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Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee

6K views 80 replies 33 participants last post by  TheTruthHurts 
#1 ·
Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.
 
#3 ·
If you are having these doubts, it's better to not get married at this time. You can still be there for her and the baby. But don't get married just because it's already in motion.
 
#4 ·
Always honor whatever it is that your "gut instincts" are trying to tell you!

But now, you must do it within the bounds of being the father that you have so subjected yourself to be!
 
#5 ·
We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.
Could you BE any more cliche? Mere months before your wedding and hearing the news of a pregnancy YOU were very much a PART of making happen, you suddenly want to run away because all these grownup responsibilities are hitting you all at once? I guess your fiancee will have to be the adult for BOTH of you since she'll be raising this baby alone while you're hiding under your mother's skirt. :rolleyes:
 
#7 ·
Why are you deciding you don't want to be married or have a relationship AFTER getting your fiancée pregnant. That decision should be made before.

What are your reasons for abandoning them?
Is she a liar? Is she unfaithful? Is she less attractive since you knocked her up?

Or is it just a "feeling".

My opinion: you've wasted ten years on her and now have a baby on the way. You could have left anytime in the last ten years.

Man up and take care of business and stop wimping out of your responsibility.
Stop thinking of excuses.

If you have logical reasons why you feel she's be a bad wife, let's hear them. " I have feelings"....
That's a load of poo.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Hi @Biz009

Thanks for your message.

Ok, so lets just tackle this from a slightly different angle.

Firstly, you aren't the first, nor will you be the last person to have doubts as you get close to big day. It's perfectly normal to use this as a time to reflect on how much you love your partner and whether they are the right fit for you long term. As men, freedom is a big part of our lives. I don't mean freedom in the sense of going any 'hooking' up with other women, but simply the idea of a life long commitment to something does bring out fears in some men. Often that fear can take us away from truly appreciating the beauty of what we have right in front of us, right now.

Secondly, when it comes to your actual fiance, you mentioned that you don't have nearly the same strong feelings as you did earlier on. I'm curious - what is it that you think has led you to have these feelings diminish? One of the most common things that happen in a relationship is that, as time passes, the effort put into the relationship drops and then the relationship starts to die a slow death. Rather than making a conscious effort to grow it, it's easy to rest on your laurels and let things meander along. Hence sometimes these moments, like what you're going through, are a wonderful thing. To help you reassess and grow.

Now am I saying that you should be with her forever? Not at all. My best friend married 10 years ago and at the time, he was lonely and needed companionship. Sadly now, he has grown exponentially as a person but she hasn't. In this situation, I would definitely say that they need to separate but he has kids with her and it's messy...My point is that you can outgrow a relationship.

My recommendation would be that you you ask yourself the questions:

Is it really that I don't connect with her or love her? Or is it that the long term thought of being in a marriage forever scares me?

If you do truly love her, then there are strategies that you can use to reignite the fire in the relationship so you can create a passionate, loving relationship. I would hate to see you exit something that has the potential to give you long term happiness when it was a case of just asking the right questions and being truly honest with yourself. Not only this, but the child added into the equation is also a massive reason to ensure that you've given your all to the relationship.

If you feel that you don't love her anymore and you genuinely believe that she isn't the one, then it's important to be honest now about it. It's not fair on either of you to lets things drag on out of fear of hurting people. Either way, you all get hurt...

So anyway, I hope that helps. As I said, i'm not saying that you should stay or go. I'm just saying that, given the investment you've made so far in the relationship, it's only right that you ask the right questions before you decide on what action to take. Yes, you must always trust your gut but you must make sure you are in a centred emotional place before the gut can lead you in the right direction.

Good luck my friend and keep us posted on your progress.

Thanks
Sri
 
#10 ·
If you truly feel like you shouldn't marry then please don't make her suffer. Guess what, you are stuck the rest of your life to her because she is having your baby.

Do one thing right, don't run out on being an awesome father. That is your task to complete in life.

But, make 100% sure you aren't running because you are scared. Marriage is and should always be a life commitment as is having children.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#12 ·
Just worried I am making a mistake and honestly scared Probably shouldn't be as I have been with her for the better of 10 years and honestly not sure where these feelings and doubts are coming from. I want to be the best father I can possibly be to my child.
 
#16 ·
Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.
The above sounds like more than fear. It sounds like your relationship is not that good right now.

It’s not unusual for a relationship to go through a hard time during pregnancy. You are used it being just you and your gf. Now her attention is turned a lot towards that baby. It’s going to turn even more towards the baby after she/he is born.

One way to handle this is for you to turn your attention right now towards helping/supporting her in the pregnancy. Then after the baby is born she’s going to need a lot of help and your baby will need a lot of attention.

But, there is another issue, you have been together for 10 years. It’s very usual for a relationship to go through periods where you feel a lot of love/passion and then some where you don’t. The idea is that when you don’t quite feel it to turn your focus on looking at the relationship and changing what needs to be changed. Relationships need regular tune-ups just like your car does.

There are some books that I think would help you do this. They are for both of you to read and have work for both of you to do.

“Love Busters” & “His Needs, Her Needs” (see links in my signature block below.)

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
 
#21 ·
The relationship isn't terrible but it isn't the best it could possibly be either. We haven't fought as much as we have these past two weeks about the wedding her family and I mean we usually work as a team and don't let anything come in between us but it feels like she cares more about her family and this wedding then me at times.
 
#17 ·
I liken this post to hearing a beautiful love song.

A beautiful love song coming from your mouth and directed at a beautiful young women.

She becomes mesmerized by your tone and your emotions while crooning her.

Soon the crooning turns to spooning and you impregnate her.

She has such a contented and beautiful smile on her face...she is so happy.

You pick her up and carry her, not over the threshhold, no, you carry her over to the cliff. And now you are ready to drop her and your baby into the abyss.

Shame!
 
#18 ·
Follow your gut feeling. Don't marry. Be there for your child and be great co-parents. I wish I had listen to my gut feeling before I married the first time. But, because we were set in motion, I thought it was too late only to separate 3.5 years later and with one child. You will feel better after.
 
#19 ·
It is incredibly unfortunate that you have these feelings now that you've gotten her pregnant and are due to be married in less than four months, but there's nothing you can do about that.

To go ahead with the marriage would be a mistake unless you want it, and you obviously don't.

What you're going to have to do is follow your gut (as others have said), sit her down and discuss your feelings with her, and for goodness sake try to be sensitive about it. Chances are she's completely oblivious and is picturing the rest of her life with you and the baby, not anticipating any problems let alone you calling off the wedding, and entire relationship for that matter. This will probably break her heart, but the sooner you do it the better.
 
#22 ·
At the end of the day, it all comes down to one question - do you love her? If so, then you can get through pretty much anything with tenacity and perseverance. If not, or you feel that love has weakened recently, then you should not go through with the marriage even though it is the easy route.
 
#23 ·
OP,
Perhaps the fear of permanence is overwhelming you. In society we are constantly bombarded with the newest next best thing. After 10 years of perceived happiness now you feel blase towards the relationship. It is not surprising given our culture. Try looking at this not from the perspective of is this the best possible scenario for me but rather look at it as I will make this the best possible scenario for me.

Those that wait for life to deliver the perfect situation into their laps are quite often disappointed however, those that make the best of whatever scenario they find themselves in are much more likely to find real happiness. It is about contentment and satiety both with ones self and with ones situation. One can wait for a great marriage or one can make their marriage great.

After 10 years together I can only assume that there is genuine caring and devotion between you and if so, then a great marriage is yours for the making or the losing depending on your committment level. It is hard work. Good fortune to you and congratulations on your first child. Make it great.
 
#28 ·
I had a street bike. Loved riding. But they're called donorxycles for a reason by doctors.
When you hold that baby and get to be a dad, it's possible you may feel differently about the bikes.
Being a dad will change you a lot.

Do you love your gf?
Do you want to move on and not have her in your life?

It's really simple. Either you want to move on, or you don't.
If you don't, get married and make it a good marriage. Date her. Take her places. Love her. Satisfy her needs, and get satisfaction from doing that.

If that idea doesn't appeal to you, then call off the wedding and move on.
You can't have it both ways. Either break her heart now, or not after she's wasted her youth on a man that doesn't love her.

Stop making this complicated. You don't HAVE to marry her. It's your choIce.
 
#31 ·
No, My one bike is a Ducati 959 Panigale and my other bike is a Yamaha R6 Just rather hard to give up something in which you love as I do riding I don't even own a car lol, She owns our only four-wheel vehicle and its a new truck. I don't want to move on from my fiancee at all I love her a lot just I don't know I guess I am just being dumb/stubborn. I don't know what I will do riding is a passion and a lot of fun. Rather die doing something I enjoyed but I guess I can't think like that anymore.
 
#49 ·
I was on my bike at 4am on my way to work. It had stormed that night and the storm laid a tree across the road. I came over the rise in the road and there it was. I remember hitting the brakes and the first impact with the ground. Then waking up in the middle of the road. It was a wake up call for me, I loved my kids more. I was not going to take a chance of not being there for them again.
 
#35 ·
Biz,
If you love the woman, stop the cold feet BS and take care of business.
Does she ever lie to you?
Does she have weak character?
Does she look forward to seeing you every day?
I don't know about everyone, but I have three kids and sex was never a problem. Actually, her drive picked up in her mid thirties and she left me to go chase more ****s with more money. Told me so. Said if I made 150k or more a year, 99% of our problems would disapear.

Don't worry about the sex if it's good and regular now. Do t worry about anything but her character.
Yeah, she may turn out to be horrible. None of them come with an owner's manual or a written guarantee.

You don't have to quit riding. But you probably should. It's super dangerous. But if you live it that much...,.., She knows that about you already.
 
#41 ·
If she truly understood how much I truly loved it then she wouldn't try to be changing me I feel like. No she hasn't ever lied to me but she has kept things from me a few times to try and protect me. And no her character isn't weak and she used to look forward to seeing me but since the wedding has been getting closer and closer and the pregnancy it is like I am on the back burner.
 
#36 ·
No way you come off looking good if you abandon your pregnant fiancee. The divorce courts will eat you up and spit you out if you get married and then leave her. You still will get slammed for child support and the medical costs. Plus you will always feel guilty for doing so and have to confront your child some day because he mom has been telling him/her that you deserted her because she was pregnant with him/her. Then you next girlfriend will learn about it and have second thoughts about a man who leaves his pregnant girlfriend or wife, soon after the child is born. You are between a rock and a hard place but that is what happens when you do not use protection. Pregnancies, whether planned or unplanned, ruin lots of relationships and marriages. It takes two to make a baby and now you have the responsibility to take care of the child. If you marry you also have to support your new wife. If you do not love her, the logical thing to do is tell her you do not love her but you will be there to support the child and her. You will have child support payments for 18 years. If you divorce after you marry, you will have both child support and alimony. Plus you get to give your wife half of your property and money. All because someone took no protection against pregnancy or wanted a child before they married. You are screwed.
 
#45 ·
The relationship isn't as good as it could be.

Yet both of you thought this was a good time to get pregnant.

HUH????????

Planning a wedding is stressful. Pregnancy is stressful.

Please expand on WHY this was a "good" time to start a family. Seriously.

P.S. - How old are both of you?
 
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