Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.
Thanks for your message.
Ok, so lets just tackle this from a slightly different angle.
Firstly, you aren't the first, nor will you be the last person to have doubts as you get close to big day. It's perfectly normal to use this as a time to reflect on how much you love your partner and whether they are the right fit for you long term. As men, freedom is a big part of our lives. I don't mean freedom in the sense of going any 'hooking' up with other women, but simply the idea of a life long commitment to something does bring out fears in some men. Often that fear can take us away from truly appreciating the beauty of what we have right in front of us, right now.
Secondly, when it comes to your actual fiance, you mentioned that you don't have nearly the same strong feelings as you did earlier on. I'm curious - what is it that you think has led you to have these feelings diminish? One of the most common things that happen in a relationship is that, as time passes, the effort put into the relationship drops and then the relationship starts to die a slow death. Rather than making a conscious effort to grow it, it's easy to rest on your laurels and let things meander along. Hence sometimes these moments, like what you're going through, are a wonderful thing. To help you reassess and grow.
Now am I saying that you should be with her forever? Not at all. My best friend married 10 years ago and at the time, he was lonely and needed companionship. Sadly now, he has grown exponentially as a person but she hasn't. In this situation, I would definitely say that they need to separate but he has kids with her and it's messy...My point is that you can outgrow a relationship.
My recommendation would be that you you ask yourself the questions:
Is it really that I don't connect with her or love her? Or is it that the long term thought of being in a marriage forever scares me?
If you do truly love her, then there are strategies that you can use to reignite the fire in the relationship so you can create a passionate, loving relationship. I would hate to see you exit something that has the potential to give you long term happiness when it was a case of just asking the right questions and being truly honest with yourself. Not only this, but the child added into the equation is also a massive reason to ensure that you've given your all to the relationship.
If you feel that you don't love her anymore and you genuinely believe that she isn't the one, then it's important to be honest now about it. It's not fair on either of you to lets things drag on out of fear of hurting people. Either way, you all get hurt...
So anyway, I hope that helps. As I said, i'm not saying that you should stay or go. I'm just saying that, given the investment you've made so far in the relationship, it's only right that you ask the right questions before you decide on what action to take. Yes, you must always trust your gut but you must make sure you are in a centred emotional place before the gut can lead you in the right direction.
Good luck my friend and keep us posted on your progress.