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Not jiving with his friends

2K views 22 replies 9 participants last post by  Keke24 
#1 ·
I don't like the kind of male friends my partner hangs with and I'm having a hard time separating him from his friends/what they stand for.

It makes me very uncomfortable the way they talk about women and the way they disrespect each other. He's fine with the disrespect because that's just how they interact but i have a hard time accepting it this way.

I know I can't ask that he gives up his friends and the only solution I can think of is to minimize contact moving forward. That doesn't seem ideal because I'm worried he may start to resent me not being there with him. I also worry about him being with them because they can be a bad influence; they drink a lot, will drive even if they're drunk, hang out in shady places and have no qualms about cheating.

Is simply choosing not to hang out with him and them a practical solution? How do I rationalize that this is his means of unwinding and not judge him by his choice of friends?
 
#2 ·
Hello there, I can relate to your dilemma. My first serious relationship, sad to say, ended because of his friends. They were lying, immoral, manipulative and malicious. He chose them over me. The things his friends did to me were some of the cruelest things ever done to me. I get what you say when you know it's an outlet for him to relax and hangout with his buddies, but please be vigilant. Be open and communicate with him about your feelings towards them in a friendly manner. Talk. Don't bash them to your partner. If you feel these friends are influencing your partner to step outside your relationship boundaries, speak up. In the end all you can do is be honest and open, and trust that your partner will do the right thing, and choose to respect you over the influence of his friends. If he doesn't , well, you will know what kind of man he really is, and you will have to ask yourself that hard question... is he good for me? UNfortunately for me my ex chose his friends, but I was way better off without him, despite my feeble attempts to coerce him back because we were "meant to be". My husband now has shed all his friends that were not so great, which is good, but does a few new ones that I'm Leary about, especially with our problems we are facing right now, I know he is talking to them about our situation. Hopefully they are a positive influence on him. Good luck!
 
#8 ·
Unfortunately I've already done exactly what you've advised not to, I've already bashed them. On 2 separate occasions. I have such a hard time hiding my true feelings about them. The last time he got extremely defensive and upset, understandably. He tried to compare my friends to his to illustrate my bias but that didn't help me because there's really no comparison.

I just wish I could be as nonchalant about it as he. I would like to be honest with him and most importantly myself when I figure out how best to manage it.
 
#5 ·
You can tell a lot about a person by the friends they keep, people choose their friends and usually they are of same ilk. I have never had a serious relationship with a man that had low quality friends and I never would.
So true.

In Spanish there is a saying, "Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are."
 
#6 ·
OP, why do you think judging him by his choice of friends is a bad idea? Don't you think that is useful info?
 
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#7 · (Edited)
I knew my partner for 5 years before I finally got a chance to meet his friends. These friends are from his country and I only just moved here. When we were at undergrad together, the guys he hung out with were very different, no conflicts there.

I understand all the common sayings about friends and these are principles I've lived by. According to him I'm a lot more militant about my choice of friends. And this is true, I've had no issues giving up people around me who I feel add nothing of value to my life and have principles that differ strongly for mine. I made the conscious decision to be this way because I grew up in the ghetto and I lived in a dysfunctional family. I didn't want to be around people with low morals, no ambition etc etc.

They have known each other since grade school. Their families are very much integrated. The mothers are considered aunties, very much like family. When he's not in the country, his friends are the ones checking up on his mom every so often to make sure she's ok. So keep in mind these are people he's grown up with and they're a close knit bunch.

There is a serious conflict between the person my partner is and the people his friends are. I have strong doubts that he would choose to be around them if he had met them today as opposed to 15 years ago. They went from rebellious boys to rebellious men but my partner has left his rebellious boyhood behind as is a much more responsible person today. He's clearly the odd one out among them; he's a family Guy, they're​ still concerned with sleeping with as many women as possible; he's soon heading off to do his master's while only one of them has managed to complete his undergrad and has no interest in furthering himself; he has high standards for women, his friends will have sex with anything that moves but they will never bring these women over to my partners house because he's expressed his disgust at their choice of women; he's always put us first by choosing to spend time Skyping etc with me during the 5 years of long distance as opposed to spending time with his friends, even when I insisted otherwise because I didn't think it was healthy for him to not go out, do other stuff etc, this is something they still tease him about to this day.

@jld, @commonsenseisn't, so these experiences, the deep conversations I have with him, the goals and dreams he's shared, the kind of partner he makes an effort to be on a daily basis, the way his thinking and approach to our relationship has I changed since I've moved here, these things and more have proven to me that he's very different from them and is not a follower.
 
#9 ·
If he's changed, and no longer like his friends, then it's time for him to get a new set of friends.

It's only a matter of time before he gets arrested because one of them gets pulled over driving drunk. Then your relationship will be affected a heck of a lot more.

There's a time for childish antics and then it's time to grow up and find male friends of character. Your husband is past this point.
 
#17 ·
I don't like the kind of male friends my partner hangs with and I'm having a hard time separating him from his friends/what they stand for.



It makes me very uncomfortable the way they talk about women and the way they disrespect each other. He's fine with the disrespect because that's just how they interact but i have a hard time accepting it this way.



I know I can't ask that he gives up his friends and the only solution I can think of is to minimize contact moving forward. That doesn't seem ideal because I'm worried he may start to resent me not being there with him. I also worry about him being with them because they can be a bad influence; they drink a lot, will drive even if they're drunk, hang out in shady places and have no qualms about cheating.

How do you know that? (About cheating). Guys sometimes brag about crap (infamous locker room talk), but doesn't mean they would act any of it out.

Otherwise difficult to know what to recommend...How's you own friends situation? Do you have a chance to hang out with your friends? That may minimise contact with his friends.
I find it difficult to relate because we have so little free time when kids don't need attention so that any little time we get, we spend with each other. Or Other family friends (who also have families). I do have some guy friends and usually do sports stuff with them and my wife is not around. She has her 'mum' friends she occasionally meets up with.
You probably need to nourish your own circle of friends? I dunno.





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#19 ·
How do you know that? (About cheating). Guys sometimes brag about crap (infamous locker room talk), but doesn't mean they would act any of it out.

Otherwise difficult to know what to recommend...How's you own friends situation? Do you have a chance to hang out with your friends? That may minimise contact with his friends.
I find it difficult to relate because we have so little free time when kids don't need attention so that any little time we get, we spend with each other. Or Other family friends (who also have families). I do have some guy friends and usually do sports stuff with them and my wife is not around. She has her 'mum' friends she occasionally meets up with.
You probably need to nourish your own circle of friends? I dunno.

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@inmyprime, thanks for chiming in. I'm always grateful for your varied perspective.

My partner shared the info regarding the cheating because he was disappointed that his best friend got another woman pregnant while his gf was busy coping with their preemie. And he asked him not to bring the 3rd woman who was in the mix over to our house after his best-friend admitted that the woman allows him to have sex with her while her baby is in the room. I've been out with the group and noticed when they laugh about women that one dated and helped the other to have sex with afterwards.

You touched on a good point however, I do need to nourish my own circle as right now it's restricted to my colleagues from work and if I'm lucky, an old friend travelling to see me.
 
#18 ·
I read a bit further on the thread....I think one of two things will happen: if he really moved on (from where his friends are now), then he will realise it and find a way to distance himself from them and get new friends. If that's not the case, then the others are right: perhaps they have more in common than it's comfortable to admit.
No matter which way, it'll probably be a slow process. I presume you guys studied together somewhere else while his childhood friends were left behind in his country so he 'grew out' of them but they remained the same? (Jut guessing here). Then he comes back and tries to re-connect with them. That's where things might fall into place. But it'll take time. I wouldn't rush it too much nor push it. You might be in danger of appearing controlling.
Obviously I don't know how bad his friends are so I'm just going purely by what you have written...


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#21 ·
I read a bit further on the thread... I think one of two things will happen: if he really moved on (from where his friends are now), then he will realise it and find a way to distance himself from them and get new friends.
If that's not the case, then the others are right: perhaps they have more in common than it's comfortable to admit.

Despite how much he's defended them and tried to justify the things they do/think, I have a strong suspicion that he does recognize the underlying disconnect but he doesn't want to admit it to himself, and most definitely, not to me.

No matter which way, it'll probably be a slow process. I presume you guys studied together somewhere else while his childhood friends were left behind in his country so he 'grew out' of them but they remained the same? (Jut guessing here). Then he comes back and tries to re-connect with them. That's where things might fall into place. But it'll take time. I wouldn't rush it too much nor push it. You might be in danger of appearing controlling.

Yes, you're correct about everything here. I've accepted that once I've expressed my views, there's nothing more I can do. I will give him the space he needs and make the best effort to avoid being resentful or subtly punishing him for continuing to spend more time with them.

Obviously I don't know how bad his friends are so I'm just going purely by what you have written...


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#20 ·
Hmm, perhaps his ability to influence good decisions is not as strong as he believes... sometimes our best influence is our absence.
 
#22 ·
Let him choose his own friends, if he feels like he no longer has anything in common with them, then he'll choose himself to stop socialising with them, his choice. I doubt he will though, unless you force him to, which he will resent you for.

I've had the same group of friends since I was in primary school, been my best friends for 20odd years. They're like brothers to me. We've all changed loads since we were kids, and some of the things my friends do, my wife doesn't like, and some of the things I do/have done, my friends wives/partners don't like.

You don't have to love his friends, you don't even have to like them. Just trust him to be the person you think he is. If you don't trust him, then that's a problem for you and him, not his friends that are the problem, in my opinion.
 
#23 ·
Let him choose his own friends, if he feels like he no longer has anything in common with them, then he'll choose himself to stop socialising with them, his choice. I doubt he will though, unless you force him to, which he will resent you for.

I've had the same group of friends since I was in primary school, been my best friends for 20odd years. They're like brothers to me. We've all changed loads since we were kids, and some of the things my friends do, my wife doesn't like, and some of the things I do/have done, my friends wives/partners don't like.

You don't have to love his friends, you don't even have to like them. Just trust him to be the person you think he is. If you don't trust him, then that's a problem for you and him, not his friends that are the problem, in my opinion.

That is an interesting point you make, thank you for that. I was hoping to hear the male perspective as I felt I couldn't be the first woman who's felt this way towards her partner's friends. The difficulty in separating the person he's proven to me to be, from the kind of people his friends are, that has been my biggest challenge in all of this.

Hitherto he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him and he's proven that he's not interested in copying their actions. Until/unless he does otherwise, I have to respect his choices.

Thanks again.
 
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