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post #1 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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Wife's male coworker

So my wife has changed positions at her work where she has to partner up with others to work with clients. There is a particular man who she has befriended that worry me. My wife is not the flirty or cheating type, but she is beautiful. The first time I met this guy at a working social event, he told me my wife was so ****ing hot! Red flag to me. He is apparently a generous and helpful man to everyone, but has been throwing work to my wife to partner up on which is a good thing because she makes more money, but they spend more time together. They text a lot. I have told her that I don't trust him lieutenant and she says that he is just nice and I'm being stupid. I have read texts of his and to me seem very inappropriate for a work relationship, nothing sexual but inappropriate to for being normal. So I randomly go through her texts just to make sure of things and found she deleted all of his texts from the passed and started over. Instant red flag to me again. I'm now loosing sleep over this and not sure if I'm being paranoid. We have been having marital issues for a while now to top it off and I wouldn't be as worried if not for that. He is married with kids and is rich. Am I being paranoid or should I be worried. She is all about this new career.

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post #2 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

Been in your shoes and know how you feel. Regardless of how long you have been married or what your marital problems are, your wife erasing texts from this guy are more than enough to be worried. If nothing bad was in them she wouldn't have to erase them. You were already warned by this jerk what he thought of your wife so you can be sure there is nothing professional about his actions or intent. Your gut feelings are warning you and you know the complete situation better than anyone here so trust your gut.

Read as much as you can on here and apply what is pertinent to you. As hard as it may be, you have to go silent with her on this issue long enough to gather more info- if you remember nothing else remember that. Others will come along and tell you how to gather information.

I know it is a horrible feeling to be feeling what you are right now. It really would be best if you could talk to clergy or a counselor about your situation because you will have very difficult decisions to make in a very short time and from reading on here you will find out a bad decision based on emotion can make for a lifetime of unhappiness. Sorry you are here but you have taken the first step in helping yourself.
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post #3 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

It would be useful to know a bit more about you and your situation.

How old are you and your wife ? How long have you known each other and how long married ? Where did you meet ? Any kids and if so, how old ? Both of you work ? Who is the main breadwinner ? How long has she been in this job ? Do you know/have you met the OM ? What do they do for a living ? What part of the world are you in ? Any history of infidelity ? Any history of illnesses/problems ? When you say you have been having marital problems, can you elaborate more please ?

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post #4 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

OP,
I am amazed at the degradation of today's society. In times past it would be quite complimentary to tell another man that his wife was very beautiful as the husband would usually know how it was intended. Today however how does one take such a crass statement. How does one interpret "your wife is so F'ing hot". My first inclination would be, as yours seemed to be, to take the comment as coming from a man of questionable character and more akin to something one male would say to another in a bar referring to a random woman. His remark was highly disrespectful and, to me at least, cause for concern.

I am a believer in open communication and would therefore express to your wife your concerns and ask that, to help alleviate your angst, she open her devices to you and allow you to see their exchanges. That does not seem at all unreasonable unless there is more. If she hesitates then there is something she does not want you to see and I would find out what that is as quickly as possible. It could be nothing but his uncouth behavior would make me think otherwise. Caution is warranted in my opinion.
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post #5 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

I completely understand where you're coming from. I had found texts on my wife's phone that were more than inappropriate for anyone other then a husband to send. After looking through her phone, there were no other texts like those, some flirty but nothing I would really call inappropriate. My wife works in a male dominated industry so she needs to put up with a lot, let's face it, as men sometimes we make comments that are less than appropriate in front of women we know well and are comfortable around.

If she knows that you periodically look at her phone, she may be deleting the texts because she doesn't want you to get upset over something that means nothing and she has just come to accept as normal from this individual because that's his personality, it doesn't mean that she's cheating, thinking of cheating or even entertaining any of the texts. Needless to say you do have reason to be on guard, but I wouldn't make a big deal about this as it could just push your wife further away.

Keep in mind, men say things, sometimes stupid inappropriate things, but unless the red flags you're seeing are from your wife's side of things I wouldn't worry too much. I'm not saying to let your guard down or to stop checking her phone from time to time, but don't push the issue with her or confront her on anything unless there is a real red flag from her. If you constantly question her about this it will only push her away and make her withdraw.
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post #6 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Married 7 years together for 10 and met through a friend, 2 kids 4 and 5 years old, I'm 34 and she's 31, I have always been the bread winner but with her new position she will eventually be making much more than I.
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post #7 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

When you say the texts seem inappropriate that is vague, could you provide a couple of examples?

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post #8 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

Quote:
Originally Posted by Worriedindividual View Post
So my wife has changed positions at her work where she has to partner up with others to work with clients. There is a particular man who she has befriended that worry me. My wife is not the flirty or cheating type, but she is beautiful. The first time I met this guy at a working social event, he told me my wife was so ****ing hot! Red flag to me. He is apparently a generous and helpful man to everyone, but has been throwing work to my wife to partner up on which is a good thing because she makes more money, but they spend more time together. They text a lot. I have told her that I don't trust him lieutenant and she says that he is just nice and I'm being stupid. I have read texts of his and to me seem very inappropriate for a work relationship, nothing sexual but inappropriate to for being normal. So I randomly go through her texts just to make sure of things and found she deleted all of his texts from the passed and started over. Instant red flag to me again. I'm now loosing sleep over this and not sure if I'm being paranoid. We have been having marital issues for a while now to top it off and I wouldn't be as worried if not for that. He is married with kids and is rich. Am I being paranoid or should I be worried. She is all about this new career.
My ex used to text her boss a lot. Come to find out they were banging in the park lot at lunch and after work.

The deleting of texts is completely unacceptable and without trust you have no relationship. Don't live a lie man.

If she isn't going to be AS TRANSPARENT AS GLASS with you on this guy then you need to give her an ultimatum.

Either it's this "new career" or you. If she gives a crap about you, then the choice would be very easy for her.

Time to man up and do what must be done. Whether its the outcome you want or not. Don't compromise your dignity.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #9 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

It is a mixed blessing in today's working environment... we get both the talents and the temptations of all genders and unfortunately the weaknesses that temptations bring with it. It's not just the weaknesses of fidelity in committed relationships, but the weaknesses of jealousy and uncertainty when trust needs to be there and the fine line that comes at times between the two.

@NoChoice is right... your open communication right now is very important... it will allow you to place your boundaries in a very clear and acceptable foothold that is the foundation of trust. I am a true believer of "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing", but minimizing your comments instead or at least considering them may be her trying to deflect an argument with you more than her liking a light flirting with somebody because "the banter brings in the work", but it is her responsibility to openly engage your concerns that are present.

Be neither paranoid nor worried... be confident and clear.

And hold firm to your reasonable boundaries.

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Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 03-28-2017 at 09:58 AM. Reason: Mindful mention...
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post #10 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

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Originally Posted by Worriedindividual View Post
Married 7 years together for 10 and met through a friend, 2 kids 4 and 5 years old, I'm 34 and she's 31, I have always been the bread winner but with her new position she will eventually be making much more than I.
You are entering a stage where you will be spending more time apart than together... it's time to focus on quality and not quantity, remembering that if one wants to be trusted, one has to be honest.

I learned in the military that time apart and distance doesn't ruin relationships... doubts do.


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post #11 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

Deleted texts? Enough said.

Your wife is being groomed by a man who likely has history of this kind of activity.

You have to be totally decisive.
Do not confront until you are absolutely certain of your plans.
Do not threaten anything that you're unwilling to follow through on.
Do not lose your cool. No temper or cursing outbutsts.

This kind of thing demands cold calculation.

Find out more information, or whatever info you need to make a decision, then confront with consequences you can stick to.

If you are wishywashy and allow her to talk you out of things so that she stays in the presence of this predator, you're sunk.

Whatever you do, do NOT try to nice her back.

I would wait just a small while until I was satisfied there is a real problem. There are huge red flags everywhere. Deleted texts alone are in my opinion reason to tell her to move jobs. If she is unwilling, and she will be, you have to make dead sure you're willing to give consequences and stick to them. Time to ask yourself how strong you are, and be honest with yourself.
Sorry bro.
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post #12 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

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Deleted texts? Enough said.

Your wife is being groomed by a man who likely has history of this kind of activity.
You ignore your gut at your own peril.
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post #13 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

I'd keep my mouth shut and investigate more.

get an undelete message program pronto...Dr. Fone or similar. Does she have apps like snapchat, kik, or whatsapp installed? she what she's deleting. Maybe she's just deleting them because the guy is a creeper. But it's her response that is important.
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post #14 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

WI,

Save off all the evidence that you can, you will need it to expose this guy to personnel and his family and wife.

this "great guy" is most likely a smooth seducer and your family is in his cross hairs, he knows your wife has young children yet he is making advances that will destroy their lives and happiness.

The messages will gradually become even more inappropriate than they are now you need to install spy software. But you need enough evidence to get him fired or divorced.

Tamat
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post #15 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Wife's male coworker

There are plenty of Red flags here

Quote:
Originally Posted by Worriedindividual View Post
So my wife has changed positions at her work where she has to partner up with others to work with clients. There is a particular man who she has befriended that worry me. My wife is not the flirty or cheating type, but she is beautiful. The first time I met this guy at a working social event, he told me my wife was so ****ing hot! Red flag to me. He is apparently a generous and helpful man to everyone, but has been throwing work to my wife to partner up on which is a good thing because she makes more money, but they spend more time together. They text a lot. I have told her that I don't trust him lieutenant and she says that he is just nice and I'm being stupid. I have read texts of his and to me seem very inappropriate for a work relationship, nothing sexual but inappropriate to for being normal. So I randomly go through her texts just to make sure of things and found she deleted all of his texts from the passed and started over. Instant red flag to me again. I'm now loosing sleep over this and not sure if I'm being paranoid. We have been having marital issues for a while now to top it off and I wouldn't be as worried if not for that. He is married with kids and is rich. Am I being paranoid or should I be worried. She is all about this new career.
All these Red flags coupled with the fact that you say your wife is beautiful is a cause for much concern. Some pigs can't control themselves around beautiful women. If he is that rich, it could mean he has a sense of entitlement to poach whatever or whoever he wants. The fact that he is married and has kids should give you no comfort. Your gut is telling you something is wrong...believe it. You have expressed your concern to her and she defended him, not you. That speaks volumes. You need to dig deeper but since they work together, it may be more difficult to find proof.

You should try focusing on your marriage first but if you discover more...all bets are off.
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