide my disappointment, and brush it off like it was no big deal, but it still would be nice to feel important enough. Instead, it just feels like I'm (and our relationship) isn't a priority to him.

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

Tell him you are going to the rec center to swim. He can come or not.

BTW, what is "marking", and why is that a priority for him?

Don't hide your disappointment. At this point you are heading for divorce and you have nothing to lose. Tell him that you are disappointed that he couldn't take a few extra hours out of his schedule to celebrate your birthday.

Be direct. Some guys need that. (I'm a guy and I hate wife expecting me to pick up hidden clues). No more hinting or hiding.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

Blue is correct....this is your day, you get to do what you want, and if hubby wants to join you than he can but if not...then do not wait for him, do not put you life on hold until he is ready to join....go to the rec enter, enjoy yourself, then do something else you have wanted to do...and do it. sooner or later he may get the point that all work and no play makes hubby a lonely man

PS Happy Birthday
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

Oh, yes. Forgot. Happy Birthday.

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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
So, this coming weekend is my birthday. H and I, as you know, have been going through our recommended book, and trying to improve things in our marriage, and we've been talking about spending more time together. Granted, we really don't spend any time together, so anything would be an improvement in this regard! We used to go to our local rec centre for a workout and a swim every 3-4 weeks on a Sunday. We haven't done this for well over a year, and I've mentioned doing this a couple times recently. Since my birthday falls on a Sunday, I thought this would be the perfect excuse to do this, but H told me that he has too much marking/work to do, and that he probably won't be able to spend any of the day with me except for the already planned supper. Am I wrong to be disappointed? I tried to hide my disappointment, and brush it off like it was no big deal, but it still would be nice to feel important enough. Instead, it just feels like I'm (and our relationship) isn't a priority to him.
I totally get it, my last birthday was all but forgotten about by my wife. She was too busy helping her bosses girlfriend plan a surprise party for him on the date of my birthday, his actual birthday wasn't for another 3 months. I had expressed to her my disappointment that his party was being planned on my birthday and she told me that she was planning something for me, but that never happened. And not only did nothing ever happen, I had to answer questions from friends about if we were doing something. At first I would tell them that she told me she was planning something, but after a few weeks I just told them I didn't know and they'd have to ask her. Now granted I'm not big on attention and birthday celebrations for me really aren't necessary, but along with all of that I also never received a gift from her or our young son.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

Happy upcoming birthday!

After your swim, have a masseuse scheduled (they are pretty flexible with their schedules), then treat yourself to your favorite dessert with a friend... birthdays deserve friends to share them with.

I understand your disappointment, but the truth is you are important... you truly don't need him to tell you that.

I agree with above, share that disappointment before then so the obvious is stated... then if he still chooses his priorities poorly, share your wonderful day at dinner, not in spite, but in the true happiness you found in and with yourself.. your priority.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
I totally get it, my last birthday was all but forgotten about by my wife. She was too busy helping her bosses girlfriend plan a surprise party for him on the date of my birthday, his actual birthday wasn't for another 3 months. I had expressed to her my disappointment that his party was being planned on my birthday and she told me that she was planning something for me, but that never happened. And not only did nothing ever happen, I had to answer questions from friends about if we were doing something. At first I would tell them that she told me she was planning something, but after a few weeks I just told them I didn't know and they'd have to ask her. Now granted I'm not big on attention and birthday celebrations for me really aren't necessary, but along with all of that I also never received a gift from her or our young son.
Mine forgot mine once also... the year all kids were out of the house.

It fell in a Saturday I asked if anything was planned for the day and she said "yard work" but by 4:00 PM I realized it was not thought about so I told her I was going for a walk at the river and ended up passing an area where a favorite brewery was, so walked in and seeing nobody I knew ordered a round for a table that had an empty chair and sat down with them letting them know that birthdays were meant with friends, and since I had no friends here I thought I'd make some new ones and no better way than the present. They were most welcoming and I had a blast...

Wife asked where I had been and when I told her, her face dropped... she had blown the date off completely.

It was fun watching her trying to make it up... and I let her.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

Hey Blue,

I've since made some plans with my Mom to have a bit of a girl's day (go for lunch, hit our favourite store). I know that it will be fun for her and I, and I'm looking forward to it! I also know that if I were to stay at home, I would do housework, which isn't a bad thing, but not something I want to do all day on my birthday. The dogs will spend the day with their furry cousins, and H will stay home to do his thing. By the way, H is a contracted University professor (not tentured), and he has class prep and marking of assignments and exams (hence, the marking). Thing is that sometimes I do freelance work, and if it were his birthday, and I had a project in, I would try to spend a little extra time beforehand on the project so that I could spend at least part of the day with him if both of us had the day off.

No, I guess I shouldn't have hidden my disappointment, as I really have nothing more to lose at this point. I won't bring it up, but if it does happen to come up, I will let him know my feelings.

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Tell him you are going to the rec center to swim. He can come or not.

BTW, what is "marking", and why is that a priority for him?

Don't hide your disappointment. At this point you are heading for divorce and you have nothing to lose. Tell him that you are disappointed that he couldn't take a few extra hours out of his schedule to celebrate your birthday.

Be direct. Some guys need that. (I'm a guy and I hate wife expecting me to pick up hidden clues). No more hinting or hiding.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

Wow, AtMyEnd and Emerging Buddhist, I'm so sorry that your wives; that truly sucks! EB, it sounds like you had a good time with new friends regardless. AME, was anything ever done for your birthday?

By the way, thanks to all for the early birthday wishes; you're all very sweet! :-)
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

I've had similar experiences, my birthday is not a special day for my wife so she does little to nothing to help me celebrate. This used to make me sad until I realized that if my birthday was going to continue to be a special day, I would have to make it special myself. I schedule special activities for the both of us and if she doesn't come, I really don't care. I use the day to do what I want. If she skips it or has no time for my birthday, what ev's, but I better not forget her's. Just another day in the life of a ****ty marriage. You can't make someone do something for you if they don't want to.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Birthday blues

If he knows in advance that he will have a lot of work, why can't he put in some extra time during the week to get it done so that he doesn't have to do it on your birthday.

I would sit him down and say, "We're trying to work on improving our marriage and spend more time together, aren't we? We can't just talk about spending more time together, we actually have to do it. I expressed a desire to spend time with you on my birthday, which is very important to me, both because it's my birthday and because I want to spend more time with my husband. Instead of acknowledging that this was important and trying to find a way to make it work, you not only told me that you would be too busy that day to spend time with me, but you also didn't offer an alternate plan to celebrate my birthday or another way to spend time together. In terms of working on our marriage and spending time together, this is a failure on your part, as it shows me that our marriage and I are not a priority to you. So let's revisit this. My birthday is coming up, and I would like to spend the day with my husband. I think this might be a nice day for us to start going back to the rec center, since we've been talking about it for a while. What do you think?"

Basically, I'm thinking, tell him that he screwed up and how, and give him an opportunity to rectify his mistakes.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

Last night, H and I got into an argument, and in the end, I decided to bring up the topic of my birthday. His reasoning for not taking time to help me celebrate is this: birthdays usually fall during weekdays, and then, we usually only celebrate in the evenings, and he didn't consider that it falls on a weekend this year, and there's more to the day than the evening. He's working hard, and is trying to get ahead, would love to spend some of the day with me, but just doesn't think he'll have time.

We cleared a lot of subjects last night during our talk, and in the end, he got teary and said that he's sure that we're going to be okay, and that everything is going to work out for us. I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't sure he understood the gravity of the situation, and that after 3-ish years of my being checked out, that I really am not sure if it's possible to check back in or fall in love with someone again. He is hell bent on trying until we make it, and I'm still on the fence about this whole situation. I really don't want to be a divorcee, but I also want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too. I don't want to regret not trying, but I don't want to spend the next 2 years still trying, then losing more time. Oh, and after pretty much telling him I'm almost done, and not really in love with him anymore, he was still ready for some sex, which never happened, but he was still ready to roll. Is this normal?

Last night, he said that he would love to have a family with me, but when I mentioned that he might have to give up his 1 after-work activity should we have children, he kind of balked at that, and said that he wouldn't give it up, but would just have to find a time that worked better to take part in it. I, on the other, understand that I would have to give up my 2 activities. I also mentioned again that with the mental illness in his family, that it would be unwise for us to procreate. For some reason, he thinks that these genes would only come from his Dad's side, and not his Mom's side. His sister is also severely affected, along with a number of family members from both sides.

I think I'll get online to see what my therapist's schedule is like, and when I can get in to see her again.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Birthday blues

You never lose time if that time is spent working on you... everything else that falls into place is "gravy" (extra, in a good way), even if it means your paths have led to different goals which may take you different directions and realize that together is not where you will be in the end. I learned you cannot grow together if you cannot grow individually... that may mean only one of you is growing at a time, but my favorite mantra right now is "change is not for the impatient", and it truly isn't no matter where applied.

I made a mistake many years back in thinking "you need to grow with me as this is our journey"... truth was, that was never in my control, and if growing was meant to be solitary at times, I had to accept that. Interestingly enough, it was when I did spend that time focused on me that my awareness came best.

Your heart is in the right place... as your mind comes to recognize the peace that you are not following your fears (divorce is a fear for sure) in your decisions, things become much more clear. I know my most profound freedom comes when I listen compassionately and tune in to my heart, keeping my emotional reactions separate from my thoughts I found that my heart had a much more clear, very subtle, way of saying “I know what I need to do” and “this is not the right path for me.”

As for the sex... it's his affirmation there is still some-how, some-way, a connection in the best way he can express it.

Balking is a simple statement that says "I am not ready"... an unknown is understandable, a known like you shared not so much.

Keep the conversations going... focus on the present, trust the process.

PS... Again, a very joyous Birthday to you this Sunday.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Birthday blues

Thanks EB, pretty much everything you said was bang-on, and made loads of sense. I guess I just have to stop being impatient with wanting change, and trust the process instead. I'll continue to work on changing myself, for me, because at this point, I don't expect things to change drastically in our relationship, and going forward in another relationship, should I be so lucky, I would like to put forward the absolute best version of myself possible. And if that doesn't happen, well, I'll always have dogs! :-D
Thank-you again too, for the birthday wishes :-)
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:42 AM
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Re: Birthday blues

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We cleared a lot of subjects last night during our talk, and in the end, he got teary and said that he's sure that we're going to be okay, and that everything is going to work out for us. I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't sure he understood the gravity of the situation, and that after 3-ish years of my being checked out, that I really am not sure if it's possible to check back in or fall in love with someone again. He is hell bent on trying until we make it, and I'm still on the fence about this whole situation. I really don't want to be a divorcee, but I also want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too.
Three years is a long time to be checked out. A long time. If you haven't managed to want to come back to him in 3 YEARS, doesn't that pretty much tell you that you've already tried as much as you can? What could you possibly regret? Not being checked out for 5 years or 10?

Quote:
Oh, and after pretty much telling him I'm almost done, and not really in love with him anymore, he was still ready for some sex, which never happened, but he was still ready to roll. Is this normal?
Most of them will take it any way they can get it. Back off male posters, I said MOST.

Quote:
Last night, he said that he would love to have a family with me, but when I mentioned that he might have to give up his 1 after-work activity should we have children, he kind of balked at that, and said that he wouldn't give it up, but would just have to find a time that worked better to take part in it. I, on the other, understand that I would have to give up my 2 activities.
Well isn't he self-important and self-entitled, thinking he shouldn't give up anything to have the kids he apparently wants so bad - but he's fully on-board with YOU making all the sacrifices. Add on the fact that he has genetic abnormalities in his gene pool and that would pretty much seal the deal for me as far as even considering having kids with him.

Seriously, if having children is something you absolutely want to do and you don't love this man anymore, he's a complete dead end and you'll grow to resent him if you sacrifice having children so you can waste more of your time 'trying to fall in love with him again.' It's completely pointless.

Sometimes, you just need to know when to fold your cards and get up from the table.

Good luck to you.
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