I have been with my boyfriend for 5.5 years. We have a son together, who just turned 3. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or not. This is going to be long, I’m sorry. I really appreciate anyone who has any words of wisdom.
The first 2 years of our relationship were great. I thought he was the one I was going to marry. We had so much fun together and got along so well. We never fought, we were always on the same page and if not compromise wasn’t a problem.
Then… I got pregnant. It was unplanned, we took steps to prevent a pregnancy but we all know nothing is 100% other than abstinence. My BF was pretty adamant that I have an abortion, I booked the appointment but when the time came I couldn’t do it. I think he resented me for that, because things started changing.
He had no interest in my pregnancy. Ultrasounds, appointments, fun facts, maternity pictures, the whole works he had no interest in. He wouldn’t even feel our son move and said it was weird of me to take weekly photos. We don’t live in the US, I’m guessing most posters here do. We were both able to take leave when our son was born. My BF stayed home for 9 months, I stayed home for 18 months. Shortly before our son was born I overheard my BF telling his friends how much free time he was going to have to do things with them. He never planned on being present…
When our son came home from the hospital my BF was little help. He never got up at night, still never has. He never let me sleep in, still never has. He never took care of our son so I could go out, still never has. He complained about watching our son so I could shower 1x a week, that at least is getting better.
Our relationship was done. Intimacy was totally gone, I was too tired, too sore, too mad at him. Every time he refused to hold his son I loved him a little less. He complained that there was no intimacy, but would do nothing to help me. He still doesn’t understand that throwing on a load of laundry is going to get him a hell of a lot closer to sex than saying “wanna do it while grabbing my ass.”
Instead of spending those 9 months off work with his GF and more importantly, his son, he spent it playing video games with friends. All day, all night. Being “too busy” to help me.
Fast forward and nothing really changed. He went back to work, and did even less. He kept complaining about the lack of intimacy, I had no desire for him. He blames that/me for our problems. Also blames breastfeeding.
Around our sons 2nd birthday things slowly started changing. I was finally getting my sex drive back. The sex was terrible. He only lasts a few seconds, minute or two max. Nothing leads up to the sex or comes after it. He complained that I wasn’t enjoying it enough, I told him that I needed more from him. Help around the house, intimacy like kissing, massages, through the day not just when he wants sex. He thought that was stupid.
He finally started spending more time with our son. Not a lot, he’s never had him for a full day alone or taken him to the park alone. But he’d at least play with him…
Our son just turned 3 and those opinions of his have not changed. I’ve told him so many times that I need more to warm me up, so many women do. His response is either that it’s not worth it/too much work or he’ll rub my foot for a minute and ask if I’m ready now. In the first 2 years of our relationship, he wasn’t like that…
The sex hasn’t changed, other than becoming even less frequent. Maybe once a month at most, and still just as ****ty. He’d rather watch porn that spend time getting me ready for good sex.
We spend NO alone time together. We never go on dates, haven’t since our son was born 3 years ago. At home he won’t spend time with me. He spends a couple hours with us around dinner, but once our son is asleep my BF is gone. We need couple time to reconnect, we never get that. He doesn’t understand that I need that. He thinks it’s BS. He never kisses me throughout the day, doesn’t say I love you. When I say it, there is no emotion behind it anymore.
I’m pretty sure he is addicted to video games. That’s all he wants to do in his free time. His previous relationship ended for the same reason, after 3 years together. He claims he needs his “alone time”.
I don’t know what I’m suppose to do… We aren’t married, nor engaged. When I was pregnant I wanted him to propose so badly, now I’m kind of happy that he didn’t. He doesn’t want to get married until he’s done his masters, which is next July. Everything is always on his schedule. He won’t even propose because “rings are stupid and a waste of money”. I don’t think I’d get a proposal ever.
And I don’t think I want one… When I think about marrying him, I do not want to. At all. These feelings are pretty recent. Staying with him is easy right now. We’re both finishing our degrees, it’s easier financially. It’s like he’s a roommate. Once we are both done our degrees and in our final careers it would be easier to split ways. Move on with our lives.
But I feel guilty, because we have a son together. I chose to bring him into this world… Had I known this is where I’d end up I think I would have made a different choice. I didn’t ever expect this from him. I grew up without parents, I wanted my son to have a family. I always wished for one and it still hurts to this day. I don’t want my son to think I didn’t try. My BF and I don’t hate each other, we don’t fight anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should just suck it up and deal with it for the next 15 years.
I have been finding myself thinking about other men, fantasizing about other men. I watch wedding videography videos sometimes and I want that, with someone else.
Do we try to work it out? Do I get him to do counselling? Will it get better in time? I feel like the romantic loving relationship/marriage that I want is unattainable, something influenced by movies/tv. Do I deal with it until our son is older? Deal with it until we’re both done our degrees in 16 months and can really move on?
He isn’t horrible… When he does touch me and show affection I do like it. I’m just not in love with him anymore… He isn’t abusive, he doesn’t try and hurt me in anyway. He just doesn’t get it… I’m not as fun as a video game to him… Maybe that’s on me. Maybe things will get better when we both get out of this rut of school…
I don’t want to lose time with my son… I don’t want him to be hurt by his dad not spending time with him on their days. I want the best for him… He’s my world.
I’ve made mistakes, and I’m sure he’d have a totally different side to this story. But this is mine…
I don't want to throw away my son's family because I'm chasing an unattainable romantic, loving relationship.
The first 2 years of our relationship were great. I thought he was the one I was going to marry. We had so much fun together and got along so well. We never fought, we were always on the same page and if not compromise wasn’t a problem.
Then… I got pregnant. It was unplanned, we took steps to prevent a pregnancy but we all know nothing is 100% other than abstinence. My BF was pretty adamant that I have an abortion, I booked the appointment but when the time came I couldn’t do it. I think he resented me for that, because things started changing.
He had no interest in my pregnancy. Ultrasounds, appointments, fun facts, maternity pictures, the whole works he had no interest in. He wouldn’t even feel our son move and said it was weird of me to take weekly photos. We don’t live in the US, I’m guessing most posters here do. We were both able to take leave when our son was born. My BF stayed home for 9 months, I stayed home for 18 months. Shortly before our son was born I overheard my BF telling his friends how much free time he was going to have to do things with them. He never planned on being present…
When our son came home from the hospital my BF was little help. He never got up at night, still never has. He never let me sleep in, still never has. He never took care of our son so I could go out, still never has. He complained about watching our son so I could shower 1x a week, that at least is getting better.
Our relationship was done. Intimacy was totally gone, I was too tired, too sore, too mad at him. Every time he refused to hold his son I loved him a little less. He complained that there was no intimacy, but would do nothing to help me. He still doesn’t understand that throwing on a load of laundry is going to get him a hell of a lot closer to sex than saying “wanna do it while grabbing my ass.”
Instead of spending those 9 months off work with his GF and more importantly, his son, he spent it playing video games with friends. All day, all night. Being “too busy” to help me.
Fast forward and nothing really changed. He went back to work, and did even less. He kept complaining about the lack of intimacy, I had no desire for him. He blames that/me for our problems. Also blames breastfeeding.
Around our sons 2nd birthday things slowly started changing. I was finally getting my sex drive back. The sex was terrible. He only lasts a few seconds, minute or two max. Nothing leads up to the sex or comes after it. He complained that I wasn’t enjoying it enough, I told him that I needed more from him. Help around the house, intimacy like kissing, massages, through the day not just when he wants sex. He thought that was stupid.
He finally started spending more time with our son. Not a lot, he’s never had him for a full day alone or taken him to the park alone. But he’d at least play with him…
Our son just turned 3 and those opinions of his have not changed. I’ve told him so many times that I need more to warm me up, so many women do. His response is either that it’s not worth it/too much work or he’ll rub my foot for a minute and ask if I’m ready now. In the first 2 years of our relationship, he wasn’t like that…
The sex hasn’t changed, other than becoming even less frequent. Maybe once a month at most, and still just as ****ty. He’d rather watch porn that spend time getting me ready for good sex.
We spend NO alone time together. We never go on dates, haven’t since our son was born 3 years ago. At home he won’t spend time with me. He spends a couple hours with us around dinner, but once our son is asleep my BF is gone. We need couple time to reconnect, we never get that. He doesn’t understand that I need that. He thinks it’s BS. He never kisses me throughout the day, doesn’t say I love you. When I say it, there is no emotion behind it anymore.
I’m pretty sure he is addicted to video games. That’s all he wants to do in his free time. His previous relationship ended for the same reason, after 3 years together. He claims he needs his “alone time”.
I don’t know what I’m suppose to do… We aren’t married, nor engaged. When I was pregnant I wanted him to propose so badly, now I’m kind of happy that he didn’t. He doesn’t want to get married until he’s done his masters, which is next July. Everything is always on his schedule. He won’t even propose because “rings are stupid and a waste of money”. I don’t think I’d get a proposal ever.
And I don’t think I want one… When I think about marrying him, I do not want to. At all. These feelings are pretty recent. Staying with him is easy right now. We’re both finishing our degrees, it’s easier financially. It’s like he’s a roommate. Once we are both done our degrees and in our final careers it would be easier to split ways. Move on with our lives.
But I feel guilty, because we have a son together. I chose to bring him into this world… Had I known this is where I’d end up I think I would have made a different choice. I didn’t ever expect this from him. I grew up without parents, I wanted my son to have a family. I always wished for one and it still hurts to this day. I don’t want my son to think I didn’t try. My BF and I don’t hate each other, we don’t fight anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should just suck it up and deal with it for the next 15 years.
I have been finding myself thinking about other men, fantasizing about other men. I watch wedding videography videos sometimes and I want that, with someone else.
Do we try to work it out? Do I get him to do counselling? Will it get better in time? I feel like the romantic loving relationship/marriage that I want is unattainable, something influenced by movies/tv. Do I deal with it until our son is older? Deal with it until we’re both done our degrees in 16 months and can really move on?
He isn’t horrible… When he does touch me and show affection I do like it. I’m just not in love with him anymore… He isn’t abusive, he doesn’t try and hurt me in anyway. He just doesn’t get it… I’m not as fun as a video game to him… Maybe that’s on me. Maybe things will get better when we both get out of this rut of school…
I don’t want to lose time with my son… I don’t want him to be hurt by his dad not spending time with him on their days. I want the best for him… He’s my world.
I’ve made mistakes, and I’m sure he’d have a totally different side to this story. But this is mine…
I don't want to throw away my son's family because I'm chasing an unattainable romantic, loving relationship.