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Not yet married, not sure I want to be...

2K views 29 replies 17 participants last post by  3Xnocharm 
#1 ·
I have been with my boyfriend for 5.5 years. We have a son together, who just turned 3. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or not. This is going to be long, I’m sorry. I really appreciate anyone who has any words of wisdom.

The first 2 years of our relationship were great. I thought he was the one I was going to marry. We had so much fun together and got along so well. We never fought, we were always on the same page and if not compromise wasn’t a problem.

Then… I got pregnant. It was unplanned, we took steps to prevent a pregnancy but we all know nothing is 100% other than abstinence. My BF was pretty adamant that I have an abortion, I booked the appointment but when the time came I couldn’t do it. I think he resented me for that, because things started changing.

He had no interest in my pregnancy. Ultrasounds, appointments, fun facts, maternity pictures, the whole works he had no interest in. He wouldn’t even feel our son move and said it was weird of me to take weekly photos. We don’t live in the US, I’m guessing most posters here do. We were both able to take leave when our son was born. My BF stayed home for 9 months, I stayed home for 18 months. Shortly before our son was born I overheard my BF telling his friends how much free time he was going to have to do things with them. He never planned on being present…

When our son came home from the hospital my BF was little help. He never got up at night, still never has. He never let me sleep in, still never has. He never took care of our son so I could go out, still never has. He complained about watching our son so I could shower 1x a week, that at least is getting better.

Our relationship was done. Intimacy was totally gone, I was too tired, too sore, too mad at him. Every time he refused to hold his son I loved him a little less. He complained that there was no intimacy, but would do nothing to help me. He still doesn’t understand that throwing on a load of laundry is going to get him a hell of a lot closer to sex than saying “wanna do it while grabbing my ass.”

Instead of spending those 9 months off work with his GF and more importantly, his son, he spent it playing video games with friends. All day, all night. Being “too busy” to help me.

Fast forward and nothing really changed. He went back to work, and did even less. He kept complaining about the lack of intimacy, I had no desire for him. He blames that/me for our problems. Also blames breastfeeding.

Around our sons 2nd birthday things slowly started changing. I was finally getting my sex drive back. The sex was terrible. He only lasts a few seconds, minute or two max. Nothing leads up to the sex or comes after it. He complained that I wasn’t enjoying it enough, I told him that I needed more from him. Help around the house, intimacy like kissing, massages, through the day not just when he wants sex. He thought that was stupid.

He finally started spending more time with our son. Not a lot, he’s never had him for a full day alone or taken him to the park alone. But he’d at least play with him…

Our son just turned 3 and those opinions of his have not changed. I’ve told him so many times that I need more to warm me up, so many women do. His response is either that it’s not worth it/too much work or he’ll rub my foot for a minute and ask if I’m ready now. In the first 2 years of our relationship, he wasn’t like that…

The sex hasn’t changed, other than becoming even less frequent. Maybe once a month at most, and still just as ****ty. He’d rather watch porn that spend time getting me ready for good sex.

We spend NO alone time together. We never go on dates, haven’t since our son was born 3 years ago. At home he won’t spend time with me. He spends a couple hours with us around dinner, but once our son is asleep my BF is gone. We need couple time to reconnect, we never get that. He doesn’t understand that I need that. He thinks it’s BS. He never kisses me throughout the day, doesn’t say I love you. When I say it, there is no emotion behind it anymore.

I’m pretty sure he is addicted to video games. That’s all he wants to do in his free time. His previous relationship ended for the same reason, after 3 years together. He claims he needs his “alone time”.

I don’t know what I’m suppose to do… We aren’t married, nor engaged. When I was pregnant I wanted him to propose so badly, now I’m kind of happy that he didn’t. He doesn’t want to get married until he’s done his masters, which is next July. Everything is always on his schedule. He won’t even propose because “rings are stupid and a waste of money”. I don’t think I’d get a proposal ever.

And I don’t think I want one… When I think about marrying him, I do not want to. At all. These feelings are pretty recent. Staying with him is easy right now. We’re both finishing our degrees, it’s easier financially. It’s like he’s a roommate. Once we are both done our degrees and in our final careers it would be easier to split ways. Move on with our lives.

But I feel guilty, because we have a son together. I chose to bring him into this world… Had I known this is where I’d end up I think I would have made a different choice. I didn’t ever expect this from him. I grew up without parents, I wanted my son to have a family. I always wished for one and it still hurts to this day. I don’t want my son to think I didn’t try. My BF and I don’t hate each other, we don’t fight anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should just suck it up and deal with it for the next 15 years.

I have been finding myself thinking about other men, fantasizing about other men. I watch wedding videography videos sometimes and I want that, with someone else.

Do we try to work it out? Do I get him to do counselling? Will it get better in time? I feel like the romantic loving relationship/marriage that I want is unattainable, something influenced by movies/tv. Do I deal with it until our son is older? Deal with it until we’re both done our degrees in 16 months and can really move on?

He isn’t horrible… When he does touch me and show affection I do like it. I’m just not in love with him anymore… He isn’t abusive, he doesn’t try and hurt me in anyway. He just doesn’t get it… I’m not as fun as a video game to him… Maybe that’s on me. Maybe things will get better when we both get out of this rut of school…

I don’t want to lose time with my son… I don’t want him to be hurt by his dad not spending time with him on their days. I want the best for him… He’s my world.

I’ve made mistakes, and I’m sure he’d have a totally different side to this story. But this is mine…

I don't want to throw away my son's family because I'm chasing an unattainable romantic, loving relationship.
 
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#4 ·
Part of what holds me back is that we were really happy, before our son was born. He was a really good boyfriend. Very affectionate, caring, we spent so much time together, the sex was great. For a long time I just kept hoping it would change. But lately I just want out... I don't see him in my future, or want him there. But when I start thinking like this I get upset and do want things to work... Ugh.

I don't really see anything here that is remotely sustainable for a husband-wife relationship!

Time to move out, see a good family attorney, and attain full custody of your son and file for child support!
A while back I contacted a family lawyer and he told me that if I want full custody I would have to fight hard and have good reasoning and proof. All that they take into account is the child and how the child is treated. And almost always 50/50 custody, no child support and 50/50 on costs like daycare/medications/insurance is granted. He suggested that I keep a daily log for as long as possible to show how much, or little my boyfriend is with our son. I don't want my son to lose his dad... I just want him to be a good dad...

A while ago child custody came up (friends are divorcing) and he said he thinks the father should take the weekends because it's more stable for the kids. The couple we were talking about were switching custody on a 2-3-2-3 schedule.

Is it normal to feel so crappy when thinking about leaving? I don't want to hurt him, disappoint family... I'm kind of scared to be alone. I was in a relationship from age 12-17. Then 17-18. And now him from 19-24. He's 30. I don't want a relationship, it will just be different. When he's gone for a few days it's so peaceful...
 
#3 ·
I don't really see anything here that is remotely sustainable for a husband-wife relationship!

Time to move out, see a good family attorney, and attain full custody of your son and file for child support!
 
#6 ·
I am married 44 years and have seen a lot of couples make it and a lot more fail. The main problem seems to be that the woman thinks the guy will change after they get married. They do not and then you are locked in a legal contract that is not easy to cancel. It is also very expensive to divorce. It is not difficult to decide. If you want to spend the rest of your life with the man as he is now, then marry him. If you do not, don't marry because what you see is what you will get. Adults rarely change and even if they do, the change may not be the kind that you want.
 
#19 ·
I definitely would not marry him if things continued like this. I guess I have this stupid hope that he will go back to the man I fell in love with... I don't want to waste away my years waiting for someone to change who never will... I don't want my son to grow up and end up like him. The way he changed so drastically makes me scared to ever try again with someone new. I have no interest in another relationship, but one day I'm sure I will. Before our son was born there was no red flags, he just changed.
 
#10 ·
Would a man who wants to spend no time or do nothing for his child really go for 50% custody? At best I would say he would do every second weekend and I'm sure even that would not last.

What you want from your boyfriend is not unresonable and I can assure you that there are men out there that can and will give that to you. You are raising your son with a very poor role model of what a husband and father should look like. You are not going to change him, if he didn't change for his own child than he never will. Stop wishes he would be the man you need and leave him to find a man the meets your needs, cause I can guarantee you that he is out there, and any decent man that loves you will embrace your child as his own.
 
#11 ·
Your BF was very clear. He didn't want to be a father. His actions matched his words. You chose to have the child knowing how he felt. Let me ask you something seriously. You say you never wanted your child to be hurt by a disinterested father. Then why on God's green Earth did you choose to have a child with a man who did NOT want a child?

It seems fairly clear that your BF has no interest in marriage or family life and prefers to do his own thing. So, how much longer are you willing to let this go on? Is this the example of manhood and family life you want your child to think is normal?
 
#18 ·
I thought it was just nerves and he would change his mind... Everyone that I talked to said things along the lines of "Oh, he'll change his mind when...". He see's the ultrasound, feels the baby move, finds out the gender, the baby is born, when the kids older and does more, etc, etc, etc. He was a really good boyfriend and really good with other people's kids. I didn't expect this in a million years... Friends and things I read online said similar things, "I'm so glad my GF/wife chose to have the baby", "my BF/husband was not onboard at first but now he is so happy to be a father and is a great one".

I feel horrible all the time for giving my son this father. I would not have done it had I expected this. I always worry that this is the example my son sees. And I guess no example is better than a bad example... I think it would be years before I'd have any interest in dating again. I just want to raise a happy child.
 
#13 ·
This man has zero interest in entertaining someone other than his own self. At what point will you finally say enough is enough and you deserve someone who wants the same thing, in life, that you do? Your son will be more heartbroken growing up in a household where his father sees him every day yet still actively chooses not to engage with him. Do not stay together under the hopes that he will change at some point. He won't.

Divorce him. A man who is this inactive in his child's life will only be interested in 50/50 for so long before he realizes the benefits of giving you full custody.
 
#14 ·
The one whose suffering the most here is that poor, innocent little boy who is CONTINUALLY ignored and shunned by the POS sperm donor who lives with him.

How about removing your son from this toxic atmosphere and actually putting HIM first, rather than wasting your time dreaming about YEARS ago when this worthless fool actually acted like a decent guy? That was THEN, this is NOW. All you're doing day after day is subjecting this poor child to continued rejection by this poor excuse of a human being whose too damned IGNORANT to understand your son is innocent and doesn't deserve to be emotionally abused. That's what you're subjecting this poor child to, every single day while you whine about the good old days and what this emotionally abusive assclown USED to be like.

Look, I respect the fact that he didn't want a kid. I respect the fact that he TOLD you he wasn't ready and asked you to have an abortion but then you changed the rules midway and decided to have your son. I can respect that too.

But as another poster said, that CHOICE cost you your boyfriend. Plain and simple.

Time to move on.

Oh, and I wouldn't worry too much about 'daddy' fighting you in court for any kind of custody (but his lawyer will probably talk him into 50//50 so Father of the Year can skirt paying child support). But the appalling way he treats this poor child now - like he's something undesirable that got stuck on the bottom of his shoe - says it all. He's a despicable excuse for a human being who I wouldn't trust to watch my damned goldfish for a weekend..
 
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#20 ·
I always put my son first. He is the most important thing in my life. He isn't as horrible to our son as you make it seem in this post. He does spend a little time with him every day, not great no but he isn't totally ignoring him. Our son loves him and is happy to be with him. If we split up and my BF gets custody then I'd really worry about my son being ignored. And at least with living together I'm always here for my son.

I know that his behaviour is going to hurt my son. My heart breaks when my son asks him to play and he says no because he's "too busy" playing a video game or reading Reddit. Right now I'm there to pick up the pieces and distract my son. I don't want him to feel lonely if I'm not there.

I want what is best for him... Not me.
 
#15 ·
lay it all out there for him. tell him you want change or end it.

remember he feels hoodwinked into being a father when he wasn't ready. you indicated you changed your mind at the last minute.

ask him to go to counseling to try to get past the resentment if he refuses theres your answer.

personally I think if he wants to he can get passed this and even end up being a great father. BUT he has to be on board with accepting his new life as a father and provider.
 
#21 ·
I try to talk to him about it and he just doesn't get it... He thinks I'm being stupid or needy. He doesn't take it seriously. I have never said things change or I'm leaving. Maybe I have to. I guess in a way I'm scared that he will say "go ahead, go" or that he still won't try and I'll have my answer.
 
#16 ·
He never grew up. He's a man child playing video games instead of being an adult man with a family.

Getting married is going to be the worse mistake of your life. These issues WILL escalate; they do NOT improve upon marriage. And they certainly will not get better by themselves or with time.
 
#23 ·
I am a big advocate of trying to work things out, especially when there are kids involved, but it sounds to me like you've been trying to get him to start working on things for the past 3 years. If he hasn't even begun to make an attempt or has shown any signs of wanting to at this point, I would have to say that it's time you move on without him.

If you really can't make up your mind about leaving him you could try moving out and cutting off all contact with him for a little while. Tell him your leaving and why, and do it. If he wants to be part of your lives, he will make an attempt.
 
#26 ·
You need to break up with this man ASAP, go for full custody, and ask him to sign away his parental rights. He will do nothing but hurt your child over and over and over for the rest of his life, because he doesnt want him or care about him. Dont discuss a damn thing with him, make your arrangements and get out. Stop clinging to "used to be so good" because the man is NOW a piece of ****. Think of your child.
 
#27 ·
Sorry to say that the "first 2 years" was not really him. A lot of folks say that the true colors will show within a year, but I've found that the best chameleons can hold up for a while......several years.

He is (and always was) who he is showing you NOW. If you had an abortion, he would have still got to this point. Yes, he would have, and you would have to live the rest of your life childless and mourning the baby you lost....living with a self-centered man-child. Cut your losses. Separation might actually make him a better father.
 
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#28 ·
Monty, I understand how you want an intact family, a good husband, a healthy son, etc. I get that. Can't blame you. It's a worthwhile goal for everyone. I hope you attain it some day.

However, I can tell you without the slightest doubt that you can dose yourself with all the hopium in the universe and this guy is not going to help you make a viable family. It can't work. He does not have the stuff within to get it done. It's like expecting to have a car without wheels to transport you across town. In spite of your hopes and dreams you are still subject to reality and you ignore it at your peril.

Look, I'm an older guy. I've been around and for decades I've interacted with many young guys just like how you've described your boyfriend. I've employed many of this breed through the years and I've seen them come and go in relationships with ladies I've known. I've identified patterns to their behavior that is entrenched in their culture and after having seen so many of these guys I can tell you that it's quite predictable what will happen in your situation. This is probably the closest thing to a crystal ball you're going to get: cut your losses and run. Good luck to you.
 
#29 ·
I asked my boyfriend why he prefers to play video games and have alone time rather than spend time with his family. His response was "To escape from my ****ty life. Games are instant gratification, everything in life is hard and takes so long." He wouldn't explain it further or go past that. I also told him that I had been reading and couples should spend 15 hours a week together, he was not on board with that. He didn't really say anything. I read him parts of a webpage that backed that up and said it was a pretty universal recommendation. The issue is... HE'S happy. I don't know how, but he is.

He was complaining about sex. He wanted to, I said no, he said I always complain about not wanting to. I need to him work up to it, not just never be around me, never show intimacy and then just say "hey wanna do it" and expect me to drop my pants. I've told him that so many times and he doesn't think it's worth the effort.

Is there anyway to fix this or try something one more time before giving up totally? I want my child to know that I tried... I'd say the next step is to live like roommates, but we pretty much already do that. The only thing between us is I make dinner.
 
#30 ·
I asked my boyfriend why he prefers to play video games and have alone time rather than spend time with his family. His response was "To escape from my ****ty life. Games are instant gratification, everything in life is hard and takes so long." He wouldn't explain it further or go past that. I also told him that I had been reading and couples should spend 15 hours a week together, he was not on board with that. He didn't really say anything. I read him parts of a webpage that backed that up and said it was a pretty universal recommendation. The issue is... HE'S happy. I don't know how, but he is.
Pretty insulting that he thinks he has a ****ty life. What exactly does he base that comment on, anyway?

He was complaining about sex. He wanted to, I said no, he said I always complain about not wanting to. I need to him work up to it, not just never be around me, never show intimacy and then just say "hey wanna do it" and expect me to drop my pants. I've told him that so many times and he doesn't think it's worth the effort.
Im afraid a lot of men dont grasp the fact that a neglected wife doesnt want sex. No one is "entitled" to sex. You cant put in zero effort and think the other person is just supposed to give it up to you.

Is there anyway to fix this or try something one more time before giving up totally? I want my child to know that I tried... I'd say the next step is to live like roommates, but we pretty much already do that. The only thing between us is I make dinner.
You cant fix it by yourself. You'll need to tell him that things need to change or you are out. You have to be ready to back that up with action, or you might as well not say anything. If you dont follow through, he will know your threats are empty and then you have NO chance.
 
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