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post #16 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes. I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be or if there are real red flags here.
During the two years I have learned she is very co dependent on her ex husband. Christmas 2015 she asked me about him staying the night so he would be there Christmas morning...of course on the couch. I said no I'm not okay with that. About 8 months into the relationship her ex broke down and told her that if she would dump me he would break up with his current gf and they could try again. She said no and told me about this. I've always had a hunch about him not being over her but she always claims he doesn't want me back or only does when he's lonely etc. Sure enough I was correct. She swears she is over him and isn't attracted to him. I believe her. She just has this thing where she won't cut him off to where it's just about kids.

They joke via text and some are about his sex life. She asks him for favors around the house that she could ask me to do but doesn't. He has parked his car in her garage and hung out over there to hide from his wife when they were having issues. They carpooled to an event about their kids (not with)when I feel like they could have easily drove separate.

I have made it known many times that she needs boundaries with him even though I trust her. She got better and their contact lessened but still pops up every month or 2. She makes me feel like I'm a jealousy insecure pos when I get upset about it. Her take is if I trust her then I should get over it.
I ultimately said cut the extracurricular bs with him or I'm done. Don't get me wrong. I want them to be good co parents for their kids and communicating about them. But all the chummy stuff when he still wants her back is annoying af. I feel like you have to have boundaries with an ex...especially one that wants you back. So let me know. Am I wrong or do I have a point?
No matter how long ago this happened, I would tell his girlfriend. why let her waste her time?

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post #17 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

You did exactly the right thing.

Seriously, all I had to read was "girlfriend" and "lack of boundaries" in the thread title, and I was already thinking, "Dump her."

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #18 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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She's right. She can do whatever she wants. You just don't have to put up with it.

The right approach, IMO, is to tell her that you don't think this relationship is going to move on and then go find a new GF.

You could try to get her to stop. But she'll just resent you for it, and it will cause issues later. More likely that she'll temporarily obey, and as the resentment builds, look for ways to get away with it later.

That's just my 2 cents though.
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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
You're welcome!

FWIW my hb had terrible boundaries with his ex wife and I put up with it for much longer then I should have.

I got the same thing.....that he didn't want her back, and I believe him. I don't think she wanted him back either, but I did think she got off on the ego boost of poor boundaries. She would frequently make comments aimed at letting me know she had already been there and was more important.

My hb would give me crap about how he was just a nice guy and didn't want to argue.

Eventually a blew a gasket and it pretty much stopped.....and I think he'd already lost relationships over his crappy boundaries.

If I had it to do over again I never would have put up with it. You saved yourself a lot of headache...she isn't ready to fully seperate herself from him.
I agree with both of the above posts. Your GF likes the attention, hence the poor boundaries. This is also why she tells you when men hit on her--and she is likely encouraging them.

Your reasons for wanting stronger boundaries are perfectly reasonable, and if she wants to have a relationship with you that is healthy, she needs to respect your needs, and one of the things you needs is for her to have stronger boundaries with her XH, so you can feel secure in the relationship. They have a history that you and she don't share, and so their continued closeness is a) inappropriate, and b) a threat to YOUR relationship... they haven't completely detached from one another. But she is refusing to see this from your POV or consider how you feel, and that's a big problem. In fact, I think that's a BIGGER problem than her lack of boundaries.

Now, as Kivlor says, she has the freedom to live her life any way that she chooses... and she can do so without you, because you don't have to put up with it and were right to walk away. If she wants a life with YOU, she needs to think about you and what you need, too. And I don't see that happening. And she has to do it of her own choice. You can't make her do anything. And if she's not willing to listen to your POV on this, she's not ready to establish boundaries of her own volition, either.

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post #19 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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OP, how old are you, and what are you looking for in a relationship?
I'm 35. Well after being cheated on 3 years ago by the first wife I'm much smarter now. I'm also of the mind set that I'm not taking any crap or rug sweeping issues that crop up. I'm speaking my mind if something bothers me. Ultimately I want to re-marry one day but absolutely will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Sucks putting in 2 years with this girl and having to cut ties because of her ex but I can't handle it anymore. She is a great person and has a lot of qualities I look for in a future wife but poor boundaries with an ex is a deal breaker for me.
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post #20 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I agree with both of the above posts. Your GF likes the attention, hence the poor boundaries. This is also why she tells you when men hit on her--and she is likely encouraging them.

Your reasons for wanting stronger boundaries are perfectly reasonable, and if she wants to have a relationship with you that is healthy, she needs to respect your needs, and one of the things you needs is for her to have stronger boundaries with her XH, so you can feel secure in the relationship. They have a history that you and she don't share, and so their continued closeness is a) inappropriate, and b) a threat to YOUR relationship... they haven't completely detached from one another. But she is refusing to see this from your POV or consider how you feel, and that's a big problem. In fact, I think that's a BIGGER problem than her lack of boundaries.

Now, as Kivlor says, she has the freedom to live her life any way that she chooses... and she can do so without you, because you don't have to put up with it and were right to walk away. If she wants a life with YOU, she needs to think about you and what you need, too. And I don't see that happening. And she has to do it of her own choice. You can't make her do anything. And if she's not willing to listen to your POV on this, she's not ready to establish boundaries of her own volition, either.
You know what...I've never really even thought about it that way. I've always just taken her words at face value that she's just the type of person who can't be mean/strict with people. She probably does like the attention smh. I agree, she doesn't take my NEEDS into account. She claims she tries to see it from my pov but not much progress has been made in these 2 years. It was really bad that first year and after much complaining she finally limited it. The fact that it rears it's ugly head every month or so has been too much as of late.
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post #21 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can. .
That is my Oldest Daughter. It was quite the triumph when she finally dumped the bulk of her high school friends. The sad thing is that she has adopted a new group of dysfunctional friends to care for.

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I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be
Well you are an ex so by definition . . . .
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post #22 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I'm 35. Well after being cheated on 3 years ago by the first wife I'm much smarter now. I'm also of the mind set that I'm not taking any crap or rug sweeping issues that crop up. I'm speaking my mind if something bothers me. Ultimately I want to re-marry one day but absolutely will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Sucks putting in 2 years with this girl and having to cut ties because of her ex but I can't handle it anymore. She is a great person and has a lot of qualities I look for in a future wife but poor boundaries with an ex is a deal breaker for me.
So, are you looking to have kids or not? If so, you need to re-prioritize your life at 35.
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post #23 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

You already broke up with her. It's obvious from your post that you believe her to have no boundaries and that the relationship with the ex is troubling.

Why does it matter if a bunch of internet strangers agree with you based on the handful of paragraphs you posted abouther?

It's over, right?

For what it's worth I would have kicked her to the curb the first time something like her exhusband staying over came up.
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post #24 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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So, are you looking to have kids or not? If so, you need to re-prioritize your life at 35.
I have a 6 year old with first wife. Not sure about having anymore. Just got a big promotion at work so now I just need to find that person to share my life with. I know at this age there will be baggage and most likely kids on both sides so a blended family is to be expected. I just want someone who is willing to put in the work and make sacrifices for one another. Too many people in this day and age are 'shoe shopping' always trying to upgrade partners. Yes I know I have my baggage and issues just like anyone else. One of the reasons I posted was to find out if she was right and all this boundary stuff was just in my head. If I got a majority of people siding with her I would take a deep look at myself and try to fix it or speak to a counselor.
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post #25 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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You already broke up with her. It's obvious from your post that you believe her to have no boundaries and that the relationship with the ex is troubling.

Why does it matter if a bunch of internet strangers agree with you based on the handful of paragraphs you posted abouther?

It's over, right?

For what it's worth I would have kicked her to the curb the first time something like her exhusband staying over came up.
Because I wanted to see if it's me like she claims. They say it's the people who don't think they're crazy are the ones you have to watch out for. I was wondering if I was one of those people lol. As I stated above...if majority didn't agree with my boundaries I would take a long hard look at myself and most likely speak to a therapist to sort it out.

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post #26 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

Dude she let her EX HUSBAND who she knows STILL HAS FEELINGS for her to SLEEP OVER her house.

You don't need internet strangers like me to tell you that you're not crazy for having a big issue with this.
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post #27 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Dude she let her EX HUSBAND who she knows STILL HAS FEELINGS for her to SLEEP OVER her house.

You don't need internet strangers like me to tell you that you're not crazy for having a big issue with this.
No, it didn't happen. She asked my opinion before telling him "no" to just come in the morning. It just caught me off guard that she even considered it.
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post #28 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Because I wanted to see if it's me like she claims. They say it's the people who don't think they're crazy are the ones you have to watch out for. I was wondering if I was one of those people lol. As I stated above...if majority didn't agree with my boundaries I would take a long hard look at myself and most likely speak to a therapist to sort it out.
Questioning one's sanity occasionally is actually a sign of sanity. If you NEVER question your sanity, then you might be in trouble. So if you're wondering if you are one of those people... it is safe to say that you are NOT.

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post #29 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

X wife's and husbands should only be consulted on kid matters. Talking about personal stuff and sex stuff or staying on the couch is huge boundrys issues. She is gaslighting you telling you that you're the problem with this. Most sane adults would have a huge problem with this
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post #30 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

You did the right thing by dumping her, she did not respect you at all.



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