She's right. She can do whatever she wants. You just don't have to put up with it.
The right approach, IMO, is to tell her that you don't think this relationship is going to move on and then go find a new GF.
You could try to get her to stop. But she'll just resent you for it, and it will cause issues later. More likely that she'll temporarily obey, and as the resentment builds, look for ways to get away with it later.
That's just my 2 cents though.
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
FWIW my hb had terrible boundaries with his ex wife and I put up with it for much longer then I should have.
I got the same thing.....that he didn't want her back, and I believe him. I don't think she wanted him back either, but I did think she got off on the ego boost of poor boundaries. She would frequently make comments aimed at letting me know she had already been there and was more important.
My hb would give me crap about how he was just a nice guy and didn't want to argue.
Eventually a blew a gasket and it pretty much stopped.....and I think he'd already lost relationships over his crappy boundaries.
If I had it to do over again I never would have put up with it. You saved yourself a lot of headache...she isn't ready to fully seperate herself from him.
I agree with both of the above posts. Your GF likes the attention, hence the poor boundaries. This is also why she tells you when men hit on her--and she is likely encouraging them.
Your reasons for wanting stronger boundaries are perfectly reasonable, and if she wants to have a relationship with you that is healthy, she needs to respect your needs, and one of the things you needs is for her to have stronger boundaries with her XH, so you can feel secure in the relationship. They have a history that you and she don't share, and so their continued closeness is a) inappropriate, and b) a threat to YOUR relationship... they haven't completely detached from one another. But she is refusing to see this from your POV or consider how you feel, and that's a big problem. In fact, I think that's a BIGGER problem than her lack of boundaries.
Now, as Kivlor says, she has the freedom to live her life any way that she chooses... and she can do so without you, because you don't have to put up with it and were right to walk away. If she wants a life with YOU, she needs to think about you and what you need, too. And I don't see that happening. And she has to do it of her own choice. You can't make her do anything. And if she's not willing to listen to your POV on this, she's not ready to establish boundaries of her own volition, either.