General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years. We have three children. My husband is a hobbiest photographer that is trying to become a professional photographer but also works a typical 9-5 job. He created a photo club where other hobby photographers get together and shoot pics together once a month. The focus of the group is to learn new techniques and get advice from each other to become better photographers. He books the models, location, and controls who is invited to the group.
The club got together on Sunday for their monthly shoot. I was aware that the shoot was going to be with two female models. I understood the shoot to be a fashion shoot. This is not the first time they have done a high fashion shoot. My husband has a rented photo studio location in the town we live. The club was meeting at the photo studio.
At about 630 he called my cell and said they just finished the photo shoot. The next thing out of his mouth was "I am not going to like these photos."
He continued to tell me that the two model brought lingerie and the photo shoot was in lengerie. He told me they brought dresses too so it was not just lengerie. He told me it was artistic photos. He told me he had no idea they were going to show up with that stuff. It just happened and the other photographers in the club had no problem with it. He admitted that right from the beginning he knew I would not like it but did it anyway. He told me he did not tell them to bring those things.
I explained that I was upset that he did it behind my back. I was upset because he knew I would not like it even before they started to shoot but disregarded me and did it anyway. I felt like he disrespected me and I felt blind sided. I also felt that as the organizer of the photo shoot he was in control and had the power to say this is not what the shoot was about.
Well, about an hour later we are both at home. He asked me if I wanted to see what he shot. I said yes, if they are artistic. If they are not artistic I will have a problem with them.
I was in shock once I saw them. They were not artistic no matter how you tell it. I read cosmo and other high fashion mags that have women in hardly anything and I can usually respect the vision of the photographer. In this case one girl was laying on the floor in a thong and bra with boobs all out. Her high heels were pulling her thong off. I do not see that in high fashion mags. It is hard to describe but it is more like photos for a girly calendar that you would see hung up in a dirty old mans workshop. The dresses that he mentioned were barely dresses. The girls were sitting with their legs open and boobs almost out in the dresses. They had fingers in their mouths sucking them. That is not art to me.
He feels it was art and upset with me that I did not support him. He was disappointed in me that I can't see they are art and compliment him on his great photography. He told me I should not be upset. I should be secure in our relationship and said after all these years I should not care. He told me it is because I am uptight about sexuality. He told me if I would have told me about it when they pulled out the lingerie I would have said no so he did it anyway.
I am upset because he had no respect to let me know. I am uptight but if you give me some time to think about things and your perspective I will open up. I am really mad about the fact that he knew I would be upset but did it anyway. That is disrespectful. I was upset that he got caught up in the moment and could not step back to see these are not artisitic anymore. They crossed the line and he did nothing about it.
I told him I just need to be left alone to get over it. My feelings are really hurt. I told him these are the emotions and feelings I am having and I can't just make it go away. It is my perspective and that is real. It is now a couple days later and I am still very emotional about it. I feel like I want to cry about it. I don't know how to get over it. I feel like a piece of crap that he would not have respect for me and my feelings. I am embarassed about it and can't talk to my friends or family about it. They would all flip out if they knew he took pics of girls in lingerie, artistic or not.
After all these years I am disappointed in him. I guess I just need some perspective and other opinions. Am I wrong to be upset? How do I move on??? Maybe I am just looking for validation of my feelings and he won't give it to me so I am not letting it go.
I have to begin by saying that if you trust him, and that he did not touch them in inappropriate manners, then it probably isn't worth getting this upset about. the fact that he showed them to you brings what happened out in the open. Clearly, it wasn't his intention of doing something and then hiding it from you.
Had he said nothing and then later you found out by either finding the pictures in his collection, or even finding them hidden from you, then I can see reason for concern, but again, the fact that he called you and then wanted you to see them leads me to believe that while it may not have been what was expected, that it wasn't hidden or lied about.
What if he had refused to take part in the activity and then later you saw one of the other peoples' pictures. You might then assume that he took pictures himself and chose to hide them from you.
Is the problem that he took and participated in such things, or is it that you think that he did something else that he is not telling you about? If you trust him then it should probably be a non-issue.
If this is your school of thought, you should remember that he was in a photo studio... not a hotel room and that there were other people around. Other than taking pictures, what else could he have been doing?
It is okay to feel that that particular activity is inappropriate, and it is even okay to talk to him about it and tell him your feelings. He should be willing to listen, and even to apologize for the way it turned out.
personal story... As an event promoter, I put together a concert that included a pretty big name entertainer on the ticket. He was drunk and the show was awful, but by the time I found out, the show was in progress and it was too late to pull the plug on it. I just had to let it go on and hope for the best.
In the end, there were some people that were angry and that wanted their money back, others that lost respect for the performer, and others yet that didn't think there was anything wrong with the show. Had I been able to stop the show, everyone would have walked away disappointed. Sometimes when things don't go as planned, you just have to ride it out to save face.
But I will throw a couple of things out there. 1st, take some solace in the fact that he told you at all. He could've just lied, hid the pictures from you and acted like it never happened. He told you right after it happened. Obviously, he should've told you before, but he didn't.
Next question, has he ever done anything like this before? As a man, I can testify to the fact that men are stupid about some things when it comes to women. Now, again, I'm not saying it's right, but if all of his buddies were there, he probably felt pressured into doing it for fear he would look "un-manly" in front of them. After it was over, he felt the guilt and decided to call you and confess.
What I guess I'm saying as a fellow man who has been known to do stupid things... is to not go TOO hard on him. He obviously screwed up, he knows he screwed up, he tried to make it better, although he should've gone about it a different way, he attempted. Maybe he really did think that because of your relationship that you wouldn't be too upset about it. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm saying he honestly may have thought it. Guys seriously have a habit of thinking things would be OK that if you asked their wives, they would be pissed.
It will be hard to forgive him, but just remember some of those things there. It might help you get over it if you can kind of understand his point of view a little bit.
I'll give you an example. When my wife and I were first together, I was home one day, board and screwing around on the computer. Doing some googling, playing a few games. I started looking up some Porn sites. Now, I'm not a porn addict, not a porn regular, nothing of the like. I was NOT sitting there masturbating while looking at it or anything. Just looking at it...
I honestly didn't think anything of it. I didn't clear the history, didn't try to cover my tracks. I honestly thought it was no big deal. I knew I loved my wife. I didn't want these girls. I would never exchange them for my wife, ever. I knew this, so no big deal right???
Yeah, my wife found the sites later that night. Needless to say, see was upset, sad, angry, amongst other things. I told her I was just looking around and it was no big deal. Obviously to her, it was a big deal. She couldn't understand. In her mind, if I loved her and found her attractive, I would never look at this stuff. I honestly didn't see it that way.... BUT my mistake (and countless numbers of guys around the worlds mistakes) is that we either A.) don't think about what our women would think or B.) are completely wrong about what our women would think. Or, a combination of the two. If I wouldn't known how upset she would've gotten with me before hand, I would've never done it... but because my mind doesn't exactly work like my wifes, it never processed. I've had other relationships were it didn't matter and the other person didn't care.
Now that I know it. I don't do it. And I wouldn't have done it. Many women may not understand, but I was honestly 100% clueless to the fact that she would get so upset.
I know what makes my husband tick. I know his values and he knows mine. I know what he likes and dislikes. I know what pushes his buttons or will set him off after 13 years. I do not do those things he does not like or is against his values because I care for him and respect him. I try not to do things intentionally to hurt him.
I feel disrespected because he knew I would be unhappy if he did the photo shoot like that but he did not care about my feelings and did it anyway. It is as simple as that I guess. He did not care about what I thought. He dismissed me. As if my feelings were not more important then him taking pictures of girls in lingerie. That is not respect in my eyes.
He did not care and I am his wife and he should care I felt. I am his wife and thought I deserved to be the priority, not a photo shoot like that. He knew which is hard for me to accept I guess.
Hopefully that is more clear to explain why I feel disrespected. I need to find a way to move on but am struggeling with the my hurt feelings.
I need to find a way to move on but am struggeling with the my hurt feelings.
I think the reason you are stuck and can't move on is that your feelings are not clear.
You say:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinity
I feel disrespected because he knew I would be unhappy if he did the photo shoot like that but he did not care about my feelings and did it anyway. It is as simple as that I guess. He did not care about what I thought.
This is not a full answer. You say: He did not care about what I thought. , but you do not actually come out and say what it is that you thought.
Am I making sense? You are saying, he knew he should not have pressed that button. I am asking: Which button is that?
I know what makes my husband tick. I know his values and he knows mine. I know what he likes and dislikes. I know what pushes his buttons or will set him off after 13 years. I do not do those things he does not like or is against his values because I care for him and respect him. I try not to do things intentionally to hurt him.
I feel disrespected because he knew I would be unhappy if he did the photo shoot like that but he did not care about my feelings and did it anyway. It is as simple as that I guess. He did not care about what I thought. He dismissed me. As if my feelings were not more important then him taking pictures of girls in lingerie. That is not respect in my eyes.
He did not care and I am his wife and he should care I felt. I am his wife and thought I deserved to be the priority, not a photo shoot like that. He knew which is hard for me to accept I guess.
Hopefully that is more clear to explain why I feel disrespected. I need to find a way to move on but am struggeling with the my hurt feelings.
Like I said before, he was not right. He knows that. I know that, you know that. I'm not defending him in any way.
I've heard the same things from my wife concerning different circumstances. He sounds a lot like me.
Let me just say this one little thing as a guy that's been in a similar situation, that just because he did something stupid like that, made a bad choice doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and doesn't respect you. Many guys have problems with this when they are around other guys (I did and still do to a point).
It's like a group of male lions strutting their stuff. They don't want to look un-masculine in front of other men. With some it overpowers them to the point that they do some stupid things. Normally they aren't HUGE things like cheating or anything like that. Normally it's things like this, were they can somehow justify it in their head when the situation presents itself (like his comments about you should be comfortable enough in the relationship, trust him after 13 years, and it was artistic, etc.) And usually, once they've "left the heard" they realize what they had done... which was about the time he called you to confess about it.
I know all of this sounds stupid (and again, it's not right). I guess all I'm doing is kind of giving you some outside opinions as to what he was thinking at the time. Not condoning it, not defending it, but hopefully kind of giving you some insight and understanding that could maybe help you deal with it, and possibly forgive him down the road.
Hmmm, very good question thanks for making me clarify.
The "button" he pushed would have to be taking pictures of women in lingerie which is against my conservative views. He knows I have very strict values regarding the portrayal of women. Portraying a women as a sexual object is not acceptable. In all our years of dating and marriage it has been clear and he has always respected my views until now.
We have three daughters and I would never want them to be portrayed the way those two models were portrayed. I asked him if it would be okay for his daughters to take pictures like that and he said "hell no." My values extend to all women, not just our daughters.
I could go on and on about women rights and equality but hopefully you get the general idea.
Thanks for your perspective GPR! I appreciate your feedback.
I do know it is a mistake he made. It just made me so sad and disappointed. I am lucky that he was honest with me and told me everything right away. You are right I would have flipped out if I found out later if I found out by other circumstances. If he would not have told me I would have wondered what he was hiding.
Hmmm, very good question thanks for making me clarify.
The "button" he pushed would have to be taking pictures of women in lingerie which is against my conservative views. He knows I have very strict values regarding the portrayal of women. Portraying a women as a sexual object is not acceptable.
Just to clarify, are you saying you are against such pictures no mater who takes them, or is it because your husband took them?
As a professional photographer your husband might be asked to take pictures of other subjects that you might be opposed to. Do you feel that he should have to ask your permission first? This is going to be his work. He was honest with you. There wasn't an intent on his part to disrespect you. I think this is more your personal feelings about these kind of pictures rather than what your husband did. Since this upset you a great deal, you should talk with him about future photo shoots. Agree on what is and what is not acceptable for the both of you. I don't think he meant to hurt you intentionally. I wish my husband were that honest.
It's like a group of male lions strutting their stuff. They don't want to look un-masculine in front of other men. With some it overpowers them to the point that they do some stupid things.
My H did something similar when he was out with some guy friends. He didnt tell me, but by the look on his face i could tell he was hiding something. So I pried it out of him.
I dont think you are overreacting at all. It sounds like the lines were very clear on what was acceptable and not acceptable. dont let him off the hook. dont just try to get over it b/c he thinks you're over reacting. keep trying to talk it out. If you can work it out, then you can be sure he will learn from it.
I talked to my H when he did a similar thing. i told him i understood he felt pressured and didnt want to seem ridiculous leaving. but i kept talking to him until he realized that next time the right thing to do would be to walk away.
Make sure you validate how your H is feeilng, too. if he was hurt that you didnt appreciate his 'art', then talk about that. Tell him you would be glad to talk about how this made him feel, but right now you need him to understand how his actions affected you.
this is just my opinion, but to me it seems your conservative views are clouding your judgement. he didn't go home w/ the models, he didn't touch the models, there were other people there (are there any girls in this photo club?) he told you right away what happend and showed you the pics. he might have gotten away w/ it if he didn't say anything, but because he loves and respects you, he laid everything out for you so you know that nothing happened. you have to remember he's a guy and ALL guys look. it's the good guys that don't touch and your hubby's a good guy
You say you felt blind-sided and I would think he felt the same way when they showed up with the lingerie. He had to make a fast decision at that moment and although he knew you would be upset, he obviously didn't feel that this was so inappropriate that he should cancel the shoot, and he was honest with you about it.
I would appreciate the honesty as he knew you would be upset but put his respect for your honest relationship above keeping himself out of 'hot water'. Since you appear to have different views on art and what is appropriate or not, perhaps this is where you should focus your thoughts and if he plans to stay within your comfort zone going forward he can make some changes (discuss wardrobe up front) to avoid these situations down the road.
I would appreciate the honesty as he knew you would be upset but put his respect for your honest relationship above keeping himself out of 'hot water'. Since you appear to have different views on art and what is appropriate or not, perhaps this is where you should focus your thoughts and if he plans to stay within your comfort zone going forward he can make some changes (discuss wardrobe up front) to avoid these situations down the road.
This type of advice works for me. I started to get a little freaked out yesterday when someone asked me to evaluate if I could be with a man that had different views then me. I see the post is gone today so I suppose who posted it had second thoughts about it being helpful. I did not come on here to entertain the idea of not being with my husband. I adore my husband and maybe that is why I felt so hurt. I wanted advice on how to heal my hurt feelings. Thanks to those offering constructive advice and respecting my conservative views for what they are even if you don't agree.
I feel disrespected and can't move on. 
Re: I feel disrespected and can't move on. 
