Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

What's Normal?

2K views 14 replies 7 participants last post by  Nucking Futs 
#1 ·
I was married for 32 years to an emotionally deficient man. Our divorce was contentious, but I am finally getting on with my life. After so many years of heartache, I have met a kind, caring, wonderful man who treats me like a queen. Life is good except for one thing: my boyfriend's ex-wife's relationship with his family.

He was married for almost 30 years before their divorce, and his ex-wife was and still is very much a part of his family. Holidays, family birthdays . . . she's invited and even hosts many of the events. I honestly believe his parents, brother, and sister like me, but I'm never invited to be a part of these family celebrations because his ex-wife will be there.

My question is, what is normal after a divorce when couples have become so enmeshed in the other's family? We've been dating for almost two years and are very serious, although marriage is not in the cards right now. Do I just need to chill and wait until I am a more "legal" part of his life, or am I justified to feel hurt that his family doesn't include me in family gatherings and he doesn't ask them to? My situation is so different from my new guy's–his divorce was amicable and he remains friendly with his ex-wife. Mine was contentious and relations are strained and awkward. Is this vantage point to blame for my not understanding his situation or is he being insensitive to my feelings? I honestly don't know. I'd appreciate insight from others dealing with this situation.

Thank you!
 
See less See more
#2 ·
After 2 years together he should I think be including you more. How the ex-wife feels about his new partner is hardly your, or your mans concern.
He should be making it clear to his family that you're a part of his life and should be included/treated as such.
Have a talk to him about how it makes you feel.
 
#3 ·
Yes, you need to talk with him and let him know how this familial exclusion makes you feel. After two years, you're clearly an important part of his life, and he should be insisting that you be invited to family gatherings in recognition of the fact that he sees you continuing to be a part of his life.

He has no control over whether or not his family members continue to have a relationship with his XW, and maybe it doesn't bother him, but if he intends for you to be a long-term per permanent presence in his life, then he needs to start taking your feelings into consideration (and talk to his family, if need be). But he can't do that if you're not communicating your feelings to him about this.
 
#4 ·
His family won't change the level of your involvement until your husband gives them reason to. Two years is long enough to be included in family matters. If he's not willing to listen to your concerns and raise the legitimate matter with his parents, then be prepared to be the mystery woman forever.

Just bear in mind that some parents can't let go of exes. My husband's ex has a very strong relationship with his mom. Lucky for me, his mom loves me, too, so there's no issue. But, if things were different, I'd expect my husband to make sure I was included, else we'd have a bit of a problem.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Rowan
#5 ·
Thank you so much for the replies. I haven't made this a big deal with him because I suspect his family's answer would be to invite both me and his ex-wife. I'm uncomfortable with that, but I don't want to make him feel like he's choosing. I don't know that it's fair to ask her not to come. I don't know the answer. I just wondered what others thought. Thanks for your help!
 
#6 ·
Thank you so much for the replies. I haven't made this a big deal with him because I suspect his family's answer would be to invite both me and his ex-wife. I'm uncomfortable with that, but I don't want to make him feel like he's choosing. I don't know that it's fair to ask her not to come. I don't know the answer. I just wondered what others thought. Thanks for your help!
If he wants you to be a permanent part of his life and it makes you that uncomfortable, YES, he should choose, and he should be choosing YOU. And really, if their divorce was so amicable, he should be able to have an discussion with her about this as well, and she should graciously bow out, given that her presence will be making his present and future life difficult for him. There will be situations, such as weddings and birthdays (if your BF has children with his XW), and potentially funerals, where her presence is to be expected, and you'll have to be OK with that. But it's just weird that she still comes to all (and hosts! some) family functions.
 
#7 ·
Life is good except for one thing: my boyfriend's ex-wife's relationship with his family.

He was married for almost 30 years before their divorce, and his ex-wife was and still is very much a part of his family. Holidays, family birthdays . . . she's invited and even hosts many of the events. I honestly believe his parents, brother, and sister like me, but I'm never invited to be a part of these family celebrations because his ex-wife will be there.

My question is, what is normal after a divorce when couples have become so enmeshed in the other's family? We've been dating for almost two years and are very serious,
Thank you!

OK, after 30 years of being "family by marriage" yes she has decades of being part of the holiday events. You are not yet part of the family, and depending on details of the divorce your boy friends family may wish to treat her as an important part of the family or at least a friend.

What you haven't included is if they had any children. If they had then parents want to see their grandchildren and would not want to put that relationship in jeopardy. Same with brothers and sisters wanting their children to have cousins to play with and know.

Excluding you after 2 years is bad form on their part. You should talk to your spouse let him know that you feel excluded and that if he is serious about his relationship with you that you want to be included. Assuming you weren't having sex with a married man and the reason for his divorce, I would assume that his family and his ex-should give you the benefit of the doubt and be civil for a few hours each year.

Good luck.
 
#8 ·
All good points.

My dad's cousin P and his wife T are getting divorced after nearly 30 years of marriage. We absolutely adore T, and we've wanted her to divorce P for YEARS because he's an abusive, alcoholic a-hole. We would gladly give him up to keep her. We WANT her to come to family functions, but she won't because she feels awkward, and P may be there (he's very unpredictable... He usually won't show up, but if he wants something...).

I know that's not your sitch, but your BF's XW may be a perfectly lovely person.

But there IS something wrong with you being excluded... are you sure she's really his XW, and they're not currently involved, still?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
 
#9 ·
I really appreciate all the comments. Fem, I am positive they are divorced. When the situation first presented itself, his mom asked me to come to the event. Afterward, my bf told me his ex was planning on coming but wouldn't if I attended. They hadn't been divorced that long, and I think he felt guilty about cutting her out of the family celebrations she had always been included in. The next event was Thanksgiving which his ex was hosting. My bf felt like it would be weird to bring me, and I agreed. It has snowballed since then, and we are at a point now where it's just assumed she will attend and I will not. The last two events were at his house. His comment was, "Mom can't really not invite her to her birthday party." I don't think it's a fact that his mom didn't invite me too, it's that no one but my ex and me feels weird about me and his ex being there together! He knows and has said that at some point we will both be at the same event. Maybe he's just not ready to tell her I'll be there because their divorce was something he wanted and she didn't? I don't know. I just wondered if I was being too sensitive about the situation, and I'm relieved to hear I'm not. This will help me when I work up the courage to talk to him about it. Thank you all for your help!
 
#10 ·
OK, just checking! Yeah, you definitely need to talk to him about this because right now he's making his ex a priority over you, and that ain't right. He needs to get over the guilt thing; they both need to move on with their lives.

Honestly, if his ex was hosting Thanksgiving, and you weren't going, if you guys were serious at that point, he should have made a stand and not gone to her place, and instead should have done something with your for Thanksgiving.

His mom can feel free to invite both of you to whatever she wants; it's up to the two (three??? :mad: ) of you to decide if you (plural) will go or not. Honestly, the XW--unless she has no family of her own, in which case circumstances change, needs to begin graciously extricating herself from his life. And he needs to grow a pair and assert to his family that you are the priority female in his life, not her, if he expects things to last with you. He can't honestly expect you to accept this as a permanent arrangement.

He's being a Nice Guy (TM). He doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so he's not taking a stand for you, because he's worried that would hurt his mother or hurt his XW.
 
#11 ·
Fem, you are absolutely right! I actually think "being nice" is to blame for this situation all around. His family wants to be nice so they invite both of us (I think); he wants to be nice, so he doesn't say no to his ex; I want to be nice, so I don't make it a huge issue. You're also right in that besides her kids and her mother, who doesn't live close by, the ex doesn't have any family, which makes her sympathetic to both of us. But it does seem to me that at a certain point, she's going to have to celebrate with his family at alternative times. It's one thing for her to invite them over to her house for dinner. It's another thing for her to attend all the family events instead of the new woman in his life. Thank you thank you for your insight!
 
#12 ·
So your BF's family became her family when she never really had one of her own. That's why she's so attached to them, and they probably feel like they would be abandoning her by cutting her out.

I would say, leave her out of the equation. If they want to continue inviting her to things, you're not going to win any brownie points by saying, "It's me or her." I would focus on the fact that it seems like you're being intentionally excluded, and talk to your BF and tell him that you expect to be invited to all family events moving forward... and leave her out of it. If the XW comes up, say you don't care if she's invited or not, it's not up to you anyway; what you care about is that you aren't included, when you should be. And if you are excluded from an event, then he shouldn't be going either, because you guys are a team.

Whether or not she is invited is irrelevant. Whether or not she is there is irrelevant.

If she chooses not to go because you will be there, that is her choice--no one is twisting her arm. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should the XW be told that she can't come because you are going; that's her decision.

His family became her family because they were married for 30 yrs and she didn't have a family of her own. That's a long time. You may have to learn to live with the fact that they consider her part of the family. But you do NOT have to accept being intentionally excluded.

And it may feel awkward now because it's been building in all of your heads for two years. It might not be all that bad. She might be lovely. You and her might get along really well. It may be awkward at first, for obvious reasons, but it doesn't have to stay that way. A lot of that depends on your attitude (and hers)--and if she makes a scene and you stay cool while she loses her ****, then you'll be invited back and she won't.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top