Save your marriage - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 144Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,450
Re: Save your marriage

@MEM2020 what people get offended by tells us a lot about who they are.

katiecrna is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:46 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 688
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
@MEM2020 what people get offended by tells us a lot about who they are.
You seem to be offended by people who don't stick with their first marriage, no matter what. Perhaps you are trying to justify to yourself sticking with the marriage you have, even though there are some very frustrating problems.
Livvie is offline  
post #18 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,450
Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
You seem to be offended by people who don't stick with their first marriage, no matter what. Perhaps you are trying to justify to yourself sticking with the marriage you have, even though there are some very frustrating problems.


For sure. 100%. It bothers me that TAM quickly pulls the D card and passes that over for advice. People here only really know a sliver of the real relationship. And it's biased on that. Most people don't post about the good things in their marriage only the bad negative ones that they come on here for advice or support for.

Oops... I don't think people should stick to their marriage no matter what at all. But t drives me crazy how quickly people recommend divorce. And It offends me when people give me this advice.
katiecrna is offline  
 
post #19 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:54 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 688
I think usually, though, the problems people are posting about are often truly divorce worthy.
Livvie is offline  
post #20 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:05 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,465
Re: Save your marriage

Sometimes, there's not enough there - or left - to be worth saving.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is offline  
post #21 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,502
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I have a very negative opinion on divorce. Of course there are times when divorce is a must: times of abuse, cheating, addiction etc. but I'm NOT speaking to these times.

Most people who get divorce, years later wish they had tried harder in their first marriage. The Second and third marriage divorce rate is a lot higher. The proof is in the pudding. We hear stories on here a lot about how happy they are being divorced. But I don't think that is accurate to all divorces (obviously it's not because divorce rates goes up with more marriages).
When you get divorced, it's like starting a new relationship. Everything is fresh and new and good. People will have a positive opinion the first few years post divorce. Then when they get into serious long term relationships, and marriages things change. You find the same issues in your current marriage as you had in your first marriage. Plus more issues including complications and baggage from the first marriage (kids, alimony, in laws, family etc). So when you catch a person that is re married and it's been a while, these people mostly report wishing they had worked things out on their first marriage. But hind-sight is 20-20 and I think we can all learn from this and the statistics.
A lot of people who are re married are determined to make it work and try harder because the last thing they want is 3 marriages, it's embarrassing, maybe there are more kids involved and things get more complicated so people who are re married really try harder to make it work. And even with that... the divorce rate is way higher. My point is, we should all be determined to make our first marriage work. Because when we see issues right away people are like oh wow divorce! But the reality is, there are going to be issues, and the grass is not greener on the other side, it truly is where you water it.
I also hate divorce, but what I hate more is cheating, betrayal, abuse of the spouse or children, lying, deception etc.
I agree that many will end a marriage far far too easily, for very selfish reasons, but most of the people I know who divorced did so for very serious reasons. Some have no choice, my husbands wife divorced him against his will after meeting another man. He believes that you keep the promises you have made, as I do, but it takes two. If one wants out then you can stop them.

I don't agree that most in second marriages wish they were still in their first. We certainly dont.

Last edited by Diana7; 03-28-2017 at 05:32 PM.
Diana7 is online now  
post #22 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,450
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post



I don't agree that most in second marriages wish they were still in their first. We certainly dont.


I'm sure it depends on the circumstances of the divorce.
katiecrna is offline  
post #23 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:30 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,450
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Sometimes, there's not enough there - or left - to be worth saving.


I agree. I think people wait to long to seek help.
katiecrna is offline  
post #24 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:41 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,295
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I agree. I think people wait to long to seek help.


Getting help doesn't always lead to change.

As the others have said, it takes two to make the marriage work. You can self realize and IC all you want and still not be compatible with your spouse.
blueinbr is offline  
post #25 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,502
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I'm sure it depends on the circumstances of the divorce.
Yes of course, and also for us we are both far happier in this marriage even though we didn't cause or want the first marriages to end.
The thing is that nearly all the divorces that I know of were caused by cheating, and so the one who divorced wasn't the one at fault. The other one had already destroyed the marriage and the trust.

Diana7 is online now  
post #26 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:47 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,502
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Getting help doesn't always lead to change.

As the others have said, it takes two to make the marriage work. You can self realize and IC all you want and still not be compatible with your spouse.
Not sure I agree about people not being compatible. They were in love once presumably and saw in each other what they wanted in a spouse. In some marriages the people are so different from each other but it works with time and effort.
Diana7 is online now  
post #27 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 06:13 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: ohio
Posts: 285
Re: Save your marriage

I agree that divorce becomes an option way too quickly. I also think you provided links to some very compelling statistics- can anyone provide links to opposing yet also compelling information?

If we agree divorce shouldn't be the first choice and people shouldn't stay in a bad marriage that is physically or emotionally harmful where and when do we decide to draw that line? Going to assume the majority would agree any physical harm is grounds for immediate divorce so what constitutes grounds for a divorce based on emotional harm? How do we come up with a standard check list of acceptable reasons to divorce? Can separation be better utilized to make both partners come to there senses?
bremik is online now  
post #28 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 06:17 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Most people who get divorce, years later wish they had tried harder in their first marriage.
@katiecrna

Where do you get your (questionable) information from?

As a divorced guy who is happily involved in a long term domestic partnership (with a woman), I have no regrets and I don't recall reading too many stories about people who did regret ending their first marriage.

Now don't go quoting the high failure rate of subsequent marriages as a reason for that first marriage regret, the two things are not at all related.
stixx is offline  
post #29 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 06:19 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,347
Re: Save your marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I agree that I may come off judgmental. I don't think some judgement is wrong. I actually think we are too tolerant and sensitive to some things.
I am often black and white with my views. However, I am a very emphatic person. When my friends come to me and confess something that they know I disagree with, I'm not an idiot. I know when people come to me for comfort, and for support. I would never lecture or speak disapprovingly to something that has already happened. I am extremely self aware.
I would like to follow up with @MEM2020's thought on self-awareness...

I know it's my responsibility to change my reactions and behaviors, that no one controls this but me.

So many things led to confusion between:

•self-victimization (why we are not willing to accept the things we are wrong in and thinking things would be better if other things or people changed)
•self-awareness (understanding our feelings and what triggered them)
•self-empowerment (nobody fills that void of emotional need other than ourselves)

I do not believe one can have the opportunity for self-awareness without the other two... we have to understand that relationships balance on these and what goes into understanding when we challenge ourselves in our awareness is trusting ourselves to see our way through them without fear of possibly not liking what we find.

Not liking ourselves is going to happen from time to time and chances are pretty good we may not like what we find in ourselves when self-challenged, but we never grow if everything we find is liked...

The important thing is we love ourselves enough to believe we are capable to move through the moments when we do not like the actions we have and can change the patterns and understand why they influenced us poorly.

As we address ourselves and our communication within, too often our problem is we do not listen to understand and all we want to do is reply when our heart tells us to do the opposite... simply, listen.

It is a lot of work... but worth every ounce of effort.

नमस्ते 🙏
Emerging Buddhist is offline  
post #30 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 06:34 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 522
Unfortunately, some spouses will take advantage of a partner with an unconditional approach to marriage. I'm not one of them- I think it's one of the most generous gifts you can give another person, and after having children, I see how unconditional love is necessary to truly, deeply trust another human and feel as safe as possible.

But people do take advantage of that.
Jessica38 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Tips for Keeping the Passion Alive in Your Marriage VS Glen Home Page Feature News 1 04-17-2016 04:28 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome