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post #31 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes. I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be or if there are real red flags here.
During the two years I have learned she is very co dependent on her ex husband. Christmas 2015 she asked me about him staying the night so he would be there Christmas morning...of course on the couch. I said no I'm not okay with that. About 8 months into the relationship her ex broke down and told her that if she would dump me he would break up with his current gf and they could try again. She said no and told me about this. I've always had a hunch about him not being over her but she always claims he doesn't want me back or only does when he's lonely etc. Sure enough I was correct. She swears she is over him and isn't attracted to him. I believe her. She just has this thing where she won't cut him off to where it's just about kids.

They joke via text and some are about his sex life. She asks him for favors around the house that she could ask me to do but doesn't. He has parked his car in her garage and hung out over there to hide from his wife when they were having issues. They carpooled to an event about their kids (not with)when I feel like they could have easily drove separate.

I have made it known many times that she needs boundaries with him even though I trust her. She got better and their contact lessened but still pops up every month or 2. She makes me feel like I'm a jealousy insecure pos when I get upset about it. Her take is if I trust her then I should get over it.
I ultimately said cut the extracurricular bs with him or I'm done. Don't get me wrong. I want them to be good co parents for their kids and communicating about them. But all the chummy stuff when he still wants her back is annoying af. I feel like you have to have boundaries with an ex...especially one that wants you back. So let me know. Am I wrong or do I have a point?
So he is married and still doing this with your ex? Yeah that would be too much for me. She is a girlfriend so you were evaluating after evaluation you decided she wasn't the one. You are allowed to have that feeling for whatever reason it is. She could have had it too if she felt that way. That is what dating is for. You are not jealous or insecure, you have boundaries with it comes to ex's obviously you guys didn't feel the same about that. That is all.

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post #32 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Questioning one's sanity occasionally is actually a sign of sanity. If you NEVER question your sanity, then you might be in trouble. So if you're wondering if you are one of those people... it is safe to say that you are NOT.
Very true. This is just the first time in my 35 years I have seriously questioned it. It was a bit scary thinking I was one of 'those' people ha.
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post #33 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

Get this...she just text me apologizing saying she knows she's fvcked up and she's sorry. She realizes her ex is cancer and she put me through a lot...that I deserved better. She said she didn't see it as so bad or just excused it. So I don't even really know how to respond to this text ugh. Anyways, thank you everyone for your input. It's greatly appreciated you take time out of your day to help folks like me with a reality check.
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post #34 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I fully trust her because she has been open and honest about everything with me when she didn't have to. For instance, she tells me if guys hit on her. Always tells me if her ex shows up unannounced etc. She has given me no reason not to trust. Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can. I told her I'm not asking you to cut him off just the unnecessary non kid things. She takes that as me trying to tell her how to live her life.
So it's not about trust it's about what is appropriate. Doesn't seem very appropriate even if you are sure she would never cheat you are allowed to think that. I think many people would.
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post #35 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I'm 35. Well after being cheated on 3 years ago by the first wife I'm much smarter now. I'm also of the mind set that I'm not taking any crap or rug sweeping issues that crop up. I'm speaking my mind if something bothers me. Ultimately I want to re-marry one day but absolutely will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Sucks putting in 2 years with this girl and having to cut ties because of her ex but I can't handle it anymore. She is a great person and has a lot of qualities I look for in a future wife but poor boundaries with an ex is a deal breaker for me.
How refreshing this is. Good for you.
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post #36 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:33 PM
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You are 100% right. The divorce rate is higher in second marriages for this reason- the added stress of blended families is extremely difficult for the most solid of relationships to overcome.

To continue in a committed relationship w you, she'd have to be willing to put you first and stop engaging in any behavior w her ex that makes you uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. Communication with the X should be limited to logistics for the shared children only. Anything more than that is continuing a relationship with an ex lover. How would she feel if you were engaging in jokey texts and chatting up your ex lovers?
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post #37 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Get this...she just text me apologizing saying she knows she's fvcked up and she's sorry. She realizes her ex is cancer and she put me through a lot...that I deserved better. She said she didn't see it as so bad or just excused it. So I don't even really know how to respond to this text ugh. Anyways, thank you everyone for your input. It's greatly appreciated you take time out of your day to help folks like me with a reality check.
How long have you been broken up? Is this a recurring pastern (she is sorry, changes for a little and then back to square one?) Maybe she sees the light. I agree with @FeministInPink though, her dismissal of you and putting you down to control the situation is just as big if not a bigger problem.

Ex-lover thing above is spot on too.
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post #38 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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You are 100% right. The divorce rate is higher in second marriages for this reason- the added stress of blended families is extremely difficult for the most solid of relationships to overcome.

To continue in a committed relationship w you, she'd have to be willing to put you first and stop engaging in any behavior w her ex that makes you uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. Communication with the X should be limited to logistics for the shared children only. Anything more than that is continuing a relationship with an ex lover. How would she feel if you were engaging in jokey texts and chatting up your ex lovers?
Spot on. I had no clue how difficult it would be trying to date with kids and exes all in the mix. It's a freaking cluster unless your one of the lucky few who finds a diamond in the rough. Exactly how I see it with communication. She however, feels like it's better for the kids if they are bff's as they are smh. I told her good luck finding a good guy that will put up with that crap along with her other issues.
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post #39 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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No, it didn't happen. She asked my opinion before telling him "no" to just come in the morning. It just caught me off guard that she even considered it.
Well she may have serious boundary issues with her ex but she was willing to cooperate with you and not cross those lines based on it not being acceptable to you.

That makes a big difference.
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post #40 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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How long have you been broken up? Is this a recurring pastern (she is sorry, changes for a little and then back to square one?) Maybe she sees the light. I agree with @FeministInPink though, her dismissal of you and putting you down to control the situation is just as big if not a bigger problem.

Ex-lover thing above is spot on too.
Broken up for 3 days now. I can't remember if she's ever even apologized in the past when I have raised concern over their relationship. She usually blows it off and acts like I'm overreacting. So I've been no contact the past 3 days and just now is the first time she has reached out.

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post #41 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Broken up for 3 days now. I can't remember if she's ever even apologized in the past when I have raised concern over their relationship. She usually blows it off and acts like I'm overreacting. So I've been no contact the past 3 days and just now is the first time she has reached out.
Seems worth talking about. If it good besides this but dismissal would be one of the things I would talk about.
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post #42 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by theexpendable View Post
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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
You are 100% right. The divorce rate is higher in second marriages for this reason- the added stress of blended families is extremely difficult for the most solid of relationships to overcome.

To continue in a committed relationship w you, she'd have to be willing to put you first and stop engaging in any behavior w her ex that makes you uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. Communication with the X should be limited to logistics for the shared children only. Anything more than that is continuing a relationship with an ex lover. How would she feel if you were engaging in jokey texts and chatting up your ex lovers?
Spot on. I had no clue how difficult it would be trying to date with kids and exes all in the mix. It's a freaking cluster unless your one of the lucky few who finds a diamond in the rough. Exactly how I see it with communication. She however, feels like it's better for the kids if they are bff's as they are smh. I told her good luck finding a good guy that will put up with that crap along with her other issues.
She might quickly realize this. I think a lot of people don't understand boundaries period. It's not about trying to control others- it's about being honest about what you're willing to live with, and since a marriage is always evolving, new issues come up and new boundaries may need to be set. It's important to be with someone who understands that and doesn't pull the "controlling" card. It's very controlling to force your partner to put up with something that deeply upsets them.

You sound like you're in the right place for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. I have no doubt you'll find one.
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post #43 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Broken up for 3 days now. I can't remember if she's ever even apologized in the past when I have raised concern over their relationship. She usually blows it off and acts like I'm overreacting. So I've been no contact the past 3 days and just now is the first time she has reached out.
So you're not really looking to break up with her. You're doing the passive aggressive "I will ignore you until you straighten up" thing, rather than dealing with the issues head on, is that about right?

Because if so there's better ways of handling this. Such as telling her straight away what your dealbreakers are and sticking to your guns going forward rather than sulking when she doesn't do things the way you want her to. Even though apparently she does do things your way.
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post #44 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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She might quickly realize this. I think a lot of people don't understand boundaries period. It's not about trying to control others- it's about being honest about what you're willing to live with, and since a marriage is always evolving, new issues come up and new boundaries may need to be set. It's important to be with someone who understands that and doesn't pull the "controlling" card. It's very controlling to force your partner to put up with something that deeply upsets them.

You sound like you're in the right place for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. I have no doubt you'll find one.
You hit the nail on the head about 'controlling'...her favorite card
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post #45 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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So you're not really looking to break up with her. You're doing the passive aggressive "I will ignore you until you straighten up" thing, rather than dealing with the issues head on, is that about right?

Because if so there's better ways of handling this. Such as telling her straight away what your dealbreakers are and sticking to your guns going forward rather than sulking when she doesn't do things the way you want her to. Even though apparently she does do things your way.
No, it was a full fledged breakup. I basically asked her to stop and she said no. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me and she chose to be chummy with her ex. I'm fully prepared to move on. If she wants to have a sit down and talk then yes I will probably do that to hear what she has to say. Whether she gets another chance would probably be dependent on counseling and a vow to cut the crap with him.
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