Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:42 AM Thread Starter
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Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.

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post #2 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:56 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

My quick thought....follow your gut feeling....your having second thoughts and it seems that you have had them for a awhile....its better to be truthful now and avoid A or D in the near future....

Good Luck...
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post #3 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:56 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

If you are having these doubts, it's better to not get married at this time. You can still be there for her and the baby. But don't get married just because it's already in motion.
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post #4 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 02:56 AM
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Cool Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Always honor whatever it is that your "gut instincts" are trying to tell you!

But now, you must do it within the bounds of being the father that you have so subjected yourself to be!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #5 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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Originally Posted by Biz009 View Post
We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.
Could you BE any more cliche? Mere months before your wedding and hearing the news of a pregnancy YOU were very much a PART of making happen, you suddenly want to run away because all these grownup responsibilities are hitting you all at once? I guess your fiancee will have to be the adult for BOTH of you since she'll be raising this baby alone while you're hiding under your mother's skirt.
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post #6 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

dna test.
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post #7 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Why are you deciding you don't want to be married or have a relationship AFTER getting your fiancée pregnant. That decision should be made before.

What are your reasons for abandoning them?
Is she a liar? Is she unfaithful? Is she less attractive since you knocked her up?

Or is it just a "feeling".

My opinion: you've wasted ten years on her and now have a baby on the way. You could have left anytime in the last ten years.

Man up and take care of business and stop wimping out of your responsibility.
Stop thinking of excuses.

If you have logical reasons why you feel she's be a bad wife, let's hear them. " I have feelings"....
That's a load of poo.
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post #8 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Quick question... Are you interested in another woman?
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post #9 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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Originally Posted by Biz009 View Post
Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.

Hi @Biz009

Thanks for your message.

Ok, so lets just tackle this from a slightly different angle.

Firstly, you aren't the first, nor will you be the last person to have doubts as you get close to big day. It's perfectly normal to use this as a time to reflect on how much you love your partner and whether they are the right fit for you long term. As men, freedom is a big part of our lives. I don't mean freedom in the sense of going any 'hooking' up with other women, but simply the idea of a life long commitment to something does bring out fears in some men. Often that fear can take us away from truly appreciating the beauty of what we have right in front of us, right now.

Secondly, when it comes to your actual fiance, you mentioned that you don't have nearly the same strong feelings as you did earlier on. I'm curious - what is it that you think has led you to have these feelings diminish? One of the most common things that happen in a relationship is that, as time passes, the effort put into the relationship drops and then the relationship starts to die a slow death. Rather than making a conscious effort to grow it, it's easy to rest on your laurels and let things meander along. Hence sometimes these moments, like what you're going through, are a wonderful thing. To help you reassess and grow.

Now am I saying that you should be with her forever? Not at all. My best friend married 10 years ago and at the time, he was lonely and needed companionship. Sadly now, he has grown exponentially as a person but she hasn't. In this situation, I would definitely say that they need to separate but he has kids with her and it's messy...My point is that you can outgrow a relationship.

My recommendation would be that you you ask yourself the questions:

Is it really that I don't connect with her or love her? Or is it that the long term thought of being in a marriage forever scares me?

If you do truly love her, then there are strategies that you can use to reignite the fire in the relationship so you can create a passionate, loving relationship. I would hate to see you exit something that has the potential to give you long term happiness when it was a case of just asking the right questions and being truly honest with yourself. Not only this, but the child added into the equation is also a massive reason to ensure that you've given your all to the relationship.

If you feel that you don't love her anymore and you genuinely believe that she isn't the one, then it's important to be honest now about it. It's not fair on either of you to lets things drag on out of fear of hurting people. Either way, you all get hurt...

So anyway, I hope that helps. As I said, i'm not saying that you should stay or go. I'm just saying that, given the investment you've made so far in the relationship, it's only right that you ask the right questions before you decide on what action to take. Yes, you must always trust your gut but you must make sure you are in a centred emotional place before the gut can lead you in the right direction.

Good luck my friend and keep us posted on your progress.

Thanks
Sri

Last edited by shrah25; 03-29-2017 at 01:36 AM. Reason: Missed a comment
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post #10 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:07 PM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

If you truly feel like you shouldn't marry then please don't make her suffer. Guess what, you are stuck the rest of your life to her because she is having your baby.

Do one thing right, don't run out on being an awesome father. That is your task to complete in life.

But, make 100% sure you aren't running because you are scared. Marriage is and should always be a life commitment as is having children.


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post #11 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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Originally Posted by commonsenseisn't View Post
Quick question... Are you interested in another woman?
Yes obviously, That isn't the issue.
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post #12 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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Originally Posted by Tomara View Post
If you truly feel like you shouldn't marry then please don't make her suffer. Guess what, you are stuck the rest of your life to her because she is having your baby.

Do one thing right, don't run out on being an awesome father. That is your task to complete in life.

But, make 100% sure you aren't running because you are scared. Marriage is and should always be a life commitment as is having children.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Just worried I am making a mistake and honestly scared Probably shouldn't be as I have been with her for the better of 10 years and honestly not sure where these feelings and doubts are coming from. I want to be the best father I can possibly be to my child.
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post #13 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:11 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

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Yes obviously, That isn't the issue.
Actually - IT IS AN ISSUE. If you are romanticly interested in ANOTHER woman - now, of all times. It is an ISSUE! Have you already had sex with the other woman? Are you about to have sex with the other woman?

How long have you known this other woman vs. when feelings for your fiancee started to go soft?

Go to a marriage counselor now. Both you and your fiancee. Determine quickly if you are going to work things out or go away. It would have been best if there wasn't a child on the way. You've got 18 years of child support to plan for.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #14 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:15 AM
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Quote:
Originally Posted by Biz009 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by commonsenseisn't View Post
Quick question... Are you interested in another woman?

Yes obviously, That isn't the issue.
Why is it not an issue that you are interested in another woman?

When did you become interested in this other woman? What is your relationship with her?
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post #15 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

Omg I completely misread that question when I read it, I read it like are you interested in women. God no, there isn't another women. I love my fiancee and wouldn't ever cheat on her. Sorry really sorry for that misunderstanding. Sorry I can't really explain my feelings any better then fear in all honesty.
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