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post #16 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:39 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.
The above sounds like more than fear. It sounds like your relationship is not that good right now.

It’s not unusual for a relationship to go through a hard time during pregnancy. You are used it being just you and your gf. Now her attention is turned a lot towards that baby. It’s going to turn even more towards the baby after she/he is born.

One way to handle this is for you to turn your attention right now towards helping/supporting her in the pregnancy. Then after the baby is born she’s going to need a lot of help and your baby will need a lot of attention.

But, there is another issue, you have been together for 10 years. It’s very usual for a relationship to go through periods where you feel a lot of love/passion and then some where you don’t. The idea is that when you don’t quite feel it to turn your focus on looking at the relationship and changing what needs to be changed. Relationships need regular tune-ups just like your car does.

There are some books that I think would help you do this. They are for both of you to read and have work for both of you to do.

“Love Busters” & “His Needs, Her Needs” (see links in my signature block below.)

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

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post #17 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:49 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

I liken this post to hearing a beautiful love song.

A beautiful love song coming from your mouth and directed at a beautiful young women.

She becomes mesmerized by your tone and your emotions while crooning her.

Soon the crooning turns to spooning and you impregnate her.

She has such a contented and beautiful smile on her face...she is so happy.

You pick her up and carry her, not over the threshhold, no, you carry her over to the cliff. And now you are ready to drop her and your baby into the abyss.

Shame!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #18 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Follow your gut feeling. Don't marry. Be there for your child and be great co-parents. I wish I had listen to my gut feeling before I married the first time. But, because we were set in motion, I thought it was too late only to separate 3.5 years later and with one child. You will feel better after.
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post #19 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

It is incredibly unfortunate that you have these feelings now that you've gotten her pregnant and are due to be married in less than four months, but there's nothing you can do about that.

To go ahead with the marriage would be a mistake unless you want it, and you obviously don't.

What you're going to have to do is follow your gut (as others have said), sit her down and discuss your feelings with her, and for goodness sake try to be sensitive about it. Chances are she's completely oblivious and is picturing the rest of her life with you and the baby, not anticipating any problems let alone you calling off the wedding, and entire relationship for that matter. This will probably break her heart, but the sooner you do it the better.

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post #20 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, But I guess my options are limited and we are already tot his point so I might as well carry on with the marriage.
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post #21 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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The above sounds like more than fear. It sounds like your relationship is not that good right now.

It’s not unusual for a relationship to go through a hard time during pregnancy. You are used it being just you and your gf. Now her attention is turned a lot towards that baby. It’s going to turn even more towards the baby after she/he is born.

One way to handle this is for you to turn your attention right now towards helping/supporting her in the pregnancy. Then after the baby is born she’s going to need a lot of help and your baby will need a lot of attention.

But, there is another issue, you have been together for 10 years. It’s very usual for a relationship to go through periods where you feel a lot of love/passion and then some where you don’t. The idea is that when you don’t quite feel it to turn your focus on looking at the relationship and changing what needs to be changed. Relationships need regular tune-ups just like your car does.

There are some books that I think would help you do this. They are for both of you to read and have work for both of you to do.

“Love Busters” & “His Needs, Her Needs” (see links in my signature block below.)

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
The relationship isn't terrible but it isn't the best it could possibly be either. We haven't fought as much as we have these past two weeks about the wedding her family and I mean we usually work as a team and don't let anything come in between us but it feels like she cares more about her family and this wedding then me at times.
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post #22 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:41 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, But I guess my options are limited and we are already tot his point so I might as well carry on with the marriage.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to one question - do you love her? If so, then you can get through pretty much anything with tenacity and perseverance. If not, or you feel that love has weakened recently, then you should not go through with the marriage even though it is the easy route.

~Kayleigh

Life is either a great adventure or nothing - Helen Keller.
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post #23 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:44 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

OP,
Perhaps the fear of permanence is overwhelming you. In society we are constantly bombarded with the newest next best thing. After 10 years of perceived happiness now you feel blase towards the relationship. It is not surprising given our culture. Try looking at this not from the perspective of is this the best possible scenario for me but rather look at it as I will make this the best possible scenario for me.

Those that wait for life to deliver the perfect situation into their laps are quite often disappointed however, those that make the best of whatever scenario they find themselves in are much more likely to find real happiness. It is about contentment and satiety both with ones self and with ones situation. One can wait for a great marriage or one can make their marriage great.

After 10 years together I can only assume that there is genuine caring and devotion between you and if so, then a great marriage is yours for the making or the losing depending on your committment level. It is hard work. Good fortune to you and congratulations on your first child. Make it great.

Peace and long life
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post #24 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:55 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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The relationship isn't terrible but it isn't the best it could possibly be either. We haven't fought as much as we have these past two weeks about the wedding her family and I mean we usually work as a team and don't let anything come in between us but it feels like she cares more about her family and this wedding then me at times.
What you are stating here is common prior to a wedding. In today's world, everyone wants these "perfect" weddings while going through ridiculous amounts of stress. I don't see where it's worth it.

My question for you is: Why did she get pregnant? Failure of birth control? No birth control?

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #25 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:56 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

My question for you is why are you risking ruining such a good thing by getting married?

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post #26 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, But I guess my options are limited and we are already tot his point so I might as well carry on with the marriage.
That seems like many wrong reasons to get married.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #27 of 81 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 12:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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What you are stating here is common prior to a wedding. In today's world, everyone wants these "perfect" weddings while going through ridiculous amounts of stress. I don't see where it's worth it.

My question for you is: Why did she get pregnant? Failure of birth control? No birth control?
We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.

She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why.
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post #28 of 81 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 12:21 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

I had a street bike. Loved riding. But they're called donorxycles for a reason by doctors.
When you hold that baby and get to be a dad, it's possible you may feel differently about the bikes.
Being a dad will change you a lot.

Do you love your gf?
Do you want to move on and not have her in your life?

It's really simple. Either you want to move on, or you don't.
If you don't, get married and make it a good marriage. Date her. Take her places. Love her. Satisfy her needs, and get satisfaction from doing that.

If that idea doesn't appeal to you, then call off the wedding and move on.
You can't have it both ways. Either break her heart now, or not after she's wasted her youth on a man that doesn't love her.

Stop making this complicated. You don't HAVE to marry her. It's your choIce.
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post #29 of 81 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 12:34 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.

She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not be selling your bike. Tell her that you understand her she fears that you will one day hurt yourself, but you will not be selling your bike. Tell her that she will either accept you as you are or the wedding will not happen.

Let her know that her attempts to change you are causing you to wonder if marriage is a good idea. Her trying to change you will cause you to resent her, which is toxic to a marriage. If she resents you for NOT changing, then that also is toxic to a marriage.

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post #30 of 81 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:07 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Quote:
Originally Posted by Biz009 View Post
We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.

She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why.


Uh, you just wrote that she is worried about you getting hurt. You are going to be her husband and a father. She loves you. You want to leave her at the starting gate after you filled her gas tank up with a high test baby.

Wake up kid. Read what you write.

Riding a hot sport bike takes quick reflexes and a quick mind. You have to be quick witted to read life's curves ahead of you. Careless cage drivers always win when you come into contact with them.

She may be aware of your under powered common sense. You are quick off the line. Very quick. Your mid-range mind power needs a re-map. Top end is bad, I think you have a couple of bad plugs. You are not firing on all cylinders. And the noise coming out of your voice box is rattling the windows on TAM headquarters. The mechanics at TAM are confused. Some want you to scrap your fiancee, some want you to get riding lessons, I want to throttle you......back to sanity.

Your mind is on sport bikes. Very immature. She knows the way you ride and she has heard all the tales of you riding down side-streets at 120 mph and you leaving Jaguars, Porches, and Corvettes in your wake.

Your pregnant fiancee's mind is on the future. Who has the common sense here. Marry her and take damn good care of her. On the bikes, do not sell them. Keep them parked until your age equals [1/3 minus 10 years] of their top speed. God, I hope yours is not a Hayabusa.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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